If you’re like me, you get awfully confused when you try to understand who’s responsible

for terrorist attacks.

After every terrorist attack, we hear contradictory rules about who bears the guilt for the bloodshed.

Fortunately for us, we have here today the world’s greatest authority on terrorism.

Prophet Muhammad, thank you for being here.

I’m glad to be here, David.

And I just want to thank you for telling people the truth about jihad all these years.

Peace be upon me.

I’m hoping you can clear up some confusion for us.

I’d like to give you a few scenarios, and you can tell me who’s responsible for the

violence in each of the scenarios.

Happy to help.

Peace be upon me.

Picture this.

Pictures are forbidden!

Okay, imagine this.

One of your devout followers reads your clear commands to fight those who do not believe

in Allah, and to fight people until they say that there is no god but Allah, and to terrorize

the enemies of Allah.

Suppose he goes out and does exactly what you command him to do.

He fights those who do not believe in Allah, because you commanded it.

He fights people until they say there is no god but Allah, because you commanded it.

He terrorizes the enemies of Allah, because you commanded it.

Are you in any way responsible for what this man does?

With Allah as my witness, David, I am not responsible in any way.

This attack has absolutely nothing to do with my clear commands to carry out such attacks.

Anyone who tries to connect this violence with my clear commands to commit violence

must be a racist and should be silenced by any means necessary.

Peace be upon me.

Okay.

So when one of your devout followers slaughters unbelievers in the name of Allah because you

ordered him to do it, this has nothing to do with you.

You’re sure about this?

Peace be upon me.

Different scenario.

Suppose a mentally ill Norwegian neo-Nazi Odinist opens fire on a bunch of teenagers

on a camping trip.

Are peaceful critics of jihad terror, who despise violence and racism and aren’t neo-Nazis

or Odinists—are they responsible for this attack?

How is this even a question?

Of course they are!

These peaceful critics of jihad terror basically forced that mentally ill Norwegian neo-Nazi

Odinist to open fire on those teenagers who were camping.

Politicians, journalists, educators must therefore unite in condemning peaceful critics of jihad

terror for convincing mentally ill neo-Nazi Norwegian Odinists to kill so many people.

These peaceful critics of jihad, they must be deplatformed, harassed, crushed, executed.

Peace be upon me.

Got it.

Thanks.

Now imagine a devout Muslim, who reads Surah 5, verse 33 of the Quran, which orders Muslims

to kill, crucify, and dismember people who commit the vague crime of “making mischief”

in a Muslim land.

Now, Western nations, according to Islam, are making mischief in Muslim lands.

So, if this devout Muslim decides to kill, crucify, and dismember people from Western

nations, as he is commanded to do in the Quran, are you in any way responsible for the attack?

I swear by Allah, no.

A Muslim who kills, crucifies, and dismembers the infidels, as I have commanded, has nothing

to do with my clear commands to kill, crucify, and dismember the infidels who make mischief

in our lands.

Anyone who tries to blame me for what my devoted followers do when they obey me must be a racist,

a bigot, an Islamophobe.

All the evil people who try to associate my words with the actions of people who obey

my words should be killed, crucified, and dismembered.

Peace be upon me.

This is very helpful.

Final scenario.

If the daughter of an ex-president criticizes a Muslim congresswoman for anti-Semitic remarks,

and sometime later a self-proclaimed eco-fascist and white nationalist somewhere on the opposite

side of the planet opens fire in a mosque because he wants to start a race war,

should the daughter of the ex-president be blamed for the terrorist attack of the white nationalist

because she condemned anti-Semitism.

Alhamdulillah! Alhamdulillah! Yes!

If this woman condemns Islamic anti-Semitism, she’s basically forcing eco-fascist white

nationalists to slaughter Muslims in order to start their race wars.

This woman must be exposed for her wickedness and racism.

She must be endlessly harassed.

She must be deplatformed from social media.

And even the parents who raised her should be forever silenced for raising such an evil

infidel daughter who condemns Islamic anti-Semitism and starts race wars.

Peace be upon me.

Well, I think I’ve got all the answers I need.

When a jihadi slaughters unbelievers in the name of Allah, because he’s been commanded,

by his prophet, to slaughter unbelievers in the name of Allah, anyone who points a finger

at said prophet is a racist who must be deplatformed.

But when a racist nutjob slaughters people to set off a race war, peaceful critics of

jihad or anti-Semitism, who despise violence and have absolutely nothing to do with any

terrorist attacks must be blamed, deplatformed, and harassed.

Peace be upon me, you understand Islam perfectly!

Are you sure you’re not a sheikh?

I certainly hope not.

One final question: Is consistency important in Islam?

Peace be upon me, what is kempsispencies?

Consistency.

Peace be upon me, counter-insurgency?

No, no.

Consistency.

Peace be upon me, constant sissy?

We do not understand this word in Islam.

Of course you don’t.

We already knew that.

But this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t try to help you learn it.