Back in 1995 was when my grandmother passed away and I had a major breakdown meltdown
Back in 1995 was when my grandmother passed away and I had a major breakdown meltdown

and so failing my suicide attempt my employer at the time quickly sent me to EPA, employment
and so failing my suicide attempt my employer at the time quickly sent me to EPA, employment

something assistance and I was diagnosed with major clinical depression.
something assistance and I was diagnosed with major clinical depression.

And I said, "You would be depressed too if all of this stuff was happening to you.
And I said, "You would be depressed too if all of this stuff was happening to you.

I am not mentally defective.
I am not mentally defective.

I am not crazy."
I am not crazy."

I rejected it.
I rejected it.

I was in total denial of it.
I was in total denial of it.

That wasn't me.
That wasn't me.

I understood my feelings but you don't understand my condition.
I understood my feelings but you don't understand my condition.

So that's how I felt toward the professional.
So that's how I felt toward the professional.

That's how I felt toward the actual label and diagnosis.
That's how I felt toward the actual label and diagnosis.

It was just way, way inefficient and insufficient to describe, you know, where I'm at.
It was just way, way inefficient and insufficient to describe, you know, where I'm at.

I'll describe my life growing up was a feeling of alien, alienation, alien-ness.
I'll describe my life growing up was a feeling of alien, alienation, alien-ness.

I was adopted into this world.
I was adopted into this world.

I was adopted by parents, adoptive parents.
I was adopted by parents, adoptive parents.

I came over from a foreign country -- China -- speaking Cantonese.
I came over from a foreign country -- China -- speaking Cantonese.

The place where I landed was in a neighborhood of colors.
The place where I landed was in a neighborhood of colors.

Namely, my neighbors to the right and left were Mexican-speaking Spanish therefore my
Namely, my neighbors to the right and left were Mexican-speaking Spanish therefore my

nickname, Lorenzo, and my first language in this country was Spanish.
nickname, Lorenzo, and my first language in this country was Spanish.

My third language then is English and I struggled with that language so growing up was very
My third language then is English and I struggled with that language so growing up was very

confused confusing.
confused confusing.

It was foreign, alien, and I would say hostile because I came into a family of five siblings;
It was foreign, alien, and I would say hostile because I came into a family of five siblings;

it was a ready-made family.
it was a ready-made family.

The parents, the adoptive parents were guardians to five foster children and I came in as their
The parents, the adoptive parents were guardians to five foster children and I came in as their

hope for raising a little child but I never felt that I fit.
hope for raising a little child but I never felt that I fit.

I always felt out of place.
I always felt out of place.

So, given that background, I found challenges and issues when I first started school, with
So, given that background, I found challenges and issues when I first started school, with

not understanding the teacher saying my name, which legally is Larry.
not understanding the teacher saying my name, which legally is Larry.

I always heard my name as Yu-Wa or Lorenzo and If anybody tried to pronounce my name
I always heard my name as Yu-Wa or Lorenzo and If anybody tried to pronounce my name

in English from our family it was La Lee so I didn't even recognized my name being called
in English from our family it was La Lee so I didn't even recognized my name being called

and I was punished with a note pinned on me.
and I was punished with a note pinned on me.

And because my mom knew that something was bad from the note.
And because my mom knew that something was bad from the note.

She spanked me without even understanding the note.
She spanked me without even understanding the note.

So that tells you also that I kind of grew up with a history of physical abuse and later
So that tells you also that I kind of grew up with a history of physical abuse and later

on, my adoptive grandmother.
on, my adoptive grandmother.

I'm not related to anybody in my family other than my biological son.
I'm not related to anybody in my family other than my biological son.

But my grandmother who came over after me was the one who actually picked me out of
But my grandmother who came over after me was the one who actually picked me out of

the orphanage and I bonded with her from three months to three years old.
the orphanage and I bonded with her from three months to three years old.

It took literally that long for the adoption and the immigration process.
It took literally that long for the adoption and the immigration process.

When she passed away I was lost.
When she passed away I was lost.

I felt like a zombie, like a part of me had died, like I was out of body, like my spirit
I felt like a zombie, like a part of me had died, like I was out of body, like my spirit

and my soul were someplace else and my body was just walking around on the earth.
and my soul were someplace else and my body was just walking around on the earth.

I so wanted to be with her.
I so wanted to be with her.

She and I were so close.
She and I were so close.

We were the best allies and friends, you know.
We were the best allies and friends, you know.

She just blessed my life over and over in many different ways and she loved me unconditionally.
She just blessed my life over and over in many different ways and she loved me unconditionally.

And when she left I felt that I was no longer loved by anyone on this planet because nobody
And when she left I felt that I was no longer loved by anyone on this planet because nobody

loved me like she loved me.
loved me like she loved me.

I became suicidal, suicidally depressed, I mean to the point where I attempted to take
I became suicidal, suicidally depressed, I mean to the point where I attempted to take

my own life.
my own life.

I failed my suicide attempt.
I failed my suicide attempt.

They 5150'd me.
They 5150'd me.

They had to call my parents to drive up to San Francisco General.
They had to call my parents to drive up to San Francisco General.

They wouldn't release me.
They wouldn't release me.

They 5250'd me.
They 5250'd me.

They had to have an extension.
They had to have an extension.

They wouldn't let me out unless it was in somebody they could trust in their hands into
They wouldn't let me out unless it was in somebody they could trust in their hands into

their custody of my parents.
their custody of my parents.

I'm back at home, a 40-year-old middle aged man who had made his success and living with
I'm back at home, a 40-year-old middle aged man who had made his success and living with

his parents and that became even more depressing.
his parents and that became even more depressing.

So I roamed the street looking for some comfort and I found crack cocaine and that was the
So I roamed the street looking for some comfort and I found crack cocaine and that was the

answer because when I took that hit, I didn't have to care.
answer because when I took that hit, I didn't have to care.

It didn't matter.
It didn't matter.

It made me -- it exonerated me emotionally from caring.
It made me -- it exonerated me emotionally from caring.

I'll tell you though, living on the streets and ending up homeless and broke I learned
I'll tell you though, living on the streets and ending up homeless and broke I learned

to become a survivor.
to become a survivor.

I learned from the best of them.
I learned from the best of them.

I had learned from the best of them.
I had learned from the best of them.

I learned from the best of the underworld, the illegitimate world, and I had learned
I learned from the best of the underworld, the illegitimate world, and I had learned

from the best of the corporate legitimate world.
from the best of the corporate legitimate world.

It almost became a more a safer, more comfortable environment because I didn't have to prove
It almost became a more a safer, more comfortable environment because I didn't have to prove

myself as much.
myself as much.

All I had to do was survive.
All I had to do was survive.

When I was back into the mainstream life I had to go get a job again.
When I was back into the mainstream life I had to go get a job again.

I had to fill out applications.
I had to fill out applications.

I had to tell them that I had drug convictions.
I had to tell them that I had drug convictions.

I had to prove myself.
I had to prove myself.

I had to wait, you know, I had to reprove myself.
I had to wait, you know, I had to reprove myself.

I had already done that in my previous career so it was just too much effort and being Chinese
I had already done that in my previous career so it was just too much effort and being Chinese

I felt ashamed to be taking these.
I felt ashamed to be taking these.

For example; my first job out of my first program, drug rehab program, was being, working
For example; my first job out of my first program, drug rehab program, was being, working

at the cash register for Barnes and Noble.
at the cash register for Barnes and Noble.

I was making minimum wage.
I was making minimum wage.

For a lot of other people that were in programs for drug rehab that was great.
For a lot of other people that were in programs for drug rehab that was great.

They were getting a legitimate job for the first time in their life and I didn't downplay
They were getting a legitimate job for the first time in their life and I didn't downplay

that.
that.

I respected that but for me it's like too many steps.
I respected that but for me it's like too many steps.

So it was easy.
So it was easy.

I went in and out.
I went in and out.

When I finally moved from Fresno back to the Bay Area, Berkeley in 2008 I had just enough
When I finally moved from Fresno back to the Bay Area, Berkeley in 2008 I had just enough

money.
money.

By then I had been diagnosed.
By then I had been diagnosed.

By then I was receiving an SSI check and I could make it from paycheck to paycheck.
By then I was receiving an SSI check and I could make it from paycheck to paycheck.

I could barely subsist alright.
I could barely subsist alright.

Back then the laws were such that you couldn't even find a place to rent cheap enough so
Back then the laws were such that you couldn't even find a place to rent cheap enough so

I went homeless still but I was able to at least eat and maybe have a better shelter.
I went homeless still but I was able to at least eat and maybe have a better shelter.

I was able to buy a tent and have a sleeping bag but there was no place to sleep legally
I was able to buy a tent and have a sleeping bag but there was no place to sleep legally

so I was still disenfranchised so to speak.
so I was still disenfranchised so to speak.

It was during those months of each one helping one another that I first experienced peer
It was during those months of each one helping one another that I first experienced peer

support in terms of what we see as peer support these days in mental health.
support in terms of what we see as peer support these days in mental health.

And come to find out that many of them also have had a diagnosis.
And come to find out that many of them also have had a diagnosis.

Come to find out that many of those people have also had traumatic events.
Come to find out that many of those people have also had traumatic events.

Going to NA and AA meetings, come to find out that many of us have shared common traumas
Going to NA and AA meetings, come to find out that many of us have shared common traumas

that were diagnosed that we shared life issues and problems.
that were diagnosed that we shared life issues and problems.

But I don't see this as no longer see this as being mentally defective or mentally ill.
But I don't see this as no longer see this as being mentally defective or mentally ill.

Life is a treasure -- precious.
Life is a treasure -- precious.

And I find that best illustrated in my son.
And I find that best illustrated in my son.

To think back now that I was going to end my life and leave him not knowing with so
To think back now that I was going to end my life and leave him not knowing with so

many questions in anguish, I am truly ashamed, but I have gotten over that.
many questions in anguish, I am truly ashamed, but I have gotten over that.

But to have so much help along the way has encouraged me and has heartened me that help
But to have so much help along the way has encouraged me and has heartened me that help

is everywhere.
is everywhere.

All we need to do is be receptive because the help comes when we need it.
All we need to do is be receptive because the help comes when we need it.

I am not ashamed of my diagnosis.
I am not ashamed of my diagnosis.

In fact, I respect my diagnosis because it is a useful tool, a handle.
In fact, I respect my diagnosis because it is a useful tool, a handle.

I understand now the medical model is striving simply to get a grip on, to get an understanding
I understand now the medical model is striving simply to get a grip on, to get an understanding

of how to treat these conditions which people for whatever reason is stirring them, disturbing
of how to treat these conditions which people for whatever reason is stirring them, disturbing

them inside to the point where their outward behavior becomes a danger to themselves or
them inside to the point where their outward behavior becomes a danger to themselves or

others.
others.

So at least even though it's label and to some, to many it is still considered a stigma.
So at least even though it's label and to some, to many it is still considered a stigma.

So I do intend to speak out to illuminate to help with my research and/or advocacy in
So I do intend to speak out to illuminate to help with my research and/or advocacy in

shedding light so that lay people can understand what those labels mean and what it means in
shedding light so that lay people can understand what those labels mean and what it means in

specific to them in terms of security, safety.
specific to them in terms of security, safety.

Whether they have loved ones or neighbors that they are feeling threatened by or care
Whether they have loved ones or neighbors that they are feeling threatened by or care

for.
for.

So that will be my lifelong endeavor.
So that will be my lifelong endeavor.