In real life, snakes are… honestly  fine. Lil slithery, kinda hard to read,  
In real life, snakes are… honestly  fine. Lil slithery, kinda hard to read,  

but broadly inoffensive. But there’s something  about ‘em that just tickles the imagination,  
but broadly inoffensive. But there’s something  about ‘em that just tickles the imagination,  

you know? You can’t walk five feet these  days without tripping over a mythological  
you know? You can’t walk five feet these  days without tripping over a mythological  

snake with crazy anomalous properties. Maybe  they’re the feathery forefather of humanity,  
snake with crazy anomalous properties. Maybe  they’re the feathery forefather of humanity,  

or a many-colored harbinger of rain, or an  eldritch abomination aiming to devour the sun,  
or a many-colored harbinger of rain, or an  eldritch abomination aiming to devour the sun,  

or any number of other slithery bois wending their  coils through human mythohistory. Something about  
or any number of other slithery bois wending their  coils through human mythohistory. Something about  

their sleek design just speaks to us, you know? But while mythical snakes span the whole moral  
their sleek design just speaks to us, you know? But while mythical snakes span the whole moral  

spectrum, if there’s one title that just  screams “evil” it’s “serpent king.” Nobody  
spectrum, if there’s one title that just  screams “evil” it’s “serpent king.” Nobody  

good has ever held the title serpent king,  and if you want proof, let’s go back about a  
good has ever held the title serpent king,  and if you want proof, let’s go back about a  

thousand years to the opening chapter of the  famous Persian epic The Shahnameh. Written  
thousand years to the opening chapter of the  famous Persian epic The Shahnameh. Written  

by the poet Ferdowsi between 977 and 1010 CE,  the Shahnameh, literally “the epic of kings,”  
by the poet Ferdowsi between 977 and 1010 CE,  the Shahnameh, literally “the epic of kings,”  

is the national epic of Greater Iran and a  very, very important piece of literature.  
is the national epic of Greater Iran and a  very, very important piece of literature.  

It’s also long as balls, but conveniently  subdivides into a lot of smaller stories  
It’s also long as balls, but conveniently  subdivides into a lot of smaller stories  

for easier consumption. Here’s one of them! So the story begins with a quick rundown on  
for easier consumption. Here’s one of them! So the story begins with a quick rundown on  

some ancient mythical kings and all the cool stuff  they did, mostly important civilization-things  
some ancient mythical kings and all the cool stuff  they did, mostly important civilization-things  

like inventing clothes and fire and irrigation  - you know, basic stuff like that. This line  
like inventing clothes and fire and irrigation  - you know, basic stuff like that. This line  

of kings does pretty well for itself until it  produces Jamshid (جمشید), who does really well  
of kings does pretty well for itself until it  produces Jamshid (جمشید), who does really well  

for himself - so well, in fact, that he decides  he’s basically god and starts having people  
for himself - so well, in fact, that he decides  he’s basically god and starts having people  

worship him. This is generally considered to be  unwise, and has some unintended consequences. 
worship him. This is generally considered to be  unwise, and has some unintended consequences. 

See, in Zoroastrianism, to put it very simply, the  earth is basically a constant battleground between  
See, in Zoroastrianism, to put it very simply, the  earth is basically a constant battleground between  

the forces of good and evil. Specifically, it’s a  proxy war between the beings Ahura Mazda, creator  
the forces of good and evil. Specifically, it’s a  proxy war between the beings Ahura Mazda, creator  

deity and ultimate good guy, and Angra Mainyu,  later called Ahriman, the source of all evil and  
deity and ultimate good guy, and Angra Mainyu,  later called Ahriman, the source of all evil and  

creator of various evil spirits called Daevas -  not to be confused with the Devas in Hinduism,  
creator of various evil spirits called Daevas -  not to be confused with the Devas in Hinduism,  

very different concept. In this model it’s the  duty of humanity to do good and bring happiness  
very different concept. In this model it’s the  duty of humanity to do good and bring happiness  

because it bolsters the forces of good and helps  in the cosmic battle against Ahriman. In contrast,  
because it bolsters the forces of good and helps  in the cosmic battle against Ahriman. In contrast,  

doing bad stuff tips the scales the other way, and  empowers Ahriman to do more bad stuff. Now by the  
doing bad stuff tips the scales the other way, and  empowers Ahriman to do more bad stuff. Now by the  

time the Shahnameh was written at the turn of the  11th century, the dominant religion in Persia was  
time the Shahnameh was written at the turn of the  11th century, the dominant religion in Persia was  

Islam, which had locally overtaken Zoroastrianism  a few centuries earlier. So the poet Ferdowsi  
Islam, which had locally overtaken Zoroastrianism  a few centuries earlier. So the poet Ferdowsi  

was writing from an interesting position: the  ancestral Iranian religion of Zoroastrianism  
was writing from an interesting position: the  ancestral Iranian religion of Zoroastrianism  

was no longer widely practiced and some of that  culture was in danger of being erased. So similar  
was no longer widely practiced and some of that  culture was in danger of being erased. So similar  

to how the Prose Edda frames the Norse gods as  something old and distant, the Shahnameh is framed  
to how the Prose Edda frames the Norse gods as  something old and distant, the Shahnameh is framed  

mythologically while still actively preserving  these ancient and culturally significant stories. 
mythologically while still actively preserving  these ancient and culturally significant stories. 

But anyway, long story short, Jamshid does a big  no-no and in the process tips the local cosmic  
But anyway, long story short, Jamshid does a big  no-no and in the process tips the local cosmic  

balance towards evil. Ahriman gets a nice little  power boost and starts sniffin’ around to cause  
balance towards evil. Ahriman gets a nice little  power boost and starts sniffin’ around to cause  

some mischief. So he zips out into the desert  to the kingdom of Thasis, ruled by the wise  
some mischief. So he zips out into the desert  to the kingdom of Thasis, ruled by the wise  

and just king Mirtas. Now Mirtas has a beloved  son, Zahak (ضحّاک), and Ahriman rolls up to the  
and just king Mirtas. Now Mirtas has a beloved  son, Zahak (ضحّاک), and Ahriman rolls up to the  

palace disguised as a nobleman and tells Zahak he  should enter a covenant with him, and if he does,  
palace disguised as a nobleman and tells Zahak he  should enter a covenant with him, and if he does,  

he’ll raise his head above the sun. Now Zahak  is a nice boy, maybe a little bit gullible,  
he’ll raise his head above the sun. Now Zahak  is a nice boy, maybe a little bit gullible,  

so he thinks, willickers, mister, that sounds  pretty nifty! and agrees! Step one? Kill your  
so he thinks, willickers, mister, that sounds  pretty nifty! and agrees! Step one? Kill your  

dad. Zahak doesn’t really wanna do that, but, eh,  a deal’s a deal, so he and Ahriman set a trap for  
dad. Zahak doesn’t really wanna do that, but, eh,  a deal’s a deal, so he and Ahriman set a trap for  

Mirtas and kill him. Now Zahak is the king of  Thasis! Nice! Ahriman teaches him some nifty  
Mirtas and kill him. Now Zahak is the king of  Thasis! Nice! Ahriman teaches him some nifty  

magic and encourages him to be evil, but Zahak’s  not all bad. He’s not a great king, but, you know,  
magic and encourages him to be evil, but Zahak’s  not all bad. He’s not a great king, but, you know,  

he’s trying his best. So Ahriman changes tactics  and zips round the back to change out his groucho  
he’s trying his best. So Ahriman changes tactics  and zips round the back to change out his groucho  

glasses and enters the palace in a different  disguise - this time a young man who offers to  
glasses and enters the palace in a different  disguise - this time a young man who offers to  

be a cook. Zahak doesn’t see the harm in it and  agrees, and Ahriman wastes no time in whipping up  
be a cook. Zahak doesn’t see the harm in it and  agrees, and Ahriman wastes no time in whipping up  

a meal fit for a king - specifically, he changes  the formerly vegetarian menu to include meat,  
a meal fit for a king - specifically, he changes  the formerly vegetarian menu to include meat,  

and Zahak is so impressed by this dietary shift  that he has the cook summoned before him so he  
and Zahak is so impressed by this dietary shift  that he has the cook summoned before him so he  

can grant him a boon, and Ahriman asks only that  he be allowed to kiss the king’s shoulders. Well,  
can grant him a boon, and Ahriman asks only that  he be allowed to kiss the king’s shoulders. Well,  

we don’t kinkshame in this palace! Zahak  agrees, and he probably shouldn’t have,  
we don’t kinkshame in this palace! Zahak  agrees, and he probably shouldn’t have,  

because after the deed is done, Ahriman is  swallowed up by the earth and two venomous  
because after the deed is done, Ahriman is  swallowed up by the earth and two venomous  

snakes sprout from Zahak’s shoulders. Fun times! Well Zahak obviously wants these snakeshoulders  
snakes sprout from Zahak’s shoulders. Fun times! Well Zahak obviously wants these snakeshoulders  

out of his life, but they can’t find any way to  get rid of them. Enter Ahriman Version Three,  
out of his life, but they can’t find any way to  get rid of them. Enter Ahriman Version Three,  

this time disguised as a learned scholar,  who tells Zahak that the only way to tame  
this time disguised as a learned scholar,  who tells Zahak that the only way to tame  

a case of the ol’ snakeshoulders is  to feed those bad boys human brains. 
a case of the ol’ snakeshoulders is  to feed those bad boys human brains. 

Now obviously having a king with snakeshoulders  who eats human brains is not so good for the  
Now obviously having a king with snakeshoulders  who eats human brains is not so good for the  

kingdom. Word begins to spread about  this absolutely terrifying snake king,  
kingdom. Word begins to spread about  this absolutely terrifying snake king,  

which is actually good news for the people back  in Persia who’ve been dealing with their own evil  
which is actually good news for the people back  in Persia who’ve been dealing with their own evil  

king for a good few centuries now. Rebel forces  congregate in Thasis and declare Zahak the new  
king for a good few centuries now. Rebel forces  congregate in Thasis and declare Zahak the new  

Shah, and an army musters to march against  Jamshid, who sees the writing on the wall  
Shah, and an army musters to march against  Jamshid, who sees the writing on the wall  

and books it. He manages to evade capture for a  good hundred years or so before they eventually  
and books it. He manages to evade capture for a  good hundred years or so before they eventually  

catch him and saw him in half. Tough break, buddy. So now Zahak the Serpent-King, or as I’ve taken  
catch him and saw him in half. Tough break, buddy. So now Zahak the Serpent-King, or as I’ve taken  

to calling him, Johnny Snakeshoulders, is the  Shah of Persia, which is great if the goal is  
to calling him, Johnny Snakeshoulders, is the  Shah of Persia, which is great if the goal is  

making the world an exponentially sh*ttier place  to live. Eventually things get so bad that Ahura  
making the world an exponentially sh*ttier place  to live. Eventually things get so bad that Ahura  

Mazda sits up and takes notice, and sets a plan in  motion to get things back on track. Jamshid’s got  
Mazda sits up and takes notice, and sets a plan in  motion to get things back on track. Jamshid’s got  

a few surviving descendants rattling around,  and thanks to a little divine intervention,  
a few surviving descendants rattling around,  and thanks to a little divine intervention,  

one of them has a son named Feridoun. Not so  coincidentally, that night Zahak has a terrible  
one of them has a son named Feridoun. Not so  coincidentally, that night Zahak has a terrible  

nightmare where a young man kills him with a  mace shaped like a cow head. He wakes up and  
nightmare where a young man kills him with a  mace shaped like a cow head. He wakes up and  

demands an explanation from his advisers,  who reluctantly inform him that it sounds  
demands an explanation from his advisers,  who reluctantly inform him that it sounds  

like there’s a prophecy that he’s going to be  overthrown and destroyed by a man named Feridoun. 
like there’s a prophecy that he’s going to be  overthrown and destroyed by a man named Feridoun. 

Well, you know how these evil king types get  about prophecies. Zahak immediately starts  
Well, you know how these evil king types get  about prophecies. Zahak immediately starts  

scouring the land for Feridoun. Feridoun’s mother  catches wind of this and hides him in a forest,  
scouring the land for Feridoun. Feridoun’s mother  catches wind of this and hides him in a forest,  

where he’s raised by a magic cow called Purmaieh.  Unfortunately after a few years the forest isn’t  
where he’s raised by a magic cow called Purmaieh.  Unfortunately after a few years the forest isn’t  

safe anymore, so she comes back to collect him  him and heads off to an isolated mountain peak  
safe anymore, so she comes back to collect him  him and heads off to an isolated mountain peak  

where a hermit can take care of him instead - and  just in time, too, since Zahak finds the forest,  
where a hermit can take care of him instead - and  just in time, too, since Zahak finds the forest,  

learns that Feridoun is gone, and gets so angry  that he kills Purmaieh and everything else in  
learns that Feridoun is gone, and gets so angry  that he kills Purmaieh and everything else in  

the forest, turning it into a barren desert. Zahak continues to strengthen his army and  
the forest, turning it into a barren desert. Zahak continues to strengthen his army and  

search for Feridoun, but that doesn’t do  his confidence any favors, and he starts to  
search for Feridoun, but that doesn’t do  his confidence any favors, and he starts to  

worry he might be a bad king. Nooooo. Whaaaat?  Nooooo. SO naturally he demands his citizens  
worry he might be a bad king. Nooooo. Whaaaat?  Nooooo. SO naturally he demands his citizens  

reassure him that he’s actually a good king  doing a really good job. Obviously they do  
reassure him that he’s actually a good king  doing a really good job. Obviously they do  

what he says, because snakeshoulders,  but dissent is beginning to spread. 
what he says, because snakeshoulders,  but dissent is beginning to spread. 

This comes to a head one day when a blacksmith  named Kavah marches straight into the palace and  
This comes to a head one day when a blacksmith  named Kavah marches straight into the palace and  

demands an audience. Kavah’s had seventeen sons,  see, but sixteen of them have been sacrificed to  
demands an audience. Kavah’s had seventeen sons,  see, but sixteen of them have been sacrificed to  

the king’s snakeshoulder situation, and now his  last son has been chosen to die too. He demands  
the king’s snakeshoulder situation, and now his  last son has been chosen to die too. He demands  

that Zahak spare his last son, and Zahak actually  agrees! Then he asks Kavah if he'll sign this  
that Zahak spare his last son, and Zahak actually  agrees! Then he asks Kavah if he'll sign this  

official paperwork stating that Zahak is a good  king actually, to which Kavah responds by ripping  
official paperwork stating that Zahak is a good  king actually, to which Kavah responds by ripping  

the paperwork into confetti and striding out of  the palace while everyone is too stunned to stop  
the paperwork into confetti and striding out of  the palace while everyone is too stunned to stop  

him. He heads straight for the city square, tears  off his blacksmith apron, uses it as a banner to  
him. He heads straight for the city square, tears  off his blacksmith apron, uses it as a banner to  

rally the people in rebellion and leads an army  out of the city to go find the prophecied hero  
rally the people in rebellion and leads an army  out of the city to go find the prophecied hero  

who’ll deliver them from the serpent king.  Give me this movie, hollywood! You cowards! 
who’ll deliver them from the serpent king.  Give me this movie, hollywood! You cowards! 

Meanwhile, Feridoun has grown into a responsible  and wise young man, returned home to his mother  
Meanwhile, Feridoun has grown into a responsible  and wise young man, returned home to his mother  

and learned of his royal lineage and  his destiny to destroy the Serpent King.  
and learned of his royal lineage and  his destiny to destroy the Serpent King.  

He’s ready to fulfill his destiny and is,  frankly, getting kind of impatient waiting,  
He’s ready to fulfill his destiny and is,  frankly, getting kind of impatient waiting,  

cuz he wants to kill the evil king now but his mom  says it’s not safe to go alone so he’s gonna have  
cuz he wants to kill the evil king now but his mom  says it’s not safe to go alone so he’s gonna have  

to wait. This is around the time the massive army  of rebels rolls up on their front lawn to ask if  
to wait. This is around the time the massive army  of rebels rolls up on their front lawn to ask if  

Feridoun can come out and play. Now that they’ve  got the manpower and the prophecy on their side,  
Feridoun can come out and play. Now that they’ve  got the manpower and the prophecy on their side,  

Feridoun gears up in some kingly armor and  has the rebels forge him a mace - and in  
Feridoun gears up in some kingly armor and  has the rebels forge him a mace - and in  

honor of his old nursemaid, the business  end of the mace is shaped like a cow head. 
honor of his old nursemaid, the business  end of the mace is shaped like a cow head. 

Oh yeah. It's all coming together. So they march to the city,  
Oh yeah. It's all coming together. So they march to the city,  

finding it… actually mostly undefended,  since coincidentally Zahak is out with  
finding it… actually mostly undefended,  since coincidentally Zahak is out with  

his army looking for Feridoun. The people rally  behind them and they invade the palace, defeating  
his army looking for Feridoun. The people rally  behind them and they invade the palace, defeating  

the daevas Zahak left to guard the place and  setting Feridoun on the throne as the new Shah. 
the daevas Zahak left to guard the place and  setting Feridoun on the throne as the new Shah. 

Now Zahak is none too pleased about this when  he returns. He and his army besiege the city  
Now Zahak is none too pleased about this when  he returns. He and his army besiege the city  

and there’s a very dramatic battle - which  our heroes win! Feridoun whacks Zahak with  
and there’s a very dramatic battle - which  our heroes win! Feridoun whacks Zahak with  

his mace and is just about to kill him when he’s  stopped by Sraosha, a servant of Ahura Mazda,  
his mace and is just about to kill him when he’s  stopped by Sraosha, a servant of Ahura Mazda,  

who tells him to imprison Zahak on Mount  Damavand instead. Feridoun follows his  
who tells him to imprison Zahak on Mount  Damavand instead. Feridoun follows his  

advice and binds Zahak under the mountain for all  time. And so thanks to a prophecied true king,  
advice and binds Zahak under the mountain for all  time. And so thanks to a prophecied true king,  

a charismatic rebel leader and a battle scene so  ridiculous I literally can’t believe they haven’t  
a charismatic rebel leader and a battle scene so  ridiculous I literally can’t believe they haven’t  

made this trope goldmine a movie yet, so ends  the tumultuous tale of Johnny Snakeshoulders!
made this trope goldmine a movie yet, so ends  the tumultuous tale of Johnny Snakeshoulders!

[You're Gonna Go Far, Kid - The Offspring]
[You're Gonna Go Far, Kid - The Offspring]