WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

LOOK, DOES ANYONE--
LOOK, DOES ANYONE--

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I HAVE AN IMPORTANT, IF PERSONAL QUESTION: DOES ANYONE HERE USE
I HAVE AN IMPORTANT, IF PERSONAL QUESTION: DOES ANYONE HERE USE

MONEY?
MONEY?

A COUPLE OF PEOPLE DO.
A COUPLE OF PEOPLE DO.

OKAY.
OKAY.

IF SO, YOU MIGHT WANT TO RETHINK PUTTING IT IN THE STOCK MARKET
IF SO, YOU MIGHT WANT TO RETHINK PUTTING IT IN THE STOCK MARKET

AND INVEST IN SOMETHING MORE TABLE OVER USEFUL IN THE
AND INVEST IN SOMETHING MORE TABLE OVER USEFUL IN THE

AFTER-TIMES, LIKE POTABLE WATER, OR SHEEP, OR
AFTER-TIMES, LIKE POTABLE WATER, OR SHEEP, OR

FLAME-THROWING GUITARS, BECAUSE IT WAS A ROUGH DAY ON THE STOCK
FLAME-THROWING GUITARS, BECAUSE IT WAS A ROUGH DAY ON THE STOCK

MARKET TODAY.
MARKET TODAY.

THE DOW ENDED THE DAY DOWN 473 POINTS.
THE DOW ENDED THE DAY DOWN 473 POINTS.

AND I THINK WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF THE CLOSING BELL:
AND I THINK WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF THE CLOSING BELL:

( CLOSING BELL MIXED WITH "PRIC IS RIGHT" DISAPPOINT THEME )
( CLOSING BELL MIXED WITH "PRIC IS RIGHT" DISAPPOINT THEME )

HERE'S WHAT CAUSED THE PLUNGE: YOU SEE, TRUMP HAS BEEN TRYING
HERE'S WHAT CAUSED THE PLUNGE: YOU SEE, TRUMP HAS BEEN TRYING

TO GET A TRADE DEAL WITH CHINA, AND THIS IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE
TO GET A TRADE DEAL WITH CHINA, AND THIS IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE

CHINA'S PRINCIPLE EXPORT IS...
CHINA'S PRINCIPLE EXPORT IS...

EVERYTHING YOU OWN.
EVERYTHING YOU OWN.

CHINESE TRADE NEGOTIATORS WERE SCHEDULED TO ARRIVE IN
CHINESE TRADE NEGOTIATORS WERE SCHEDULED TO ARRIVE IN

WASHINGTON FOR TALKS TOMORROW.
WASHINGTON FOR TALKS TOMORROW.

RIGHT?
RIGHT?

TOMORROW.
TOMORROW.

THINGS WERE LOOKING GOOD, BUT THEN ON SUNDAY, TRUMP TWEETED
THINGS WERE LOOKING GOOD, BUT THEN ON SUNDAY, TRUMP TWEETED

THIS:
THIS:

"FOR TEN MONTHS, CHINA HAS BEEN PAYING TARIFFS TO THE U.S.A. OF
"FOR TEN MONTHS, CHINA HAS BEEN PAYING TARIFFS TO THE U.S.A. OF

25% ON $50 BILLION OF HIGH TECH, AND 10% ON $200 BILLION OF OTHER
25% ON $50 BILLION OF HIGH TECH, AND 10% ON $200 BILLION OF OTHER

GOODS.
GOODS.

THESE PAYMENTS ARE PARTIALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR GREAT
THESE PAYMENTS ARE PARTIALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR GREAT

ECONOMIC RESULTS.
ECONOMIC RESULTS.

THE 10% WILL GO UP TO 25% ON FRIDAY.
THE 10% WILL GO UP TO 25% ON FRIDAY.

$325 BILLIONS DOLLARS, DOT, DOT, DOT."
$325 BILLIONS DOLLARS, DOT, DOT, DOT."

OKAY, I'M GOING TO STOP RIGHT THERE AND POINT OUT THAT THE MAN
OKAY, I'M GOING TO STOP RIGHT THERE AND POINT OUT THAT THE MAN

WHO CONTROLS OUR ECONOMIC FUTURE, HAS IT IN THE PALM OF
WHO CONTROLS OUR ECONOMIC FUTURE, HAS IT IN THE PALM OF

HIS HANDS, SAYS "BILLIONSES DOLLAR."
HIS HANDS, SAYS "BILLIONSES DOLLAR."

( AS TRUMP )
( AS TRUMP )

GETS MY MONEYS, MY BILLIONS DOLLARS, THERE'S GOING TO BE
GETS MY MONEYS, MY BILLIONS DOLLARS, THERE'S GOING TO BE

TROUBLES.
TROUBLES.

DON'T MAKE ME PUT MY RINGS ON."
DON'T MAKE ME PUT MY RINGS ON."

BUT TRUMP ASSURED THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
BUT TRUMP ASSURED THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

( AS TRUMP )
( AS TRUMP )

HAVE HAD LITTLE IMPACT ON PRODUCT COST, MOSTLY BORNE BY
HAVE HAD LITTLE IMPACT ON PRODUCT COST, MOSTLY BORNE BY

CHINA."
CHINA."

OF COURSE, TRUMP IS LYING IN THAT TWEET, AND HERE'S HOW YOU
OF COURSE, TRUMP IS LYING IN THAT TWEET, AND HERE'S HOW YOU

KNOW...
KNOW...

HE'S THE ONE SAYING IT.
HE'S THE ONE SAYING IT.

ALSO, ALL THE--
ALSO, ALL THE--

SURE.
SURE.

ALSO, U.S.-BASED COMPANIES PAY THE ADDITIONAL MONEY AND OFTEN
ALSO, U.S.-BASED COMPANIES PAY THE ADDITIONAL MONEY AND OFTEN

END UP PASSING THESE COSTS ON TO AMERICAN CONSUMERS.
END UP PASSING THESE COSTS ON TO AMERICAN CONSUMERS.

SO HE'S WILLING TO TANK THE ECONOMY JUST TO LOOK LIKE A
SO HE'S WILLING TO TANK THE ECONOMY JUST TO LOOK LIKE A

TOUGH GUY WITH CHINA.
TOUGH GUY WITH CHINA.

( AS TRUMP )
( AS TRUMP )

STRONG I AM?
STRONG I AM?

WELL, STAND BACK WHILE I PUNCH MYSELF IN THE FACE.
WELL, STAND BACK WHILE I PUNCH MYSELF IN THE FACE.

HERE IT COMES."
HERE IT COMES."

NOW--
NOW--

"IT'S OKAY, I'VE GOT ALL THIS PADDING."
"IT'S OKAY, I'VE GOT ALL THIS PADDING."

NOW, TRUMP'S THREAT TO RAISE TARIFFS WAS NOT WELL RECEIVED BY
NOW, TRUMP'S THREAT TO RAISE TARIFFS WAS NOT WELL RECEIVED BY

THE CHINESE.
THE CHINESE.

THEY ISSUED THIS OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT RESPONSE:
THEY ISSUED THIS OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT RESPONSE:

"DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT."
"DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT."

( LAUGHTER )
( LAUGHTER )

HE DOES NOT THINK.
HE DOES NOT THINK.

CHINESE SOCIAL MEDIA--
CHINESE SOCIAL MEDIA--

CHINESE SOCIAL MEDIA CIRCULATED A MEME OF TRUMP AS THANOS.
CHINESE SOCIAL MEDIA CIRCULATED A MEME OF TRUMP AS THANOS.

GREAT, GREAT!
GREAT, GREAT!

SO NOW I WON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT TRUMP'S DOING UNLESS I WATCH
SO NOW I WON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT TRUMP'S DOING UNLESS I WATCH

"ANT MAN AND THE WASP."
"ANT MAN AND THE WASP."

( LAUGHTER )
( LAUGHTER )

THAT'S NOT HAPPENING IN WASHINGTON.
THAT'S NOT HAPPENING IN WASHINGTON.

ON THURSDAY, ATTORNEY GENERAL WILLIAM BARR DID NOT APPEAR
ON THURSDAY, ATTORNEY GENERAL WILLIAM BARR DID NOT APPEAR

BEFORE THE HOUSE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE, WHERE HE DID NOT HAVE
BEFORE THE HOUSE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE, WHERE HE DID NOT HAVE

TO ANSWER QUESTIONS ABOUT ALL THE THINGS HE DID NOT DISCLOSE
TO ANSWER QUESTIONS ABOUT ALL THE THINGS HE DID NOT DISCLOSE

ABOUT THE MUELLER REPORT, WHICH DID NOT EXONERATE THE PRESIDENT.
ABOUT THE MUELLER REPORT, WHICH DID NOT EXONERATE THE PRESIDENT.

SO, IN SHORT, WE HAVE A FUNCTIONING DEMOCRACY-- NOT.
SO, IN SHORT, WE HAVE A FUNCTIONING DEMOCRACY-- NOT.

( LAUGHTER )
( LAUGHTER )

ALSO SUBPOENAED THE RECORDS OF FORMER WHITE HOUSE COUNSEL AND
ALSO SUBPOENAED THE RECORDS OF FORMER WHITE HOUSE COUNSEL AND

MAN INDICATING WHO DEALT IT,
MAN INDICATING WHO DEALT IT,

DON McGAHN.
DON McGAHN.

NOW, McGAHN'S TESTIMONY TO ROBERT MUELLER IS WHERE MANY OF
NOW, McGAHN'S TESTIMONY TO ROBERT MUELLER IS WHERE MANY OF

THE EXAMPLES OF OBSTRUCTION IN THE MUELLER REPORT COME FROM.
THE EXAMPLES OF OBSTRUCTION IN THE MUELLER REPORT COME FROM.

THAT'S WHY THE HOUSE WANTS McGAHN'S DOCUMENTS.
THAT'S WHY THE HOUSE WANTS McGAHN'S DOCUMENTS.

BUT THIS MORNING, THE "WHITE HOUSE ORDERED McGAHN NOT TO
BUT THIS MORNING, THE "WHITE HOUSE ORDERED McGAHN NOT TO

COMPLY WITH THE CONGRESSIONAL SUBPOENA."
COMPLY WITH THE CONGRESSIONAL SUBPOENA."

CLEARLY, THEY'RE AFRAID OF WHAT HIS PAPERS WILL REVEAL, BECAUSE
CLEARLY, THEY'RE AFRAID OF WHAT HIS PAPERS WILL REVEAL, BECAUSE

YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING: IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY,
YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING: IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY,

YOU PROBABLY WORKED FOR DONALD TRUMP.
YOU PROBABLY WORKED FOR DONALD TRUMP.

( LAUGHTER )
( LAUGHTER )

BIG--
BIG--

CHILLY.
CHILLY.

CHILLY.
CHILLY.

IT'S FROSTY IN HERE TONIGHT.
IT'S FROSTY IN HERE TONIGHT.

THE BIG QUESTION REMAINS WILL ROBERT MUELLER TESTIFY?
THE BIG QUESTION REMAINS WILL ROBERT MUELLER TESTIFY?

AND THE BIG ANSWER REMAINS, AND THE BIG ANSWER REMAINS,
AND THE BIG ANSWER REMAINS, AND THE BIG ANSWER REMAINS,

"I DUNNO."
"I DUNNO."

TRUMP HAS TWEETED HE DOESN'T WANT MUELLER TO TESTIFY, WHILE
TRUMP HAS TWEETED HE DOESN'T WANT MUELLER TO TESTIFY, WHILE

ATTORNEY GENERAL BILL BARR HAS INDICATED REPEATEDLY THAT HE
ATTORNEY GENERAL BILL BARR HAS INDICATED REPEATEDLY THAT HE

WOULD ALLOW MUELLER TO TESTIFY.
WOULD ALLOW MUELLER TO TESTIFY.

AND THAT'S IMPORTANT, BECAUSE AS THE HEAD OF THE JUSTICE
AND THAT'S IMPORTANT, BECAUSE AS THE HEAD OF THE JUSTICE

DEPARTMENT AND MUELLER'S BOSS, BARR COULD ATTEMPT TO BLOCK
DEPARTMENT AND MUELLER'S BOSS, BARR COULD ATTEMPT TO BLOCK

THE TESTIMONY IF HE CHOOSES.
THE TESTIMONY IF HE CHOOSES.

OKAY, HE CAN DO THAT.
OKAY, HE CAN DO THAT.

JUST LIKE HOW, AS A CBS EMPLOYEE, MY BOSSES CAN BLOCK ME
JUST LIKE HOW, AS A CBS EMPLOYEE, MY BOSSES CAN BLOCK ME

FROM GOING ON "NAKED AND A AFRAID, EVEN THOUGH-- EVEN
FROM GOING ON "NAKED AND A AFRAID, EVEN THOUGH-- EVEN

THOUGH, I AM BOTH OF THOSE THINGS, AT LEAST TWICE A DAY.
THOUGH, I AM BOTH OF THOSE THINGS, AT LEAST TWICE A DAY.

NOW-- OFTEN AT THE SAME TIME.
NOW-- OFTEN AT THE SAME TIME.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OFTEN AT THE SAME TIME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OFTEN AT THE SAME TIME.

>> Jon: AT THE SAME TIME, WHY IS THAT?
>> Jon: AT THE SAME TIME, WHY IS THAT?

OH,IA.
OH,IA.

>> Stephe: NO WONDER TRUMP WANTS EVERYONE TO DROP THIS MUELLER
>> Stephe: NO WONDER TRUMP WANTS EVERYONE TO DROP THIS MUELLER

STUFF.
STUFF.

MOST PEOPLE IT TURNS OUT DON'T BELIEVE HE WAS "TOTALLY AND
MOST PEOPLE IT TURNS OUT DON'T BELIEVE HE WAS "TOTALLY AND

COMPLETELY EXONERATED."
COMPLETELY EXONERATED."

IN FACT, JUST 50% OF FOX NEWS VIEWERS BUY TRUMP'S CLAIM THE
IN FACT, JUST 50% OF FOX NEWS VIEWERS BUY TRUMP'S CLAIM THE

MUELLER REPORT CLEARED HIM.
MUELLER REPORT CLEARED HIM.

THEY DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO BELIEVE THE PRESIDENT.
THEY DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO BELIEVE THE PRESIDENT.

THAT'S AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS FOR FOX VIEWERS.
THAT'S AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS FOR FOX VIEWERS.

AND THAT DEEP UNCERTAINTY HAS STARTED SHOWING UP IN ADS LIKE,
AND THAT DEEP UNCERTAINTY HAS STARTED SHOWING UP IN ADS LIKE,

"I'M NOT EVEN SURE THIS IS MY PILLOW."
"I'M NOT EVEN SURE THIS IS MY PILLOW."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

BUT-- "HAVE YOU CHEATED ON ME!
BUT-- "HAVE YOU CHEATED ON ME!

HAVE YOU CHEATED ON ME!" BUT IT'S NOT JUST MUELLER.
HAVE YOU CHEATED ON ME!" BUT IT'S NOT JUST MUELLER.

TRUMP REFUSES TO COOPERATE WITH CONGRESS ON ANYTHING.
TRUMP REFUSES TO COOPERATE WITH CONGRESS ON ANYTHING.

FOR INSTANCE, LAST NIGHT, WE GOT A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT FROM TREASURY
FOR INSTANCE, LAST NIGHT, WE GOT A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT FROM TREASURY

SECRETARY AND MAN TRYING TO DARTH VADER-STRANGLE A REPORTER,
SECRETARY AND MAN TRYING TO DARTH VADER-STRANGLE A REPORTER,

STEVE MNUCHIN.
STEVE MNUCHIN.

LAST NIGHT, MNUCHIN REJECTED HOUSE DEMOCRATS' DEMAND TO HAND
LAST NIGHT, MNUCHIN REJECTED HOUSE DEMOCRATS' DEMAND TO HAND

OVER TRUMP'S TAX RETURNS.
OVER TRUMP'S TAX RETURNS.

( AS MNUCHIN )
( AS MNUCHIN )

WHEN YOU PRY THEM FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS.
WHEN YOU PRY THEM FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS.

RIGHT NOW, THEY'RE JUST COLD."
RIGHT NOW, THEY'RE JUST COLD."

( LAUGHTER )
( LAUGHTER )

TO TESTIFY.
TO TESTIFY.

WE CAN'T SEE McGAHN'S NOTES.
WE CAN'T SEE McGAHN'S NOTES.

WE CAN'T SEE TRUMP'S TAXES.
WE CAN'T SEE TRUMP'S TAXES.

SO FAR, THE ONLY THING TRUMP'S NOT COVERING UP IS JUST AROUND
SO FAR, THE ONLY THING TRUMP'S NOT COVERING UP IS JUST AROUND

HIS EYES.
HIS EYES.

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

SURE, SURE.
SURE, SURE.

THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON.
THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON.

THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON.
THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON.

( AS TRUMP )
( AS TRUMP )

BUT MY FACE IS UNDER AUDIT."
BUT MY FACE IS UNDER AUDIT."

( LAUGHTER )
( LAUGHTER )

RETURNS UNDER A 1924 LAW STIPULATING THAT THE SECRETARY
RETURNS UNDER A 1924 LAW STIPULATING THAT THE SECRETARY

"SHALL FURNISH" SUCH RECORDS TO CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEES.
"SHALL FURNISH" SUCH RECORDS TO CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEES.

"SHALL."
"SHALL."

YOU KNOW IT'S IMPORTANT WHEN YOU SAY "SHALL."
YOU KNOW IT'S IMPORTANT WHEN YOU SAY "SHALL."

ONLY GOD USE "SHALL," OKAY.
ONLY GOD USE "SHALL," OKAY.

"SHALL" RARELY SEEN OUTSIDE OF STONE TABLETS.
"SHALL" RARELY SEEN OUTSIDE OF STONE TABLETS.

BUT MNUCHIN CLAIMED THE REQUEST "LACKS A LEGITIMATE LEGISLATIVE
BUT MNUCHIN CLAIMED THE REQUEST "LACKS A LEGITIMATE LEGISLATIVE

PURPOSE."
PURPOSE."

WELL, THERE YOU GO.
WELL, THERE YOU GO.

THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO.

HE STOPS IT.
HE STOPS IT.

HE STOPS IT.
HE STOPS IT.

CONGRESS WANTS IT, THEY'VE GOT THE LAW, AND IT DOESN'T HAPPEN
CONGRESS WANTS IT, THEY'VE GOT THE LAW, AND IT DOESN'T HAPPEN

BECAUSE IT'S RIGHT THERE IN THE CONSTITUTION:
BECAUSE IT'S RIGHT THERE IN THE CONSTITUTION:

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

"NO, NO, YOU CAN'T HAVE IT."
"NO, NO, YOU CAN'T HAVE IT."

( LAUGHTER )
( LAUGHTER )

DEPARTMENT IS, THEREFORE, NOT AUTHORIZED TO DISCLOSE THE
DEPARTMENT IS, THEREFORE, NOT AUTHORIZED TO DISCLOSE THE

REQUESTED RETURNS."
REQUESTED RETURNS."

AGAIN, THIS IS CONGRESS' JOB TO DECIDE, NOT MNUCHIN'S.
AGAIN, THIS IS CONGRESS' JOB TO DECIDE, NOT MNUCHIN'S.

THERE'S A REASON TRIALS DON'T END WITH THE JUDGE ASKING FOR A
THERE'S A REASON TRIALS DON'T END WITH THE JUDGE ASKING FOR A

VERDICT FROM THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY.
VERDICT FROM THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY.

"YOUR HONOR, I MAY JUST BE A SIMPLE COUNTRY LAWYER, BUT I
"YOUR HONOR, I MAY JUST BE A SIMPLE COUNTRY LAWYER, BUT I

FIND MY CLIENT NOT GUILTY-- OBJECTION!
FIND MY CLIENT NOT GUILTY-- OBJECTION!

SUSTAINED!
SUSTAINED!

BAILIFF, LOCK UP THE JUDGE!
BAILIFF, LOCK UP THE JUDGE!

NO, YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER."
NO, YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER."

"DO YOUR DUTY."
"DO YOUR DUTY."

SO TRUMP WON'T GIVE THE COEQUAL BRANCH OF GOVERNMENT, CONGRESS,
SO TRUMP WON'T GIVE THE COEQUAL BRANCH OF GOVERNMENT, CONGRESS,

ANY OF THE THINGS THAT THEY HAVE SUBPOENAED.
ANY OF THE THINGS THAT THEY HAVE SUBPOENAED.

WHAT CAN THE DEMOCRATS DO ABOUT THAT?
WHAT CAN THE DEMOCRATS DO ABOUT THAT?

WELL, ONE SOLUTION IS TO IMPEACH TRUMP, BUT THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT
WELL, ONE SOLUTION IS TO IMPEACH TRUMP, BUT THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT

HE WANTS, ACCORDING TO THE PERSON WHO COULD MAKE THAT
HE WANTS, ACCORDING TO THE PERSON WHO COULD MAKE THAT

HAPPEN.
HAPPEN.

>> TRUMP IS GOADING US TO IMPEACH HIM.
>> TRUMP IS GOADING US TO IMPEACH HIM.

THAT'S WHAT HE'S DOING.
THAT'S WHAT HE'S DOING.

EVERY SINGLE DAY, HE'S JUST, LIKE, TAUNTING, TAUNTING,
EVERY SINGLE DAY, HE'S JUST, LIKE, TAUNTING, TAUNTING,

TAUNTING.
TAUNTING.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "HEY, FANCY NANCY.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "HEY, FANCY NANCY.

( LAUGHTER )
( LAUGHTER )

IS GROSSY PELOSI TOO SCARED TO MAKE A SPEECHY ABOUT IMPEACHY?
IS GROSSY PELOSI TOO SCARED TO MAKE A SPEECHY ABOUT IMPEACHY?

NANNY, NANNY, BOO-BOO.
NANNY, NANNY, BOO-BOO.

YOU WON'T DEFEND THE CONSTI-TOO-TOO.
YOU WON'T DEFEND THE CONSTI-TOO-TOO.

BAWK, BAWK, BAWK, BAWK, BAWK, BAWK."
BAWK, BAWK, BAWK, BAWK, BAWK, BAWK."