- IT'S THE VIEW OUTSIDE PEOPLE'S DOORS AND WINDOWS
- IT'S THE VIEW OUTSIDE PEOPLE'S DOORS AND WINDOWS

THAT HAS WALNUT CREEK NEIGHBORS DOING DOUBLE TAKES.
THAT HAS WALNUT CREEK NEIGHBORS DOING DOUBLE TAKES.

YES, THAT'S A GUY WITH A RIFLE STRAPPED ACROSS HIS BACK
YES, THAT'S A GUY WITH A RIFLE STRAPPED ACROSS HIS BACK

WALKING DOWN THE SIDEWALK.
WALKING DOWN THE SIDEWALK.

- THIS IS MY GRANDDAD'S GUN FROM WORLD WAR II.
- THIS IS MY GRANDDAD'S GUN FROM WORLD WAR II.

- 19-YEAR-OLD JOHN SCHULTZ ALSO WEARS A BULLETPROOF VEST,
- 19-YEAR-OLD JOHN SCHULTZ ALSO WEARS A BULLETPROOF VEST,

CARRIES AMMO, AND KEEPS A KNIFE.
CARRIES AMMO, AND KEEPS A KNIFE.

- I HAVE ZIP TIES ON AS WELL, JUST IN CASE.
- I HAVE ZIP TIES ON AS WELL, JUST IN CASE.

- MY KIDS DON'T EVEN COME OUTSIDE
- MY KIDS DON'T EVEN COME OUTSIDE

'CAUSE THEY'RE SCARED.
'CAUSE THEY'RE SCARED.

- HIS WALKS VARY, DAY AND NIGHT.
- HIS WALKS VARY, DAY AND NIGHT.

IT'S MOSTLY FOR PICKING UP GARBAGE.
IT'S MOSTLY FOR PICKING UP GARBAGE.

- IT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH THE GUN OR THE BODY ARMOR.
- IT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH THE GUN OR THE BODY ARMOR.

IT'S THE PERSON.
IT'S THE PERSON.

- BUT THERE'S TILL THE GUN AND THE BODY ARMOR.
- BUT THERE'S TILL THE GUN AND THE BODY ARMOR.

- YEAH, IT JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE THERE.
- YEAH, IT JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE THERE.

- GUNS WERE SO COOL BEFORE NERDY WHITE KIDS
- GUNS WERE SO COOL BEFORE NERDY WHITE KIDS

STARTED USING THEM TO GET EVEN.
STARTED USING THEM TO GET EVEN.

THAT'S G.I. JOHN, AND SO HELP YOU GOD IF YOU LITTER
THAT'S G.I. JOHN, AND SO HELP YOU GOD IF YOU LITTER

IN HIS PREDOMINANTLY COLORED...FUL NEIGHBORHOOD.
IN HIS PREDOMINANTLY COLORED...FUL NEIGHBORHOOD.

JOHN IS WHAT WE Y.A. FANS WOULD CLASSIFY AS A DAUNTLESS.
JOHN IS WHAT WE Y.A. FANS WOULD CLASSIFY AS A DAUNTLESS.

WE WOULD'VE AIRED THIS REDEMPTION A FEW WEEKS AGO,
WE WOULD'VE AIRED THIS REDEMPTION A FEW WEEKS AGO,

HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR A MUCH MORE DISTURBING
HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR A MUCH MORE DISTURBING

GUN-TOTING LUNATIC ON THE NEWS.
GUN-TOTING LUNATIC ON THE NEWS.

WHAT KIND OF COUNTRY DO WE LIVE IN
WHAT KIND OF COUNTRY DO WE LIVE IN

WHERE AN ASSHOLE COMEDIAN LIKE ME
WHERE AN ASSHOLE COMEDIAN LIKE ME

IS PULLING BITS OFF THE AIR OUT OF RESPECT?
IS PULLING BITS OFF THE AIR OUT OF RESPECT?

EVERYONE SHOULD FEEL COMFORTABLE
EVERYONE SHOULD FEEL COMFORTABLE

AS LONG AS JOHN AVOIDS CHURCHES, MALLS,
AS LONG AS JOHN AVOIDS CHURCHES, MALLS,

ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS, AND MOVIE THEATERS...
ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS, AND MOVIE THEATERS...

OR VIRGINIA TECH.
OR VIRGINIA TECH.

I KNOW PIRATING MOVIES IS A CRIME,
I KNOW PIRATING MOVIES IS A CRIME,

BUT DIVING ON TOP OF MY GIRLFRIEND
BUT DIVING ON TOP OF MY GIRLFRIEND

TO KEEP HER FROM GETTING SHOT SEEMS A LOT WORSE.
TO KEEP HER FROM GETTING SHOT SEEMS A LOT WORSE.

WHY IS IT THE FOLKS WHO WANT GUNS FOR PROTECTION
WHY IS IT THE FOLKS WHO WANT GUNS FOR PROTECTION

HAVE THE LEAST TO PROTECT?
HAVE THE LEAST TO PROTECT?

NOBODY IS TRYING TO STEAL YOUR BOWLING TROPHIES
NOBODY IS TRYING TO STEAL YOUR BOWLING TROPHIES

OR YOUR 46-INCH VIZIO.
OR YOUR 46-INCH VIZIO.

POLICE GET A FREE GUN JUST FOR DROPPING OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL
POLICE GET A FREE GUN JUST FOR DROPPING OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL

AND COMPLETING AN OBSTACLE COURSE.
AND COMPLETING AN OBSTACLE COURSE.

AS SOON AS PRESIDENT TRUMP LOOKS INTO IT,
AS SOON AS PRESIDENT TRUMP LOOKS INTO IT,

GUN VIOLENCE WON'T BE A PROBLEM ANYMORE.
GUN VIOLENCE WON'T BE A PROBLEM ANYMORE.

HE'S NOT SURE HOW OR WHEN, "BUT IT'S GONNA BE TREMENDOUS."
HE'S NOT SURE HOW OR WHEN, "BUT IT'S GONNA BE TREMENDOUS."

GUNS ARE THE ONLY WAY STUPID PEOPLE CAN WIN ARGUMENTS.
GUNS ARE THE ONLY WAY STUPID PEOPLE CAN WIN ARGUMENTS.

THEY'RE LIKE UNCIRCUMCISED PENISES.
THEY'RE LIKE UNCIRCUMCISED PENISES.

I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE THEM,
I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE THEM,

BUT WHEN I HOLD ONE, I'M UNCOMFORTABLE.
BUT WHEN I HOLD ONE, I'M UNCOMFORTABLE.

BUT DESPITE THE RIFLE, BODY ARMOR,
BUT DESPITE THE RIFLE, BODY ARMOR,

AND ARYAN-NATION HAIRCUT,
AND ARYAN-NATION HAIRCUT,

JOHN MAKES A LOT OF SENSE.
JOHN MAKES A LOT OF SENSE.

THAT'S WHY I FLEW HIM TO HOLLYWOOD,
THAT'S WHY I FLEW HIM TO HOLLYWOOD,

WHERE LIBERAL CELEBS WHO HATE GUNS
WHERE LIBERAL CELEBS WHO HATE GUNS

GET RICH MAKING MOVIES THAT GLORIFY THEM
GET RICH MAKING MOVIES THAT GLORIFY THEM

IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.
IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

I'M EXCITED TO BE AROUND ME TOO.
I'M EXCITED TO BE AROUND ME TOO.

METEOROLOGISTS PREDICT A STRONG EL NIÑO THIS YEAR.
METEOROLOGISTS PREDICT A STRONG EL NIÑO THIS YEAR.

WITH A NAME LIKE THAT, DONALD TRUMP THINKS THAT MEANS
WITH A NAME LIKE THAT, DONALD TRUMP THINKS THAT MEANS

IT WILL GROW UP TO BE A CRIMINAL AND A RAPIST.
IT WILL GROW UP TO BE A CRIMINAL AND A RAPIST.

[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHTER]

I KID THE DONALD.
I KID THE DONALD.

LET'S MEET OUR PANEL.
LET'S MEET OUR PANEL.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HE'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE COMICS
HE'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE COMICS

BECAUSE HALF OF HIS ACT IS ABOUT ME.
BECAUSE HALF OF HIS ACT IS ABOUT ME.

[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]

I KID.
I KID.

PLEASE WELCOME COMEDIAN ANDY KINDLER.
PLEASE WELCOME COMEDIAN ANDY KINDLER.

- THANKS, BILL. YOU'RE A RACIST HACK.
- THANKS, BILL. YOU'RE A RACIST HACK.

- SHE'S ONLY OUT HERE
- SHE'S ONLY OUT HERE

BECAUSE I DON'T TRUST HER ALONE BACKSTAGE: MY HOOKER.
BECAUSE I DON'T TRUST HER ALONE BACKSTAGE: MY HOOKER.

AND FINALLY, HE'S KNOWN FOR SCARING HIS NEIGHBORS
AND FINALLY, HE'S KNOWN FOR SCARING HIS NEIGHBORS

WHEN HE'S UNNECESSARILY PATROLLING THE STREETS
WHEN HE'S UNNECESSARILY PATROLLING THE STREETS

WITH A LOADED GUN, MY OLD JOB,
WITH A LOADED GUN, MY OLD JOB,

JOHN THE RIFLE KID, EVERYBODY.
JOHN THE RIFLE KID, EVERYBODY.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET STARTED.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET STARTED.

- I HAVE AN IDEA.
- I HAVE AN IDEA.

WHY DON'T YOU PRACTICE YOUR HORRIBLE MONOLOGUE
WHY DON'T YOU PRACTICE YOUR HORRIBLE MONOLOGUE

IN FRONT OF A MIRROR BEFORE THE SHOW
IN FRONT OF A MIRROR BEFORE THE SHOW

SO IT DOESN'T CRACK YOU UP SO MUCH?
SO IT DOESN'T CRACK YOU UP SO MUCH?

- NICE.
- NICE.

I'M GLAD YOU GREW YOUR HAIR OUT.
I'M GLAD YOU GREW YOUR HAIR OUT.

YOU LOOK LESS CREEPY NOW.
YOU LOOK LESS CREEPY NOW.

- OH, YEAH.
- OH, YEAH.

- HOW OFTEN DO YOU PATROL YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD?
- HOW OFTEN DO YOU PATROL YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD?

- WHEN I'M BORED.
- WHEN I'M BORED.

- SO HOW MANY TIMES A WEEK? ONCE A WEEK?
- SO HOW MANY TIMES A WEEK? ONCE A WEEK?

- PROBABLY THREE OR FOUR TIMES A DAY.
- PROBABLY THREE OR FOUR TIMES A DAY.

- THREE OR FOUR TIMES A DAY.
- THREE OR FOUR TIMES A DAY.

- IT CAN BE, YOU KNOW, 3:00 A.M.
- IT CAN BE, YOU KNOW, 3:00 A.M.

- YOU PATROL AT 3:00 A.M. WITH A LOADED RIFLE?
- YOU PATROL AT 3:00 A.M. WITH A LOADED RIFLE?

- IN THE VIDEO, YOU SEE THE BOLT OPEN.
- IN THE VIDEO, YOU SEE THE BOLT OPEN.

I'VE ACTUALLY HAD POLICE COME TO ME AND SAY,
I'VE ACTUALLY HAD POLICE COME TO ME AND SAY,

"IT'S NOT SMART TO BE WALKING AROUND WITH AN UNLOADED GUN,"
"IT'S NOT SMART TO BE WALKING AROUND WITH AN UNLOADED GUN,"

AND THEY'VE TAKEN IT FROM ME AND LOADED IT AND SAID,
AND THEY'VE TAKEN IT FROM ME AND LOADED IT AND SAID,

"YOU'RE WALKING AROUND WITH A BRICK, ESSENTIALLY."
"YOU'RE WALKING AROUND WITH A BRICK, ESSENTIALLY."

- WHICH ALSO COULD DO A LOT OF DAMAGE.
- WHICH ALSO COULD DO A LOT OF DAMAGE.

- HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO SWITCH THINGS UP
- HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO SWITCH THINGS UP

AND ACTUALLY, LIKE, THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?
AND ACTUALLY, LIKE, THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?

YOU KNOW, JUST FOR-- JUST FOR A CHANGE.
YOU KNOW, JUST FOR-- JUST FOR A CHANGE.

- IS YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD PREDOMINANTLY BLACK?
- IS YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD PREDOMINANTLY BLACK?

- YES.
- YES.

- DO YOU UNDERSTAND
- DO YOU UNDERSTAND

WHY BLACK PEOPLE WOULD BE A LITTLE CREEPED OUT
WHY BLACK PEOPLE WOULD BE A LITTLE CREEPED OUT

BY A WHITE GUY WALKING AROUND WITH A RIFLE?
BY A WHITE GUY WALKING AROUND WITH A RIFLE?

- OH, YEAH.
- OH, YEAH.

I UNDERSTAND,
I UNDERSTAND,

BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M NOT GONNA STOP.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M NOT GONNA STOP.

YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT IT'S PART OF THE CONSTITUTION
YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT IT'S PART OF THE CONSTITUTION

AND THE BILL OF RIGHTS THAT, YOU KNOW,
AND THE BILL OF RIGHTS THAT, YOU KNOW,

WE NEED TO SERIOUSLY STEP UP.
WE NEED TO SERIOUSLY STEP UP.

- DO YOU RACIALLY PROFILE?
- DO YOU RACIALLY PROFILE?

- NO. I HAVE A LOT OF-- - THAT'S GOOD.
- NO. I HAVE A LOT OF-- - THAT'S GOOD.

- I HAVE A LOT OF BLACK FRIENDS IN THAT NEIGHBORHOOD
- I HAVE A LOT OF BLACK FRIENDS IN THAT NEIGHBORHOOD

THAT RESPECT ME.
THAT RESPECT ME.

IN FACT, WHEN I GOT STOPPED BY THE NEWS,
IN FACT, WHEN I GOT STOPPED BY THE NEWS,

YOU KNOW, AND THEY WERE FILMING,
YOU KNOW, AND THEY WERE FILMING,

I WAS STANDING AT THE CORNER.
I WAS STANDING AT THE CORNER.

THEY PULLED UP.
THEY PULLED UP.

THEY WERE LEAVING TO GO KAYAKING.
THEY WERE LEAVING TO GO KAYAKING.

- BLACK PEOPLE GOING KAYAKING?
- BLACK PEOPLE GOING KAYAKING?

- OH, HELL YEAH.
- OH, HELL YEAH.

- THAT, MY FRIEND,
- THAT, MY FRIEND,

IS THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD.
IS THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD.

- THIS SHOW RELIGI-SUCKS.
- THIS SHOW RELIGI-SUCKS.

HUH?
HUH?

- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PART OF THE SECOND AMENDMENT?
- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PART OF THE SECOND AMENDMENT?

THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS OR THE PART ABOUT MILITIAS?
THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS OR THE PART ABOUT MILITIAS?

- MILITIA.
- MILITIA.

- WHY NOT JOIN THE MILITARY?
- WHY NOT JOIN THE MILITARY?

- I HAVE ALLERGIES AND ASTHMA.
- I HAVE ALLERGIES AND ASTHMA.

- YOU'RE PREACHING TO THE CHOIR.
- YOU'RE PREACHING TO THE CHOIR.

UGH.
UGH.

POLLEN WILL RUIN MY DAY.
POLLEN WILL RUIN MY DAY.

- ONE TIME, [BLEEP] PEED ON ME.
- ONE TIME, [BLEEP] PEED ON ME.

- OH.
- OH.

AND THE BULLETPROOF VEST-- DO YOU THINK THAT'S A BIT MUCH?
AND THE BULLETPROOF VEST-- DO YOU THINK THAT'S A BIT MUCH?

- THIS IS FOR ME.
- THIS IS FOR ME.

- IS THERE A LOT OF GUN FIGHTS GOING ON IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD?
- IS THERE A LOT OF GUN FIGHTS GOING ON IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD?

- OH, YEAH. WE'RE OUT IN THE COUNTY.
- OH, YEAH. WE'RE OUT IN THE COUNTY.

YOU CAN SHOOT GUNS, AND THERE'S BEEN
YOU CAN SHOOT GUNS, AND THERE'S BEEN

DRIVE-BY SHOOTINGS IN THAT NEIGHBORHOOD,
DRIVE-BY SHOOTINGS IN THAT NEIGHBORHOOD,

LIKE, THE DAY AFTER I MOVED OUT.
LIKE, THE DAY AFTER I MOVED OUT.

- YOU'VE SINCE LEFT THAT COMMUNITY.
- YOU'VE SINCE LEFT THAT COMMUNITY.

- YES. - YOU'RE IN A NEW COMMUNITY,
- YES. - YOU'RE IN A NEW COMMUNITY,

I HOPE DOING THE SAME CRAZY STUFF.
I HOPE DOING THE SAME CRAZY STUFF.

YOU EVER SEEN SOMEONE LITTER?
YOU EVER SEEN SOMEONE LITTER?

- YEAH, AND-- - WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- YEAH, AND-- - WHAT DO YOU SAY?

- I'LL TALK TO 'EM.
- I'LL TALK TO 'EM.

- ARE YOU LEGALLY ALLOWED TO SHOOT LITTERERS?
- ARE YOU LEGALLY ALLOWED TO SHOOT LITTERERS?

- NO.
- NO.

- YOU EVER THINK ABOUT ADDING A BAYONET
- YOU EVER THINK ABOUT ADDING A BAYONET

TO THE RIFLE SO IT'S EASIER TO PICK UP TRASH?
TO THE RIFLE SO IT'S EASIER TO PICK UP TRASH?

- I HAVE. I HAVE.
- I HAVE. I HAVE.

- ARE YOU A GOOD SHOT?
- ARE YOU A GOOD SHOT?

- YES, I'M VERY PROFICIENT.
- YES, I'M VERY PROFICIENT.

- HOW MANY CONFIRMED KILLS DO YOU HAVE?
- HOW MANY CONFIRMED KILLS DO YOU HAVE?

- THERE HAS TO BE A WITNESS FOR A CONFIRMED KILL.
- THERE HAS TO BE A WITNESS FOR A CONFIRMED KILL.

- OKAY, YOU DON'T...
- OKAY, YOU DON'T...

- HEY, BILL, YOU'RE 59 YEARS OLD,
- HEY, BILL, YOU'RE 59 YEARS OLD,

AND YOU WEAR GRAPHIC TEES ONSTAGE.
AND YOU WEAR GRAPHIC TEES ONSTAGE.

EXPLAIN YOURSELF.
EXPLAIN YOURSELF.

- I MEAN, BILLY, HOW LONG IS THIS BORING-ASS SHOW AGAIN?
- I MEAN, BILLY, HOW LONG IS THIS BORING-ASS SHOW AGAIN?

- WHAT OTHER ACTIVITIES DO YOU LIKE TO DO
- WHAT OTHER ACTIVITIES DO YOU LIKE TO DO

FOR GOOD EXERCISE?
FOR GOOD EXERCISE?

- I MEAN, LIFT WEIGHTS.
- I MEAN, LIFT WEIGHTS.

- WHAT ABOUT THAT FIGHTING?
- WHAT ABOUT THAT FIGHTING?

THAT UFC STUFF. YOU LIKE THAT?
THAT UFC STUFF. YOU LIKE THAT?

- MM-HMM.
- MM-HMM.

IN FACT, MY PASTOR, RICK HOCKER,
IN FACT, MY PASTOR, RICK HOCKER,

WAS ON THAT SHOW.
WAS ON THAT SHOW.

- THE FIGHT CHURCH.
- THE FIGHT CHURCH.

- YOU GUYS LIKE TO SEE ME FIGHTING ANOTHER PASTOR?
- YOU GUYS LIKE TO SEE ME FIGHTING ANOTHER PASTOR?

- OH! THAT GUY'S A GENIUS.
- OH! THAT GUY'S A GENIUS.

- THAT'S MY CHURCH.
- THAT'S MY CHURCH.

- YOU GO TO FIGHT CHURCH. - YES.
- YOU GO TO FIGHT CHURCH. - YES.

MY PARENTS WERE MARRIED THERE, ACTUALLY.
MY PARENTS WERE MARRIED THERE, ACTUALLY.

- DO THEY KISS THE BRIDE, OR DOES HE, LIKE,
- DO THEY KISS THE BRIDE, OR DOES HE, LIKE,

PUT HER IN, LIKE, A REAR-NAKED CHOKE HOLD?
PUT HER IN, LIKE, A REAR-NAKED CHOKE HOLD?

- [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS]

- MY FAVORITE FRIDAY NIGHTS
- MY FAVORITE FRIDAY NIGHTS

ARE WHEN YOU'RE ON HIATUS; I LOVE IT.
ARE WHEN YOU'RE ON HIATUS; I LOVE IT.

- YOU THINK OBAMA WOULD TRY TO TAKE YOUR GUNS?
- YOU THINK OBAMA WOULD TRY TO TAKE YOUR GUNS?

- HOW?
- HOW?

- I DON'T KNOW.
- I DON'T KNOW.

YOU THINK HE'S DOING A GOOD JOB?
YOU THINK HE'S DOING A GOOD JOB?

- [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS]

AT FAILING, YES.
AT FAILING, YES.

- BILL, I LOVE HOW ALL YOUR JOKES ABOUT OBAMA
- BILL, I LOVE HOW ALL YOUR JOKES ABOUT OBAMA

FOLLOW THIS STRUCTURE:
FOLLOW THIS STRUCTURE:

SOMETHING, SOMETHING, THE--
SOMETHING, SOMETHING, THE--

BOTH: BLACK GUY.
BOTH: BLACK GUY.

- THAT'S RIGHT.
- THAT'S RIGHT.

- WOULD AMERICA BE SAFER
- WOULD AMERICA BE SAFER

IF EVERYONE HAD A GUN?
IF EVERYONE HAD A GUN?

- [SCOFFS]
- [SCOFFS]

- NO. - NO.
- NO. - NO.

- WHAT IF EVERY AMERICAN HAD TWO GUNS?
- WHAT IF EVERY AMERICAN HAD TWO GUNS?

'CAUSE I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THAT COOL THING
'CAUSE I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THAT COOL THING

WHERE YOU HOLD, LIKE-- AND YOU'RE, LIKE,
WHERE YOU HOLD, LIKE-- AND YOU'RE, LIKE,

RUNNING DOWN A HALLWAY OF A HOTEL
RUNNING DOWN A HALLWAY OF A HOTEL

JUST SHOOTING BOTH SIDES.
JUST SHOOTING BOTH SIDES.

- DO THAT THING WHERE
- DO THAT THING WHERE

YOU BLAME THE AUDIENCE WHEN THE JOKE IS WEAK.
YOU BLAME THE AUDIENCE WHEN THE JOKE IS WEAK.

- COME ON.
- COME ON.

YOU GUYS COULD GIVE HIM MORE FOR THAT.
YOU GUYS COULD GIVE HIM MORE FOR THAT.

- RIGHT. IT'S THEIR FAULT!
- RIGHT. IT'S THEIR FAULT!

- ARE YOU PREPARED TO DIE FOR YOUR CUL-DE-SAC?
- ARE YOU PREPARED TO DIE FOR YOUR CUL-DE-SAC?

- WAIT ONE SECOND, JOHN.
- WAIT ONE SECOND, JOHN.

HEY, YOU KNOW, IF YOU AND JIMMY FALLON HAD A BABY,
HEY, YOU KNOW, IF YOU AND JIMMY FALLON HAD A BABY,

IT'S FULL NAME WOULD BE
IT'S FULL NAME WOULD BE

"BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE PEOPLE WHO RUINED COMEDY."
"BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE PEOPLE WHO RUINED COMEDY."

- DO YOU THINK IT'S TOO EASY TO GET A GUN?
- DO YOU THINK IT'S TOO EASY TO GET A GUN?

- IT'S TOO EASY FOR PEOPLE TO GET GUNS ILLEGALLY.
- IT'S TOO EASY FOR PEOPLE TO GET GUNS ILLEGALLY.

- HOW DO WE FIX THAT?
- HOW DO WE FIX THAT?

- I HAVE NO CLUE.
- I HAVE NO CLUE.

- PERSONALLY, I BELIEVE THAT STRONGER BACKGROUND CHECKS
- PERSONALLY, I BELIEVE THAT STRONGER BACKGROUND CHECKS

AND INCREASED FUNDING FOR MENTAL HEALTH
AND INCREASED FUNDING FOR MENTAL HEALTH

WILL SUBSTANTIALLY REDUCE GUN VIOLENCE.
WILL SUBSTANTIALLY REDUCE GUN VIOLENCE.

- THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M PAYING YOU FOR.
- THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M PAYING YOU FOR.

ARE YOU IN GOOD MENTAL HEALTH?
ARE YOU IN GOOD MENTAL HEALTH?

YOU EVER BEEN TESTED? - MM-HMM.
YOU EVER BEEN TESTED? - MM-HMM.

- YOU HAVE?
- YOU HAVE?

- MY MOM WORKS FOR THE VA.
- MY MOM WORKS FOR THE VA.

- WHAT, DID SHE GIVE YOU JUST A FREEBIE?
- WHAT, DID SHE GIVE YOU JUST A FREEBIE?

- MM-HMM.
- MM-HMM.

SHE'S A MENTAL-HEALTH NURSE AS WELL.
SHE'S A MENTAL-HEALTH NURSE AS WELL.

- AND SHE SAYS YOU'RE FINE.
- AND SHE SAYS YOU'RE FINE.

THAT'S ALL I NEEDED TO HEAR.
THAT'S ALL I NEEDED TO HEAR.

[GUNSHOT]
[GUNSHOT]

- I THOUGHT HE HAD A GUN.
- I THOUGHT HE HAD A GUN.

- WHY WOULD I HAVE A GUN?
- WHY WOULD I HAVE A GUN?

I'M A JEW.
I'M A JEW.

I WAS JUST HOPING TO GET MY PARTING VALIDATED
I WAS JUST HOPING TO GET MY PARTING VALIDATED

BEFORE I SAID THIS NEXT HORRIBLE THING ABOUT BILL.
BEFORE I SAID THIS NEXT HORRIBLE THING ABOUT BILL.

- MAYBE THERE IS A GOD.
- MAYBE THERE IS A GOD.

- THAT'S THE FUNNIEST THING YOU'VE EVER SAID.
- THAT'S THE FUNNIEST THING YOU'VE EVER SAID.

- THAT WAS SEXY AS [BLEEP].
- THAT WAS SEXY AS [BLEEP].

- IT'S MY GRANDFATHER'S RIFLE.
- IT'S MY GRANDFATHER'S RIFLE.

- LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
- LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

- THERE'S NO WAY I'M PAYING FOR THE FULL HOUR.
- THERE'S NO WAY I'M PAYING FOR THE FULL HOUR.

LOOKS LIKE I'LL BE TAKING SANTA MONICA BOULEVARD HOME TONIGHT.
LOOKS LIKE I'LL BE TAKING SANTA MONICA BOULEVARD HOME TONIGHT.

I KID. ALL RIGHT.
I KID. ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S OUR SHOW. THANKS TO OUR PANELISTS.
THAT'S OUR SHOW. THANKS TO OUR PANELISTS.

ALSO, COME SEE ME LIVE.
ALSO, COME SEE ME LIVE.

I WILL BE PERFORMING AT THE PECHANGA CASINO,
I WILL BE PERFORMING AT THE PECHANGA CASINO,

THE MOHEGAN SUN CASINO,
THE MOHEGAN SUN CASINO,

AND THE MORONGO CASINO.
AND THE MORONGO CASINO.

BASICALLY ANY CASINO
BASICALLY ANY CASINO

WITH A DREAM-CATCHER IN THE LOGO.
WITH A DREAM-CATCHER IN THE LOGO.

GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.

YET ANOTHER COMEDY BRIDGE BURNED.
YET ANOTHER COMEDY BRIDGE BURNED.

THANKS, ANDY.
THANKS, ANDY.