(upbeat instrumental music)
(upbeat instrumental music)

- Nothing like men in their seventies, right?
- Nothing like men in their seventies, right?

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

My dad's at that really cool place in his life
My dad's at that really cool place in his life

where he says things that are true
where he says things that are true

that provide relief to no one.
that provide relief to no one.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

Like this week, I call him up and I'm like, what's up?
Like this week, I call him up and I'm like, what's up?

He goes, you know gays don't bother me.
He goes, you know gays don't bother me.

And I was like,
And I was like,

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

that's good.
that's good.

He goes, they're just living their life.
He goes, they're just living their life.

Why would I get upset?
Why would I get upset?

And I'm like, I don't know.
And I'm like, I don't know.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

And then it's just quiet on the phone.
And then it's just quiet on the phone.

I'm like, are we done talking right now?
I'm like, are we done talking right now?

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

He's like, no, I'm just thinking.
He's like, no, I'm just thinking.

Oh, it's fun to listen to.
Oh, it's fun to listen to.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

As you breathe into the.
As you breathe into the.

(heavy breathing)
(heavy breathing)

And he goes, your mother and I are going on a cruise
And he goes, your mother and I are going on a cruise

and I go, okay, have fun.
and I go, okay, have fun.

And I ask him, I go, which cruise line?
And I ask him, I go, which cruise line?

And he goes Carnival.
And he goes Carnival.

And I'm like, wait, isn't that like the party cruise?
And I'm like, wait, isn't that like the party cruise?

And my dad's response,
And my dad's response,

I swear on my children,
I swear on my children,

was buddy, there's no other way to say it.
was buddy, there's no other way to say it.

I love watching black people have fun.
I love watching black people have fun.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

What?
What?

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

I mean, we all do, but to say it out loud.
I mean, we all do, but to say it out loud.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

It's fucking crazy.
It's fucking crazy.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

Can you picture my dad on the aft deck
Can you picture my dad on the aft deck

of a Carnival Cruise just like.
of a Carnival Cruise just like.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

Those blacks are having fun.
Those blacks are having fun.

Let's get some food.
Let's get some food.

This is fun.
This is fun.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

(audience clapping)
(audience clapping)

I've spread so many fucking rumors.
I've spread so many fucking rumors.

My favorite part about rumors, nobody verifies shit.
My favorite part about rumors, nobody verifies shit.

Somebody says something once
Somebody says something once

and you're like, cool, I'll roll with that forever.
and you're like, cool, I'll roll with that forever.

Thanks man.
Thanks man.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

They're like, are you gonna fact check that?
They're like, are you gonna fact check that?

And you're like, why, you said it out loud.
And you're like, why, you said it out loud.

I don't have to check any of that, like
I don't have to check any of that, like

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

it's now a fact, so whatever.
it's now a fact, so whatever.

It's really, it's a seed, right?
It's really, it's a seed, right?

It's a seed.
It's a seed.

You ever be a part of one that just grows?
You ever be a part of one that just grows?

I remember years ago I'm watching a movie with my dad.
I remember years ago I'm watching a movie with my dad.

In the middle of the movie,
In the middle of the movie,

the actor, Tommy Lee Jones, appears on screen.
the actor, Tommy Lee Jones, appears on screen.

Great actor, Oscar winner.
Great actor, Oscar winner.

Unprompted, my dad turns to me and he goes,
Unprompted, my dad turns to me and he goes,

do you know he was gay?
do you know he was gay?

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

I was like, no.
I was like, no.

Yeah.
Yeah.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

Now it doesn't matter and I don't care.
Now it doesn't matter and I don't care.

But I decided I would tell
But I decided I would tell

everyone I ever met for the rest of my life
everyone I ever met for the rest of my life

that Tommy Lee Jones is gay.
that Tommy Lee Jones is gay.

I told a lot of people.
I told a lot of people.

Like from The Fugitive through No Country for Old Men,
Like from The Fugitive through No Country for Old Men,

I told everybody.
I told everybody.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

Until one day I told somebody and he goes, no he isn't.
Until one day I told somebody and he goes, no he isn't.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

And I was like, yeah he is.
And I was like, yeah he is.

And he goes, how do you know that?
And he goes, how do you know that?

And I said, my dad told me.
And I said, my dad told me.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

He goes, what, did your dad fuck him or something?
He goes, what, did your dad fuck him or something?

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

And I was like, I don't think so.
And I was like, I don't think so.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

Then he goes, I've known him 40 years.
Then he goes, I've known him 40 years.

I know his wife and kids.
I know his wife and kids.

I knew him when he was single.
I knew him when he was single.

He is not gay.
He is not gay.

And I go, what is happening right now?
And I go, what is happening right now?

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

And I called my dad immediately.
And I called my dad immediately.

And I was like, dad.
And I was like, dad.

I just got confirmation that Tommy Lee Jones isn't gay.
I just got confirmation that Tommy Lee Jones isn't gay.

And my dad goes, oh, I thought he was.
And my dad goes, oh, I thought he was.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

Is that the end of your investigation?
Is that the end of your investigation?

Are you fucking serious?
Are you fucking serious?

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

Why did you tell me that?
Why did you tell me that?

And he goes, I don't know.
And he goes, I don't know.

I said, did somebody tell you?
I said, did somebody tell you?

He goes, I can't remember.
He goes, I can't remember.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

I said, have you been telling everybody
I said, have you been telling everybody

for 15 years that Tommy Lee Jones is gay?
for 15 years that Tommy Lee Jones is gay?

And he goes, yep.
And he goes, yep.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

I go, don't you think we should stop?
I go, don't you think we should stop?

He goes, now we should.
He goes, now we should.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

It's better than my dad's actual small talk,
It's better than my dad's actual small talk,

which is awkwardly racial small talk.
which is awkwardly racial small talk.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

It's not racist, but it involves race.
It's not racist, but it involves race.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

Like we're at a restaurant and you know the server walks up
Like we're at a restaurant and you know the server walks up

and she's Asian.
and she's Asian.

My dad'll be like, you Chinese?
My dad'll be like, you Chinese?

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

And she's like, no, I'm Korean.
And she's like, no, I'm Korean.

Oh, I was in Vietnam.
Oh, I was in Vietnam.

And I'm like,
And I'm like,

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

what are you doing?
what are you doing?

What, I was?
What, I was?

I know.
I know.

What does that have to do with anything?
What does that have to do with anything?

And then he goes, a lot fewer of them when I left,
And then he goes, a lot fewer of them when I left,

if you know what I mean, buddy?
if you know what I mean, buddy?

And I'm like, ah no.
And I'm like, ah no.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

(whistles)
(whistles)

Well, yeah no, just two Diet Cokes.
Well, yeah no, just two Diet Cokes.

We're gonna wrap it up pretty quick, so.
We're gonna wrap it up pretty quick, so.

Dude, if he meets a black guy,
Dude, if he meets a black guy,

shut it the fuck down, okay?
shut it the fuck down, okay?

'Cause it's gonna get weird.
'Cause it's gonna get weird.

Like, dude, I see it.
Like, dude, I see it.

A black guy starts talking to us and my dad'll be like.
A black guy starts talking to us and my dad'll be like.

(groans)
(groans)

I can see it in his eyes, like a clock's ticking down.
I can see it in his eyes, like a clock's ticking down.

And I'm like, how weird are you about to be with him?
And I'm like, how weird are you about to be with him?

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

He looks like a dog when you show a dog a treat
He looks like a dog when you show a dog a treat

and you're like sit still.
and you're like sit still.

And the dogs like.
And the dogs like.

(groans)
(groans)

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

I work with a black guy.
I work with a black guy.

Oh.
Oh.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

Oh.
Oh.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

Oh man.
Oh man.

Yeah, Carl, you know him?
Yeah, Carl, you know him?

(mumbles)
(mumbles)

I thought you guys knew each other.
I thought you guys knew each other.

I don't know.
I don't know.

Well, I don't know him.
Well, I don't know him.

He works in the building.
He works in the building.

You know what I mean.
You know what I mean.

You're like fuck.
You're like fuck.

Jesus.
Jesus.

Speaking of dads, I'm gonna be a dad.
Speaking of dads, I'm gonna be a dad.

Isn't that crazy?
Isn't that crazy?

(audience cheering)
(audience cheering)

I know, well.
I know, well.

You know, not my fucking problem.
You know, not my fucking problem.

You know what I mean?
You know what I mean?

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

That's your kid, so.
That's your kid, so.

I'm gonna stick around.
I'm gonna stick around.

I wanna see what it looks like and stuff, but
I wanna see what it looks like and stuff, but

just for a second.
just for a second.

But, so crazy man.
But, so crazy man.

All I did was I didn't pull out and then
All I did was I didn't pull out and then

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

now I'm gonna be a dad.
now I'm gonna be a dad.

So nuts.
So nuts.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

Isn't that crazy?
Isn't that crazy?

Like as a man, all you do is you dump inside of a girl
Like as a man, all you do is you dump inside of a girl

and then there's life.
and then there's life.

That's a pretty crude way of putting that, I'm sorry, but
That's a pretty crude way of putting that, I'm sorry, but

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

that's what happens.
that's what happens.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

Let's just talk about how good that feels.
Let's just talk about how good that feels.

I,
I,

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

dude, I've been pulling out for years
dude, I've been pulling out for years

and no, no orgasm.
and no, no orgasm.

You don't like have an
You don't like have an

and you're like, ah, that sucks.
and you're like, ah, that sucks.

Like it's still,
Like it's still,

it feels great.
it feels great.

But when you leave it in,
But when you leave it in,

dude.
dude.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

Here's all I'm saying.
Here's all I'm saying.

If you're a pullout guy, next time, don't.
If you're a pullout guy, next time, don't.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

Even if she tells you to and be like, I forgot.
Even if she tells you to and be like, I forgot.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

And she'll whine about it.
And she'll whine about it.

(groans)
(groans)

What if I am pregnant?
What if I am pregnant?

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

My career.
My career.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

And you'll be like, oh yeah, is law school on hold?
And you'll be like, oh yeah, is law school on hold?

All right.
All right.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

Pretty sure you can cut hair with a gut.
Pretty sure you can cut hair with a gut.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)

Guys, I'm joking, I'm joking.
Guys, I'm joking, I'm joking.

(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)