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Have you found a difference between men and
Have you found a difference between men and

women in how they exercise forgiveness?
women in how they exercise forgiveness?

>> I think that we like to do things on gender lines.
>> I think that we like to do things on gender lines.

And in my experience,
And in my experience,

it's much more personality styles than gender.
it's much more personality styles than gender.

I think that, yeah, we have different styles and
I think that, yeah, we have different styles and

I think we have different expectations.
I think we have different expectations.

And so sometimes people have expectations that they will
And so sometimes people have expectations that they will

allow one gender, it's not men or women, one gender's
allow one gender, it's not men or women, one gender's

allowed to do something, another gender's not allowed to
allowed to do something, another gender's not allowed to

do something, or they're just forgiven more easily.
do something, or they're just forgiven more easily.

Well, I understand that because you were working, you were this,
Well, I understand that because you were working, you were this,

you were that, but I think it's much more about that.
you were that, but I think it's much more about that.

If you say, in general and so
If you say, in general and so

emotional conflicts are the ones that really generate feelings.
emotional conflicts are the ones that really generate feelings.

That includes someone's spouse.
That includes someone's spouse.

There's a lot of emotion there,
There's a lot of emotion there,

there's usually a lot of conflict,
there's usually a lot of conflict,

there's a lot of togetherness.
there's a lot of togetherness.

What happens is that in general,
What happens is that in general,

we get socialized in different ways.
we get socialized in different ways.

And a conflict I hear all the time in couple's therapy is,
And a conflict I hear all the time in couple's therapy is,

I want him to talk more about feelings.
I want him to talk more about feelings.

I want him to be able to anticipate what I need.
I want him to be able to anticipate what I need.

And someone else is saying,
And someone else is saying,

I think I've shown you that I care, and
I think I've shown you that I care, and

I've done these things to help you.
I've done these things to help you.

And I don't know why I have to talk about it, and
And I don't know why I have to talk about it, and

I can't read your mind.
I can't read your mind.

You know, that's an over-generalization, but
You know, that's an over-generalization, but

it's an awfully common pattern.
it's an awfully common pattern.

And so, there's some gender things like that.
And so, there's some gender things like that.

But I think with conflict, it's much more about who the two
But I think with conflict, it's much more about who the two

people are and what they've brought to it.
people are and what they've brought to it.

>> Do some of us more easily forgive than others?
>> Do some of us more easily forgive than others?

>> Oh, absolutely.
>> Oh, absolutely.

And that goes a long with your style.
And that goes a long with your style.

So there are these unstable introverts that are tremendous
So there are these unstable introverts that are tremendous

grudge holders.
grudge holders.

That's what comes natural.
That's what comes natural.

And the natural reaction of someone who has that personality
And the natural reaction of someone who has that personality

style is to hold a grudge.
style is to hold a grudge.

The natural reaction of someone who's extroverted is to forgive
The natural reaction of someone who's extroverted is to forgive

perhaps more easily, but then be quickly onto something else.
perhaps more easily, but then be quickly onto something else.

I mean, so that balance of can you maintain,
I mean, so that balance of can you maintain,

do you maintain emotions?
do you maintain emotions?

So they are the challenge,
So they are the challenge,

if you're in a relationship with someone like that,
if you're in a relationship with someone like that,

is to be frustrated that they're onto the next thing,
is to be frustrated that they're onto the next thing,

onto the next thing, onto the next thing.
onto the next thing, onto the next thing.

>> Are many of us hybrids of introverts and extroverts?
>> Are many of us hybrids of introverts and extroverts?

>> Almost everyone is what we call an ambivert,
>> Almost everyone is what we call an ambivert,

meaning, that they're a little this, they're a little that.
meaning, that they're a little this, they're a little that.

It's really when you're at the extremes,
It's really when you're at the extremes,

either extremely introverted or
either extremely introverted or

extremely extroverted, that you get into trouble.
extremely extroverted, that you get into trouble.

So my emotion shifts so quickly that you can't keep up with me
So my emotion shifts so quickly that you can't keep up with me

is problematic in the same way that I can't let go of anything
is problematic in the same way that I can't let go of anything

negative and I hold on to it forever, that's problematic too.
negative and I hold on to it forever, that's problematic too.

So most of us happily are in the middle and
So most of us happily are in the middle and

it's really the situation.
it's really the situation.

So we really get hung up about the things where it feels like
So we really get hung up about the things where it feels like

more of a betrayal, either because of what was done or
more of a betrayal, either because of what was done or

who did it, or that it's the fifth time they've done it.
who did it, or that it's the fifth time they've done it.

Like we've been through this, and
Like we've been through this, and

I can't believe you've done it again.
I can't believe you've done it again.

Didn't you understand the first four times,
Didn't you understand the first four times,

how upsetting that was?
how upsetting that was?

>> How do we go through the process of forgiveness
>> How do we go through the process of forgiveness

after someone has died?
after someone has died?

>> Well then, I think you still have the same process,
>> Well then, I think you still have the same process,

because the process can go on where you essentially say,
because the process can go on where you essentially say,

this is what happened.
this is what happened.

I've come to terms with what happened, and
I've come to terms with what happened, and

I'm gonna let go of the negative emotions.
I'm gonna let go of the negative emotions.

I mean that you don't really need the other person to do.
I mean that you don't really need the other person to do.

Sometimes if you can have a conversation,
Sometimes if you can have a conversation,

an understanding of their motivations, it facilitates it,
an understanding of their motivations, it facilitates it,

but you don't really need the other person for that.
but you don't really need the other person for that.

And that's actually what happens when someone's had something
And that's actually what happens when someone's had something

horrible happen, say, childhood abuse.
horrible happen, say, childhood abuse.

Something that's really in many ways unforgivable.
Something that's really in many ways unforgivable.

They're working to say, I'm now coming to appreciate
They're working to say, I'm now coming to appreciate

my understanding of this, and what I'm gonna work on is not
my understanding of this, and what I'm gonna work on is not

having all these negative emotions surrounding it.
having all these negative emotions surrounding it.

So I think that's what happens.
So I think that's what happens.

And sometimes, there are other things that people have done, or
And sometimes, there are other things that people have done, or

they feel like something less dramatic,
they feel like something less dramatic,

where you could imagine reconciling, but
where you could imagine reconciling, but

you just have to say, well, I wanna think differently.
you just have to say, well, I wanna think differently.

With grief, we have this intense negative
With grief, we have this intense negative

period where we're just sad and lost.
period where we're just sad and lost.

What you hope is to get to the point is that you can
What you hope is to get to the point is that you can

think about the person with kindness and fondness,
think about the person with kindness and fondness,

and think about the times that were better.
and think about the times that were better.

And so I think in that instance,
And so I think in that instance,

your goal would be to say, this happened, I've gotten past it.
your goal would be to say, this happened, I've gotten past it.

So now I'm gonna put my energy when I think of that person I'm
So now I'm gonna put my energy when I think of that person I'm

thinking about some of the really positive experiences we
thinking about some of the really positive experiences we

had together or the things we enjoyed together.
had together or the things we enjoyed together.

No one has all these strong emotions for
No one has all these strong emotions for

people they barely know.
people they barely know.

They're for the people that are important to them, so
They're for the people that are important to them, so

there's plenty of other things to be included in memories
there's plenty of other things to be included in memories

if you're able to achieve forgiveness.
if you're able to achieve forgiveness.

>> Why is it important to practice forgiveness?
>> Why is it important to practice forgiveness?

>> Certainly, the healthiest thing is to forgive.
>> Certainly, the healthiest thing is to forgive.

I mean, there are all these studies now that
I mean, there are all these studies now that

are demonstrating that.
are demonstrating that.

That you're gonna have lower blood pressure, and
That you're gonna have lower blood pressure, and

better blood flow, and all of these different things.
better blood flow, and all of these different things.

So it's healthier to forgive.
So it's healthier to forgive.

I think that it would be better if people could view forgiveness
I think that it would be better if people could view forgiveness

as something they're doing for themselves.
as something they're doing for themselves.

Again, it's not absolution.
Again, it's not absolution.

I think they get hung up on saying, if I forgive you somehow
I think they get hung up on saying, if I forgive you somehow

I've forgotten or you're not in trouble, or something else.
I've forgotten or you're not in trouble, or something else.

Forgiveness is something different, which is saying,
Forgiveness is something different, which is saying,

I am not going to have these negative emotions consume me.
I am not going to have these negative emotions consume me.

That's how I view it.
That's how I view it.

And so forgiveness isn't really about as much of the other
And so forgiveness isn't really about as much of the other

person as it is your own process of saying I'm moving forward.
person as it is your own process of saying I'm moving forward.