(dramatic music)
(dramatic music)

- It's 8:00 AM.
- It's 8:00 AM.

Smack in the middle of the breakfast rush
Smack in the middle of the breakfast rush

I'm juggling three booths, an eight-top round,
I'm juggling three booths, an eight-top round,

four twos, and three four tops.
four twos, and three four tops.

Table two is low on water, booth six needs a new fork,
Table two is low on water, booth six needs a new fork,

five needs coffee for the 67th time,
five needs coffee for the 67th time,

four actually finished their food yesterday,
four actually finished their food yesterday,

now they're just chatting,
now they're just chatting,

and seven's been waiting too long.
and seven's been waiting too long.

We're out of syrup so I have to run down to dry storage
We're out of syrup so I have to run down to dry storage

when the front door opens.
when the front door opens.

And he stalks in, his jaw clenched so tight,
And he stalks in, his jaw clenched so tight,

you can hear his teeth cracking from the pressure.
you can hear his teeth cracking from the pressure.

He picks my last open six top booth by himself.
He picks my last open six top booth by himself.

And I'd like to offer to pull up a couple of spare tables
And I'd like to offer to pull up a couple of spare tables

so he can really spread out.
so he can really spread out.

But as he bellows, "Can I get some service over here?"
But as he bellows, "Can I get some service over here?"

I gather sarcastic comments might not fly
I gather sarcastic comments might not fly

with this audience so I secretly nickname him Cranky
with this audience so I secretly nickname him Cranky

'cause, well, if the shoe fits.
'cause, well, if the shoe fits.

Now, two starts waving their half empty water glasses
Now, two starts waving their half empty water glasses

and sevens food's up.
and sevens food's up.

So I load my arms with plates
So I load my arms with plates

I swear the cooks baked in the kiln moments before.
I swear the cooks baked in the kiln moments before.

Drop off food, they want Tabasco, bring Tabasco.
Drop off food, they want Tabasco, bring Tabasco.

They want OJ, bring OJ.
They want OJ, bring OJ.

They want extra napkins, bring napkins.
They want extra napkins, bring napkins.

They want another side of bacon.
They want another side of bacon.

Consider offering table four pillows and blankets
Consider offering table four pillows and blankets

to make their stay here more comfortable.
to make their stay here more comfortable.

Coffee table five for the 68th time.
Coffee table five for the 68th time.

And as I'm expecting to see one of their arteries
And as I'm expecting to see one of their arteries

actually burst through their skin,
actually burst through their skin,

I hear the unmistakable rapid staccato clink
I hear the unmistakable rapid staccato clink

of fork against plate.
of fork against plate.

Cranky, stabbing his breakfast,
Cranky, stabbing his breakfast,

like it's a venomous spider that just won't die.
like it's a venomous spider that just won't die.

There seems to be something viciously wrong with his food.
There seems to be something viciously wrong with his food.

I steel myself for the worst.
I steel myself for the worst.

"Is everything alright, sir?"
"Is everything alright, sir?"

- "Well, these potatoes are like leather.
- "Well, these potatoes are like leather.

The coffee's just awful.
The coffee's just awful.

My toast is burnt and these eggs are hardly poached soft.
My toast is burnt and these eggs are hardly poached soft.

Did you not hear me say soft?"
Did you not hear me say soft?"

- "I'm sorry.
- "I'm sorry.

Did they not cook that quite right?
Did they not cook that quite right?

Did you want me to maybe have your mom come in
Did you want me to maybe have your mom come in

and cut your toast into little bunny shapes?
and cut your toast into little bunny shapes?

Would that help?
Would that help?

Perhaps I could get your father on the phone
Perhaps I could get your father on the phone

to finally tell you he loves you.
to finally tell you he loves you.

Could I get you a raise?
Could I get you a raise?

Would that make it better?
Would that make it better?

Or maybe I should just supplicate myself before you
Or maybe I should just supplicate myself before you

so you can whip me with your menu.
so you can whip me with your menu.

If I got my boss over here to fire me in front of you
If I got my boss over here to fire me in front of you

would you sleep better tonight?
would you sleep better tonight?

Would you like to see me led out in handcuffs?
Would you like to see me led out in handcuffs?

'Cause it's not really about the food here, is it?
'Cause it's not really about the food here, is it?

Let's get to the point.
Let's get to the point.

You just want someone, anyone,
You just want someone, anyone,

to have a shittier day and a shittier life than you.
to have a shittier day and a shittier life than you.

So if I just crumple to the floor in tears,
So if I just crumple to the floor in tears,

can we bypass all this breakfast bullshit
can we bypass all this breakfast bullshit

so I can get that table their fricking water?
so I can get that table their fricking water?

Dear God, look at them.
Dear God, look at them.

Their cheeks are caving in from dehydration.
Their cheeks are caving in from dehydration.

You know, if you people hadn't gotten so drunk last night,
You know, if you people hadn't gotten so drunk last night,

you wouldn't be this thirsty.
you wouldn't be this thirsty.

Is this going to affect my tip?
Is this going to affect my tip?

Because I've seen you before,
Because I've seen you before,

you always leave a shiny quarter
you always leave a shiny quarter

and I was really hoping to get that gumball today.
and I was really hoping to get that gumball today.

Now I realize the fact that I'm working here
Now I realize the fact that I'm working here

must mean I can barely spell the word egg.
must mean I can barely spell the word egg.

Spend my off time watching soap operas
Spend my off time watching soap operas

and clipping coupons from the Sunday shopper.
and clipping coupons from the Sunday shopper.

And if aliens came down
And if aliens came down

to take the finest of our species back to their planet
to take the finest of our species back to their planet

to breed a super human race, they'd take you,
to breed a super human race, they'd take you,

but I'm not here to prove my intelligence.
but I'm not here to prove my intelligence.

I'm here to take your order, bring it,
I'm here to take your order, bring it,

and drop off your check.
and drop off your check.

You're here to eat, pay, leave me the quarter and scram.
You're here to eat, pay, leave me the quarter and scram.

And at the end of the day,
And at the end of the day,

I'm doing a poetry show that unfortunately doesn't quite yet
I'm doing a poetry show that unfortunately doesn't quite yet

cut my financial mustard.
cut my financial mustard.

So, let's cut through the crap and finish this transaction,
So, let's cut through the crap and finish this transaction,

cause I got orders to take."
cause I got orders to take."

(bell dings)
(bell dings)

(dramatic music)
(dramatic music)