TED CRUZ AND HIS MASTURBATORY PRACTICES
TED CRUZ AND HIS MASTURBATORY PRACTICES

HAVE MADE FOR NEWS TODAY BUT WITH
HAVE MADE FOR NEWS TODAY BUT WITH

GOOD CAUSE.
GOOD CAUSE.

WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT HIM JACKING OFF FOR ANY
WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT HIM JACKING OFF FOR ANY

REASON, NO, WE ARE TALKING ABOUT THIS IN CONNECTION WITH HIS
REASON, NO, WE ARE TALKING ABOUT THIS IN CONNECTION WITH HIS

CRUSADE EARLY IN HIS CAREER TO DEFEND A BAN IN TEXAS ON THE
CRUSADE EARLY IN HIS CAREER TO DEFEND A BAN IN TEXAS ON THE

SALE OF DILDOS AND OTHER
SALE OF DILDOS AND OTHER

SELF-LOVE ACCESSORIES.
SELF-LOVE ACCESSORIES.

WE WANT TO GIVE YOU THE BACKGROUND ON
WE WANT TO GIVE YOU THE BACKGROUND ON

THAT CASE BECAUSE IT LEADS INTO WHY WE ARE TALKING ABOUT HIM
THAT CASE BECAUSE IT LEADS INTO WHY WE ARE TALKING ABOUT HIM

WHACKING OFF TODAY.
WHACKING OFF TODAY.

ONE, I WOULD SAY, FUCK YOU, IF I WANT TO OWN
ONE, I WOULD SAY, FUCK YOU, IF I WANT TO OWN

A DILDO I WILL OWN ONE.
A DILDO I WILL OWN ONE.

I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE HIV, IF I WANT TO
I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE HIV, IF I WANT TO

HAVE A DILDO I AM GOING TO WANT
HAVE A DILDO I AM GOING TO WANT

ONE.
ONE.

WHAT RIGHT IS IT OF YOURS TO SAY I CAN'T HAVE ONE?
WHAT RIGHT IS IT OF YOURS TO SAY I CAN'T HAVE ONE?

>> JOHN, YOU ARE FREE TO OWN A DILDO.
>> JOHN, YOU ARE FREE TO OWN A DILDO.

YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF IT.
YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF IT.

>>THIS IS ALL HYPOTHETICAL.
>>THIS IS ALL HYPOTHETICAL.

>> IF YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE ONE, I SUPPORT YOU.
>> IF YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE ONE, I SUPPORT YOU.

>> IF YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP, YOU CAN STIMULATE YOUR GENITALS
>> IF YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP, YOU CAN STIMULATE YOUR GENITALS

ALL YOU WANT.
ALL YOU WANT.

BUT NOT WHEN YOU ARE ALONE, WHICH IS WHEN YOU
BUT NOT WHEN YOU ARE ALONE, WHICH IS WHEN YOU

NEED THEM THE MOST IN MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.
NEED THEM THE MOST IN MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.

THEY GO ON
THEY GO ON

AND GIVE A BUNCH OF OTHER GREAT
AND GIVE A BUNCH OF OTHER GREAT

REASONS WHY IT IS NOT IN THE GOVERNMENT'S INTEREST TO
REASONS WHY IT IS NOT IN THE GOVERNMENT'S INTEREST TO

STOP DILDOS FROM BEING SOLD.
STOP DILDOS FROM BEING SOLD.

>> IS IT TED CRUZ'S INTEREST TO BAN ALL DILDOS WHEN HE IS IN
>> IS IT TED CRUZ'S INTEREST TO BAN ALL DILDOS WHEN HE IS IN

FACT A
FACT A

DILDO HIMSELF?
DILDO HIMSELF?

WHAT KIND OF STRANGE LEGISLATION WITH A DILDO
WHAT KIND OF STRANGE LEGISLATION WITH A DILDO

DOES HE SUPPORT?
DOES HE SUPPORT?

I FEEL LIKE TED CRUZ, FOR SOMEONE WHO CONSIDERS
I FEEL LIKE TED CRUZ, FOR SOMEONE WHO CONSIDERS

THEMSELVES MORAL, SPENT A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT DILDOS.
THEMSELVES MORAL, SPENT A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT DILDOS.

>>HE IS THE LATEST WHO WANTS TO CONTROL EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR
>>HE IS THE LATEST WHO WANTS TO CONTROL EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR

SEXUALITY, ESPECIALLY THE SEXUALITY THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE
SEXUALITY, ESPECIALLY THE SEXUALITY THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE

HAVING INTERCOURSE.
HAVING INTERCOURSE.

SANTORUM WANTS TO OUTLAW PORN.
SANTORUM WANTS TO OUTLAW PORN.

HE DOESN'T
HE DOESN'T

THINK YOU SHOULD HAVE ACCESS TO RABBITS, OR DILDOS.
THINK YOU SHOULD HAVE ACCESS TO RABBITS, OR DILDOS.

>>BUTT PLUGS.
>>BUTT PLUGS.

ANAL BEADS.
ANAL BEADS.

WHAT ABOUT LUBRICANT?
WHAT ABOUT LUBRICANT?

>> WHAT ABOUT CONDOMS, OR FLAVORED CONDOMS?
>> WHAT ABOUT CONDOMS, OR FLAVORED CONDOMS?

>> NO SEX SWINGS.
>> NO SEX SWINGS.

>> SO, WHY IN THE END ARE WE TALKING ABOUT TED CRUZ'
>> SO, WHY IN THE END ARE WE TALKING ABOUT TED CRUZ'

PRACTICES?
PRACTICES?

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIS PRIVATE LIFE,
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIS PRIVATE LIFE,

THANKFULLY.
THANKFULLY.

BUT I WOKE UP TO THIS FROM SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T
BUT I WOKE UP TO THIS FROM SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T

KNOW.
KNOW.

>>DAMN.
>>DAMN.

HE LIKES TO STIMULATE HIS GENITALS.
HE LIKES TO STIMULATE HIS GENITALS.

>>OH, SHIT.
>>OH, SHIT.

HE WENT TO SAY THAT TED CRUZ USES HIS PILLOW FOR
HE WENT TO SAY THAT TED CRUZ USES HIS PILLOW FOR

MASTURBATORY REASONS.
MASTURBATORY REASONS.

AND THERE
AND THERE

IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.
IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

WE'RE GOING TO MAKE FUN OF HIM,
WE'RE GOING TO MAKE FUN OF HIM,

BECAUSE TED CRUZ IS A BAD GUY.
BECAUSE TED CRUZ IS A BAD GUY.

BUT THERE IS ACTUALLY
BUT THERE IS ACTUALLY

NOTHING WRONG ABOUT HUMPING YOUR
NOTHING WRONG ABOUT HUMPING YOUR

PILLOW NIGHT AFTER NIGHT THE WAY TED CRUZ DID THROUGHOUT HIS
PILLOW NIGHT AFTER NIGHT THE WAY TED CRUZ DID THROUGHOUT HIS

UNDERGRAD CAREER.
UNDERGRAD CAREER.

THIS IS THE EYEWITNESS TESTIMONY OF HIS
THIS IS THE EYEWITNESS TESTIMONY OF HIS

COLLEGE ROOMMATE.
COLLEGE ROOMMATE.

TO BE FAIR, FROM WHAT I LEARNED FROM THE
TO BE FAIR, FROM WHAT I LEARNED FROM THE

NEWSROOM YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO
NEWSROOM YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO

HAVE TWO SOURCES.
HAVE TWO SOURCES.

PRESUMABLY THE SECOND SOURCE WOULD BE THE
PRESUMABLY THE SECOND SOURCE WOULD BE THE

PILLOW, BUT IT TURNS OUT THERE
PILLOW, BUT IT TURNS OUT THERE

WAS NOT MUCH LEFT OF IT.
WAS NOT MUCH LEFT OF IT.

AGAIN, HE IS A BAD GUY SO WE GET TO MAKE FUN OF HIM.
AGAIN, HE IS A BAD GUY SO WE GET TO MAKE FUN OF HIM.

>> IT IS JUST SO INCREDIBLE HOW MUCH CONSERVATIVES ARE OBSESSING
>> IT IS JUST SO INCREDIBLE HOW MUCH CONSERVATIVES ARE OBSESSING

OVER OUR SEXUAL HABITS, ESPECIALLY HABITS THAT DON'T
OVER OUR SEXUAL HABITS, ESPECIALLY HABITS THAT DON'T

HARM ANYONE AND ACTUALLY DO LEAD TO GOOD THINGS.
HARM ANYONE AND ACTUALLY DO LEAD TO GOOD THINGS.

MASTURBATION IS
MASTURBATION IS

NOT ONLY A NATURAL THING, IT LEADS TO A LOT OF STRESS RELIEF,
NOT ONLY A NATURAL THING, IT LEADS TO A LOT OF STRESS RELIEF,

IT HELPS PEOPLE SLEEP.
IT HELPS PEOPLE SLEEP.

THERE IS A LOT OF RESEARCH ON THIS.
THERE IS A LOT OF RESEARCH ON THIS.

I
I

KNOW I AM TRYING TO REASON WITH
KNOW I AM TRYING TO REASON WITH

LUNATICS, BUT HOW DO THEY TALK ABOUT THEIR MORALITY AND
LUNATICS, BUT HOW DO THEY TALK ABOUT THEIR MORALITY AND

HOW GREAT THEY ARE WHEN THEY ARE SIMULTANEOUSLY OBSESSING OVER
HOW GREAT THEY ARE WHEN THEY ARE SIMULTANEOUSLY OBSESSING OVER

THE SEXUAL HABITS OF OTHER
THE SEXUAL HABITS OF OTHER

PEOPLE.
PEOPLE.

I DON'T THINK ABOUT THE SEXUAL HABITS OF OTHERS, UNLESS
I DON'T THINK ABOUT THE SEXUAL HABITS OF OTHERS, UNLESS

I WANT TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL HABITS WITH THEM.
I WANT TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL HABITS WITH THEM.

OTHERWISE I
OTHERWISE I

DON'T CARE.
DON'T CARE.

YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE?
YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE?

GO-AHEAD.
GO-AHEAD.

YOU
YOU

WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH A PERSON THAT IS THE SAME SEX AS YOU, BY
WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH A PERSON THAT IS THE SAME SEX AS YOU, BY

ALL MEANS HAVE A GREAT TIME.
ALL MEANS HAVE A GREAT TIME.

IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

AS LONG AS
AS LONG AS

NO ONE IS BEING HARMED IN THE PROCESS, OUR LEGISLATORS SHOULD
NO ONE IS BEING HARMED IN THE PROCESS, OUR LEGISLATORS SHOULD

NOT BE SPENDING ANY TIME DEBATING WHETHER OR NOT
NOT BE SPENDING ANY TIME DEBATING WHETHER OR NOT

THEY SHOULD OUTLAW THESE THINGS.
THEY SHOULD OUTLAW THESE THINGS.

IT IS INSANE.
IT IS INSANE.

>> THE REASON WHY HE BRINGS IT UP IS BECAUSE HE IS A
>> THE REASON WHY HE BRINGS IT UP IS BECAUSE HE IS A

PRESIDENTIAL CONTENDER.
PRESIDENTIAL CONTENDER.

BUT
BUT

ALSO, IN A TOWNHOME HE SAID THAT I DON'T THINK THAT AS A
ALSO, IN A TOWNHOME HE SAID THAT I DON'T THINK THAT AS A

CHRISTIAN YOU SHOULD WEAR YOUR
CHRISTIAN YOU SHOULD WEAR YOUR

RELIGION ON YOUR SLEEVE WHEN YOU ARE RUNNING.
RELIGION ON YOUR SLEEVE WHEN YOU ARE RUNNING.

BUT YOU ARE TRYING
BUT YOU ARE TRYING

TO ENFORCE LAWS THAT ARE BASED
TO ENFORCE LAWS THAT ARE BASED

OFF NOTHING OTHER THAN A PARTICULAR EXTREME THING THAT
OFF NOTHING OTHER THAN A PARTICULAR EXTREME THING THAT

YOU THINK IS IN THE BIBLE THAT
YOU THINK IS IN THE BIBLE THAT

IS NOT REALLY IN THERE.
IS NOT REALLY IN THERE.

WHEN THEIR POLITICAL PHILOSOPHY IS
WHEN THEIR POLITICAL PHILOSOPHY IS

SUPPOSEDLY FOUNDED ON -THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD NOT GET
SUPPOSEDLY FOUNDED ON -THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD NOT GET

INVOLVED WITH YOUR PRIVATE LIFE.
INVOLVED WITH YOUR PRIVATE LIFE.

WE OCCASIONALLY USE THE EXAMPLE
WE OCCASIONALLY USE THE EXAMPLE

OF REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS.
OF REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS.

I UNDERSTAND, SOME PEOPLE DON'T
I UNDERSTAND, SOME PEOPLE DON'T

FIND THAT CONVINCING BECAUSE THEY THINK MORALY THE BABY
FIND THAT CONVINCING BECAUSE THEY THINK MORALY THE BABY

REPRESENTS ANOTHER PERSON.
REPRESENTS ANOTHER PERSON.

I GET IT.
I GET IT.

IN THIS CASE, FROM THE
IN THIS CASE, FROM THE

INITIAL DESIGN OF A NEW BUTT
INITIAL DESIGN OF A NEW BUTT

PLUG, TO ITS MANUFACTURE, TO ITS DISTRIBUTION IN SALE, TO
PLUG, TO ITS MANUFACTURE, TO ITS DISTRIBUTION IN SALE, TO

TRANSPORTING IT HOME, AND TO SHOVING IT INSIDE OF YOURSELF,
TRANSPORTING IT HOME, AND TO SHOVING IT INSIDE OF YOURSELF,

AT
AT

WHAT POINT DOES THE GOVERNMENT HAVE ANY NEED TO BE INVOLVED IN
WHAT POINT DOES THE GOVERNMENT HAVE ANY NEED TO BE INVOLVED IN

THAT PROCESS?
THAT PROCESS?

IF THEY ARE INVOLVED IN THE CONNECTION BETWEEN YOU AND
IF THEY ARE INVOLVED IN THE CONNECTION BETWEEN YOU AND

YOUR
YOUR

SEX TOY, THERE
SEX TOY, THERE

IS
IS

NOTHING
NOTHING

THE GOVERNMENT CANNOT GET
THE GOVERNMENT CANNOT GET

INVOLVED IN.
INVOLVED IN.

>> I'M CURIOUS ABOUT THEM SPECIFICALLY GOING AFTER SEX
>> I'M CURIOUS ABOUT THEM SPECIFICALLY GOING AFTER SEX

TOYS THAT ARE USED BY WOMEN,
TOYS THAT ARE USED BY WOMEN,

DILDOS,
DILDOS,

ñ IT SEEMS AS THOUGH THESE LAWS ARE GEARED TOWARDS WOMEN.
ñ IT SEEMS AS THOUGH THESE LAWS ARE GEARED TOWARDS WOMEN.

>>OR GAY MEN.
>>OR GAY MEN.

>> SO, WAS THERE ANY LANGUAGE IN THE LEGISLATION PERTAINING TO
>> SO, WAS THERE ANY LANGUAGE IN THE LEGISLATION PERTAINING TO

MEN?
MEN?

WAS THERE A BAN ON COCK RINGS FOR INSTANCE?
WAS THERE A BAN ON COCK RINGS FOR INSTANCE?

>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE THEY REALLY CARED SO MUCH ABOUT MALE
>> IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE THEY REALLY CARED SO MUCH ABOUT MALE

MASTURBATION.
MASTURBATION.

HOW COULD HE IF HE WAS MASTURBATING HIMSELF WITH
HOW COULD HE IF HE WAS MASTURBATING HIMSELF WITH

OTHER PEOPLE IN THE ROOM?
OTHER PEOPLE IN THE ROOM?

>> THAT IS JUST RUDE.
>> THAT IS JUST RUDE.

>>EXTREMELY, AND DISGUSTING.
>>EXTREMELY, AND DISGUSTING.

I HEAR GUYS DO THAT THOUGH.
I HEAR GUYS DO THAT THOUGH.

>>YOU MEAN YOU HEAR TELL?
>>YOU MEAN YOU HEAR TELL?

I HAVE NOT HEARD THAT SAME THING, BUT I
I HAVE NOT HEARD THAT SAME THING, BUT I

GUESS I WENT TO A STRAIGHT EDGE
GUESS I WENT TO A STRAIGHT EDGE

COLLEGE.
COLLEGE.

>> THE MALE CIRCLE JERK HAPPENS DURING THE FIRST HOUR OF THE
>> THE MALE CIRCLE JERK HAPPENS DURING THE FIRST HOUR OF THE

POWER PANEL ON FRIDAYS, BUT ANYWAY.
POWER PANEL ON FRIDAYS, BUT ANYWAY.

I AM SERIOUSLY JOKING,
I AM SERIOUSLY JOKING,

SORT OF.
SORT OF.

I DO WANT TO BRING UP, THE WAY THAT THIS MAKES THESE
I DO WANT TO BRING UP, THE WAY THAT THIS MAKES THESE

LEGISLATORS SEEM OR LOOK IS THAT THEY FEEL AS THOUGH SEX TOYS ARE
LEGISLATORS SEEM OR LOOK IS THAT THEY FEEL AS THOUGH SEX TOYS ARE

COMPETITION, AND THEY ARE AFRAID BY IT, AND THEY WANT IT
COMPETITION, AND THEY ARE AFRAID BY IT, AND THEY WANT IT

OUTLAWED.
OUTLAWED.

WHY WOULD I ALLOW THESE WOMEN TO HAVE VIBRATORS WHEN THEY WILL
WHY WOULD I ALLOW THESE WOMEN TO HAVE VIBRATORS WHEN THEY WILL

GET OFF BY USING THESE
GET OFF BY USING THESE

VIBRATORS?
VIBRATORS?

>> WE DON'T WANT THEM TO BE ABLE TO JUST ENJOY SEX OR THINK THEY
>> WE DON'T WANT THEM TO BE ABLE TO JUST ENJOY SEX OR THINK THEY

SHOULD ENJOY IT.
SHOULD ENJOY IT.

OBVIOUSLY WE LIKE TALKING ABOUT THIS BECAUSE
OBVIOUSLY WE LIKE TALKING ABOUT THIS BECAUSE

IT IS FUN TO MAKE FUN OF TED CRUZ.
IT IS FUN TO MAKE FUN OF TED CRUZ.

THEY RAN UNDERCOVER
THEY RAN UNDERCOVER

STINGS BECAUSE WOMEN WOULD HAVE THESE GET-TOGETHERS, LIKE A
STINGS BECAUSE WOMEN WOULD HAVE THESE GET-TOGETHERS, LIKE A

TUPPERWARE SALE, CALLED PASSION
TUPPERWARE SALE, CALLED PASSION

PARTIES, THEY WOULD GET TOGETHER AND SELL EACH OTHER THE SEX
PARTIES, THEY WOULD GET TOGETHER AND SELL EACH OTHER THE SEX

TOYS.
TOYS.

THEY WOULD ARREST AND LOCK
THEY WOULD ARREST AND LOCK

PEOPLE UP BASED ON THIS.
PEOPLE UP BASED ON THIS.

MY LAST POINT IS, I LOVE THIS PICTURE IN
MY LAST POINT IS, I LOVE THIS PICTURE IN

THE BACKGROUND.
THE BACKGROUND.

IT IS LIKE, GET OUT.
IT IS LIKE, GET OUT.