-New York City, baby!
-New York City, baby!

[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]

My name is Mike. I'm in my 40s.
My name is Mike. I'm in my 40s.

Some of you might be younger,
Some of you might be younger,

so I'll tell you what it's like to be in your 40s.
so I'll tell you what it's like to be in your 40s.

[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]

Whether I lift weights or get drunk,
Whether I lift weights or get drunk,

my body feels about the same the next day.
my body feels about the same the next day.

I'm just achy and sore,
I'm just achy and sore,

questioning all of my life choices.
questioning all of my life choices.

[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]

My father gave me some very bad advice growing up,
My father gave me some very bad advice growing up,

but it's gonna sound like good advice when I say it.
but it's gonna sound like good advice when I say it.

But now that I'm in my 40s, I know it's bad.
But now that I'm in my 40s, I know it's bad.

This was the advice.
This was the advice.

He said, "Michael, always give 100%."
He said, "Michael, always give 100%."

He said, "You can't go wrong if you always give 100%."
He said, "You can't go wrong if you always give 100%."

That, my friends, is false.
That, my friends, is false.

[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]

If you give 100% at all times,
If you give 100% at all times,

you will end up in a mental institution.
you will end up in a mental institution.

[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]

But you have to try sometimes.
But you have to try sometimes.

So what I do now is, when I walk into a situation,
So what I do now is, when I walk into a situation,

I check my cellphone.
I check my cellphone.

Whatever percentage my battery is at...
Whatever percentage my battery is at...

[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Laughter and applause ]

...that's how much effort I give.
...that's how much effort I give.

[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]

Tonight, they were like, "Mike, this crowd deserves 100%."
Tonight, they were like, "Mike, this crowd deserves 100%."

I said, "37% is what they're gonna get."
I said, "37% is what they're gonna get."

[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Laughter and applause ]

"Unless somebody has a charger."
"Unless somebody has a charger."

[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]

I'm not married.
I'm not married.

There's a lot of lies floating around out there about marriage.
There's a lot of lies floating around out there about marriage.

One is that marriage is 50/50.
One is that marriage is 50/50.

I find that to be not true at all.
I find that to be not true at all.

The marriages that last are never 50/50.
The marriages that last are never 50/50.

The marriages that last are a combination
The marriages that last are a combination

of two types of people.
of two types of people.

One person who is boring...
One person who is boring...

[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]

...with another person who is crazy.
...with another person who is crazy.

[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]

Boring and crazy is the only combination that seems to work.
Boring and crazy is the only combination that seems to work.

I've done the math on this.
I've done the math on this.

Two borings don't work.
Two borings don't work.

They'll cheat on each other. Not enough excitement.
They'll cheat on each other. Not enough excitement.

Two crazies don't work 'cause that's the show "Cops."
Two crazies don't work 'cause that's the show "Cops."

[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]

Have you ever seen the show "Cops"?
Have you ever seen the show "Cops"?

I've been through a lot of breakups.
I've been through a lot of breakups.

And when I break up with a woman, never pleasant.
And when I break up with a woman, never pleasant.

I like to do it at a restaurant.
I like to do it at a restaurant.

[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]

'Cause I feel like it's a public place
'Cause I feel like it's a public place

and she will not cause a scene. [ Laughter ]
and she will not cause a scene. [ Laughter ]

But can I share a secret with you guys?
But can I share a secret with you guys?

The women of today will yell at you right in a restaurant.
The women of today will yell at you right in a restaurant.

[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]

So you know what I do?
So you know what I do?

I take her to a Chinese restaurant.
I take her to a Chinese restaurant.

[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]

That way if she yells at me,
That way if she yells at me,

it just seems like she's working at the restaurant.
it just seems like she's working at the restaurant.

[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Laughter and applause ]

I'm trying to stay in shape.
I'm trying to stay in shape.

I started doing hot yoga last spring.
I started doing hot yoga last spring.

And one of the benefits of doing hot yoga in New York
And one of the benefits of doing hot yoga in New York

is that you get to carry a small mat around the city with you.
is that you get to carry a small mat around the city with you.

And I like that, 'cause my friends are dumb.
And I like that, 'cause my friends are dumb.

They're like, "Are you doing yoga?"
They're like, "Are you doing yoga?"

I'm like, "This? No.
I'm like, "This? No.

I like to engage people
I like to engage people

in tiny wrestling matches all over town."
in tiny wrestling matches all over town."

[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]

That's how I work out now.
That's how I work out now.

I start a confrontation. I roll out the mat.
I start a confrontation. I roll out the mat.

[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]

I wave on the challenge. I'm like, "Bring it, dawg!
I wave on the challenge. I'm like, "Bring it, dawg!

Let's solve it in this 2 by 1 by 2 by 1-inch space
Let's solve it in this 2 by 1 by 2 by 1-inch space

that I carry around with me for aggressive reasons."
that I carry around with me for aggressive reasons."

[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]

I complain about hot yoga being too hot.
I complain about hot yoga being too hot.

I'm one of those guys.
I'm one of those guys.

My friends are like,
My friends are like,

"Mike, why don't you just go to regular yoga?"
"Mike, why don't you just go to regular yoga?"

I'm like, "No, I like hot yoga.
I'm like, "No, I like hot yoga.

I like hot yoga because you're sweating so much,
I like hot yoga because you're sweating so much,

no one can tell that you're crying."
no one can tell that you're crying."

[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]

They're like, "Mike, are you chanting?"
They're like, "Mike, are you chanting?"

I'm like, "I am weeping."
I'm like, "I am weeping."

[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]

I told the instructor it was too hot.
I told the instructor it was too hot.

It's supposed to be 90 minutes, 105 degrees,
It's supposed to be 90 minutes, 105 degrees,

but it feels like 140.
but it feels like 140.

That's what I said.
That's what I said.

She said, "The seasons are changing.
She said, "The seasons are changing.

We kind of have to adjust to the seasons."
We kind of have to adjust to the seasons."

I'm like, "Do you know how buildings work?"
I'm like, "Do you know how buildings work?"

[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]

"You control the weather on the inside of a building.
"You control the weather on the inside of a building.

That's why it's different from the outside of a building.
That's why it's different from the outside of a building.

Otherwise, we would not need buildings.
Otherwise, we would not need buildings.

We would just do everything outside."
We would just do everything outside."

[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]

She's like, "But don't you feel better after it's over?"
She's like, "But don't you feel better after it's over?"

I'm like, "I feel better the way that someone feels better
I'm like, "I feel better the way that someone feels better

after they've survived a car accident."
after they've survived a car accident."

[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]

"I feel better that I'm alive.
"I feel better that I'm alive.

But I don't feel better than if I never would have come here."
But I don't feel better than if I never would have come here."

[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]

She's like, "But you're losing weight.
She's like, "But you're losing weight.

Aren't you happy that you're losing weight?"
Aren't you happy that you're losing weight?"

I'm like, "Am I losing weight?
I'm like, "Am I losing weight?

I don't feel like I'm losing weight.
I don't feel like I'm losing weight.

I feel like I'm evaporating."
I feel like I'm evaporating."

[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]

"Feel like that's happening.
"Feel like that's happening.

I feel like there's a cloud outside
I feel like there's a cloud outside

that looks exactly like me.
that looks exactly like me.

Fat, white, and sad."
Fat, white, and sad."

[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]

You guys are amazing. Thank you so much!
You guys are amazing. Thank you so much!

[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]

-How's it going, dude? -It's good.
-How's it going, dude? -It's good.

-Mike Vecchione!
-Mike Vecchione!

[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]

For more, visit mikevecchione.com.
For more, visit mikevecchione.com.