♪
♪

I'm sitting at the dining room table
I'm sitting at the dining room table

in my girlfriend's parents' home.
in my girlfriend's parents' home.

I'm eating a cookie.
I'm eating a cookie.

My girlfriend, Lisa, is beside me, and she's talking,
My girlfriend, Lisa, is beside me, and she's talking,

but I don't hear a word that she says.
but I don't hear a word that she says.

I'm staring at the front door.
I'm staring at the front door.

I'm waiting.
I'm waiting.

I'm waiting for it to open and for her father to come home.
I'm waiting for it to open and for her father to come home.

I'm a 19-year-old boy waiting to meet my girlfriend's father
I'm a 19-year-old boy waiting to meet my girlfriend's father

for the very first time.
for the very first time.

And I am terrified.
And I am terrified.

And then the door opens, and the man walks in.
And then the door opens, and the man walks in.

And I stand, and we meet in the middle,
And I stand, and we meet in the middle,

and I reach my hand out to shake his.
and I reach my hand out to shake his.

And as his hand wraps over mine,
And as his hand wraps over mine,

I can feel the roughness of his skin,
I can feel the roughness of his skin,

I can feel the calluses,
I can feel the calluses,

I can see the dirt and the grime under his fingernails.
I can see the dirt and the grime under his fingernails.

It's like shaking hands with a Brillo pad.
It's like shaking hands with a Brillo pad.

These are hands that build and repair.
These are hands that build and repair.

This is a man who can fix plumbing.
This is a man who can fix plumbing.

He's a guy who can change his own oil.
He's a guy who can change his own oil.

He's the type of guy who can take a tree down
He's the type of guy who can take a tree down

and then, like, put it back up if necessary.
and then, like, put it back up if necessary.

(laughter)
(laughter)

And as I'm shaking his hand,
And as I'm shaking his hand,

I realize I'm in a lot of trouble.
I realize I'm in a lot of trouble.

Because my hands are nothing like his.
Because my hands are nothing like his.

I have the hands of a boy who plays Ms. Pac-Man
I have the hands of a boy who plays Ms. Pac-Man

at the arcade on Friday nights.
at the arcade on Friday nights.

I have hands that roll 20-sided dice
I have hands that roll 20-sided dice

onto card tables in basements
onto card tables in basements

while playing Dungeons and Dragons.
while playing Dungeons and Dragons.

These are hands that play the flute.
These are hands that play the flute.

These are not hands that build and repair,
These are not hands that build and repair,

these are hands that purchase and replace.
these are hands that purchase and replace.

(laughter)
(laughter)

And as I shake his hand, I know I'm in trouble,
And as I shake his hand, I know I'm in trouble,

because I've been in this situation before.
because I've been in this situation before.

Before I loved Lisa,
Before I loved Lisa,

I loved Laura, my high school sweetheart.
I loved Laura, my high school sweetheart.

Laura's father's name was Butch,
Laura's father's name was Butch,

and he was the dictionary definition of that word.
and he was the dictionary definition of that word.

I met him in his driveway one day,
I met him in his driveway one day,

next to his dump truck, his bucket truck,
next to his dump truck, his bucket truck,

and what I would later learn was a stump grinder.
and what I would later learn was a stump grinder.

Shaking Butch's hand was like putting your hand
Shaking Butch's hand was like putting your hand

into a bag of broken glass.
into a bag of broken glass.

I asked Butch what he did for a living,
I asked Butch what he did for a living,

and he said, "Whatever needs to be done."
and he said, "Whatever needs to be done."

(laughter)
(laughter)

I am not a man who does whatever needs to be done.
I am not a man who does whatever needs to be done.

I hire people to do what needs to be done.
I hire people to do what needs to be done.

And so as I'm shaking Lisa's father's hand now,
And so as I'm shaking Lisa's father's hand now,

I know I'm in trouble.
I know I'm in trouble.

Because the reason Laura and I aren't together anymore
Because the reason Laura and I aren't together anymore

is because even though she loved me,
is because even though she loved me,

she respected her father more
she respected her father more

than any woman I have ever met in my life,
than any woman I have ever met in my life,

and I was never going to match what he was.
and I was never going to match what he was.

And now I am worried that I'm not going to match
And now I am worried that I'm not going to match

what this man is, either.
what this man is, either.

And I'm already starting out behind.
And I'm already starting out behind.

Lisa's father is a car guy,
Lisa's father is a car guy,

and six months ago, I owned a 1976 Chevy Malibu with a 357 V8.
and six months ago, I owned a 1976 Chevy Malibu with a 357 V8.

I don't know what those numbers mean,
I don't know what those numbers mean,

except I know that car guys like those numbers.
except I know that car guys like those numbers.

But I have sold that car,
But I have sold that car,

and I am now driving a powder-blue Toyota Tercel.
and I am now driving a powder-blue Toyota Tercel.

He looks at my car,
He looks at my car,

and I swear he wants to punch me in the face.
and I swear he wants to punch me in the face.

He asks me where I live, and I tell him,
He asks me where I live, and I tell him,

"In Attleborough, with some of my friends,"
"In Attleborough, with some of my friends,"

but I can never take him to my home,
but I can never take him to my home,

because it is the home of boys.
because it is the home of boys.

The walls are plastered with Bart Simpson posters.
The walls are plastered with Bart Simpson posters.

I've got two rabbits that run around my house like cats,
I've got two rabbits that run around my house like cats,

they use the litter box and eat out of bowls.
they use the litter box and eat out of bowls.

We got them because we thought we would get girls,
We got them because we thought we would get girls,

which we actually kind of do, but he can't see this.
which we actually kind of do, but he can't see this.

And we have 20 hamsters that are spread out in cages
And we have 20 hamsters that are spread out in cages

all over the house, with tubes, connecting all over.
all over the house, with tubes, connecting all over.

It's like Steampunk Hamsterville.
It's like Steampunk Hamsterville.

Wherever you're standing, there is a hamster over your head.
Wherever you're standing, there is a hamster over your head.

(laughter)
(laughter)

I cannot bring this man into this world of boys.
I cannot bring this man into this world of boys.

And I am a McDonald's manager.
And I am a McDonald's manager.

And I know it's the hardest job I will ever do in my life,
And I know it's the hardest job I will ever do in my life,

but to him, I know, I am flipping burgers.
but to him, I know, I am flipping burgers.

It is going to be a hard win in this case, but I've got a plan.
It is going to be a hard win in this case, but I've got a plan.

I'm going to win this guy over.
I'm going to win this guy over.

He's Portuguese, so I decide
He's Portuguese, so I decide

I'm going to learn everything about Portugal,
I'm going to learn everything about Portugal,

which in 1991 is a very big deal.
which in 1991 is a very big deal.

Because to learn something in '91,
Because to learn something in '91,

you have to go to a brick building during office hours.
you have to go to a brick building during office hours.

You have to slide open a card, and find that card,
You have to slide open a card, and find that card,

and use it to find a book,
and use it to find a book,

and none of those books have "Control-F."
and none of those books have "Control-F."

You have to read the whole damn book
You have to read the whole damn book

to find the one fact that you are looking for
to find the one fact that you are looking for

to impress your girlfriend's father.
to impress your girlfriend's father.

It is a commitment that I stick to.
It is a commitment that I stick to.

And then my rabbits become a problem,
And then my rabbits become a problem,

because they're chewing through the cords.
because they're chewing through the cords.

They've knocked out our television and one of our lamps.
They've knocked out our television and one of our lamps.

My buddies and I decide we need to get rid of the rabbits.
My buddies and I decide we need to get rid of the rabbits.

And one day, I'm at Lisa's house,
And one day, I'm at Lisa's house,

and I see that her father has a hutch full of rabbits.
and I see that her father has a hutch full of rabbits.

And so I say, "I've got a problem with my rabbits, sir.
And so I say, "I've got a problem with my rabbits, sir.

Would you like my rabbits?"
Would you like my rabbits?"

And he says, "Yes."
And he says, "Yes."

And I swear, as I pass my rabbits over to him,
And I swear, as I pass my rabbits over to him,

it's like we get closer.
it's like we get closer.

Like, we don't become friends, but we become friendly.
Like, we don't become friends, but we become friendly.

And then he invites me to Thanksgiving dinner.
And then he invites me to Thanksgiving dinner.

And this is a big deal for me,
And this is a big deal for me,

because for the past two years, I have not had a Thanksgiving.
because for the past two years, I have not had a Thanksgiving.

My Thanksgivings are the Dallas Cowboys
My Thanksgivings are the Dallas Cowboys

and Domino's and despair.
and Domino's and despair.

And so having an actual, like, Thanksgiving,
And so having an actual, like, Thanksgiving,

with real food and a family, is a big deal for me.
with real food and a family, is a big deal for me.

And so I go to their house, and I sit at that dining room table.
And so I go to their house, and I sit at that dining room table.

I sit right beside him.
I sit right beside him.

It's like having the father I never had.
It's like having the father I never had.

And there is turkey, and there are breads,
And there is turkey, and there are breads,

and there are stuffings, and there are stews.
and there are stuffings, and there are stews.

And I feel like a member of the family-- I have done it.
And I feel like a member of the family-- I have done it.

And then he turns to me, and he says,
And then he turns to me, and he says,

"What do you think of my stew?"
"What do you think of my stew?"

And I say, "I love it."
And I say, "I love it."

And he says, "You should.
And he says, "You should.

It's your rabbit."
It's your rabbit."

(groans and laughter)
(groans and laughter)

And I can't believe it.
And I can't believe it.

I turn to Lisa to see if she's in on this,
I turn to Lisa to see if she's in on this,

and she's just as appalled as I am.
and she's just as appalled as I am.

And so I turn back to this man, and he is smiling.
And so I turn back to this man, and he is smiling.

He thinks it's funny that he has just fed me my pet rabbit.
He thinks it's funny that he has just fed me my pet rabbit.

We stare at each other for what is probably three seconds,
We stare at each other for what is probably three seconds,

but feels like three years.
but feels like three years.

There is silence at the table.
There is silence at the table.

And then I stand up, and for the first time in my life,
And then I stand up, and for the first time in my life,

I speak to a man like a man.
I speak to a man like a man.

I tell him what a terrible thing he has done,
I tell him what a terrible thing he has done,

I swear at him at his dining room table.
I swear at him at his dining room table.

I tell him exactly what is in my heart,
I tell him exactly what is in my heart,

and then I turn, and I leave his house.
and then I turn, and I leave his house.

My hands are just as soft as when I was 19 years old.
My hands are just as soft as when I was 19 years old.

I cannot change oil, I cannot fix a single thing in my house,
I cannot change oil, I cannot fix a single thing in my house,

I cannot assemble a single one of my children's toys.
I cannot assemble a single one of my children's toys.

But that was the moment a 19-year-old boy stood up
But that was the moment a 19-year-old boy stood up

and became a 19-year-old man,
and became a 19-year-old man,

and for the first time in his life,
and for the first time in his life,

he told another man exactly how he felt.
he told another man exactly how he felt.

Thank you.
Thank you.

(applause)
(applause)