Hello I m Darren Magee and the topic for today s  video continues on from last time where I outlined  
Hello I m Darren Magee and the topic for today s  video continues on from last time where I outlined  

the DARVO method, a technique that is often used  by narcissistic people to avoid accountability,  
the DARVO method, a technique that is often used  by narcissistic people to avoid accountability,  

to attack and to blame their victims. You might  want to check that out if you're unfamiliar with  
to attack and to blame their victims. You might  want to check that out if you're unfamiliar with  

the term and how it often plays out. But at  the end of the video I asked if people would  
the term and how it often plays out. But at  the end of the video I asked if people would  

be interested in learning some ideas to help  manage themselves whenever people employ that  
be interested in learning some ideas to help  manage themselves whenever people employ that  

method seem to get a lot of positive response.  So that's what I'm going to outline today. If  
method seem to get a lot of positive response.  So that's what I'm going to outline today. If  

you stick to the end of the video, I'll give you  a real life example of a workplace narcissist who  
you stick to the end of the video, I'll give you  a real life example of a workplace narcissist who  

used the DARVO method once too often. So if you  find this video interesting or helpful, please  
used the DARVO method once too often. So if you  find this video interesting or helpful, please  

consider subscribing to my channel. Just to remind  you though, this videos for information purposes  
consider subscribing to my channel. Just to remind  you though, this videos for information purposes  

only and is not a substitute for support from a  mental health professional. So just to remind you,  
only and is not a substitute for support from a  mental health professional. So just to remind you,  

DARVO is an acronym and it stands for deny, attack  and reverse victim offender. It's a very effective  
DARVO is an acronym and it stands for deny, attack  and reverse victim offender. It's a very effective  

tactic for a narcissist as it can confuse the Hell  out of their victims and can shame, sometimes even  
tactic for a narcissist as it can confuse the Hell  out of their victims and can shame, sometimes even  

frighten them into silence. So the following are  just some ideas that you might find helpful. And  
frighten them into silence. So the following are  just some ideas that you might find helpful. And  

as I've said in previous videos, particularly  around managing boundaries, whatever you do,  
as I've said in previous videos, particularly  around managing boundaries, whatever you do,  

it begins with being very careful and making  sure you're safe. Because sometimes you could  
it begins with being very careful and making  sure you're safe. Because sometimes you could  

just be dealing with the kind of person who wets  the bed and blames the blanket. Other times, you  
just be dealing with the kind of person who wets  the bed and blames the blanket. Other times, you  

could be dealing with someone who is vindictive,  callous and sadistic. And sometimes there is no  
could be dealing with someone who is vindictive,  callous and sadistic. And sometimes there is no  

way of telling how a narcissistic person will  react to being challenged. So you always make  
way of telling how a narcissistic person will  react to being challenged. So you always make  

sure you're safe. This is not about trying to  antagonise anyone. Secondly, and I think this is  
sure you're safe. This is not about trying to  antagonise anyone. Secondly, and I think this is  

an important point, this isn't about winning. If  you re thinking about trying to win you probably  
an important point, this isn't about winning. If  you re thinking about trying to win you probably  

won't. You won't in the sense that a narcissistic  person is not going to accept any evidence you may  
won't. You won't in the sense that a narcissistic  person is not going to accept any evidence you may  

have. They can be very elusive when it comes to  accepting responsibility. The reality of their  
have. They can be very elusive when it comes to  accepting responsibility. The reality of their  

behaviour is just maybe too shameful for them.  Their defence mechanisms kick in so they will  
behaviour is just maybe too shameful for them.  Their defence mechanisms kick in so they will  

reject whatever you say whatever you have against  them outright and go on the attack. So it's not  
reject whatever you say whatever you have against  them outright and go on the attack. So it's not  

about winning. It's about showing that DARVO  doesn't work on you anymore. And I'm not going  
about winning. It's about showing that DARVO  doesn't work on you anymore. And I'm not going  

to claim that any of this is easy, because it  isn't. It hurts to be lied to, to be manipulated,  
to claim that any of this is easy, because it  isn't. It hurts to be lied to, to be manipulated,  

devalued, invalidated, even threatened.  So somethings that might make it easier  
devalued, invalidated, even threatened.  So somethings that might make it easier  

is to not expect them to change, not to accept  that they were wrong or to acknowledge their  
is to not expect them to change, not to accept  that they were wrong or to acknowledge their  

behaviour. If they were to that might cause  a narcissistic collapse, hence the defence  
behaviour. If they were to that might cause  a narcissistic collapse, hence the defence  

mechanisms. Also try to find safety and support  from people who care about you. People who will  
mechanisms. Also try to find safety and support  from people who care about you. People who will  

listen to you, advise you, validate you and  encourage you. Now this could be in therapy.  
listen to you, advise you, validate you and  encourage you. Now this could be in therapy.  

It could be from friends, family, support groups,  even online forums. Utilise whatever support you  
It could be from friends, family, support groups,  even online forums. Utilise whatever support you  

can get. And you also be kind and compassionate  towards yourself. There is no shame in having  
can get. And you also be kind and compassionate  towards yourself. There is no shame in having  

been on the wrong end of a narcissist, there is no  shame in being lied to or lied about. So when it  
been on the wrong end of a narcissist, there is no  shame in being lied to or lied about. So when it  

comes to dealing with the DARVO method, probably  your greatest asset is knowledge. In other words,  
comes to dealing with the DARVO method, probably  your greatest asset is knowledge. In other words,  

you know the strategy. DARVO. They will deny  it. They will attack you, they will attack the  
you know the strategy. DARVO. They will deny  it. They will attack you, they will attack the  

evidence. They will claim that you are bullying  them. They are being victimised. You know the  
evidence. They will claim that you are bullying  them. They are being victimised. You know the  

pattern which prepares you for what's to come.  And when they are employing this tactic, they will  
pattern which prepares you for what's to come.  And when they are employing this tactic, they will  

try to make it about you, about your character,  about your personality. Try to remember it isn't  
try to make it about you, about your character,  about your personality. Try to remember it isn't  

because they will do this with anyone, so try not  to personalise it. And you keep that knowledge in  
because they will do this with anyone, so try not  to personalise it. And you keep that knowledge in  

mind. There's less chance they are going to blind  side you. There's last chance they will suck you  
mind. There's less chance they are going to blind  side you. There's last chance they will suck you  

into a word salad, circular reasoning argument  that there's no way you can win. And remember,  
into a word salad, circular reasoning argument  that there's no way you can win. And remember,  

you can pick your battles. You do not have  to engage at all. You leave them as they are,  
you can pick your battles. You do not have  to engage at all. You leave them as they are,  

they are what they are. But if you do have  to engage, for example, you have to point  
they are what they are. But if you do have  to engage, for example, you have to point  

out their behaviour. Then you state your case.  You be brief, factual, to the point. You don't  
out their behaviour. Then you state your case.  You be brief, factual, to the point. You don't  

necessarily give an explanation. Because remember  a common tactic with narcissism is to pretend they  
necessarily give an explanation. Because remember  a common tactic with narcissism is to pretend they  

don't know what you're talking about. The more  you explain yourself they re behaving as if this  
don't know what you're talking about. The more  you explain yourself they re behaving as if this  

is news to them. The more information you give,  the more you explain, the less they understand,  
is news to them. The more information you give,  the more you explain, the less they understand,  

and that could drive anyone insane. And it also  gives them more ammunition, more things to pick  
and that could drive anyone insane. And it also  gives them more ammunition, more things to pick  

holes in, more things to attack you. If you have  to repeat anything, just say the same thing again  
holes in, more things to attack you. If you have  to repeat anything, just say the same thing again  

using your best customer care tone of voice. Don't  try to reword it in the hope they will understand.  
using your best customer care tone of voice. Don't  try to reword it in the hope they will understand.  

If they're using DARVO they probably already do  understand. If you re word it they might claim  
If they're using DARVO they probably already do  understand. If you re word it they might claim  

that you're changing your story, your lying, or  you're confusing them even further. So don't fall  
that you're changing your story, your lying, or  you're confusing them even further. So don't fall  

for it. And expect the denial. Of course they're  going to deny it. The D in DARVO stands for deny.  
for it. And expect the denial. Of course they're  going to deny it. The D in DARVO stands for deny.  

If know you think about it, they could be covered  in chocolate, it's all over their face. You ask,  
If know you think about it, they could be covered  in chocolate, it's all over their face. You ask,  

Did you eat the chocolate? they will say, No. It  doesn't matter how ridiculous they look or sound.  
Did you eat the chocolate? they will say, No. It  doesn't matter how ridiculous they look or sound.  

But once they deny it, you know what's going  to come next, and that's the attack. You expect  
But once they deny it, you know what's going  to come next, and that's the attack. You expect  

them to attack your character, your memory,  your motives, your mental health. They will  
them to attack your character, your memory,  your motives, your mental health. They will  

pull anything out of the bag they can. They will  play on your insecurities, your doubts, your past  
pull anything out of the bag they can. They will  play on your insecurities, your doubts, your past  

errors, mistakes, even your regrets. Remember the  attacks are aimed at shutting you down. Now if you  
errors, mistakes, even your regrets. Remember the  attacks are aimed at shutting you down. Now if you  

said what you need to say, you don't necessarily  have to go any further. You can disengage from  
said what you need to say, you don't necessarily  have to go any further. You can disengage from  

there. But if you do have to continue, then it's  the same thing. You re brief, you re factual to  
there. But if you do have to continue, then it's  the same thing. You re brief, you re factual to  

and to the point using your customer care tone of  voice. Try to stay focused on the issue at hand  
and to the point using your customer care tone of  voice. Try to stay focused on the issue at hand  

regardless of what they come back with. This can  be difficult, especially if others are present,  
regardless of what they come back with. This can  be difficult, especially if others are present,  

but try not to defend yourself against their  allegations. Don't try to get into it a debate,  
but try not to defend yourself against their  allegations. Don't try to get into it a debate,  

they will probably accuse you of gaslighting. Try  not to get into an argument, especially one with  
they will probably accuse you of gaslighting. Try  not to get into an argument, especially one with  

raised voices, they will use that as evidence of  you being abusive. Keep bringing it back to the  
raised voices, they will use that as evidence of  you being abusive. Keep bringing it back to the  

actual issue. Next is the role reversal from them  being the aggressor to them being the victim. Now  
actual issue. Next is the role reversal from them  being the aggressor to them being the victim. Now  

if you have maybe set boundary, for instance,  you tell them the only communication has to be  
if you have maybe set boundary, for instance,  you tell them the only communication has to be  

in written form or maybe with a neutral third  party present. Then you stick to it. Now to  
in written form or maybe with a neutral third  party present. Then you stick to it. Now to  

them this will make you unreasonable, it will  make you unfair, it will make you controlling.  
them this will make you unreasonable, it will  make you unfair, it will make you controlling.  

Remember DARVO relies heavily on emotive language.  It relies on emotive behaviour in order to shame,  
Remember DARVO relies heavily on emotive language.  It relies on emotive behaviour in order to shame,  

guilt trip, sometimes even threaten. Let me put  it to you this way, pointing out their actions,  
guilt trip, sometimes even threaten. Let me put  it to you this way, pointing out their actions,  

the impact of their actions, setting a boundary,  to them is the most cruel, selfish, unkind,  
the impact of their actions, setting a boundary,  to them is the most cruel, selfish, unkind,  

evil thing anyone could ever do to a fellow human  being. If they honestly think that that's being  
evil thing anyone could ever do to a fellow human  being. If they honestly think that that's being  

unreasonable, then just be unreasonable. Again, as  hard as it is stand your ground and hold onto your  
unreasonable, then just be unreasonable. Again, as  hard as it is stand your ground and hold onto your  

integrity. Disengage if you have to. Remember it's  not about winning, it's just about showing them  
integrity. Disengage if you have to. Remember it's  not about winning, it's just about showing them  

that DARVO doesn't work. You've made your point.  You set your boundary whether they accept it or  
that DARVO doesn't work. You've made your point.  You set your boundary whether they accept it or  

not. Now another thing that DARVO relies on is  the victims fear of other people's opinions. And  
not. Now another thing that DARVO relies on is  the victims fear of other people's opinions. And  

this can be a very painful thing to deal with. I  often think that's why narcissistic people often  
this can be a very painful thing to deal with. I  often think that's why narcissistic people often  

threaten their victims they're going to tell other  people about them. But the things they threatened  
threaten their victims they're going to tell other  people about them. But the things they threatened  

to tell are often false allegations. But they  threaten to contact their victims friends,  
to tell are often false allegations. But they  threaten to contact their victims friends,  

family, workplaces, they threaten to put  things out there on social media. They're  
family, workplaces, they threaten to put  things out there on social media. They're  

relying on the victims fear of a loss of  status, not being believed, being rejected,  
relying on the victims fear of a loss of  status, not being believed, being rejected,  

and the fear of being isolated even further. Which  is why I said at the beginning, make sure you have  
and the fear of being isolated even further. Which  is why I said at the beginning, make sure you have  

a good support network around you. If you were  in a long term relationship or an environment,  
a good support network around you. If you were  in a long term relationship or an environment,  

we were psychologically and emotionally abused  for a long period of time you might recognise the  
we were psychologically and emotionally abused  for a long period of time you might recognise the  

abuser often used others to triangulate and to mob  you, to further their narrative, to carry out the  
abuser often used others to triangulate and to mob  you, to further their narrative, to carry out the  

abuse on their behalf. These people are commonly  referred to as flying monkeys. Again, this might  
abuse on their behalf. These people are commonly  referred to as flying monkeys. Again, this might  

be difficult, but it might be prudent to minimise  the contact with their supporters as much as  
be difficult, but it might be prudent to minimise  the contact with their supporters as much as  

possible. Now that might have to mean coming off  social media, or maybe blocking some people on  
possible. Now that might have to mean coming off  social media, or maybe blocking some people on  

social media so that you don't have to look at  their comments. Again, yes it can hurt like Hell  
social media so that you don't have to look at  their comments. Again, yes it can hurt like Hell  

when your character is being assassinated, but  sometimes keeping that distance is the best thing  
when your character is being assassinated, but  sometimes keeping that distance is the best thing  

to do to help with your recovery. What you're  doing is you're minimising the effect of the blame  
to do to help with your recovery. What you're  doing is you're minimising the effect of the blame  

shifting, you're not wasting energy in defending  yourself against lies. You're putting that energy  
shifting, you're not wasting energy in defending  yourself against lies. You're putting that energy  

into where it needs to be, into your recovery,  into managing your boundaries. And lastly,  
into where it needs to be, into your recovery,  into managing your boundaries. And lastly,  

a lot of people find it helpful to keep a record  of what has happened or what has been happening.  
a lot of people find it helpful to keep a record  of what has happened or what has been happening.  

Now you might never do anything with those  records, you re certainly under no obligation  
Now you might never do anything with those  records, you re certainly under no obligation  

to show them to anyone, but they can help keep you  sane. That could be keeping a diary. It could be  
to show them to anyone, but they can help keep you  sane. That could be keeping a diary. It could be  

keeping screenshots of messages, keeping texts,  emails, anything. Because when things are denied,  
keeping screenshots of messages, keeping texts,  emails, anything. Because when things are denied,  

whenever you're being blamed, whenever the  evidence of your own eyes and ears is being called  
whenever you're being blamed, whenever the  evidence of your own eyes and ears is being called  

into doubt you have a record of things that help  keep you grounded and keep things in perspective.  
into doubt you have a record of things that help  keep you grounded and keep things in perspective.  

So lastly to summarise, the best way to deal with  the DARVO method is to first of all know what it  
So lastly to summarise, the best way to deal with  the DARVO method is to first of all know what it  

is, how it works, what it relies on, and how to  counter it appropriately. You stay safe, you don't  
is, how it works, what it relies on, and how to  counter it appropriately. You stay safe, you don't  

antagonise. You utilise every bit of support that  you can muster. He accept they are what they are,  
antagonise. You utilise every bit of support that  you can muster. He accept they are what they are,  

you accept they will deny it. You don't engage  with the attacks and you avoid the role reversal.  
you accept they will deny it. You don't engage  with the attacks and you avoid the role reversal.  

You stand your ground, you keep your integrity,  maintain your character and try to minimise the  
You stand your ground, you keep your integrity,  maintain your character and try to minimise the  

impact of other people s opinions of you. And as  I say it can be easier when you don t have to go  
impact of other people s opinions of you. And as  I say it can be easier when you don t have to go  

through it alone. So what it happens next? Well  I ve made videos on what happens when narcissists  
through it alone. So what it happens next? Well  I ve made videos on what happens when narcissists  

lose control over you, what happens when you  ignore a narcissist and the kind of things that  
lose control over you, what happens when you  ignore a narcissist and the kind of things that  

can cause a narcissistic collapse if you want to  check those out. But if there is anything that  
can cause a narcissistic collapse if you want to  check those out. But if there is anything that  

you have found helpful to help manage yourself  when people use the DARVO method, if you feel  
you have found helpful to help manage yourself  when people use the DARVO method, if you feel  

comfortable enough please feel free to share  it in the comment box below. Someone reading  
comfortable enough please feel free to share  it in the comment box below. Someone reading  

that may benefit from your wisdom and your  experience. If you found this video interesting  
that may benefit from your wisdom and your  experience. If you found this video interesting  

please consider subscribing to my channel  and until next time, thanks for watching.  
please consider subscribing to my channel  and until next time, thanks for watching.  

A friend of mine has recently shared this with  me and she's okay with me sharing it with you.  
A friend of mine has recently shared this with  me and she's okay with me sharing it with you.  

I'm not suggesting this is what you do, okay? But  I just like to give you an example of how some  
I'm not suggesting this is what you do, okay? But  I just like to give you an example of how some  

people managed DARVO in the workplace. Now, she  said a few years ago she worked in this place and  
people managed DARVO in the workplace. Now, she  said a few years ago she worked in this place and  

there was a manager there. He was a real nasty  piece of work. He was vindictive, spiteful. He  
there was a manager there. He was a real nasty  piece of work. He was vindictive, spiteful. He  

was very critical, used a lot of bad language  and bullying tactics. And anytime anyone tried  
was very critical, used a lot of bad language  and bullying tactics. And anytime anyone tried  

to assert themselves he would come down on them  like a tonne of bricks and more often than not  
to assert themselves he would come down on them  like a tonne of bricks and more often than not  

they were disciplined. Sometimes there was even a  disciplinary taken out against one or two of them.  
they were disciplined. Sometimes there was even a  disciplinary taken out against one or two of them.  

But what she learnt to do is whenever they were  in meetings, anytime he said anything that she  
But what she learnt to do is whenever they were  in meetings, anytime he said anything that she  

didn't like the sound of, you know, he would be  insulting, he would be judgemental, critical, he  
didn't like the sound of, you know, he would be  insulting, he would be judgemental, critical, he  

would be lying through his teeth. Anytime he did  anything like that, she lifted her notebook out  
would be lying through his teeth. Anytime he did  anything like that, she lifted her notebook out  

and write it down right in front and wouldn't even  hide it, let him see that she was writing it down.  
and write it down right in front and wouldn't even  hide it, let him see that she was writing it down.  

Anytime he gave her instructions she told him to  put it into an e-mail, which he very rarely did.  
Anytime he gave her instructions she told him to  put it into an e-mail, which he very rarely did.  

But the times he wouldn't put it in an e-mail,  she would send him an e-mail confirming that he  
But the times he wouldn't put it in an e-mail,  she would send him an e-mail confirming that he  

had instructed her to do this. After a period  of time other people in that team started to  
had instructed her to do this. After a period  of time other people in that team started to  

do the same thing and the guy was running out  of wriggle room. One day, she said in a meeting  
do the same thing and the guy was running out  of wriggle room. One day, she said in a meeting  

he went into a complete and utter narcissistic  rage, accused everyone of working against him,  
he went into a complete and utter narcissistic  rage, accused everyone of working against him,  

everyone plotting against and everyone  bullying him and he threatened to take  
everyone plotting against and everyone  bullying him and he threatened to take  

disciplinary action on every single one of them.  Which they suggested perhaps he should. And they  
disciplinary action on every single one of them.  Which they suggested perhaps he should. And they  

presented about six months worth of emails and  notes and minuted meetings showing his behaviour  
presented about six months worth of emails and  notes and minuted meetings showing his behaviour  

over that long period of time, and he was the  one who was disciplined. But that took courage,  
over that long period of time, and he was the  one who was disciplined. But that took courage,  

it took patience and it took them to support each  other. It feels good when the good guys win.
it took patience and it took them to support each  other. It feels good when the good guys win.