Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck and I teach all  over the world about self government,  
Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck and I teach all  over the world about self government,  

which is a principle of good communication  that helps develop good, united families.  
which is a principle of good communication  that helps develop good, united families.  

And in this video, I'm going to be talking  about how to change bad parenting habits.
And in this video, I'm going to be talking  about how to change bad parenting habits.

We all develop bad habits from time to time.  In this video, I'm going to be talking about  
We all develop bad habits from time to time.  In this video, I'm going to be talking about  

how we develop bad parenting habits and what we  can do to make a positive change. So what bad  
how we develop bad parenting habits and what we  can do to make a positive change. So what bad  

parenting habit do you have? Now I want you  to think. Be honest with yourself. In fact,  
parenting habit do you have? Now I want you  to think. Be honest with yourself. In fact,  

if you can't be honest with yourself about your  own bad parenting habit, then that might be a  
if you can't be honest with yourself about your  own bad parenting habit, then that might be a  

bad parenting habit that you have. In order to  change a habit and to learn self government,  
bad parenting habit that you have. In order to  change a habit and to learn self government,  

you do have to be honest with yourself, examining  yourself, analyzing yourself deciding this is what  
you do have to be honest with yourself, examining  yourself, analyzing yourself deciding this is what  

I see but I don't like it, I want to change it  for this, that's actually what the process of self  
I see but I don't like it, I want to change it  for this, that's actually what the process of self  

government actually looks like. So when a person  understands self government, they understand the  
government actually looks like. So when a person  understands self government, they understand the  

cause and effect of any given situation, and then  possess a knowledge of their own behavior so that  
cause and effect of any given situation, and then  possess a knowledge of their own behavior so that  

they can control them and they aren't afraid of  making changes and acknowledging that they might  
they can control them and they aren't afraid of  making changes and acknowledging that they might  

be doing something in a way that is not that  effective. So what do you do that is your bad  
be doing something in a way that is not that  effective. So what do you do that is your bad  

parenting habit? Do you yell do you hit? Do you  think bad things about the children? Do you think  
parenting habit? Do you yell do you hit? Do you  think bad things about the children? Do you think  

that things about yourself, do you beat yourself  up because you know, that hurts your children,  
that things about yourself, do you beat yourself  up because you know, that hurts your children,  

right? If you start beating yourself up,  that actually is damaging to the whole  
right? If you start beating yourself up,  that actually is damaging to the whole  

family environment because you're hurting your  role as parents on the inside, which makes you  
family environment because you're hurting your  role as parents on the inside, which makes you  

less confident and less believable in the eyes of  your children. In fact, we never want to be doing  
less confident and less believable in the eyes of  your children. In fact, we never want to be doing  

anything that's emotionally manipulative, because  if we do, that actually pulls everybody in the  
anything that's emotionally manipulative, because  if we do, that actually pulls everybody in the  

family apart, instead of together. So if we want  to create an environment where our family can be  
family apart, instead of together. So if we want  to create an environment where our family can be  

united, we need to make sure that we are always  taking responsibility over our own feelings,  
united, we need to make sure that we are always  taking responsibility over our own feelings,  

thoughts and emotions, and examining what we can  do to most improve those things and make sure that  
thoughts and emotions, and examining what we can  do to most improve those things and make sure that  

we're clearly understood by the people around  us. That's what a person does, who's trying to  
we're clearly understood by the people around  us. That's what a person does, who's trying to  

form good relationships in a self governed way.  So how do we form bad parenting habits, you know,  
form good relationships in a self governed way.  So how do we form bad parenting habits, you know,  

there are multiple different things that can come  into play, sometimes we get really busy and so  
there are multiple different things that can come  into play, sometimes we get really busy and so  

we just stop doing certain things. Each one of  us was parented in a certain way and whether we  
we just stop doing certain things. Each one of  us was parented in a certain way and whether we  

like it or not, that was our grooming. Sometimes  when we get stressed, we revert back to some of  
like it or not, that was our grooming. Sometimes  when we get stressed, we revert back to some of  

those old connections in our brain. Maybe it's  arguing or power struggling and we'll do that  
those old connections in our brain. Maybe it's  arguing or power struggling and we'll do that  

with our spouses or our children, even though we  never wanted to do that and it's just because  
with our spouses or our children, even though we  never wanted to do that and it's just because  

those connections are still there in the brain.  Now, the only way to get rid of those connections  
those connections are still there in the brain.  Now, the only way to get rid of those connections  

is to form another connection that is stronger,  that can be our go to, maybe the connection of  
is to form another connection that is stronger,  that can be our go to, maybe the connection of  

calmness. Now, at the end of this video, I'm going  to be giving you a free gift that will help you if  
calmness. Now, at the end of this video, I'm going  to be giving you a free gift that will help you if  

you want to create a habit of calmness, so stick  with me to the end. So what we do is we fall into  
you want to create a habit of calmness, so stick  with me to the end. So what we do is we fall into  

these old traps and when we get into the old  traps, it ends up sometimes creating even more  
these old traps and when we get into the old  traps, it ends up sometimes creating even more  

problems. So we didn't want to be there in the  first place, now we're trying to dig ourselves  
problems. So we didn't want to be there in the  first place, now we're trying to dig ourselves  

out, we start doing other things that creates even  more bad habits. Oftentimes, these traps happen,  
out, we start doing other things that creates even  more bad habits. Oftentimes, these traps happen,  

because we're selfish, we start thinking about  ourselves and how we feel too much and we forget  
because we're selfish, we start thinking about  ourselves and how we feel too much and we forget  

about our stewardship over our children or the  duty that we have to teach them and to serve them.  
about our stewardship over our children or the  duty that we have to teach them and to serve them.  

Sometimes we forget who we even are. I tell that  to parents, sometimes I say, You know what, lots  
Sometimes we forget who we even are. I tell that  to parents, sometimes I say, You know what, lots  

of times we start dealing with our stuff in front  of other people and we think so much about our  
of times we start dealing with our stuff in front  of other people and we think so much about our  

stuff, or emotional stuff, or our mental stuff, or  the physical stuff of all the things that we have  
stuff, or emotional stuff, or our mental stuff, or  the physical stuff of all the things that we have  

to do that we end up forgetting who we even are to  the other people around us. We forget our roles,  
to do that we end up forgetting who we even are to  the other people around us. We forget our roles,  

which are so very important to them. If we don't  maintain our identity for ourselves, how are they  
which are so very important to them. If we don't  maintain our identity for ourselves, how are they  

going to respect our identity and our roles? Well,  they won't. They'll struggle. I actually have a  
going to respect our identity and our roles? Well,  they won't. They'll struggle. I actually have a  

whole book that is all about roles. And it's a  story, it's a fun one to read, and to learn from  
whole book that is all about roles. And it's a  story, it's a fun one to read, and to learn from  

because you get to learn to the story of this  family. But you see how they're not respecting  
because you get to learn to the story of this  family. But you see how they're not respecting  

each other's roles and they're all worried about  their own stuff and basically every single person  
each other's roles and they're all worried about  their own stuff and basically every single person  

in this family is living like they're on their own  island. They don't come together in unity because  
in this family is living like they're on their own  island. They don't come together in unity because  

everything is about themselves. If we are going  to help our children to handle their problems or  
everything is about themselves. If we are going  to help our children to handle their problems or  

our spouses to handle their problems, if we are  going to be a support person, then we have to not  
our spouses to handle their problems, if we are  going to be a support person, then we have to not  

forget who we are to them, what our role is to them  and we've got to stop hyper focusing on our stuff,  
forget who we are to them, what our role is to them  and we've got to stop hyper focusing on our stuff,  

or the things that bug us or concern us. I'm  gonna give you some skills for how to change  
or the things that bug us or concern us. I'm  gonna give you some skills for how to change  

your bad parenting habits. But first, click the  subscribe button now. There are so many great  
your bad parenting habits. But first, click the  subscribe button now. There are so many great  

videos on this channel that are dedicated  to helping you and your family learn the  
videos on this channel that are dedicated  to helping you and your family learn the  

skills and principles of self government so that you can have the systems and the  
skills and principles of self government so that you can have the systems and the  

principles in place for mastering yourselves and  being able to be more united. Click subscribe now.  
principles in place for mastering yourselves and  being able to be more united. Click subscribe now.  

So let's talk about how to change these bad habits  that might be plaguing you in your parenting. Now,  
So let's talk about how to change these bad habits  that might be plaguing you in your parenting. Now,  

number one, the most important thing that you've  got to try to identify in order to change the  
number one, the most important thing that you've  got to try to identify in order to change the  

habits are the thoughts behind the habits.  So there are certain thoughts that you have,  
habits are the thoughts behind the habits.  So there are certain thoughts that you have,  

every time something happens. Maybe a child talks  back to you, and you think, Oh, I can't believe  
every time something happens. Maybe a child talks  back to you, and you think, Oh, I can't believe  

you would do that, or how disrespectful, that type  of a thought is going to lead you down the wrong  
you would do that, or how disrespectful, that type  of a thought is going to lead you down the wrong  

behavior path, you will end up doing that habit  of reacting that you don't want to do. So if you  
behavior path, you will end up doing that habit  of reacting that you don't want to do. So if you  

don't want to react to the child, then you've  got to make sure that your thought pattern is  
don't want to react to the child, then you've  got to make sure that your thought pattern is  

not reactive. So you have to tell yourself,  wait a minute, something just happened? What  
not reactive. So you have to tell yourself,  wait a minute, something just happened? What  

thought do I choose to have? Oh, the child  wants me to understand something about them,  
thought do I choose to have? Oh, the child  wants me to understand something about them,  

but they're not going about it the right way? What  skill can I teach them that they might need for  
but they're not going about it the right way? What  skill can I teach them that they might need for  

this? Now one of our self government skills that  would be ideal in that type of circumstance is the  
this? Now one of our self government skills that  would be ideal in that type of circumstance is the  

skill disagreeing appropriately. So I'm going to  teach my child disagreeing appropriately and in  
skill disagreeing appropriately. So I'm going to  teach my child disagreeing appropriately and in  

those moments, I will remind my child that that  is the skill that they need to use. And I will  
those moments, I will remind my child that that  is the skill that they need to use. And I will  

probably do it with the correction skill, it is  important to learn how to do effective corrections  
probably do it with the correction skill, it is  important to learn how to do effective corrections  

to your children or with your children so that  your children can learn instead of just feel like  
to your children or with your children so that  your children can learn instead of just feel like  

something happened to them. Your children's should  feel closer to you during and after a correction  
something happened to them. Your children's should  feel closer to you during and after a correction  

than they even did before. This is possible if you  actually have a moment of time in the correction
than they even did before. This is possible if you  actually have a moment of time in the correction

where you're able to bond and where you're  focusing on the learning and the growing  
where you're able to bond and where you're  focusing on the learning and the growing  

and the teaching, instead of just some emotional  reaction to what happened. This doesn't mean that  
and the teaching, instead of just some emotional  reaction to what happened. This doesn't mean that  

a person can't no emotions exist, obviously  they do but some emotions are productive,  
a person can't no emotions exist, obviously  they do but some emotions are productive,  

and some are non productive. So if you  keep displaying non productive emotions,  
and some are non productive. So if you  keep displaying non productive emotions,  

and you want to stop, well change the thought  habit that's behind that and then give yourself  
and you want to stop, well change the thought  habit that's behind that and then give yourself  

a system that you can use to replace what you've  been doing before. So a big part of changing habit  
a system that you can use to replace what you've  been doing before. So a big part of changing habit  

is changing the thought behind the habit. You need  to have a system, a thought system and an action  
is changing the thought behind the habit. You need  to have a system, a thought system and an action  

system in order to create a new habit and both  of those systems help you hopefully live who you  
system in order to create a new habit and both  of those systems help you hopefully live who you  

ought to be. Remember, you need to live the person  you're supposed to be for everybody else and not  
ought to be. Remember, you need to live the person  you're supposed to be for everybody else and not  

just be dealing with your own junk all the time, to  be that parent you're supposed to be, embrace it,  
just be dealing with your own junk all the time, to  be that parent you're supposed to be, embrace it,  

love it, say hey, this is what I was meant for.  I remember that when I did treatment foster care  
love it, say hey, this is what I was meant for.  I remember that when I did treatment foster care  

for troubled teens years ago, and they would go  completely out of control, I would tell myself,  
for troubled teens years ago, and they would go  completely out of control, I would tell myself,  

don't worry Nicholeen, this is what you were meant  for. You can do this. You've done this many,  
don't worry Nicholeen, this is what you were meant  for. You can do this. You've done this many,  

many times and then when the BBC came and brought  to troubled teens to stay in our home for eight  
many times and then when the BBC came and brought  to troubled teens to stay in our home for eight  

days to film, the program, The World's Strictest  Parents, they said, hey, these kids are really  
days to film, the program, The World's Strictest  Parents, they said, hey, these kids are really  

bad. The you know, they're both school dropouts,  they both have all these issues. They're the worst  
bad. The you know, they're both school dropouts,  they both have all these issues. They're the worst  

we ever have had on the show and I said, No  problem. There is no behavior that I haven't  
we ever have had on the show and I said, No  problem. There is no behavior that I haven't  

seen before and I'm sure I'll be just fine.  I have all the skills and principles to handle  
seen before and I'm sure I'll be just fine.  I have all the skills and principles to handle  

it. And that's what I told myself and guess what,  there was no problem. That's what happened. If you  
it. And that's what I told myself and guess what,  there was no problem. That's what happened. If you  

start telling yourself I can't, I don't know,  am I going to be able to do this, I can't,  
start telling yourself I can't, I don't know,  am I going to be able to do this, I can't,  

then you will start stressing out and then you  will behave in a way that is a habit of stress.  
then you will start stressing out and then you  will behave in a way that is a habit of stress.  

And you will misbehave with the other people  around you, you won't be able to connect with them  
And you will misbehave with the other people  around you, you won't be able to connect with them  

or have the heart to heart connection required to  help them have a change of heart as well. Develop  
or have the heart to heart connection required to  help them have a change of heart as well. Develop  

the skills and the thoughts that you need. So what  are some key skills, learn the correction skill,  
the skills and the thoughts that you need. So what  are some key skills, learn the correction skill,  

learn how to describe a situation and what  happened in the situation, why it wasn't a  
learn how to describe a situation and what  happened in the situation, why it wasn't a  

good idea, what they should have done instead. And  then tell them what negative consequences they've  
good idea, what they should have done instead. And  then tell them what negative consequences they've  

earned and then go into a teaching moment about  practicing it the right way, instead of taking  
earned and then go into a teaching moment about  practicing it the right way, instead of taking  

offense or taking it personally and then getting  emotional about what happened and making them have  
offense or taking it personally and then getting  emotional about what happened and making them have  

to feel emotion through a really punitive, awful  consequence. That's not what good teaching is.
to feel emotion through a really punitive, awful  consequence. That's not what good teaching is.

Good teaching should end up bringing you closer  to each other and it is possible even when the  
Good teaching should end up bringing you closer  to each other and it is possible even when the  

child has difficult situations and other going  completely out of instructional control. When  
child has difficult situations and other going  completely out of instructional control. When  

I did treatment, foster care, all of the youth  that came to my home had different neurological  
I did treatment, foster care, all of the youth  that came to my home had different neurological  

differences such as add ADHD, OCD, ODD, RAD,  FAS, kleptomania, compulsive lying, anger control  
differences such as add ADHD, OCD, ODD, RAD,  FAS, kleptomania, compulsive lying, anger control  

issues, autism spectrum, those types of things.  Things that many people would consider to be more  
issues, autism spectrum, those types of things.  Things that many people would consider to be more  

high level parenting a little bit harder but  you know what? It didn't matter what acronym was  
high level parenting a little bit harder but  you know what? It didn't matter what acronym was  

attached to their file. They were a person and  then we're going to learn like a person learns,  
attached to their file. They were a person and  then we're going to learn like a person learns,  

it might take them longer because of some little  acronym or some neurological difference that makes  
it might take them longer because of some little  acronym or some neurological difference that makes  

their processing different from somebody else.  But it didn't matter really for the teaching  
their processing different from somebody else.  But it didn't matter really for the teaching  

because the principles and the skills were  broadly applicable, anyone could use them,  
because the principles and the skills were  broadly applicable, anyone could use them,  

they were simple enough. So make sure that you  tell yourself you can do it and the you use the  
they were simple enough. So make sure that you  tell yourself you can do it and the you use the  

skills deliberately. It doesn't matter if the  person even has a longer learning curve because  
skills deliberately. It doesn't matter if the  person even has a longer learning curve because  

sometimes people who are not neurotypical, it can  take them longer to learn the skills and develop  
sometimes people who are not neurotypical, it can  take them longer to learn the skills and develop  

new habits, but they can and you can develop new  habits too even if you're older. I know that your  
new habits, but they can and you can develop new  habits too even if you're older. I know that your  

children will probably learn skills and principles  of self government faster than you will because  
children will probably learn skills and principles  of self government faster than you will because  

your brains are older and your connections run  deeper. But you can change, you can develop the  
your brains are older and your connections run  deeper. But you can change, you can develop the  

calmness and the skills that you need. I would  like to share with you a skill set for calmness  
calmness and the skills that you need. I would  like to share with you a skill set for calmness  

that I really think could be life changing  for you. In the description below this video,  
that I really think could be life changing  for you. In the description below this video,  

there is a link to the calm parenting toolkit. The  link says teachselfgov.com/toolkit. If you click  
there is a link to the calm parenting toolkit. The  link says teachselfgov.com/toolkit. If you click  

on that link now, you will get my 10 lesson, 10 self  government toolkit for free. So click on the link  
on that link now, you will get my 10 lesson, 10 self  government toolkit for free. So click on the link  

to that toolkit now and I'll see you there.
to that toolkit now and I'll see you there.