*clap*
*clap*

Hey Pals, how are you doing?
Hey Pals, how are you doing?

I wanted to talk about how I knew I was trans.
I wanted to talk about how I knew I was trans.

This isn't to say that there's one way to be trans, or that the only way to know
This isn't to say that there's one way to be trans, or that the only way to know

you're trans is to experience everything I experienced,
you're trans is to experience everything I experienced,

but it's just to kind of
but it's just to kind of

give you an insight into my life,
give you an insight into my life,

and if you are questioning yourself maybe some of
and if you are questioning yourself maybe some of

the things I say might resonate with you,
the things I say might resonate with you,

and give you a bit more clarity.
and give you a bit more clarity.

It also might just be nice to hear someone saying that they had a lot of complex
It also might just be nice to hear someone saying that they had a lot of complex

feelings about their identity and it wasn't just a case of -
feelings about their identity and it wasn't just a case of -

realizing it when
realizing it when

they were able to speak and never having any concerns or feelings about going
they were able to speak and never having any concerns or feelings about going

back and forth about being trans -
back and forth about being trans -

if that makes sense.
if that makes sense.

The first kind of memory I
The first kind of memory I

have of feeling more male than anything else,
have of feeling more male than anything else,

was when my mom had a conversation
was when my mom had a conversation

with my sister about a trans woman at her work
with my sister about a trans woman at her work

undergoing surgery,
undergoing surgery,

and that was the first time I kind of realized that that
and that was the first time I kind of realized that that

was possible,
was possible,

and I asked when I could have that,
and I asked when I could have that,

and that was when I was around
and that was when I was around

six or seven, maybe younger?
six or seven, maybe younger?

I'm not entirely sure.
I'm not entirely sure.

That was like a
That was like a

significant point in my life where I was vocal about the way that I was feeling.
significant point in my life where I was vocal about the way that I was feeling.

Nothing happened when I mentioned that,
Nothing happened when I mentioned that,

from my memory it was kind of dismissed
from my memory it was kind of dismissed

and it was a case of saying it and then realizing that that would never happen...
and it was a case of saying it and then realizing that that would never happen...

and that was a silly thing to say.
and that was a silly thing to say.

After that I kind of went back into living as me,
After that I kind of went back into living as me,

and
and

kind of just accepting that that would never happen, so I didn't act on it
kind of just accepting that that would never happen, so I didn't act on it

really.
really.

I have memories of going to water parks and really wanting to wear the
I have memories of going to water parks and really wanting to wear the

bottom half of my bathing suit that were like zebra striped trunks at the time,
bottom half of my bathing suit that were like zebra striped trunks at the time,

and I really loved them,
and I really loved them,

and I wanted to go up to groups of boys and hang out
and I wanted to go up to groups of boys and hang out

with them and be like "I'm a boy!"
with them and be like "I'm a boy!"

Another memory I had was in school, probably
Another memory I had was in school, probably

around year one or two, I was asked to be in a play with all my classmates and all
around year one or two, I was asked to be in a play with all my classmates and all

the girls were fairies and the boys were soldiers,
the girls were fairies and the boys were soldiers,

and I had a break down in the
and I had a break down in the

middle of my class because I wanted to be a soldier,
middle of my class because I wanted to be a soldier,

or something else but I
or something else but I

didn't want to be a fairy.
didn't want to be a fairy.

I don't know if that was just because I didn't want
I don't know if that was just because I didn't want

to wear a fairy costume or I wanted to be like the boys.
to wear a fairy costume or I wanted to be like the boys.

I hear a lot of stories
I hear a lot of stories

about trans people go to sleep when they were younger and wishing they'd wake up
about trans people go to sleep when they were younger and wishing they'd wake up

as a boy,
as a boy,

and I don't think I necessarily had that.
and I don't think I necessarily had that.

I used to watch program called
I used to watch program called

seventh heaven and I was obsessed with having curly hair and I'd go to sleep
seventh heaven and I was obsessed with having curly hair and I'd go to sleep

waking up wishing that I was the girl with brown curly hair in the morning,
waking up wishing that I was the girl with brown curly hair in the morning,

and having a boyfriend that looked like the guy... I feel like he had blonde spikey hair
and having a boyfriend that looked like the guy... I feel like he had blonde spikey hair

maybe?
maybe?

But, it was never a case of wanting to wake up being him?
But, it was never a case of wanting to wake up being him?

It was more wanting
It was more wanting

to have him as a partner.
to have him as a partner.

I don't know if that's because I thought that it was
I don't know if that's because I thought that it was

impossible to wake up as male, or change your gender.
impossible to wake up as male, or change your gender.

Another memory I have was
Another memory I have was

when I was around seven I taught myself to shower on my own,
when I was around seven I taught myself to shower on my own,

wash my hair and
wash my hair and

that was really exciting because no one would have to see me get naked again,
that was really exciting because no one would have to see me get naked again,

and I was really ashamed of my body,
and I was really ashamed of my body,

I would cry at the thought being born naked,
I would cry at the thought being born naked,

I hated the idea of anyone having to look at me naked,
I hated the idea of anyone having to look at me naked,

and whenever my mom talked
and whenever my mom talked

about my birth, she would kind of pretend that I was born with clothes on,
about my birth, she would kind of pretend that I was born with clothes on,

just to make my discomfort a little bit easier.
just to make my discomfort a little bit easier.

Although I had these feelings of wanting
Although I had these feelings of wanting

to present more masculine in some ways - I hated wearing dresses, I hated the idea
to present more masculine in some ways - I hated wearing dresses, I hated the idea

that I had to wear a school uniform that was a skirt or a dress so I wore my PE
that I had to wear a school uniform that was a skirt or a dress so I wore my PE

kit every day, so I could wear shorts and a t-shirt, and I would like scream if I
kit every day, so I could wear shorts and a t-shirt, and I would like scream if I

had to wear anything kind of feminine -
had to wear anything kind of feminine -

but towards the age of like 10 and 11 I
but towards the age of like 10 and 11 I

got really into doing nails and makeup,
got really into doing nails and makeup,

and I remember feeling really excited
and I remember feeling really excited

when I learn how to do mascara.
when I learn how to do mascara.

I definitely enjoyed doing stereotypically
I definitely enjoyed doing stereotypically

feminine things, which really played on my mind when I first started coming out
feminine things, which really played on my mind when I first started coming out

as trans because I felt like I was a "Fake Tran" for, you know, not always being
as trans because I felt like I was a "Fake Tran" for, you know, not always being

consistently masculine in every way possible.
consistently masculine in every way possible.

I really tried to stand to pee
I really tried to stand to pee

when I was young and showering on my own.
when I was young and showering on my own.

I wanted to learn
I wanted to learn

how to do that so that I could feel more masculine,
how to do that so that I could feel more masculine,

and it was all these kind of
and it was all these kind of

like little things that I did that have come out when I was starting to think
like little things that I did that have come out when I was starting to think

about my gender a bit more during therapy especially.
about my gender a bit more during therapy especially.

Another really weird
Another really weird

thing that only came to my mind recently was that I signed up for swimming
thing that only came to my mind recently was that I signed up for swimming

lessons - or my mom signed me up for swimming lessons -
lessons - or my mom signed me up for swimming lessons -

and I really hated
and I really hated

needing to wear a swimming costume,
needing to wear a swimming costume,

so I would skip swimming and go to the
so I would skip swimming and go to the

library and watch Bill's New Frock, which was a film about a boy who woke up one
library and watch Bill's New Frock, which was a film about a boy who woke up one

day and had turned into a girl.
day and had turned into a girl.

I can't remember if his body had changed or if
I can't remember if his body had changed or if

it was just his mindset,
it was just his mindset,

and he had to wear this dress every day for school and
and he had to wear this dress every day for school and

nobody like treated him as male anymore and it was a really distressing for him,
nobody like treated him as male anymore and it was a really distressing for him,

and
and

I would watch that film like every single week for months, and I didn't know
I would watch that film like every single week for months, and I didn't know

why at the time,
why at the time,

but now it kind of feels a bit weird to know that did that.
but now it kind of feels a bit weird to know that did that.

I feel like when I got into puberty I kind of suppressed a lot of my feelings about
I feel like when I got into puberty I kind of suppressed a lot of my feelings about

being male, or potentially more masculine.
being male, or potentially more masculine.

I started wearing skirts I enjoyed wearing
I started wearing skirts I enjoyed wearing

skirts and tights to school, I had a lot of female friends, I tried to make up a bit
skirts and tights to school, I had a lot of female friends, I tried to make up a bit

I was around 13 or so when I got into a group of friends who were
I was around 13 or so when I got into a group of friends who were

experimenting with their sexuality and their expression.
experimenting with their sexuality and their expression.

One of my friends who I
One of my friends who I

was really attracted to at the time had a short haircut and I, kind of,
was really attracted to at the time had a short haircut and I, kind of,

was shocked that a girl could have a short haircut by choice,
was shocked that a girl could have a short haircut by choice,

and we were on
and we were on

and of, kind of had a relationship but not really,
and of, kind of had a relationship but not really,

and that's when I started
and that's when I started

experimenting with my sexuality a bit more.
experimenting with my sexuality a bit more.

I think it was around that time
I think it was around that time

where I started thinking that maybe I'm a butch lesbian because I'm attracted to
where I started thinking that maybe I'm a butch lesbian because I'm attracted to

women and I like to present myself as more masculine.
women and I like to present myself as more masculine.

But the confusing part to
But the confusing part to

that was that I really also was attracted to men,
that was that I really also was attracted to men,

so I suppressed that
so I suppressed that

side of things and kind of accepted that I was bisexual or a lesbian.
side of things and kind of accepted that I was bisexual or a lesbian.

I really liked
I really liked

being with women who would treat me as that boyfriend,
being with women who would treat me as that boyfriend,

I liked being the
I liked being the

protector and,
protector and,

one of my girlfriends used to call me "Wannabe boy",
one of my girlfriends used to call me "Wannabe boy",

I think that was
I think that was

her nickname for me, and I really liked that.
her nickname for me, and I really liked that.

I was around 12/13 when I wanted to
I was around 12/13 when I wanted to

get my hair cut short as well, and I managed to convince my mum by saying I'd
get my hair cut short as well, and I managed to convince my mum by saying I'd

do it for charity and I wanted to look like Keira Knightley or -
do it for charity and I wanted to look like Keira Knightley or -

what's the other one?
what's the other one?

They both had short haircuts for a period of time,
They both had short haircuts for a period of time,

and I really wanted to
and I really wanted to

like use that as my gateway into getting a short haircut,
like use that as my gateway into getting a short haircut,

So I did that,
So I did that,

and I
and I

really liked having short hair I really liked being a bit more masculine,
really liked having short hair I really liked being a bit more masculine,

and I
and I

embraced that for a while.
embraced that for a while.

Then I got a boyfriend and that kind of turned things
Then I got a boyfriend and that kind of turned things

upside down,
upside down,

and I wanted to make him really happy, so I kind of took on a
and I wanted to make him really happy, so I kind of took on a

housewife-y sort of role.
housewife-y sort of role.

When he was out at work I would do his laundry and
When he was out at work I would do his laundry and

washing up,
washing up,

and I was like I'm gonna be the girlfriend ever.
and I was like I'm gonna be the girlfriend ever.

We broke up after a while -
We broke up after a while -

this was when I was around 14 or 15 -
this was when I was around 14 or 15 -

and I kind of went back to being super
and I kind of went back to being super

masculine.
masculine.

I was living in Thailand at the time,
I was living in Thailand at the time,

I kind of went back and forth
I kind of went back and forth

to England but spent the majority of my life in Thailand from the age of like 1
to England but spent the majority of my life in Thailand from the age of like 1

to 18,
to 18,

and there is a group of people called "Toms" -
and there is a group of people called "Toms" -

I never really got a full
I never really got a full

explanation or definition of what a "Tom" was -
explanation or definition of what a "Tom" was -

but from my experience it was people
but from my experience it was people

who where tom boys or masculine lesbians / trans men that didn't have the funds
who where tom boys or masculine lesbians / trans men that didn't have the funds

or need to medically transition.
or need to medically transition.

I met a Tom at a photography place
I met a Tom at a photography place

me and my friend used to go to,
me and my friend used to go to,

and I noticed that she was wearing boxers
and I noticed that she was wearing boxers

underneath her trousers,
underneath her trousers,

and that was the first time I realized that girls
and that was the first time I realized that girls

could wear boxers.
could wear boxers.

I started looking at buying boxers to wear as pajama shorts
I started looking at buying boxers to wear as pajama shorts

to kind of get away with that in the beginning,
to kind of get away with that in the beginning,

and I felt like that was a
and I felt like that was a

kind of gateway into wearing boxers.
kind of gateway into wearing boxers.

I watched a documentary called "The boy who
I watched a documentary called "The boy who

was born a girl"
was born a girl"

which is about a trans man who was, kind of, coming out and his
which is about a trans man who was, kind of, coming out and his

experiences whilst he was living with his mom who was super supportive,
experiences whilst he was living with his mom who was super supportive,

and I
and I

watched that with my brother and he asked if I was like that person,
watched that with my brother and he asked if I was like that person,

and at the time I was super defensive,
and at the time I was super defensive,

I was like "no of course not, why would you even say
I was like "no of course not, why would you even say

that? like, obviously I'm a woman. Like, how dare you" sort of thing,
that? like, obviously I'm a woman. Like, how dare you" sort of thing,

but I remember
but I remember

feeling really like "Yeah that is me, and I don't know what to do with that
feeling really like "Yeah that is me, and I don't know what to do with that

feeling, I don't know how to process that idea that maybe I am male."
feeling, I don't know how to process that idea that maybe I am male."

I had no idea that it was possible to transition and I didn't know how far I'd
I had no idea that it was possible to transition and I didn't know how far I'd

want to go or if it was even something that I was interested in doing.
want to go or if it was even something that I was interested in doing.

So I was
So I was

really battling with the idea and concept of being trans for a long time before I
really battling with the idea and concept of being trans for a long time before I

came out.
came out.

During this whole time I got back with the boyfriend I was with
During this whole time I got back with the boyfriend I was with

before but I said to him from the beginning "I'm not going to be a feminine
before but I said to him from the beginning "I'm not going to be a feminine

girlfriend and if that's not what you want then it won't work."
girlfriend and if that's not what you want then it won't work."

He was totally
He was totally

fine with it, I don't think he realized to what extent I felt masculine or male,
fine with it, I don't think he realized to what extent I felt masculine or male,

so I would still wear boxers, and he thought it was kind of cool that his
so I would still wear boxers, and he thought it was kind of cool that his

girlfriend was masculine and not a lesbian.
girlfriend was masculine and not a lesbian.

We went to a animal sanctuary
We went to a animal sanctuary

around Christmas,
around Christmas,

and I was looking around and seeing all these men who were
and I was looking around and seeing all these men who were

really compassionate and cared about animals and were vegan,
really compassionate and cared about animals and were vegan,

and I was
and I was

thinking during the whole day I either want to be with a man like that or I
thinking during the whole day I either want to be with a man like that or I

want to be one.
want to be one.

That night I had a talk with that boyfriend and said that I
That night I had a talk with that boyfriend and said that I

don't think it will work because I don't want to be a girlfriend.
don't think it will work because I don't want to be a girlfriend.

I think I was still super scared about what it would mean to be trans.
I think I was still super scared about what it would mean to be trans.

The trans community in Thailand is mostly trans women, and a lot of people see them as
The trans community in Thailand is mostly trans women, and a lot of people see them as

there for entertainment.
there for entertainment.

I feel like all the trans women I saw were being
I feel like all the trans women I saw were being

portrayed as sex workers or there for entertainment and as a joke,
portrayed as sex workers or there for entertainment and as a joke,

so my idea
so my idea

of what it meant to be trans was really skewed and really biased, and there was
of what it meant to be trans was really skewed and really biased, and there was

so much internalized transphobia that I was terrified of being openly trans.
so much internalized transphobia that I was terrified of being openly trans.

So, for a while I really hated the idea of being trans, I felt super ashamed,
So, for a while I really hated the idea of being trans, I felt super ashamed,

I wanted to die because I didn't want to live as a trans person,
I wanted to die because I didn't want to live as a trans person,

but then I came
but then I came

across some YouTube videos of trans men who were not very masculine,
across some YouTube videos of trans men who were not very masculine,

in the sense
in the sense

that they weren't like, gym enthusiasts, they didn't smoke they didn't drink, and in my
that they weren't like, gym enthusiasts, they didn't smoke they didn't drink, and in my

head at the time that was considered masculine and I had heard of,
head at the time that was considered masculine and I had heard of,

or seen
or seen

quite a lot of trans men who were kind of really masculine and really aggressive
quite a lot of trans men who were kind of really masculine and really aggressive

and I was really scared about that,
and I was really scared about that,

because that's not who I was,
because that's not who I was,

and I didn't feel like I was that kind of person,
and I didn't feel like I was that kind of person,

so coming across trans men that
so coming across trans men that

were really softly spoken and gentle and cared about the environment and animals
were really softly spoken and gentle and cared about the environment and animals

and they like doing crafty things, and art, and playing music, I really felt like I
and they like doing crafty things, and art, and playing music, I really felt like I

could see myself in them.
could see myself in them.

So that was kind of a turning point and I was like I
So that was kind of a turning point and I was like I

need to come out now otherwise I'm never going to come out,
need to come out now otherwise I'm never going to come out,

I was talking to a therapist at the time - she wasn't a specific gender therapist but she helped
I was talking to a therapist at the time - she wasn't a specific gender therapist but she helped

me talk through my feelings -
me talk through my feelings -

I came back after the holiday being like "I'm
I came back after the holiday being like "I'm

transitioning and this is it like I'm not going back to how I used to live"
transitioning and this is it like I'm not going back to how I used to live"

I started coming out to my friends, I came out to my nanny, I came out to my
I started coming out to my friends, I came out to my nanny, I came out to my

five-year-old brother,
five-year-old brother,

I think they were the first kind of people,
I think they were the first kind of people,

and my little
and my little

brother was probably the best person I told,
brother was probably the best person I told,

he changed my name
he changed my name

instantly he called me his brother.
instantly he called me his brother.

I came out to my mum by talking about
I came out to my mum by talking about

Packers and binders.
Packers and binders.

She knew that from puberty I wanted a chest reduction
She knew that from puberty I wanted a chest reduction

because I was so unhappy with my chest.
because I was so unhappy with my chest.

I had always talked about on my 18th
I had always talked about on my 18th

birthday I want to go as small as possible,
birthday I want to go as small as possible,

and I don't think she kind of
and I don't think she kind of

realized how intense those feelings were,
realized how intense those feelings were,

and it was kind of like discussed on
and it was kind of like discussed on

and off,
and off,

and we had agreed that on my 18th birthday I would undergo surgery
and we had agreed that on my 18th birthday I would undergo surgery

basically to have a reduction.
basically to have a reduction.

That actually happened when I was 17,
That actually happened when I was 17,

I had Top
I had Top

surgery,
surgery,

thankfully my parents were super supportive,
thankfully my parents were super supportive,

they sold things to get the
they sold things to get the

money to pay for my surgery,
money to pay for my surgery,

and not long after that I started testosterone and
and not long after that I started testosterone and

then moved to a new school,
then moved to a new school,

and kind of lived as "stealth" for a while.
and kind of lived as "stealth" for a while.

It really was
It really was

years of internalized transphobia and homophobia and misogyny and a fear of
years of internalized transphobia and homophobia and misogyny and a fear of

being a man.
being a man.

I really didn't like men for a long time,
I really didn't like men for a long time,

I felt like men had been
I felt like men had been

really abusive and controlling and horrible to me,
really abusive and controlling and horrible to me,

so the idea of being a
so the idea of being a

man really scared me and I felt like I would maybe hate myself, resent myself,
man really scared me and I felt like I would maybe hate myself, resent myself,

If I came out as trans.
If I came out as trans.

I remember testosterone changing my hands first and
I remember testosterone changing my hands first and

looking in the mirror and feeling like there was a man's hands attached to me
looking in the mirror and feeling like there was a man's hands attached to me

and I didn't know whether or not I was comfortable with that,
and I didn't know whether or not I was comfortable with that,

and so there was a
and so there was a

lot of complex feelings to navigate through,
lot of complex feelings to navigate through,

and it was a terrifying process
and it was a terrifying process

but now I've been medically transitioning for seven years,
but now I've been medically transitioning for seven years,

and I'm
and I'm

the happiest in myself that I've ever felt.
the happiest in myself that I've ever felt.

I love that I don't have to worry
I love that I don't have to worry

about my chest anymore,
about my chest anymore,

or hiding it,
or hiding it,

I love that when I go outside everyone
I love that when I go outside everyone

assumes I'm male.
assumes I'm male.

I love the kind of journey of exploration around my gender
I love the kind of journey of exploration around my gender

and identity that I'm going through,
and identity that I'm going through,

and I love talking about it with people I love all my trans friends that I've made
and I love talking about it with people I love all my trans friends that I've made

through being open about it.
through being open about it.

It's definitely not easy all the time,
It's definitely not easy all the time,

I've
I've

lost a lot of friends and some family members through it.
lost a lot of friends and some family members through it.

I think my favorite
I think my favorite

thing is just being able to live as myself when there was a point in time
thing is just being able to live as myself when there was a point in time

where I didn't think it was possible.
where I didn't think it was possible.

I want to thank Sol, Bex, Sasha, Oliver, and Jamie
I want to thank Sol, Bex, Sasha, Oliver, and Jamie

For supporting me on patreon.
For supporting me on patreon.

I just think you're amazing,
I just think you're amazing,

and you help
and you help

me out so much.
me out so much.

If you're interested in following along on patreon I have
If you're interested in following along on patreon I have

podcasts and extra videos that I put out for my $3 and up patrons,
podcasts and extra videos that I put out for my $3 and up patrons,

so check
so check

that out if you want.
that out if you want.

I hope everyone is doing well, I hope you're having a great day,
I hope everyone is doing well, I hope you're having a great day,

And a great week, and a great month and a great everything,
And a great week, and a great month and a great everything,

and I will speak to you soon,
and I will speak to you soon,

Bye.
Bye.