I'm sitting in a bar with a couple of friends --
I'm sitting in a bar with a couple of friends --

literally, a couple, married couple.
literally, a couple, married couple.

They're the parents of two young children,
They're the parents of two young children,

seven academic degrees between them,
seven academic degrees between them,

big nerds, really nice people but very sleep-deprived.
big nerds, really nice people but very sleep-deprived.

And they ask me the question I get asked more than any other question.
And they ask me the question I get asked more than any other question.

They go, "So, Emily,
They go, "So, Emily,

how do couples, you know, sustain a strong sexual connection
how do couples, you know, sustain a strong sexual connection

over multiple decades?"
over multiple decades?"

I'm a sex educator, which is why my friends ask me questions like this,
I'm a sex educator, which is why my friends ask me questions like this,

and I am also a big nerd like my friends.
and I am also a big nerd like my friends.

I love science, which is why I can give them something like an answer.
I love science, which is why I can give them something like an answer.

Research actually has pretty solid evidence
Research actually has pretty solid evidence

that couples who sustain strong sexual connections
that couples who sustain strong sexual connections

over multiple decades
over multiple decades

have two things in common.
have two things in common.

Before I can tell my friends what those two things are,
Before I can tell my friends what those two things are,

I have to tell them a few things that they are not.
I have to tell them a few things that they are not.

These are not couples who have sex very often.
These are not couples who have sex very often.

Almost none of us have sex very often.
Almost none of us have sex very often.

We are busy.
We are busy.

They are also not couples who necessarily have wild, adventurous sex.
They are also not couples who necessarily have wild, adventurous sex.

One recent study actually found
One recent study actually found

that the couples who are most strongly predicted
that the couples who are most strongly predicted

to have strong sexual and relationship satisfaction,
to have strong sexual and relationship satisfaction,

the best predictor of that
the best predictor of that

is not what kind of sex they have
is not what kind of sex they have

or how often or where they have it
or how often or where they have it

but whether they cuddle after sex.
but whether they cuddle after sex.

And they are not necessarily couples
And they are not necessarily couples

who constantly can't wait to keep their hands off each other.
who constantly can't wait to keep their hands off each other.

Some of them are.
Some of them are.

They experience what the researchers call "spontaneous desire,"
They experience what the researchers call "spontaneous desire,"

that just sort of seems to appear out of the blue.
that just sort of seems to appear out of the blue.

Erika Moen, the cartoonist who illustrated my book,
Erika Moen, the cartoonist who illustrated my book,

draws spontaneous desire as a lightning bolt to the genitals --
draws spontaneous desire as a lightning bolt to the genitals --

kaboom! -- you just want it out of the blue.
kaboom! -- you just want it out of the blue.

That is absolutely one normal, healthy way to experience sexual desire.
That is absolutely one normal, healthy way to experience sexual desire.

But there's another healthy way to experience sexual desire.
But there's another healthy way to experience sexual desire.

It's called "responsive desire."
It's called "responsive desire."

Where spontaneous desire seems to emerge in anticipation of pleasure,
Where spontaneous desire seems to emerge in anticipation of pleasure,

responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure.
responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure.

There's a sex therapist in New Jersey named Christine Hyde,
There's a sex therapist in New Jersey named Christine Hyde,

who taught me this great metaphor she uses with her clients.
who taught me this great metaphor she uses with her clients.

She says, imagine that your best friend invites you to a party.
She says, imagine that your best friend invites you to a party.

You say yes because it's your best friend and a party.
You say yes because it's your best friend and a party.

But then, as the date approaches, you start thinking,
But then, as the date approaches, you start thinking,

"Aw, there's going to be all this traffic.
"Aw, there's going to be all this traffic.

We have to find child care.
We have to find child care.

Am I really going to want to put my party clothes on
Am I really going to want to put my party clothes on

and get there at the end of the week?"
and get there at the end of the week?"

But you put on your party clothes and you show up to the party,
But you put on your party clothes and you show up to the party,

and what happens?
and what happens?

You have a good time at the party.
You have a good time at the party.

If you are having fun at the party,
If you are having fun at the party,

you are doing it right.
you are doing it right.

When it comes to a sexual connection, it's the same thing.
When it comes to a sexual connection, it's the same thing.

You put on your party clothes,
You put on your party clothes,

you set up the child care,
you set up the child care,

you put your body in the bed,
you put your body in the bed,

you let your skin touch your partner's skin
you let your skin touch your partner's skin

and allow your body to wake up and remember,
and allow your body to wake up and remember,

"Oh, right! I like this.
"Oh, right! I like this.

I like this person!"
I like this person!"

That's responsive desire,
That's responsive desire,

and it is key to understanding the couples who sustain a strong sexual connection
and it is key to understanding the couples who sustain a strong sexual connection

over the long term,
over the long term,

because -- and this is the part where I tell my friends
because -- and this is the part where I tell my friends

the two characteristics of the couples who do sustain a strong sexual connection --
the two characteristics of the couples who do sustain a strong sexual connection --

one, they have a strong friendship at the foundation of their relationship.
one, they have a strong friendship at the foundation of their relationship.

Specifically, they have strong trust.
Specifically, they have strong trust.

Relationship researcher and therapist,
Relationship researcher and therapist,

developer of emotionally focused therapy,
developer of emotionally focused therapy,

Sue Johnson,
Sue Johnson,

boils trust down to this question:
boils trust down to this question:

Are you there for me?
Are you there for me?

Especially, are you emotionally present and available for me?
Especially, are you emotionally present and available for me?

Friends are there for each other.
Friends are there for each other.

One.
One.

The second characteristic is that they prioritize sex.
The second characteristic is that they prioritize sex.

They decide that it matters for their relationship.
They decide that it matters for their relationship.

They choose to set aside all the other things that they could be doing --
They choose to set aside all the other things that they could be doing --

the children they could be raising and the jobs they could be going to,
the children they could be raising and the jobs they could be going to,

the other family members to pay attention to,
the other family members to pay attention to,

the other friends they might want to hang out with.
the other friends they might want to hang out with.

God forbid they just want to watch some television or go to sleep.
God forbid they just want to watch some television or go to sleep.

Stop doing all that stuff and create a protected space
Stop doing all that stuff and create a protected space

where all you're going to do is put your body in the bed
where all you're going to do is put your body in the bed

and let your skin touch your partner's skin.
and let your skin touch your partner's skin.

So that's it:
So that's it:

best friends,
best friends,

prioritize sex.
prioritize sex.

So I said this to my friends in the bar.
So I said this to my friends in the bar.

I was like, best friends, prioritize sex, I told them about the party,
I was like, best friends, prioritize sex, I told them about the party,

I said you put your skin next to your partner's skin.
I said you put your skin next to your partner's skin.

And one of the partners I was talking to goes, "Aaagh."
And one of the partners I was talking to goes, "Aaagh."

(Laughter)
(Laughter)

And I was like, "OK, so, there's your problem."
And I was like, "OK, so, there's your problem."

(Laughter)
(Laughter)

The difficulty was not that they did not want to go to the party, necessarily.
The difficulty was not that they did not want to go to the party, necessarily.

If the difficulty is just a lack of spontaneous desire for party,
If the difficulty is just a lack of spontaneous desire for party,

you know what to do:
you know what to do:

you put on your party clothes and show up for the party.
you put on your party clothes and show up for the party.

If you're having fun at the party, you're doing it right.
If you're having fun at the party, you're doing it right.

Their difficulty was that this was a party
Their difficulty was that this was a party

where she didn't love what there was available to eat,
where she didn't love what there was available to eat,

the music was not her favorite music,
the music was not her favorite music,

and she wasn't totally sure she felt great about her relationships with people
and she wasn't totally sure she felt great about her relationships with people

who were at the party.
who were at the party.

And this happens all the time:
And this happens all the time:

nice people who love each other come to dread sex.
nice people who love each other come to dread sex.

These couples, if they seek sex therapy,
These couples, if they seek sex therapy,

the therapist might have them stand up
the therapist might have them stand up

and put as much distance between their bodies as they need
and put as much distance between their bodies as they need

in order to feel comfortable,
in order to feel comfortable,

and the less interested partner will make 20 feet of space.
and the less interested partner will make 20 feet of space.

And the really difficult part is that space is not empty.
And the really difficult part is that space is not empty.

It is crowded with weeks or months or more
It is crowded with weeks or months or more

of the, "You're not listening to me,"
of the, "You're not listening to me,"

and "I don't know what's wrong with me but your criticism isn't helping,"
and "I don't know what's wrong with me but your criticism isn't helping,"

and, "If you loved me, you would," and, "You're not there for me."
and, "If you loved me, you would," and, "You're not there for me."

Years, maybe, of all these difficult feelings.
Years, maybe, of all these difficult feelings.

In the book, I use this really silly metaphor
In the book, I use this really silly metaphor

of difficult feelings as sleepy hedgehogs
of difficult feelings as sleepy hedgehogs

that you are fostering until you can find a way to set them free
that you are fostering until you can find a way to set them free

by turning toward them with kindness and compassion.
by turning toward them with kindness and compassion.

And the couples who struggle to maintain a strong sexual connection,
And the couples who struggle to maintain a strong sexual connection,

the distance between them is crowded with these sleepy hedgehogs.
the distance between them is crowded with these sleepy hedgehogs.

And it happens in any relationship that lasts long enough.
And it happens in any relationship that lasts long enough.

You, too, are fostering a prickle of sleepy hedgehogs
You, too, are fostering a prickle of sleepy hedgehogs

between you and your certain special someone.
between you and your certain special someone.

The difference between couples who sustain a strong sexual connection
The difference between couples who sustain a strong sexual connection

and the ones who don't
and the ones who don't

is not that they don't experience these difficult hurt feelings,
is not that they don't experience these difficult hurt feelings,

it's that they turn towards those difficult feelings
it's that they turn towards those difficult feelings

with kindness and compassion
with kindness and compassion

so that they can set them free
so that they can set them free

and find their way back to each other.
and find their way back to each other.

So my friends in the bar are faced with the question under the question,
So my friends in the bar are faced with the question under the question,

not, "How do we sustain a strong connection?"
not, "How do we sustain a strong connection?"

but, "How do we find our way back to it?"
but, "How do we find our way back to it?"

And, yes, there is science to answer this question,
And, yes, there is science to answer this question,

but in 25 years as a sex educator,
but in 25 years as a sex educator,

one thing I have learned is sometimes, Emily,
one thing I have learned is sometimes, Emily,

less science,
less science,

more hedgehogs.
more hedgehogs.

So I told them about me.
So I told them about me.

I spent many months writing a book about the science of women's sexual well-being.
I spent many months writing a book about the science of women's sexual well-being.

I was thinking about sex all day, every day,
I was thinking about sex all day, every day,

and I was so stressed by the project that I had zero -- zero! -- interest
and I was so stressed by the project that I had zero -- zero! -- interest

in actually having any sex.
in actually having any sex.

And then I spent months traveling all over,
And then I spent months traveling all over,

talking with anyone who would listen
talking with anyone who would listen

about the science of women's sexual well-being.
about the science of women's sexual well-being.

And by the time I got home, you know,
And by the time I got home, you know,

I'd show up for the party, put my body in the bed,
I'd show up for the party, put my body in the bed,

let my skin touch my partner's skin,
let my skin touch my partner's skin,

and I was so exhausted and overwhelmed I would just cry and fall asleep.
and I was so exhausted and overwhelmed I would just cry and fall asleep.

And the months of isolation fostered fear and loneliness
And the months of isolation fostered fear and loneliness

and frustration.
and frustration.

So many hedgehogs.
So many hedgehogs.

My best friend, this person I love and admire,
My best friend, this person I love and admire,

felt a million miles away.
felt a million miles away.

But ...
But ...

he was still there for me.
he was still there for me.

No matter how many difficult feelings there were,
No matter how many difficult feelings there were,

he turned toward them with kindness and compassion.
he turned toward them with kindness and compassion.

He never turned away.
He never turned away.

And what was the second characteristic
And what was the second characteristic

of couples who sustain a strong sexual connection?
of couples who sustain a strong sexual connection?

They prioritize sex.
They prioritize sex.

They decide that it matters for their relationship,
They decide that it matters for their relationship,

that they do what it takes to find their way back to the connection.
that they do what it takes to find their way back to the connection.

I told my friends what sex therapist and researcher Peggy Kleinplatz says.
I told my friends what sex therapist and researcher Peggy Kleinplatz says.

She asks: What kind of sex is worth wanting?
She asks: What kind of sex is worth wanting?

My partner and I looked at the quality of our connection
My partner and I looked at the quality of our connection

and what it brought to our lives,
and what it brought to our lives,

and we looked at the family of sleepy hedgehogs
and we looked at the family of sleepy hedgehogs

I had introduced into our home.
I had introduced into our home.

And we decided it was worth it.
And we decided it was worth it.

We decided -- we chose -- to do what it took to find our way,
We decided -- we chose -- to do what it took to find our way,

turning towards each of those sleepy hedgehogs,
turning towards each of those sleepy hedgehogs,

those difficult hurt feelings,
those difficult hurt feelings,

with kindness and compassion
with kindness and compassion

and setting them free so that we could find our way back
and setting them free so that we could find our way back

to the connection that mattered for our relationship.
to the connection that mattered for our relationship.

This is not the story we are usually told
This is not the story we are usually told

about how sexual desire works in long-term relationships.
about how sexual desire works in long-term relationships.

But I can think of nothing more romantic,
But I can think of nothing more romantic,

nothing sexier,
nothing sexier,

than being chosen as a priority
than being chosen as a priority

because that connection matters enough,
because that connection matters enough,

even after I introduced all of these difficult feelings into our relationship.
even after I introduced all of these difficult feelings into our relationship.

How do you sustain a strong sexual connection over the long term?
How do you sustain a strong sexual connection over the long term?

You look into the eyes of your best friend,
You look into the eyes of your best friend,

and you keep choosing to find your way back.
and you keep choosing to find your way back.

Thank you.
Thank you.

(Applause)
(Applause)