Hey, you may notice that my hair is a little bit
Hey, you may notice that my hair is a little bit

blonder today than usual--
blonder today than usual--

and a little bit shorter than usual.
and a little bit shorter than usual.

And that's cause I had my hair done over the weekend.
And that's cause I had my hair done over the weekend.

And by over the weekend, I mean the entire weekend.
And by over the weekend, I mean the entire weekend.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

When you have short hair, you have to color it often.
When you have short hair, you have to color it often.

Cause my hair grows really fast.
Cause my hair grows really fast.

So I'm constantly coloring it.
So I'm constantly coloring it.

So it always looks different when
So it always looks different when

you watch the show-- some days it's a different tone.
you watch the show-- some days it's a different tone.

Today it's really different.
Today it's really different.

Here's what happened--
Here's what happened--

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

--started on Thursday-- and it started with the same sentence
--started on Thursday-- and it started with the same sentence

that all bad hair stories start with--
that all bad hair stories start with--

I tried a new person.
I tried a new person.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CLAPPING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CLAPPING]

Looking back, there were signs--
Looking back, there were signs--

some red flags.
some red flags.

Here's a picture of the colorist that I used.
Here's a picture of the colorist that I used.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah, he said he was very experienced-- he'd
Yeah, he said he was very experienced-- he'd

served a billion people.
served a billion people.

All right, so what happens is, for a while,
All right, so what happens is, for a while,

I was wearing my hair kind of--
I was wearing my hair kind of--

I'd use foils and I was highlighting my hair.
I'd use foils and I was highlighting my hair.

Then I decided to just lighten the top
Then I decided to just lighten the top

and leave the sides my normal color.
and leave the sides my normal color.

So it was darker on the sides and lighter on top.
So it was darker on the sides and lighter on top.

Then I decided, I'm going to do the whole head.
Then I decided, I'm going to do the whole head.

Because, that must be faster-- you just put color on it
Because, that must be faster-- you just put color on it

and it's done.
and it's done.

And no, it's not.
And no, it's not.

It's called a bleach and tone.
It's called a bleach and tone.

And the old bleach and tone is something that
And the old bleach and tone is something that

takes hours and hours to do.
takes hours and hours to do.

And after it was finished--
And after it was finished--

two and a half, two forty-five, maybe--
two and a half, two forty-five, maybe--

hours-- I looked at it in the mirror and I was like,
hours-- I looked at it in the mirror and I was like,

this is not good.
this is not good.

And so the person said, well let me try it again,
And so the person said, well let me try it again,

and they tried it again.
and they tried it again.

And then we were running out of time and they were like,
And then we were running out of time and they were like,

it'll rinse out.
it'll rinse out.

Every time you shampoo, it'll get better.
Every time you shampoo, it'll get better.

Because, it was basically many colors.
Because, it was basically many colors.

I couldn't even pinpoint what color it was.
I couldn't even pinpoint what color it was.

It was like orange and pink and purple and--
It was like orange and pink and purple and--

I had the pride flag on my head.
I had the pride flag on my head.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It was kind of greenish, ashy so you
It was kind of greenish, ashy so you

couldn't tell where my skin stopped and the hair started.
couldn't tell where my skin stopped and the hair started.

And I'm not going to tell you how much she
And I'm not going to tell you how much she

tried to charge me, but it was a lot-- it was a whole lot.
tried to charge me, but it was a lot-- it was a whole lot.

And my Groupon only covered half.
And my Groupon only covered half.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And not only was it a weird color,
And not only was it a weird color,

it was damaged from 2 and 1/2 hours of this processing.
it was damaged from 2 and 1/2 hours of this processing.

And so my hair was falling out.
And so my hair was falling out.

Like literally, I would touch my head and hair was falling out.
Like literally, I would touch my head and hair was falling out.

I think my hair was so embarrassed, it
I think my hair was so embarrassed, it

didn't want anything to do with my head and said,
didn't want anything to do with my head and said,

I'm getting out of here.
I'm getting out of here.

So I knew I had to come to the show
So I knew I had to come to the show

this morning to do the show.
this morning to do the show.

And so I had to figure out what to do.
And so I had to figure out what to do.

Either I have to get it fixed somehow,
Either I have to get it fixed somehow,

or become that lady who wears hats.
or become that lady who wears hats.

So I was like, Portia, I got to get my hair done
So I was like, Portia, I got to get my hair done

before I go back to work.
before I go back to work.

And she's like, it's not that bad.
And she's like, it's not that bad.

I said, no-- it's horrible.
I said, no-- it's horrible.

And she said, it's not.
And she said, it's not.

And then finally I convinced some people
And then finally I convinced some people

to come to my house to fix it.
to come to my house to fix it.

I told her, and she goes-- oh thank god, it was horrible.
I told her, and she goes-- oh thank god, it was horrible.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She just didn't want to make me feel bad.
She just didn't want to make me feel bad.

But she's-- it's bad.
But she's-- it's bad.

Even the people who showed up at the house were like, oh my god.
Even the people who showed up at the house were like, oh my god.

So here's the beginning of the process.
So here's the beginning of the process.

This is the first step.
This is the first step.

Still going.
Still going.

They're gently massaging each hair, apologizing to it.
They're gently massaging each hair, apologizing to it.

Literally.
Literally.

They're just massaging each hair,
They're just massaging each hair,

trying to change it's color--
trying to change it's color--

and grooming me like a monkey.
and grooming me like a monkey.

The reason they were doing that is-- my hair was so damaged,
The reason they were doing that is-- my hair was so damaged,

he didn't want to put heat on it.
he didn't want to put heat on it.

So we couldn't dry it with a blow dryer.
So we couldn't dry it with a blow dryer.

So they had to rub my hair to warm it--
So they had to rub my hair to warm it--

which was quite a while.
which was quite a while.

And then this is one of the other steps.
And then this is one of the other steps.

Yep, now this is happening.
Yep, now this is happening.

Now we're here.
Now we're here.

Right?
Right?

Phase 3.
Phase 3.

Yep.
Yep.

I had to wash my hair three times, I think.
I had to wash my hair three times, I think.

This will be the fourth.
This will be the fourth.

And yeah, I had a costume change, you're correct.
And yeah, I had a costume change, you're correct.

[ALL LAUGHING]
[ALL LAUGHING]

All right, so I don't know if the foil helped my hair
All right, so I don't know if the foil helped my hair

but I got better cell reception.
but I got better cell reception.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So here's what happened after they took the foil out.
So here's what happened after they took the foil out.

OK, now we're here.
OK, now we're here.

And we're trying to still get the orange out and then put
And we're trying to still get the orange out and then put

some gold in it-- cause it's now Billy Idol color.
some gold in it-- cause it's now Billy Idol color.

But at least we got the orange out-- some of it.
But at least we got the orange out-- some of it.

So another costume change.
So another costume change.

[ALL LAUGHING]
[ALL LAUGHING]

So they had to stop there because my hair couldn't
So they had to stop there because my hair couldn't

take anymore.
take anymore.

Literally, I can't touch it.
Literally, I can't touch it.

I can't wash it.
I can't wash it.

Like, he said, if you rinse it, just pat it-- just pat it.
Like, he said, if you rinse it, just pat it-- just pat it.

Don't do anything, like, at all.
Don't do anything, like, at all.

So I'm not allowed to wash it, I'm not allowed--
So I'm not allowed to wash it, I'm not allowed--

today, I should be fine if I don't sneeze or blink.
today, I should be fine if I don't sneeze or blink.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]