-♪ Guess who's back ♪
-♪ Guess who's back ♪

♪ Back again ♪
♪ Back again ♪

♪ Guess who's back ♪
♪ Guess who's back ♪

♪ Tell a friend ♪
♪ Tell a friend ♪

♪ Guess who's back, guess who's back, ♪
♪ Guess who's back, guess who's back, ♪

♪ guess who's back, guess who's back, ♪
♪ guess who's back, guess who's back, ♪

♪ guess who's back -- Shoemaker ♪
♪ guess who's back -- Shoemaker ♪

Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Happy St. Patrick's Day.

You're maybe watching this the day after,
You're maybe watching this the day after,

but it's St Patrick's Day now.
but it's St Patrick's Day now.

I'm celebrating with the most Irish of drinks --
I'm celebrating with the most Irish of drinks --

the gin martini.
the gin martini.

You've never had a gin martini
You've never had a gin martini

until you've had one from O'Halleran's.
until you've had one from O'Halleran's.

Very excited, we've talked a lot about merch,
Very excited, we've talked a lot about merch,

the need for Jackal merch.
the need for Jackal merch.

Well, we timed it out.
Well, we timed it out.

We've had a lot of mugs over the course of corrections.
We've had a lot of mugs over the course of corrections.

It's time for Merch Madness.
It's time for Merch Madness.

We're going to go to seacaptainpolls.com.
We're going to go to seacaptainpolls.com.

You're going to go there.
You're going to go there.

It's not actually seacaptainpolls.com.
It's not actually seacaptainpolls.com.

It's @seacaptainpolls on Twitter.
It's @seacaptainpolls on Twitter.

It's a very popular handle, I think, like 3,500 followers,
It's a very popular handle, I think, like 3,500 followers,

or something, which is a big number.
or something, which is a big number.

But go there and there will be brackets
But go there and there will be brackets

where you can vote on your favorite mug.
where you can vote on your favorite mug.

And over the course of Merch Madness,
And over the course of Merch Madness,

we're going to pick the mug that we're going to insist
we're going to pick the mug that we're going to insist

the NBC store carry.
the NBC store carry.

I was pretty psyched, you groaned.
I was pretty psyched, you groaned.

I was pretty psyched when I came up with Merch Madness.
I was pretty psyched when I came up with Merch Madness.

So I told Chelsea, my assistant, "Hey, before I drop this.
So I told Chelsea, my assistant, "Hey, before I drop this.

Pun of a lifetime.
Pun of a lifetime.

Why don't you run over to the old Internet
Why don't you run over to the old Internet

and by Merch Madness for us."
and by Merch Madness for us."

50K for Merch Madness.
50K for Merch Madness.

But she told me --
But she told me --

because that was a hard no from NBC.
because that was a hard no from NBC.

50K for Merch Madness.
50K for Merch Madness.

But they told me merch with a U
But they told me merch with a U

$12 month.
$12 month.

So that's ours now.
So that's ours now.

That's ours.
That's ours.

Hey, last week we mentioned
Hey, last week we mentioned

the Jackal Briggs personality test,
the Jackal Briggs personality test,

which is when a person says,
which is when a person says,

actually, it's Frankenstein's monster,
actually, it's Frankenstein's monster,

that means they have no personality.
that means they have no personality.

And a bunch of you asked why, when given a choice of making
And a bunch of you asked why, when given a choice of making

a play on the Myers-Briggs personality test,
a play on the Myers-Briggs personality test,

why do you go with Meyers-Jackal?
why do you go with Meyers-Jackal?

Little on the nose.
Little on the nose.

All right, we've talked a lot about
All right, we've talked a lot about

why you're watching YouTube if you don't like this.
why you're watching YouTube if you don't like this.

Like why you're watching this on YouTube,
Like why you're watching this on YouTube,

if you don't like this with so many options on YouTube
if you don't like this with so many options on YouTube

and this is a couple of weeks ago now,
and this is a couple of weeks ago now,

I said when you walk into a grocery store,
I said when you walk into a grocery store,

do you just take the first thing that you see?
do you just take the first thing that you see?

And I'm like, "Oh, tuna fish."
And I'm like, "Oh, tuna fish."

And then you said, "You obviously don't grocery shop
And then you said, "You obviously don't grocery shop

because tuna fish is never the first thing
because tuna fish is never the first thing

you see in the grocery store."
you see in the grocery store."

And then last week I said,
And then last week I said,

"Well, actually, it's the first thing I see
"Well, actually, it's the first thing I see

because I use a VIP entrance and it opens up into seafood."
because I use a VIP entrance and it opens up into seafood."

And then a lot of you said,
And then a lot of you said,

"This also proves you don't go to a grocery store
"This also proves you don't go to a grocery store

because tuna fish is not in the seafood section,
because tuna fish is not in the seafood section,

it's in the canned goods section."
it's in the canned goods section."

And to that, all I want to say is,
And to that, all I want to say is,

you got me.
you got me.

I don't go to the grocery store.
I don't go to the grocery store.

You know where I get my tuna?
You know where I get my tuna?

The Omakase menu at Takasawi's.
The Omakase menu at Takasawi's.

I said "IE" last week and was told,
I said "IE" last week and was told,

one does not say "IE" out loud.
one does not say "IE" out loud.

You use IE in writing and when speaking,
You use IE in writing and when speaking,

you say that is.
you say that is.

Which means the correct way to sing "Old MacDonald" is
Which means the correct way to sing "Old MacDonald" is

Old MacDonald had a farm, E that is IO.
Old MacDonald had a farm, E that is IO.

I had a little bit of fun last week.
I had a little bit of fun last week.

I had a bit of fun last week obliquely referencing
I had a bit of fun last week obliquely referencing

the lyrics to the Barenaked Ladies song
the lyrics to the Barenaked Ladies song

"If I Had $1,000,000" and I reference
"If I Had $1,000,000" and I reference

Barenaked Ladies lyrics the reason anyone would --
Barenaked Ladies lyrics the reason anyone would --

click bait.
click bait.

I referenced the line,
I referenced the line,

"I'd buy you John Merrick's remains."
"I'd buy you John Merrick's remains."

And it's been one week since I did that,
And it's been one week since I did that,

and many of you
and many of you

looked at me
looked at me

cocked your head to the side and said, I'm angry.
cocked your head to the side and said, I'm angry.

Is it because when you were angry,
Is it because when you were angry,

because while in the film,
because while in the film,

The Elephant Man is named John Merrick,
The Elephant Man is named John Merrick,

in real life, his name was Joseph Merrick.
in real life, his name was Joseph Merrick.

And -- but I was -- I was quoting the lyric,
And -- but I was -- I was quoting the lyric,

it should be noted correctly.
it should be noted correctly.

But Joseph Merrick was his real name.
But Joseph Merrick was his real name.

And I guess France -- Frederick, excuse me,
And I guess France -- Frederick, excuse me,

Frederick Treves, the surgeon who wrote the book,
Frederick Treves, the surgeon who wrote the book,

is the one -- he actually -- he got it wrong.
is the one -- he actually -- he got it wrong.

I guess he got it wrong maybe just by accident.
I guess he got it wrong maybe just by accident.

He maybe wasn't that good on the details
He maybe wasn't that good on the details

when writing this story
when writing this story

about Joseph Merrick because someone wrote -- someone said,
about Joseph Merrick because someone wrote -- someone said,

it's actually Joseph Merrick,
it's actually Joseph Merrick,

and he changed it to John to protect his identity.
and he changed it to John to protect his identity.

Feel like that's not enough of a change.
Feel like that's not enough of a change.

It's like I'm writing a book about you, but don't worry.
It's like I'm writing a book about you, but don't worry.

I'm changing your name to John.
I'm changing your name to John.

So we're going to call Frederick Treves,
So we're going to call Frederick Treves,

Francis from now on.
Francis from now on.

Good back up.
Good back up.

I said sloths.
I said sloths.

We've talked a lot about sloths here.
We've talked a lot about sloths here.

It's the leitmotif.
It's the leitmotif.

I said "light" motif last week
I said "light" motif last week

and was told you don't say the T.
and was told you don't say the T.

Someone said, I said a little sloth
Someone said, I said a little sloth

was the last animal we're ever going to have on the show.
was the last animal we're ever going to have on the show.

And someone said, "What about your dog Frisbee?
And someone said, "What about your dog Frisbee?

Do you consider Frisbee an animal?"
Do you consider Frisbee an animal?"

One, I think Frisbee was on before the sloth.
One, I think Frisbee was on before the sloth.

And two, I don't -- I...she's family.
And two, I don't -- I...she's family.

I don't consider Frisbee an animal.
I don't consider Frisbee an animal.

I know it's irrational, but I consider her a person,
I know it's irrational, but I consider her a person,

the dumbest person I know.
the dumbest person I know.

We did a joke about somebody was...
We did a joke about somebody was...

showed a Legoland ID after getting arrested in England.
showed a Legoland ID after getting arrested in England.

And then, the punch line was they...
And then, the punch line was they...

were charged with resisting arrest
were charged with resisting arrest

because they were snapped into their car.
because they were snapped into their car.

The details aren't important.
The details aren't important.

I was told there's no arrest --
I was told there's no arrest --

no resisting arrest charge in England.
no resisting arrest charge in England.

I did not do any follow up on that.
I did not do any follow up on that.

But I guess you have the right to say
But I guess you have the right to say

that any police officer in England,
that any police officer in England,

"Now is not a good time."
"Now is not a good time."

And then they just -- that's it. They just go home.
And then they just -- that's it. They just go home.

That's why they never caught Jack the Ripper.
That's why they never caught Jack the Ripper.

They almost had him, and he was like, "I got a thing."
They almost had him, and he was like, "I got a thing."

I mentioned that I was 48 years old
I mentioned that I was 48 years old

on air this week.
on air this week.

I also implied I was 48
I also implied I was 48

when I quoted Barenaked Ladies lyrics.
when I quoted Barenaked Ladies lyrics.

I'm no spring Chinese chicken.
I'm no spring Chinese chicken.

They get this in Canada, right? YouTube?
They get this in Canada, right? YouTube?

It'll do so well.
It'll do so well.

Hey, someone reached out and said,
Hey, someone reached out and said,

"Hey, in the thumbnail that you use in your YouTube photos,"
"Hey, in the thumbnail that you use in your YouTube photos,"

you know, the thumbnail photo they use for the YouTube video,
you know, the thumbnail photo they use for the YouTube video,

"You don't look 48, you look early 50s."
"You don't look 48, you look early 50s."

And so I went and talked to Lloyd,
And so I went and talked to Lloyd,

our Scottish photographer, and said,
our Scottish photographer, and said,

"Is there -- could we use like a different lens or something?"
"Is there -- could we use like a different lens or something?"

And he said, the sweetest thing to me.
And he said, the sweetest thing to me.

He said, "I don't think you look 48.
He said, "I don't think you look 48.

I think you look a Scottish 30."
I think you look a Scottish 30."

I always like to read my favorite comment of the week.
I always like to read my favorite comment of the week.

This was, again, a lot of people complain
This was, again, a lot of people complain

that these are getting too long.
that these are getting too long.

"If the correction segment,"
"If the correction segment,"

someone thought maybe I was just throwing in things
someone thought maybe I was just throwing in things

that weren't actual mistakes for the purposes
that weren't actual mistakes for the purposes

of the length of this segment.
of the length of this segment.

"If the correction segment
"If the correction segment

only has enough genuine material for three minutes,
only has enough genuine material for three minutes,

then do three minutes.
then do three minutes.

Don't pad it out to 60 minutes
Don't pad it out to 60 minutes

just so your hack writers have something to do on Thursdays."
just so your hack writers have something to do on Thursdays."

How dare you?
How dare you?

My writers don't come in on Thursdays.
My writers don't come in on Thursdays.

You're lucky if they're still here at noon on a Wednesday.
You're lucky if they're still here at noon on a Wednesday.

Pad it out.
Pad it out.

Someone thinks we pad these out.
Someone thinks we pad these out.

In what world?
In what world?

Who would it benefit? It's not like there's ads.
Who would it benefit? It's not like there's ads.

I mean, I'm -- I'm reading it right.
I mean, I'm -- I'm reading it right.

If the correction segment...
If the correction segment...

Two or three minutes. Don't pad it out. Yeah.
Two or three minutes. Don't pad it out. Yeah.

The nerve.
The nerve.

Because this -- I mean, again, it's not for the show, but...
Because this -- I mean, again, it's not for the show, but...

There's an integrity to this.
There's an integrity to this.

Pad it out.
Pad it out.

I mentioned my new book
I mentioned my new book

"I'm Not Scared, YOU'RE scared!"
"I'm Not Scared, YOU'RE scared!"

It's a very proud -- I'm very proud of it.
It's a very proud -- I'm very proud of it.

And one of the things I'm proudest about,
And one of the things I'm proudest about,

and I've mentioned this on the show
and I've mentioned this on the show

is the groundbreaking choice I made.
is the groundbreaking choice I made.

It's the first children's book
It's the first children's book

to have both a rabbit and a bear in it.
to have both a rabbit and a bear in it.

And a lot of you have written me
And a lot of you have written me

that's not true.
that's not true.

And you wouldn't give me examples of books that
And you wouldn't give me examples of books that

have both a bear and a rabbit.
have both a bear and a rabbit.

But here's something that is true.
But here's something that is true.

The time it took you to write that you'll never get back.
The time it took you to write that you'll never get back.

Oh, this is great. I mean, this is what --
Oh, this is great. I mean, this is what --

this is my... [ speaks indistinctly ]
this is my... [ speaks indistinctly ]

I got a correction from way back.
I got a correction from way back.

2021 corrections.
2021 corrections.

We talked about -- someone clarified the difference
We talked about -- someone clarified the difference

because we mixed up Alice Cooper's chicken
because we mixed up Alice Cooper's chicken

and Ozzy Osbourne's bat,
and Ozzy Osbourne's bat,

and someone really put the time into a long correction
and someone really put the time into a long correction

about what we'd gotten wrong about that.
about what we'd gotten wrong about that.

And then I said, the only thing I know to be true
And then I said, the only thing I know to be true

about the person who wrote that is that they are a stepdad.
about the person who wrote that is that they are a stepdad.

And then that person, I guess, just saw it,
And then that person, I guess, just saw it,

you know, they're catching up on their corrections.
you know, they're catching up on their corrections.

And they said, "I am offended that you would say that.
And they said, "I am offended that you would say that.

How dare you? I am a step mom."
How dare you? I am a step mom."

Which is even cooler,
Which is even cooler,

like a stepmom who loves that brand of music.
like a stepmom who loves that brand of music.

Imagine getting that in your life. What a dream.
Imagine getting that in your life. What a dream.

What a dream.
What a dream.

"You kids listening to music?"
"You kids listening to music?"

Oh.
Oh.

Oh, hey, Debbie. "Ah, Ed Sheeran, huh?
Oh, hey, Debbie. "Ah, Ed Sheeran, huh?

I'm pretty cool. He ever eat an animal on stage?"
I'm pretty cool. He ever eat an animal on stage?"

Debbie!
Debbie!

"All right. Rock and roll!"
"All right. Rock and roll!"

In math --
In math --

I said in math, we call that a given.
I said in math, we call that a given.

I was told in math, we call that a constant.
I was told in math, we call that a constant.

A given is a no one cares.
A given is a no one cares.

Shoemaker is back. I mentioned that up top.
Shoemaker is back. I mentioned that up top.

If you're wondering why there's sort of a buoyant
If you're wondering why there's sort of a buoyant

atmosphere to tonight it's correct.
atmosphere to tonight it's correct.

It is both the fact that
It is both the fact that

I've had one half of one martini.
I've had one half of one martini.

And that Shoemaker is back. He's not that mobile right now.
And that Shoemaker is back. He's not that mobile right now.

Not that mobile. A lot of sitting.
Not that mobile. A lot of sitting.

A lot of stretching out on a couch.
A lot of stretching out on a couch.

He's definitely got a real
He's definitely got a real

Wally in an H.R. meeting vibe.
Wally in an H.R. meeting vibe.

His new catchphrase is,
His new catchphrase is,

"You're lucky I'm stuck in this chair!"
"You're lucky I'm stuck in this chair!"

I'm so happy to have him back.
I'm so happy to have him back.

I mean, have I --
I mean, have I --

have I called his doctor and said,
have I called his doctor and said,

"Are you sure he's ready to do a full work week?" I have.
"Are you sure he's ready to do a full work week?" I have.

Only because he hit me across the knuckles with his cane
Only because he hit me across the knuckles with his cane

and then blamed it on his pain meds.
and then blamed it on his pain meds.

And then I said, "What are your pain meds?"
And then I said, "What are your pain meds?"

And he said, "Advil."
And he said, "Advil."

I did say we were worried because Shoemaker was zooming in
I did say we were worried because Shoemaker was zooming in

from what he said was the hospital,
from what he said was the hospital,

but looked like the Ritz-Carlton in Puerto Rico.
but looked like the Ritz-Carlton in Puerto Rico.

I was told that's not possible because the Ritz-Carlton
I was told that's not possible because the Ritz-Carlton

in Puerto Rico is under renovation till later this year.
in Puerto Rico is under renovation till later this year.

But I will say that Shoemaker has often said
But I will say that Shoemaker has often said

that one of his travel hacks
that one of his travel hacks

is to stay at places with construction rates.
is to stay at places with construction rates.

It did that a few weeks ago.
It did that a few weeks ago.

And then last week I mentioned that people said
And then last week I mentioned that people said

I looked like an old worn out Ash Ketchum.
I looked like an old worn out Ash Ketchum.

And then someone said, "No, you don't look like
And then someone said, "No, you don't look like

Ash Ketchum. You look like the pizza guy
Ash Ketchum. You look like the pizza guy

in a porn film
in a porn film

who just delivers the pizza and leaves."
who just delivers the pizza and leaves."

Eh, somebody order a pizza?
Eh, somebody order a pizza?

Oh, yeah. I'll just take the pizza.
Oh, yeah. I'll just take the pizza.

I said Peter's out. No. Excuse me.
I said Peter's out. No. Excuse me.

Yeah, I said, Peter's out.
Yeah, I said, Peter's out.

No wait. What did I do? I said Peter's off.
No wait. What did I do? I said Peter's off.

It's supposed to be Peter's out.
It's supposed to be Peter's out.

And everybody's like,
And everybody's like,

"It's not Peter's off. It's Peter's out."
"It's not Peter's off. It's Peter's out."

But what I was trying to say was "[Bleep] off."
But what I was trying to say was "[Bleep] off."

So the Peter part was the -- where my error.
So the Peter part was the -- where my error.

I showed a really cool letter last week from E.B. White,
I showed a really cool letter last week from E.B. White,

a letter no one had ever seen before.
a letter no one had ever seen before.

And again, we've been talking a fair amount
And again, we've been talking a fair amount

about E.B. White.
about E.B. White.

And boy, oh, boy, did I hear it from you, jackals,
And boy, oh, boy, did I hear it from you, jackals,

to the point that I'm not even sure
to the point that I'm not even sure

it's worth sharing things with you guys anymore.
it's worth sharing things with you guys anymore.

So, you know, it's this really cool letter
So, you know, it's this really cool letter

from 1953 and --
from 1953 and --

and a lot of you said E.B. Write --
and a lot of you said E.B. Write --

E.B. White, an accomplished what writer like E.B. White
E.B. White, an accomplished what writer like E.B. White

would never have written the sentence,
would never have written the sentence,

"Is it [bleep] up that two humans has a kid mouse?"
"Is it [bleep] up that two humans has a kid mouse?"

But they were like, obviously the correct grammar is had.
But they were like, obviously the correct grammar is had.

Well, I don't know.
Well, I don't know.

Maybe it had been a long time since he used a typewriter.
Maybe it had been a long time since he used a typewriter.

And maybe this was the eighth try
And maybe this was the eighth try

and this was the best one by far.
and this was the best one by far.

And maybe whatever his equivalent of a producer was,
And maybe whatever his equivalent of a producer was,

was banging on his office door saying,
was banging on his office door saying,

"We got to go."
"We got to go."

I don't know. I'm not him.
I don't know. I'm not him.

Maybe he had to be like, this is, you know what,
Maybe he had to be like, this is, you know what,

this is good as it's going to be today.
this is good as it's going to be today.

But let's let the man rest.
But let's let the man rest.

Why are you criticizing E.B.? It's E.B. White.
Why are you criticizing E.B.? It's E.B. White.

Look at the date. We've talked about that, right up there.
Look at the date. We've talked about that, right up there.

And then everybody was like, oh, why did E.B. White
And then everybody was like, oh, why did E.B. White

use a capital I for one instead of a lowercase L?
use a capital I for one instead of a lowercase L?

I don't know.
I don't know.

Why doesn't a typewriter have a one?
Why doesn't a typewriter have a one?

Why is it some weird riddle to know where you're supposed to --
Why is it some weird riddle to know where you're supposed to --

he's got all the other numbers.
he's got all the other numbers.

I don't know.
I don't know.

Someone else said if you wanted to make the letter look older,
Someone else said if you wanted to make the letter look older,

you should have dipped it in tea.
you should have dipped it in tea.

I -- Why are you telling me?
I -- Why are you telling me?

I didn't do this.
I didn't do this.

Look, it's signed by E.B. White. Okay?
Look, it's signed by E.B. White. Okay?

And I was so upset by this
And I was so upset by this

that I reached out to the Cornell University Library
that I reached out to the Cornell University Library

which houses the E.B. White Archive
which houses the E.B. White Archive

it just so happens.
it just so happens.

And, well, I unearthed another letter.
And, well, I unearthed another letter.

And, you know, again,
And, you know, again,

very hesitant to share it with you
very hesitant to share it with you

after you guys were such jerks about the last one.
after you guys were such jerks about the last one.

But here we go.
But here we go.

[ Speaks indistinctly ]
[ Speaks indistinctly ]

March 25th, so one day later,
March 25th, so one day later,

and it looks like he did get it right this time. Okay.
and it looks like he did get it right this time. Okay.

"Dear Kaye, wanted to circle back regarding my last letter.
"Dear Kaye, wanted to circle back regarding my last letter.

I'm realizing now there were quite a few typos
I'm realizing now there were quite a few typos

and grammatical errors.
and grammatical errors.

The fact is, I'm under a lot of pressure lately.
The fact is, I'm under a lot of pressure lately.

My typewriter doesn't have a one button, and it's driving --
My typewriter doesn't have a one button, and it's driving --

It's driving me cuckoo.
It's driving me cuckoo.

Plus it's starting to dawn on me that you're right.
Plus it's starting to dawn on me that you're right.

And the ending to 'Stuart Little' does suck."
And the ending to 'Stuart Little' does suck."

Okay, pretty big deal.
Okay, pretty big deal.

"I called my publisher and begged them
"I called my publisher and begged them

to let me add a proper ending,
to let me add a proper ending,

but they're being total dicks about it.
but they're being total dicks about it.

O.M.G. complain much, E.B.?
O.M.G. complain much, E.B.?

Thanks for letting me unload.
Thanks for letting me unload.

All the best to your future endeavors.
All the best to your future endeavors.

Sincerely, E.B. White."
Sincerely, E.B. White."

I mean, oh, and that's cool.
I mean, oh, and that's cool.

"P.S., if this letter looks older than the last one,
"P.S., if this letter looks older than the last one,

it's because I dipped it in tea."
it's because I dipped it in tea."

All right. Well,
All right. Well,

we're really happy to have Shoemaker back.
we're really happy to have Shoemaker back.

Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Happy St. Patrick's Day.

Pad it out.
Pad it out.

Because...
Because...

One more thing I have to show you.
One more thing I have to show you.

I actually don't think there is.
I actually don't think there is.