Alright, now everybody knows that...
Alright, now everybody knows that...

well, working for a living blows.
well, working for a living blows.

And it especially blows when you have a bad day at work.
And it especially blows when you have a bad day at work.

Now, what do I know about bad days of work?
Now, what do I know about bad days of work?

After all, I'm a full-time YouTuber, for Christ's sake!
After all, I'm a full-time YouTuber, for Christ's sake!

A bad day of work for me consists of like...
A bad day of work for me consists of like...

me not being able to say the word 'alright' with the correct inflection.
me not being able to say the word 'alright' with the correct inflection.

"Alright... No, that's not right." (Clears throat)
"Alright... No, that's not right." (Clears throat)

"Alright... No, no, no, that's not it either!"
"Alright... No, no, no, that's not it either!"

Ahem! Alright, alright, alright!"
Ahem! Alright, alright, alright!"

But I've worked real jobs before,
But I've worked real jobs before,

my first job was being a cook at a pizza place.
my first job was being a cook at a pizza place.

Do you really think that was a rootin'-tootin' time?
Do you really think that was a rootin'-tootin' time?

Sweating your ass off,
Sweating your ass off,

making stuffed-crust pizzas for drunk people all night long?
making stuffed-crust pizzas for drunk people all night long?

Yeah, I think I've had my fair share of bad days at work to say the least.
Yeah, I think I've had my fair share of bad days at work to say the least.

But the absolute worst work day that I had
But the absolute worst work day that I had

was ironically on my day off.
was ironically on my day off.

And it wasn't just any day off, it was a Friday of all days.
And it wasn't just any day off, it was a Friday of all days.

And Fridays are the busiest days of the week for pizza places,
And Fridays are the busiest days of the week for pizza places,

because Fridays produce the most drunk people out of any day of the week.
because Fridays produce the most drunk people out of any day of the week.

So I was pretty happy to have that day off.
So I was pretty happy to have that day off.

But there was a slight catch:
But there was a slight catch:

the day before my boss was like,
the day before my boss was like,

"Hey, I know it's your day off tomorrow and it's Friday,
"Hey, I know it's your day off tomorrow and it's Friday,

but we're running a new promotion,
but we're running a new promotion,

and if we get too busy, I'm gonna have to call you
and if we get too busy, I'm gonna have to call you

and you're gonna have to come in."
and you're gonna have to come in."

Well, well, well, look at me,
Well, well, well, look at me,

the person to call if there's a pizza emergency.
the person to call if there's a pizza emergency.

That's right, I'm gonna be on call,
That's right, I'm gonna be on call,

like I'm a fucking emergency room doctor.
like I'm a fucking emergency room doctor.

"What's that? Somebody needs an emergency baboon heart transplant?
"What's that? Somebody needs an emergency baboon heart transplant?

I'm on my way!"
I'm on my way!"

"What's that, somebody ordered a fuck ton of pepperoni P'Zones?
"What's that, somebody ordered a fuck ton of pepperoni P'Zones?

I'm on my way!"
I'm on my way!"

So I'm out enjoying my Friday night at a...
So I'm out enjoying my Friday night at a...

Well, it's a fucking Wendy's because I'm broke as hell,
Well, it's a fucking Wendy's because I'm broke as hell,

and, of course, it doesn't take long before I get that phone call,
and, of course, it doesn't take long before I get that phone call,

"Oh yeah, hey, it's me, your pizza boss.
"Oh yeah, hey, it's me, your pizza boss.

Uhm, everybody and their dad decided to call off today,
Uhm, everybody and their dad decided to call off today,

and I'm gonna need you to come in, because it's the goddamn pizzapocalypse.
and I'm gonna need you to come in, because it's the goddamn pizzapocalypse.

Now, this Wendy's that I was at
Now, this Wendy's that I was at

just so happened to be across the street from the pizza place.
just so happened to be across the street from the pizza place.

So like the world's shittiest superhero
So like the world's shittiest superhero

I run out of the Wendy's like the fucking building's on fire,
I run out of the Wendy's like the fucking building's on fire,

I don't even bother to grab my bike that's chained up,
I don't even bother to grab my bike that's chained up,

I just run across the street like a psychopath.
I just run across the street like a psychopath.

I burst onto the scene like Darkwing Duck, my boss is like,
I burst onto the scene like Darkwing Duck, my boss is like,

"Oh, thank God you're here,
"Oh, thank God you're here,

this new promo is really slamming our dicks in a car door!"
this new promo is really slamming our dicks in a car door!"

So I get in the kitchen and the only cook that is there besides me
So I get in the kitchen and the only cook that is there besides me

is this kid named Debbie, that's not his real name of course.
is this kid named Debbie, that's not his real name of course.

I just call him Debbie because he makes pizzas like a slut,
I just call him Debbie because he makes pizzas like a slut,

and Debbie is the sluttiest name I could think of.
and Debbie is the sluttiest name I could think of.

So there we are, me and Debbie, the Laverne & Shirley of pizza making,
So there we are, me and Debbie, the Laverne & Shirley of pizza making,

I didn't even put on an apron, I'm in street clothes and shit.
I didn't even put on an apron, I'm in street clothes and shit.

People at the register are looking in the back like,
People at the register are looking in the back like,

"What the hell, did they just pull a crackhead off the street
"What the hell, did they just pull a crackhead off the street

to start making pizzas?!"
to start making pizzas?!"

But it doesn't matter, because it's absolute pandemonium at this pizza place.
But it doesn't matter, because it's absolute pandemonium at this pizza place.

I don't know what the hell kind of deal we were running back then,
I don't know what the hell kind of deal we were running back then,

but it was like, "Buy a medium one-topping and get a...
but it was like, "Buy a medium one-topping and get a...

fucking bag of methamphetamine for free!"
fucking bag of methamphetamine for free!"

Something like that, I don't know.
Something like that, I don't know.

We got the phones ringing off the hook,
We got the phones ringing off the hook,

the ticket machine is spewing out orders like it's possessed by the devil.
the ticket machine is spewing out orders like it's possessed by the devil.

And it's so damn hot in this kitchen, that it feels like
And it's so damn hot in this kitchen, that it feels like

you're fucking working next to the mean-ass sun from Mario 3 and shit.
you're fucking working next to the mean-ass sun from Mario 3 and shit.

Meanwhile our boss is nowhere to be found,
Meanwhile our boss is nowhere to be found,

because he's too busy fucking texting people in the bathroom.
because he's too busy fucking texting people in the bathroom.

You got Debbie's ass freaking out trying to man the ovens,
You got Debbie's ass freaking out trying to man the ovens,

he's got a look of sheer panic on his face.
he's got a look of sheer panic on his face.

Not to mention dumbass orders that are coming in left and right from the counter.
Not to mention dumbass orders that are coming in left and right from the counter.

"Uh, do you guys think
"Uh, do you guys think

you could stuff the crust with a hotdog instead of cheese?"
you could stuff the crust with a hotdog instead of cheese?"

"Yeah, I need a pizza that's topped with... you guys got pickles?
"Yeah, I need a pizza that's topped with... you guys got pickles?

I'll take pickles, and, I don't know...
I'll take pickles, and, I don't know...

how about a bag of Monopoly tokens?"
how about a bag of Monopoly tokens?"

"Uh, yeah, can you guys spell out,
"Uh, yeah, can you guys spell out,

'Sorry I beat up your mom's new boyfriend,' with the pepperonis?"
'Sorry I beat up your mom's new boyfriend,' with the pepperonis?"

With all these orders coming in
With all these orders coming in

it doesn't take Debbie very long to start to screw up,
it doesn't take Debbie very long to start to screw up,

all of a sudden pizza starts falling off the oven all willy-nilly.
all of a sudden pizza starts falling off the oven all willy-nilly.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm doing!
"I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm doing!

Oh God, there's so much pizza!"
Oh God, there's so much pizza!"

So now I start doing the job of three people,
So now I start doing the job of three people,

while Debbie sits on a fucking stool,
while Debbie sits on a fucking stool,

because he's more harm than good at this point.
because he's more harm than good at this point.

I'm making all the pizzas,
I'm making all the pizzas,

I'm taking them out of the ovens,
I'm taking them out of the ovens,

hell, I'm even taking orders over the phone when I have to!
hell, I'm even taking orders over the phone when I have to!

"Uh, you want a pizza with just mushrooms on it?
"Uh, you want a pizza with just mushrooms on it?

What kind of sick pervert only wants just mushrooms?"
What kind of sick pervert only wants just mushrooms?"

And this shit goes on for hours and hours.
And this shit goes on for hours and hours.

I've no idea how many orders we did that day.
I've no idea how many orders we did that day.

But I can tell you that fucking pizza place
But I can tell you that fucking pizza place

should've erected a 12-foot statue of my ass out front
should've erected a 12-foot statue of my ass out front

for the endeavors that I went through.
for the endeavors that I went through.

Hell, things don't finally start to die down until it's damn near closing time.
Hell, things don't finally start to die down until it's damn near closing time.

And before we can go home,
And before we can go home,

we got to scrub the whole kitchen down to make it all sparkly clean.
we got to scrub the whole kitchen down to make it all sparkly clean.

Well, of course, as soon as we get done scrubbing the shit out of everything,
Well, of course, as soon as we get done scrubbing the shit out of everything,

our boss comes in like,
our boss comes in like,

"Hey, some lady just called and she said you burnt the shit out of her pizza.
"Hey, some lady just called and she said you burnt the shit out of her pizza.

Can you remake it real quick?"
Can you remake it real quick?"

So now we got to redirty the goddamn kitchen for one stupid-ass pizza,
So now we got to redirty the goddamn kitchen for one stupid-ass pizza,

which I think is bullshit to begin with,
which I think is bullshit to begin with,

because I don't burn pizzas.
because I don't burn pizzas.

Hell, I make the prettiest pizzas this side of the Mississippi!
Hell, I make the prettiest pizzas this side of the Mississippi!

Whoever this lady is is a bullshitter and she's just trying to get a free pizza.
Whoever this lady is is a bullshitter and she's just trying to get a free pizza.

Well, imagine my surprise when my boss walks in again,
Well, imagine my surprise when my boss walks in again,

and he's like, "Hey, that same lady just called.
and he's like, "Hey, that same lady just called.

She said it was supposed to be a pepperoni pizza,
She said it was supposed to be a pepperoni pizza,

you put a bunch of nasty mushrooms on it instead."
you put a bunch of nasty mushrooms on it instead."

And I'm like, "Wait a goddamn minute,
And I'm like, "Wait a goddamn minute,

I remember that lady, I took her order.
I remember that lady, I took her order.

I distinctly remember her ordering just mushrooms,
I distinctly remember her ordering just mushrooms,

because again, what kind of fucking pervert orders just mushrooms?"
because again, what kind of fucking pervert orders just mushrooms?"

"Uh, yeah, Mr. Pizza Boss, with all due respect,
"Uh, yeah, Mr. Pizza Boss, with all due respect,

that lady is a fucking lying scorpion woman."
that lady is a fucking lying scorpion woman."

"Look, can you just remake it, I want to get out of here.
"Look, can you just remake it, I want to get out of here.

If you need me, I'll be in the bathroom."
If you need me, I'll be in the bathroom."

(Whistles)
(Whistles)

So there we go, making this lady's third pizza, two minutes to close.
So there we go, making this lady's third pizza, two minutes to close.

And I'm not gonna lie,
And I'm not gonna lie,

I was tempted to lick every single one of those goddamn pepperonis
I was tempted to lick every single one of those goddamn pepperonis

like a fucking postage stamp.
like a fucking postage stamp.

Relax, relax, I didn't do it.
Relax, relax, I didn't do it.

I'd never mess with somebody's food, no matter how badly they deserve it.
I'd never mess with somebody's food, no matter how badly they deserve it.

So we get this lady's pizza done, and finally we get a chance to close up.
So we get this lady's pizza done, and finally we get a chance to close up.

Me and Debbie are sitting outside,
Me and Debbie are sitting outside,

looking like we just fucking stormed the beaches of Normandy.
looking like we just fucking stormed the beaches of Normandy.

All of a sudden out in the parking lot we a see a guy in a bike pull up,
All of a sudden out in the parking lot we a see a guy in a bike pull up,

then another guy in a pickup truck pulls up right behind him.
then another guy in a pickup truck pulls up right behind him.

And it's pretty dark outside,
And it's pretty dark outside,

so it's hard to make out what's going on or who's out there.
so it's hard to make out what's going on or who's out there.

But we see these two guys load up the bike in the back,
But we see these two guys load up the bike in the back,

and then they take off.
and then they take off.

"Huh, well, that was weird. I wonder what that was all about."
"Huh, well, that was weird. I wonder what that was all about."

But it wasn't until I went back to Wendy's to pick up my 10-speed
But it wasn't until I went back to Wendy's to pick up my 10-speed

that I found out that I didn't have a fucking 10-speed anymore.
that I found out that I didn't have a fucking 10-speed anymore.

And at first it didn't even register what the hell happened,
And at first it didn't even register what the hell happened,

I was standing there for like 15 seconds, like...
I was standing there for like 15 seconds, like...

♪ ♪
♪ ♪

Oh, God damn it! I just watched my own bike get stolen!
Oh, God damn it! I just watched my own bike get stolen!

So after that I walked the fuck home,
So after that I walked the fuck home,

and that's the conclusion of my worst work day ever.
and that's the conclusion of my worst work day ever.

Actually, it doesn't quite end there.
Actually, it doesn't quite end there.

Remember the mushroom/pepperoni pizza lady that lied her ass off?
Remember the mushroom/pepperoni pizza lady that lied her ass off?

Well, before I left work I took her order ticket,
Well, before I left work I took her order ticket,

because it had her phone number on it,
because it had her phone number on it,

and when I got home late at night I called her on the old telephone.
and when I got home late at night I called her on the old telephone.

"Hello? Hello, is anybody there?"
"Hello? Hello, is anybody there?"

- Why did you lie to me? - What? Who is this?
- Why did you lie to me? - What? Who is this?

"You lied, I know you lied.
"You lied, I know you lied.

Just know that I may or may not have licked all the pepperonis."
Just know that I may or may not have licked all the pepperonis."

(Click!)
(Click!)

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