Hey, I'm Patton Oswalt
Hey, I'm Patton Oswalt

and it's time for "Ask A Comedian"
and it's time for "Ask A Comedian"

so I'll hop out of this chair
so I'll hop out of this chair

and you can bring one in.
and you can bring one in.

(Patton laughs)
(Patton laughs)

Right, guys?
Right, guys?

'Cause...
'Cause...

What you fucking flipping me off for?
What you fucking flipping me off for?

The first time I went on stage,
The first time I went on stage,

I was probably trying to be like George Carlin
I was probably trying to be like George Carlin

and then once I got going, it was always my friends
and then once I got going, it was always my friends

and I was always being influenced.
and I was always being influenced.

I had to embrace the influences and then grow out of them.
I had to embrace the influences and then grow out of them.

So it was people like Mark Voyce.
So it was people like Mark Voyce.

It was people like Brian Posehn and Karen Kilgariff.
It was people like Brian Posehn and Karen Kilgariff.

It was just different voices
It was just different voices

that eventually led me to my own,
that eventually led me to my own,

but it took some time,
but it took some time,

so don't have anxiety
so don't have anxiety

if you're sounding like someone when you're beginning,
if you're sounding like someone when you're beginning,

'cause you're gonna do that,
'cause you're gonna do that,

and then you'll figure out your own thing.
and then you'll figure out your own thing.

The most memorable city I've ever performed in
The most memorable city I've ever performed in

was Milwaukee, Wisconsin
was Milwaukee, Wisconsin

because I did a club called Sir Laughs-a-Lot.
because I did a club called Sir Laughs-a-Lot.

That was its actual name
That was its actual name

and the club, I'm not kidding, was in a hotel,
and the club, I'm not kidding, was in a hotel,

and under the hotel's giant, grand staircase
and under the hotel's giant, grand staircase

they piled massive exercise mats on either side of it,
they piled massive exercise mats on either side of it,

and in that space was the comedy club.
and in that space was the comedy club.

So I performed under a set of stairs
So I performed under a set of stairs

like a frigging goblin and I was treated as such.
like a frigging goblin and I was treated as such.

(Patton yells)
(Patton yells)

What I remember about being on "Seinfeld"
What I remember about being on "Seinfeld"

was it was my first paid acting gig,
was it was my first paid acting gig,

so I was really nervous.
so I was really nervous.

You could tell how nervous I was.
You could tell how nervous I was.

I had two lines, and I'm just going over them in my head
I had two lines, and I'm just going over them in my head

and "Oh, I'm gonna screw this up."
and "Oh, I'm gonna screw this up."

I've been to four other places.
I've been to four other places.

You're the only ones that have had it.
You're the only ones that have had it.

Well, I can put her on reserve for you if you'd like.
Well, I can put her on reserve for you if you'd like.

Jason Alexander was in the scene with me
Jason Alexander was in the scene with me

and I will forever be in his debt
and I will forever be in his debt

because right before we shot he leaned in and said,
because right before we shot he leaned in and said,

"Still not too late to be fired, Patton."
"Still not too late to be fired, Patton."

And it made me laugh so hard.
And it made me laugh so hard.

It so broke the tension
It so broke the tension

and then I loosened up and I've been acting ever since.
and then I loosened up and I've been acting ever since.

(Patton laughs)
(Patton laughs)

I know exactly the moment when I felt like I had made it.
I know exactly the moment when I felt like I had made it.

It was 1993.
It was 1993.

I made $11,000 that year doing comedy.
I made $11,000 that year doing comedy.

I somehow made $11,000 for the whole year
I somehow made $11,000 for the whole year

and I didn't have to work a day job.
and I didn't have to work a day job.

And I was like, "I made it.
And I was like, "I made it.

This is great, I'm in."
This is great, I'm in."

And it's just been great ever since.
And it's just been great ever since.

Yeah, you're welcome.
Yeah, you're welcome.

Pretty good, pretty amazing.
Pretty good, pretty amazing.

Being fixated on pop culture, being fixated on anything,
Being fixated on pop culture, being fixated on anything,

sports, religion, films,
sports, religion, films,

is such great training as a comedian
is such great training as a comedian

because as a comedian, you tend to fixate
because as a comedian, you tend to fixate

and obsess on strange, little details that seem unimportant,
and obsess on strange, little details that seem unimportant,

but then you tie it in with something big
but then you tie it in with something big

and that ends up getting a big laugh
and that ends up getting a big laugh

or a big moment of recognition.
or a big moment of recognition.

You fixate on stuff.
You fixate on stuff.

That's kind of the nature of this business.
That's kind of the nature of this business.

Every superhero, they do the thing that everyone does
Every superhero, they do the thing that everyone does

the minute you lose the loved one.
the minute you lose the loved one.

You know what I'm talking about?
You know what I'm talking about?

CrossFit and martial arts.
CrossFit and martial arts.

That's the first thing you do.
That's the first thing you do.

It's not a question of what's harder, stand up or acting.
It's not a question of what's harder, stand up or acting.

They're such different beasts that for me,
They're such different beasts that for me,

acting is more, more rewarding,
acting is more, more rewarding,

but standup is so much more fun
but standup is so much more fun

and I'm never gonna want to give up that fun.
and I'm never gonna want to give up that fun.

But I also like the challenge of,
But I also like the challenge of,

'cause I don't think I'm a great actor,
'cause I don't think I'm a great actor,

so I really have to work at it,
so I really have to work at it,

and when I can really nail a scene,
and when I can really nail a scene,

it feels so great when I do it.
it feels so great when I do it.

So I don't want to give up either of those thrills.
So I don't want to give up either of those thrills.

Because I need magic in my life.
Because I need magic in my life.

I'm trying to play it cool about
I'm trying to play it cool about

my excitement of playing Matthew the Raven,
my excitement of playing Matthew the Raven,

but I have been into Neil Gaiman's "Sandman" comics
but I have been into Neil Gaiman's "Sandman" comics

since the first issue.
since the first issue.

I picked it up in college.
I picked it up in college.

I stood in line for three hours in San Francisco in 1992
I stood in line for three hours in San Francisco in 1992

so that he would sign my hardback of "Season of Mists."
so that he would sign my hardback of "Season of Mists."

I've since become friends with him.
I've since become friends with him.

It's a big fucking deal.
It's a big fucking deal.

America has spoken.
America has spoken.

Pile my food in a fucking bowl like I'm a dog.
Pile my food in a fucking bowl like I'm a dog.

I don't give a shit anymore.
I don't give a shit anymore.

As far as corporate fast food products getting more extreme
As far as corporate fast food products getting more extreme

they have been getting more extreme,
they have been getting more extreme,

but I've had to disconnect myself from them.
but I've had to disconnect myself from them.

They've gotten so crazy that to me
They've gotten so crazy that to me

it feels like a shadow document of the coming apocalypse
it feels like a shadow document of the coming apocalypse

when they're making sandwiches
when they're making sandwiches

where the bread is the fried chicken,
where the bread is the fried chicken,

or they're putting mac and cheese,
or they're putting mac and cheese,

but they're inside of fries.
but they're inside of fries.

I don't know what they're doing now.
I don't know what they're doing now.

They're tampering with the laws of physics.
They're tampering with the laws of physics.

They're gonna rip open a hole.
They're gonna rip open a hole.

They're gonna try to put a whole turkey dinner
They're gonna try to put a whole turkey dinner

into a single french fry, and it's gonna rip reality
into a single french fry, and it's gonna rip reality

and dinosaurs are gonna come through and eat everybody.
and dinosaurs are gonna come through and eat everybody.