- Now don't forget that granny just cooked
- Now don't forget that granny just cooked

a whole pack of bacon
a whole pack of bacon

and put it out on the dining room table for you kids.
and put it out on the dining room table for you kids.

Wouldn't want you getting hungry,
Wouldn't want you getting hungry,

especially not between second breakfast
especially not between second breakfast

and your pre-launch snack.
and your pre-launch snack.

Grandma would love to take you to the movies for a day
Grandma would love to take you to the movies for a day

of sneaking into shows we didn't pay for,
of sneaking into shows we didn't pay for,

but your mom says you need to get your English grades up.
but your mom says you need to get your English grades up.

So homework it is. I mean, she has a point.
So homework it is. I mean, she has a point.

A C minus, come on, kid. You speak English.
A C minus, come on, kid. You speak English.

Oh sure, you can paint granny's nails,
Oh sure, you can paint granny's nails,

but you better have the right materials for the job.
but you better have the right materials for the job.

I need something that dries quickly
I need something that dries quickly

and really draws attention to the middle finger
and really draws attention to the middle finger

when I'm on the freeway.
when I'm on the freeway.

Oh my, come here and give grandma a big hug,
Oh my, come here and give grandma a big hug,

but only if you're okay with that.
but only if you're okay with that.

Grandma loves respecting your personal boundaries
Grandma loves respecting your personal boundaries

just as much as she loves getting
just as much as she loves getting

to blame her lifelong aversion to doing chores
to blame her lifelong aversion to doing chores

on being too old to keep up with things now.
on being too old to keep up with things now.

Well, almost as much.
Well, almost as much.

Welcome to grandma's house, children.
Welcome to grandma's house, children.

I've spent the entire morning cleaning up.
I've spent the entire morning cleaning up.

So don't touch anything,
So don't touch anything,

especially not that priceless collection of porcelain dolls
especially not that priceless collection of porcelain dolls

that I have put easily within your reach, okay?
that I have put easily within your reach, okay?

We're gonna control our impulses today, all right?
We're gonna control our impulses today, all right?

Aren't you the cutest little thing?
Aren't you the cutest little thing?

Why, I still remember when I was in diapers,
Why, I still remember when I was in diapers,

babbling nonsense, screaming my lungs out one moment,
babbling nonsense, screaming my lungs out one moment,

laughing with sheer glee the next.
laughing with sheer glee the next.

It was yesterday. Good times.
It was yesterday. Good times.

And that is why you are grandma's favorite, Sally.
And that is why you are grandma's favorite, Sally.

Now run along and enjoy the party.
Now run along and enjoy the party.

And don't forget to send your cousin Timmy over this way.
And don't forget to send your cousin Timmy over this way.

Ah, sweet Timothy.
Ah, sweet Timothy.

Want to hear why you are grandma's favorite?
Want to hear why you are grandma's favorite?

You want a life-size princess castle for your birthday?
You want a life-size princess castle for your birthday?

Sure thing. You want a kitten for Christmas?
Sure thing. You want a kitten for Christmas?

Well, why not go all out and get two?
Well, why not go all out and get two?

I love being a grandma.
I love being a grandma.

You get to make impulsive and reckless decisions
You get to make impulsive and reckless decisions

to spoil your grandkids and then your children have
to spoil your grandkids and then your children have

to manage the inevitable consequences.
to manage the inevitable consequences.

These really are the golden years.
These really are the golden years.

Not sure why everyone is so surprised
Not sure why everyone is so surprised

that I am good at being a grandma.
that I am good at being a grandma.

Being around children
Being around children

is a lot like being around dumb people.
is a lot like being around dumb people.

And I've been doing that my whole life.
And I've been doing that my whole life.

It's second nature to me by now.
It's second nature to me by now.

Oh, Jason, I've found just the perfect girl for you.
Oh, Jason, I've found just the perfect girl for you.

It's my hairdresser's friend's niece. Her name is Tiffany.
It's my hairdresser's friend's niece. Her name is Tiffany.

I think you'd really get along with her.
I think you'd really get along with her.

I don't know what she looks like or anything about her,
I don't know what she looks like or anything about her,

but here's her phone number.
but here's her phone number.

She's expecting to hear from you.
She's expecting to hear from you.

Jason, by the time I was your age,
Jason, by the time I was your age,

I was married with four kids.
I was married with four kids.

I'm just trying to help you out
I'm just trying to help you out

because whatever you're doing isn't working.
because whatever you're doing isn't working.

So sorry to be a bother, dear.
So sorry to be a bother, dear.

But can you tell Siri to order grandma
But can you tell Siri to order grandma

some new craft supplies?
some new craft supplies?

She and I aren't talking right now.
She and I aren't talking right now.

She had some very unkind words for me the other day.
She had some very unkind words for me the other day.

- [Siri] I don't understand.
- [Siri] I don't understand.

- No one ever does.
- No one ever does.

I know you all think that all I do is lecture the family
I know you all think that all I do is lecture the family

and brow beat fast food employees
and brow beat fast food employees

when they get my order wrong, and that's all true,
when they get my order wrong, and that's all true,

but I'm retired now.
but I'm retired now.

What else am I supposed to do with my free time? Huh?
What else am I supposed to do with my free time? Huh?

Play bridge? That's what old ladies do.
Play bridge? That's what old ladies do.

You might be wondering why your grandmother
You might be wondering why your grandmother

is on her fourth glass
is on her fourth glass

of vitamin enriched liquid meal replacement.
of vitamin enriched liquid meal replacement.

Truth be told, one of my lifelong goals has been
Truth be told, one of my lifelong goals has been

to achieve immortality.
to achieve immortality.

If all goes according to plan,
If all goes according to plan,

I'll outlive everyone in this room.
I'll outlive everyone in this room.

No offense, baby Jackson.
No offense, baby Jackson.

What a gentle, thoughtful, and insightful child you are.
What a gentle, thoughtful, and insightful child you are.

I guess you're an old soul just like your granny.
I guess you're an old soul just like your granny.

Although I guess now I'm just a soul.
Although I guess now I'm just a soul.

(sighs) Really missing the days
(sighs) Really missing the days

when I was ahead of the curve.
when I was ahead of the curve.

You want a bedtime story?
You want a bedtime story?

How about we read one of grandma's favorite books.
How about we read one of grandma's favorite books.

It's called Grandparenting Like Your Life Depends On It.
It's called Grandparenting Like Your Life Depends On It.

You know, I didn't read a single parenting book
You know, I didn't read a single parenting book

when your mother was born
when your mother was born

and we both know how that turned out.
and we both know how that turned out.

What do you mean you want to watch YouTube?
What do you mean you want to watch YouTube?

When I was a girl, we used to go to the malt shop
When I was a girl, we used to go to the malt shop

and enjoy a soda pop with our best friends.
and enjoy a soda pop with our best friends.

These days, the magic is gone
These days, the magic is gone

and kids just live out their lives
and kids just live out their lives

in these lonely little digital bubbles.
in these lonely little digital bubbles.

But on the other hand,
But on the other hand,

that Frank James is a handsome young man.
that Frank James is a handsome young man.

Yo, check out these cool designs you could be wearing
Yo, check out these cool designs you could be wearing

on your own body.
on your own body.

Tap the icon on the screen,
Tap the icon on the screen,

or go to the link in the description.
or go to the link in the description.

You could be drinking out of cups
You could be drinking out of cups

and repping your favorite YouTube channel which is this one.
and repping your favorite YouTube channel which is this one.

Till next time, stay cool and attractive.
Till next time, stay cool and attractive.