thanks for staying up with us we're so
happy that you're here on tonight's show
we'll be chatting with minnie driver
later we got a performance from benny
blanco and gracie abrams you don't miss
that
good names those good names minnie
driver
benny blanco gracie abrams that is top
level
top level celebrity namage yeah do you
think
yeah minnie driver benny blanco
gracie abrams who else would you put in
there who's got a name where they can
only be
a celebrity army hammer army okay
[Laughter]
okay
yes yes yes i will
yeah right it's a name
[Music]
i got taraji p hansen taraji p henson
lou diamond phillips yes and you know
who else gone
reggie watts reggie what's good right i
put reggie in there oh reggie watts
you know what i think of paddy lupone
there's no way paddy lupone works in
accounts at a firm
do you know what i mean you don't get to
like a you know i don't know a dental
surgery and she says oh i'm your dentist
paddy lupone
it doesn't work you can only be a
broadway star
right do you think charlize there are
yes
although it's not theron it's theron
it's farron charlie's theron oh that
could be anybody
but exactly i i hate to say this
she's wrong yeah yeah she's wrong
she i hate to say this is not for me to
say she's pronouncing her name
wrong it's feral and theron lies the
problem
[Laughter]
wow we are out of the blocks tonight
out guys the blocks do you still keep in
contact with patti lupone
dave oh i haven't heard from her in a
while but i'm hoping
she reaches out again yeah send her an
email now
come on
yeah send her an email now go on
go on you're not terrified no go on
go on send what should he send to paddy
lupone i think it should be hey paddy
just checking in all good love dave
go on i care why wouldn't you email
paddy lupone
seems inappropriate it was the most
thrilling moment of your life when we
were doing the one day more
and patti lupone was emailing back and
forth you
were on cloud 11.
i don't want to ruin that beautiful
relationship with you but i think if you
leave it too long it's ruined so that's
what i'm saying just a check-in he's
right
have you ever emailed paddy lupone
about stuff other than work no it's only
it's strictly been business
you're not friends no we're not no we're
not friends but you want to be friends
and i actually think you would be a good
friend to paddy lopez i mean she's a
living legend
there you go be friends yeah go on email
now
why why because she may
she might email back during the show
you know i think people are usually
afraid of success more than failure
yeah he's afraid that she's going to
email back and it's going to work out
yeah do you think i think so go on dave
please email paddy
email her and say where the she was
mentioned on the show tonight perfect
yeah hey paddy we're talking about you
on the show tonight
hope all's good yeah yo all my love
day ps
bro brunch is coming back
p.s things are opening up here in la
dot dot dot brunch dot dot dot question
mark
okay read it to us dave what does it say
all right dear ms lupone that's how i
address her of course yeah um james
brought you up in the monologue of
tonight's show
just wanted to let you know and hope all
is well
all my love all my love all my all my
love and respect
your dave
cause then she'll just think you've lost
the s which you'll know deep down you
haven't
i think this is how you can get into the
friend zone
if i had chris pratt's email i would
we'd be buddied up by now
is can i just ask is this gonna be in
the show before i email this to her
part of the risk well send it and we'll
see
i mean it's it's ready to send little
drum roll jay
it just went it just went set yeah
you sent me
[Music]
i think this is the start i think this
is the start of a beautiful friendship
i really really do imagine she stays
back
it who's this now look i've enjoyed this
chat i have
i've enjoyed it i've enjoyed it a lot
did it inform the american public
no have we strengthened democracy
by shining a light at key world events
we have not
so let's do that now and leap into the
biggest most essential
news stories of the day president
biden's dog
major is back at the white house
yeah you remember you remember there was
there was a biting incident
in the white house a couple of weeks ago
so the dog was sent away well
major has received additional training
and is now
back with the bidens unfortunately
it was training with seal team six and
he's now actually more dangerous
been a tough couple of weeks for major
though isn't it you know
to get back to the white house he had to
go through additional training
then he had to go through a nasty
confirmation battle in the senate
james oh james we got a patty lapone
no oh no oh my god
[Music]
[Applause]
i'm sorry that was lightning fast what
what does it say it just said oh wow i
shall watch
thank you okay now let's construct a
reply
no this is where it ends please this is
torture
does paddy lupone even know what you
look like no we've never met well then i
think it's a selfie
i think it's a selfie i think it's a
selfie no
no here's what you do turn around with
the camera so i'm in the background i'll
be like this
and you'd be like thumbs up be like
we're shooting now
everyone here loves you ps
brunch
yeah i gotta get a little closer okay
please observe covered protocols make
sure that you can see james in the
background
okay but dave i want you to give a
thumbs up that's it
okay great now send that back and put
dave and perth
come on she replied quick reply back
next time you're in la three of us
brunch
come on i can't please dave why don't
you want to be best friends with paddy
she's replied to you oh i've enjoyed
every day
sitting on this stage laughing at the
monologue up until today
[Laughter]
come on oh she's watching dave his eyes
are so pleading to me he just wants me
to get him out of it
well look rob you're the exact producer
of the show what should what should dave
do
a hundred percent invite patti lupone to
brunch
with james especially no i don't know i
think this is you and paddy i don't want
to encroach in this i just think it's
good to see in the show and then just
send back what i'll do is i'll i'll i'll
see what she i'll make
make sure she watches tonight no you're
not going to be like tomorrow no reply
no this is not a two-day this isn't a
two-day hangover
like come on you gotta send the phone
i'll send the photo send the photo
yeah and just put i love you so much it
hurts
just send something back like you're the
greatest
dave and then just brunch i can't
i can't ask her to brunch it's too it's
okay too humiliating
okay dinner
i think if i can i shall tell you what i
think happens
i think after this goes out if this
stays in
oh god this has this imagine if tonight
imagine you're kidding me we
in the show and she's like this guy is
so
weird you know what everything happens
i think this stays in we will do that
we'll see you right with that dave and i
think by this time tomorrow
paddy lupone has invited you to brunch
oh
i can't i can't okay so what are you
saying myself to do it i just says
you're the greatest in the photo you're
the greatest okay send it
okay it's gone
it's gone that's it wow
[Applause]
okay we got some difficult news for
coffee drinkers coffee prices are about
to surge
because the world is now facing a severe
coffee
shortage yes this could be tragic all
those people who have those mugs that
say don't even talk to me
until i have my coffee they we might
never speak to them again
a severe coffee shortage but
mountain dew code red still available
everywhere
chill vibes are sold baby
i'm not sure i like now it's going to be
even harder to convince your co-workers
when you're on zoom that there isn't
wine
in your coffee mug should i mean you'll
be like oh this is just coffee and
they're like
i haven't had to find coffee anyway it's
coffee janice
it's coffee do you know what to tell you
ian what would you freak out about if
there was a sudden worldwide shortage of
something
yeah this happened it was grape nuts
right i love i'm one of the people who
loves grape nuts and there was like a
big worldwide shortage of grape nuts and
i couldn't get grape nuts
why i don't know good chat
what would you what would you suffer if
there was a worldwide shortage of
something reg
uh either for loco or zima
well we're really killing these chats
guys we're really
thank god for patti lupone what's
what's something where you would be
upset yeah james
honestly coffee coffee's the one for me
yeah because of that keurig thing huh
[Applause]
it's either coffee or the chase sapphire
[Applause]
card
honestly if we're talking about it
honestly i would be most lost without my
ww
app
[Applause]
it's difficult to track my points
without it
any news dave any reply nothing it's
because you didn't ask a question
yeah now send did you get no
no no no no no no dave nelson did you
get the photo
i wasn't sure it went through no no no
why do you not want to open this
dialogue oh god i think we've really
we've done a lot with patti lupone
tonight's monologue i think we can just
do some more stories now
okay i i think patti lupone is sitting
there with adina manzell
and like alan coming like what if i
write back what do i write back and
they're having the same discussion
you're absolutely right audrey mcdonald
is going you got to reply and she's
going no i don't want to be too
she's probably really excited she's just
like oh this is so cool we've got like
this cool
young hip dude works at a cool show
so excited that they care about me yeah
and then you're just like no i'm going
to withhold my love
he's afraid of success
tim is on fire tonight what's happened
tim what's happened what did you do last
night
it's my anniversary today with my wife
[Applause]
thank you thank you thank you yeah
congrats let's get that
salad booth out
[Laughter]
oh god the worst thing about that salad
the worst thing about that salad booth
is it was
in rehearsals
[Laughter]
and we were like do we cut it we were
like well no because we
built it it's reggie's birthday
oh jeez it was so good
also amazing that we've said rehearsal
it was rehearsed
multiple times right mike yeah multiple
times and then
they still bought out the box too early
well oh god that sounded
like as soon as you're celebrated just
bring it out no
[Laughter]
oh god oh god
i don't know if anyone's watching but
i'm so happy
i'm so happy we get to do this every day
i really am oh god
and we wanted to tell you about this two
men
traveling out of an airport in india
were questioned by police because
of their odd hairstyles and it turns out
they were smuggling
almost 400 000 of gold and cash
underneath and we're not making this up
underneath their toupees
yeah obviously the men will use the
money
to pay someone accept that joke for what
it is it's a cry for help
that's all it is it's a cry for help it
really wasn't a good plan if you looked
closely you could tell
something was up
reg if you went totally bald what would
you do
shave it toupee comb over what what you
doing
uh you know i would i would probably get
like you know like a prosthetics
team to like make a perfect mold of my
my head
and then just make this like really
tight snap-on like lego style
so i could just snap on different
hairstyles that's a very good idea you
know
you should patent that yeah i will lego
heads
oh oh yeah hey rob do you think that
that might be possible definitely yes
what would you do ian statham i'd go
full state
statham you're absolutely right yeah the
malcolm corden is what i like to call it
i got malcolm gordon malcolm gordon hung
in there as long as he could
when when his hair was going he had he
had the the little the phil collins
do you know what i mean oh nice it was
just like it was like it was like a sort
of just a landing strip on the top of
his head
and as soon as that got too tragic he
just went bang took the lot off
yeah and i respect him for it there he
is
absolute beefcake and finally we wanted
to tell you about this
a company that owns several major fast
food
chains will now allow customers to order
food
via text message you can text orders to
kfc
taco bell and pizza hut i might start
sending texts to taco bell and pizza art
but i'm still
gonna do handwritten letters to shake
shack
because that's special you can now text
your fast food
order here's how it works you text them
the items you want you say i'd like to
order three
steak soft tacos a seven layer burrito a
nachos bell grande and six chicken
quesadas
and then you get an automated response
of your order is confirmed
also we're sorry she left sad face
you