“There's a nuclear holocaust, I'm the last man on Earth.
Would you go out with me?” “Eh.”
At first glance, Monica and Chandler are
extremely unlikely candidates for true love.
They start the show in very different places, romantically.
Chandler is afraid of commitment,
while Monica yearns for marriage and children.
“Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute.”
“No fair. I don't even have one. How come they get two?”
Their earliest meetings couldn’t have gone worse:
Chandler called Monica fat,
“I just don't want to be stuck here all night with your fat sister.”
and Monica was indirectly responsible for Chandler losing part of a toe.
“I'm sorry! It wasn't your whole toe!” “Yeah, well, I miss the tip!”
After this disastrous start,
the two remained just friends for almost a decade.
But after years of knowing each other,
Monica and Chandler hook up at a moment of mutual insecurity.
“Y’know what’s weird?” “What?”
“This doesn’t feel weird!” “I know.”
They discover that their sexual chemistry is insane—
and even crazier, that having sex doesn’t change
how they feel about each other as people.
Ultimately, Monica and Chandler became each other’s life partners
not because they were soulmates,
but because they were just really good friends.
“I mean two best friends falling in love,
how often does that happen?” “Not that often!”
Throughout their friendship, courtship, and eventual marriage,
Monica and Chandler also make fun of each other.
“You know, it’s funny.
I’ve been practicing the art of seduction myself! Hya!”
“You might wanna keep practicing.”
Bickering sitcom couples are nothing new,
but their humor often suggests a barely masked hostility.
We’re often left wondering,
“Why do these two even stay together if they hate each other?”
“Hate you.” “Hate you more.”
But that’s not the case with Monica and Chandler.
Through all the pranks and zingers, there’s always an undercurrent
of genuine affection and positive regard
to their relationship that just makes it work.
“We look at you and- and we see you together and it just…
It- It fits. Y’know?
And you just know it’s gonna last forever.”
So here’s our Take on what makes Monica and Chandler
different from all those other sparring sitcom couples—
and how their mocking each other connects to loving each other.
“You’re watching” “The Take.”
“Thanks for watching and be sure to share and subscribe.”
A huge thank you to Brilliant for sponsoring today’s video.
Brilliant is the best app to help you develop new problem solving skills
and analytical abilities, like say,
figuring out the likelihood of two friends dating.
They offer over 60 fun interactive courses
in math, science, and computer science.
Click the link in the description below,
Brilliant.org/TheTake to sign up for a free account now.
The first 200 people that go to the link
will get 20% off an annual premium subscription.
“What, am I not boyfriend material?”
“Well, no. You’re Chandler. Y'know, Chandler!”
Monica and Chandler’s relationship doesn’t look like the kind
of will-they-or-won’t-they romance that TV loves.
And this was by design.
Friends writer Scott Silveri told Vulture that
Chandler and Monica were always intended to be
the exact opposite of Ross and Rachel.
“If someone’s too high drama, you look for someone stable,”
Silveri said.
“And so with Monica and Chandler, we decided to roll out in a way
that was a reaction to the last big relationship.”
That began with keeping it casual.
As Silveri notes, the writers didn’t necessarily think
Monica and Chandler would be in it for the long haul.
“You and l, we're just nothing. Just goofing around.”
But the audience response to their hooking up was so huge,
the show couldn’t ignore it.
Still, even after the show decided to keep them together,
Monica and Chandler’s romance remained low-key—
certainly never as dramatic as Ross and Rachel,
whose relationship was an endless cycle of break-ups
and reconciliations, weddings and divorces,
and so many dramatic scenes at the airport.
“Please stay, I am so in love with you.”
Ross and Rachel were always linked by destiny,
even in their friends’ minds, and so their relationship was often
at the center of the show— and the group.
“See,
he's her lobster.”
But Monica and Chandler initially keep their relationship a secret,
specifically to avoid that kind of display and scrutiny.
“The reason we didn't tell anyone was
because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it.”
And not wanting to disrupt the natural order of things extends
to how they behave with each other.
Even after Monica and Chandler start dating officially,
their dynamic barely changes.
This is most evident in the way they continue making fun of each other.
“Why is your family Scottish?” “Why is your family Ross?”
From the very beginning,
Chandler openly mocks Monica’s neat freak tendencies,
her controlling nature, and her competitive streak.
“Someone’s left a glass on the coffee table.
There’s no coaster. It’s a cold drink, it’s a hot day.
Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer
to the surface of the wood…” “Stop it!”
Monica jokes about Chandler’s lack of emotional maturity,
his physical weakness, and his failures with other women.
“You always see these really beautiful women
with these really nothing guys, you could be one of those guys.”
“You could do that!”
We’ve long heard that
boys will make fun of or tease a girl they really like,
using humor as a way to mask their true feelings.
It’s a common playground practice that can actually be harmful—
“We're all encouraged...no, programmed… to believe that
if a guy acts like a total jerk… that means he likes you.”
It teaches women to settle for men who don’t really like them as people.
And pickup artists
have since weaponized this into negging,
subtly insulting a woman you’re interested in
to make her feel vulnerable and bring her down to your level.
But Chandler isn't negging Monica, or vice versa.
Mocking is just how these friends communicate—
they are, after all, on a sitcom.
Almost nothing is off limits,
“She- she- she's hurting me.”
“I know what you need, you need a bodyguard.
Hey Ross, what is Ben doing after preschool?”
Researchers have found that
some playful mocking actually strengthens bonds,
while many studies have found that a little light roasting is even good
for building camaraderie in the workplace.
“Stanley,
you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom, roasted.”
When it comes to romance, a 2018 study
at Martin Luther University of Halle-Wittenberg found that people
who are scared of being laughed at often report more dissatisfaction
with their relationships,
and are more likely to mistrust their partners.
Because Monica and Chandler are friends who laugh with—and even at each other—
their relationship story is already off to a strong start.
“You are so great, I love you.”
Behavioral scientist Peter McGraw theorizes that all humor,
from tickling to TikToks, stems from a benign violation.
“A violation occurs when a situation threatens the way that
you believe the world ‘ought’ to be,” he says.
“Simply put, something seems wrong.”
When Chandler mocks Monica for being controlling or demanding,
he’s pointing out her violation of norms:
This is not how a person ought to be.
“Once there was a dirty car in front of the building,
so I washed it.” “And?”
“And six others.” “There you are.”
But Chandler’s joking also says that her violation of norms is benign.
It’s okay that she’s this way.
“They can say that you're high maintenance,
but it's okay, because I like maintaining you.”
There is a sense of safety that comes from a place of familiarity,
based on their years of friendship.
When Al and Peg Bundy trade insults, there is an undercurrent of resentment:
They feel as though they are stuck with a person
they don’t even really like.
“Peg, if your father didn’t lace that lemonade with vermouth,
I’d still be single!”
But Chandler accepted Monica long ago—
and this acceptance differs from all his other relationships.
Chandler is often shown to be extraordinarily picky
when it comes to dating.
“All right, don't get hung up on it, quick, quick,
list five things you like about her:
Nice smile, good dresser… Big head, big head, big head!”
Before Monica,
he would harp on one tiny character flaw
until the whole relationship unraveled.
“And she gets this gross mascara goop thing
in the corner of her eye!”
Notably,
Chandler would always joke about these flaws to his friends.
“You name one woman that you broke up with
for an actual real reason.”
“Maureen Rosilla.”
“‘Cause she doesn’t hate Yanni is not a real reason.”
But he wouldn’t joke about these things with the woman.
Instead,
he would just break up with her, or force her to break up with him.
He would travel halfway around the world,
just to avoid confronting her directly.
“No, I want to see you take off!”
“Well then I guess I’m going to Yemen! I’m going to Yemen!”
The fact that, once Chandler is in a relationship with Monica,
he can still joke about her flaws— and do it directly to her face—
is proof that Chandler is exceptionally comfortable with her.
What’s more, Monica can dish it as good as she can take it,
creating a safe space for these benign violations to occur.
“Is that why you became a chef? So that people would like you?”
“Oh, you really want to talk about getting people to like you huh,
funny man?”
Monica and Chandler are also shown to be huge fans of pranks.
“You go back out there and you seduce her till she cracks!”
Many of their biggest relationship milestones
revolve around them:
They declare their love for each other at the end of a prank war
with Phoebe and Rachel.
“I love you, Monica.” “I love you too, Chandler.”
Chandler’s marriage proposal begins as a prank,
with Chandler trying to throw Monica off
in order to catch her by surprise.
“Why would anybody want to get married?”
“Why? To celebrate the relationship. To solidify the commitment.
To declare your love for one another to the world.”
“Eh.”
It ends with Monica turning the tables back on him.
“You wanted it to be a surprise.”
Even their decision to have children starts as Monica just messing
with Chandler,
“This is going to be fun. Watch me freak out Chandler.
Honey? I think we should try to have a baby.”
only for Chandler to call her bluff.
“But you said you were ready too.”
“Yeah but I was just screwing with you
to try to get your voice all high and weird like mine is now!”
There is a continuous sense of playfulness throughout, even
around the most momentous decisions of their lives.
It’s one that we’ve come to recognize in other classic sitcom couples
who laugh together— and even at each other—
but always with a safety net.
“I mean, I don’t know what it is but-” “Be honest.”
“I now find you repulsive.” “That’s honest. Alright, fair enough.”
This is key to the longevity of a relationship,
because it establishes security.
Jokes create space for expressing feelings
that seem scary to say out loud.
“Hi, I’m Chandler. I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.”
And we see that almost every one of Monica and Chandler’s
biggest emotional breakthroughs have a little mocking edge to them.
“You freaked out big time! Okay? And I fixed it!
We have switched places!
I am the relationship and king
and you are the crazy, irrational screw up!”
It’s just the way that Monica and Chandler tell
each other that, no matter what, everything will be okay.
Monica and Chandler’s love story demonstrates
what psychologist Carl Rogers called “unconditional positive regard.”
If a person feels supported, without judgment, Rogers theorized,
anyone has the power to overcome their feelings of inadequacy.
In a relationship guided by unconditional positive regard,
one person becomes a floor that the other can’t fall below.
And that firm footing gives them the ability to grow and change.
“Any surprises that come our way,
it’s okay, because I will always love you.”
“I was just lying there
and I couldn’t wait to just go hang out with my friends.
But with you... I was, you know, already with a friend.”
As we see from the beginning,
Monica and Chandler are both deeply insecure people.
Chandler hides behind humor as a defense mechanism,
“He's really funny!
I wouldn't wanna be there when- when the laughter stops.”
and he acts like someone
who thinks love will always decay into something toxic.
Monica maintains a neurotic control over her life,
and acts like someone
who doesn’t believe anyone could ever truly love her.
“I'm never gonna find a boyfriend again.”
They’re damaged—
and like most damaged people, it all stems from their parents.
“This is so exciting!
I thought we screwed you up so bad this day would never come.”
Monica was never the favorite in her family.
“That's because as far as my parents are concerned,
Ross can do no wrong.
Y'see, he's the prince.”
Her parents’ obvious preference for Ross,
combined with how she was treated for being overweight,
created a person
who’s obsessively competitive and desperate to please.
“Dr. Miller? P, E, C, F, D.” “Very good Monica!”
When a bet with Joey and Chandler forces her to trade apartments,
Monica has a meltdown over her loss of domain.
“I’m the hostess! Not those guys! I’m always the hostess!”
And this fear stems from her deeply ingrained insecurity:
If Monica’s not hosting,
some part of her thinks she won’t be invited.
These feelings are stirred up for her again at Ross’s wedding,
where Monica is left demoralized by her mother.
“I only hope my wedding looks this good.
“I just hope…”
“(Angrily) You can let some of them go by!”
And significantly, it’s at this moment
that she first decides to sleep with Chandler.
“Oh my God, you were so depressed
when Ross got married that you slept with Chandler!”
“I don’t care, she slept with me.”
Insecurity is also behind Monica’s other most significant relationship,
with the much older Richard Burke.
Well, that and other things.
“Dr. Burke is sexy?” “Oh god, absolutely.”
As one of her parents’ friends,
Richard gives her the unconditional positive regard
they never did.
“Look, this is the best relationship I've been in.”
“Oh, please! A relationship?” “Yes, a relationship!”
Still, their relationship is steeped in constant uncertainty.
Their age gap never stops being an issue.
“Uh, you guys see me as a dad?” “Oh yeah.”
“No!” “Nooo.”
And then there’s the fact
that Richard and Monica aren’t on the same page
when it comes to having children.
“I want to have a baby,
but I don’t want to have one with someone
who really doesn’t have one.”
When Richard reappears several years later
to tell Monica he wants her back, she seems to consider it—but again,
it’s in terms of her own insecurity.
“Now, this is a grown-up’s apartment!
Y’know, I- I should be with a grown-up, do you know what I mean?!”
Significantly, she chooses Chandler,
letting go of her ideas about what love should be,
in favor of their messier,
but ultimately more fulfilling connection.
“I never thought I would be so lucky…
as to… fall in love with my best… my best…
There’s a reason why girls don’t do this!”
Chandler’s self-esteem and feelings about love were also cemented
at an early age.
His romance novelist mother made love and sex seem dangerous.
“Yeah, well,
you wouldn't think it was cool if you're eleven years old
and all your friends are passing around page 79 of Mistress Bitch.”
His dad coming out and leaving the family created
fears of abandonment and only deepened his mistrust.
So whenever someone expresses love for Chandler,
he’s always looking for the other shoe to drop.
“So, I guess this is over.” “What?”
“Well, y'know, you and me, it had to end sometime.”
And these fears and trust issues are the root of Chandler’s sarcasm.
“When my parents got divorced is when I started using humor
as a defense mechanism.”
When Chandler first gets together with Monica,
he’s feeling demoralized, too.
His wedding toast bombs.
“I mean to think,
my friend getting married in Monty Hall.
Ohh, come on! Monty Hall! Let’s make a Deal!”
His humor is the one thing that got him attention and appreciation
—and it fails him.
And it’s Monica who gives him the positive regard
he so desperately needs.
“I was laughing.” “Out loud?”
“Well I didn’t want everyone to think I was stupid.”
In fact, Monica and Chandler go to great lengths
to not judge each other— like when Monica indulges
what she mistakenly thinks is Chandler’s fetish for shark porn.
“This is how much I love you.”
Or when Chandler finds Monica’s secret closet
and this revelation of her foibles is something he enjoys about her.
“He-he-he-he-he. You're messy.” “No, you weren't supposed to see this!”
“I married Fred Sanford!”
Contrast this with Ross and Rachel,
whose entire relationship is steeped in judgment:
who wronged each other first, who hurt each other more—
a perpetual tallying of grievances
that leaves their relationship forever unbalanced.
“We are so over!” “(crying) FINE BY ME!”
But Monica and Chandler have a perfect equanimity, no matter what.
“You opened all the presents without me?!
I thought we were supposed to do that together!”
“You kissed another woman!” “Call it even?!”
“Okay!”
They meet each other where they are, accepting each other as flawed messes—
which allows them to grow into better, stronger people together.
Chandler starts out as a sad clown
who seems destined to drive everyone else away.
“Just seems as though that maybe you have intimacy issues.
Y'know, that you use your humour as a way of keeping people at a distance.”
And he grows into a loving husband, father, and son—
even reconciling with his trans dad.
“Actually Monica and I are engaged.
We’d really love it if you could be there.”
“We?”
He quits his soul-crushing job and finds fulfillment
in a more creative field, all with the support of his wife.
“I have looked through a bunch of career guides,
photocopied and highlighted key passages
and put them into alphabetical folders so you can make an informed decision.
Monica begins as a controlling, neurotic Type A
with a very specific plan
for her career, marriage, and motherhood.
While she’s with Chandler, she finally gets that dream job.
“I LOVE MY NEW JOB!” “Honey, you're screaming.”
“YOU BET YOUR ASS I AM!”
But more importantly,
she grows into someone who’s able to weather uncertainty—
a long-distance marriage and her own infertility,
eventually even choosing
to leave the city for a quieter life in the suburbs.
“A street where our kids can ride their bikes…
and maybe an ice-cream truck can go by.”
Over the course of the show,
she and Chandler grow into two stable adults,
who are ready to take on anything, together.
“We’re so lucky.”
A close friendship doesn’t always lead to lasting romance—
just look at Rachel and Joey.
Despite having mutual respect, a long shared history,
and the ability to laugh and play with each other,
they can never quite seem to transcend their roles
as just friends.
“Well, how come Monica and Chandler could do it?”
“I guess they weren’t as good a friends as we are.”
Clearly there’s something unique to Monica and Chandler’s dynamic—
a friction that was expressed through mockery and teasing.
And this continues to be their spark.
“Well, I think it's safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined.”
“Eh, we weren't that close anyway.”
From Monica and Chandler we can learn that
It’s important to meet people where they actually are
in a relationship, not where you want them to be.
“You know when I said that
I want you to deal with relationship stuff
all on your own? Well, you're not ready for that.”
“I didn't think I was!”
We also see that laughter is often what holds a relationship together.
Finding someone you feel comfortable joking with—
and being comfortable with joking about each other—
can make you both feel more secure.
“You look cute in bubbles.” “Nah, you're just all liquored up.”
But there’s a difference between teasing and cruelty,
and someone who really loves you
will drop the jokes when you need genuine support.
“I called you fat?! I don't even remember that!”
“Well, I do.” “I am so sorry. I really am.”
Most importantly, we see that we can’t change our partners.
We can only make space for them to grow
and offer our unconditional positive regard
while they do.
And we can remind them that it’s okay to laugh at ourselves
“So you can balloon up or you can shrink down
and I will still love you.”
If you’re new here, be sure to subscribe
and hit the bell to be notified about all of our new videos.
Thank you to Brilliant for sponsoring today’s video.
Brilliant is a problem solving website
and app that offers math and science courses developed
by award winning professionals from MIT, Microsoft, and Google.
With Brilliant, learning isn’t just easy, it’s fun!
The app features daily challenges that teach you how to solve
math and science problems we face in real life.
Have you ever wondered what the probability of
snagging your favorite table at your local coffee shop is
or how your favorite characters can afford NYC apartments?
Check out the probability, statistics, and finance learning path
to strengthen your knowledge of fundamental probability
and statistics concepts.
So click the link in the description below,
Brilliant.org/TheTake, to sign up for free.
If you’re one of the first 200 people to click the link,
you’ll get 20% off an annual premium subscription.