“I love that word, 'relationship.' Covers all manner of sins, doesn't it?”
Love Actually has a reputation as a feel-good classic --
a holiday season staple that’s as hilarious as it is heartwarming.
"Now here's one for the lovers."
The 2003 film boasts a star-studded international cast,
acting in a loosely connected collection of vignettes
about how love is all around us, in its many different
and wondrous forms.
"Seems to me that love is everywhere."
But if we look closer, we can see that many of its ideas
about love are, well, kind of messed up,
even by romantic-comedy standards.
“I’m on shag highway, heading west!”
From infidelity to objectification to borderline stalking,
Love Actually’s version of love -- actually? It’s pretty unhealthy,
and not exactly something anyone should emulate.
Here are some of the film’s most Toxic Takeaways,
and what we can -- and shouldn’t -- learn from them.
“Yes, thank you, we're very happy.”
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Toxic Takeaway #1: Limerence Is The Same As Love
"She’s the coolest girl in school and everyone worships her
because she’s heaven."
Romantic comedies are often in love with the idea of The One --
the perfect, predestined soulmate who will make our lives complete.
But most romantic comedies aren’t about love.
They’re about limerence, a state of infatuation or obsession
with somebody that you’d like to have a relationship with.
"Invite him out for a drink and then after about twenty minutes,
casually drop into the conversation the fact that you’d like
to marry him and have lots of sex and babies.
"You know that?" "Yes."
Limerence can develop into genuine love,
but it’s defined largely by those affections being unrequited,
which often leads to unhealthy fixations
that are only intensified by their being unreciprocated.
"And she's not my girl. And she's going back to America.
That's the end of my life as I know it."
Love Actually offers us several examples of limerence,
and they all stem from male characters who idealize their dream girl
to the point of her being a total fantasy --
and occasionally, regardless of her own wishes.
“You've stayed rather close, haven't you?”
As Holly Williams wrote for The Independent,
the film “treats women like pawns in a male fantasy."
One of the most famous and obvious examples is Mark’s pursuit of Juliet,
the wife of his best friend, Peter.
Mark loves Juliet from afar, intentionally keeping her
at a distance, to the point where she’s convinced
Mark doesn’t even like her.
"But you never talk to me. You don’t like me."
Juliet remains an object of idealized limerence to Mark,
who reveals his fixation through the creepily obsessive footage
he films at her wedding --
"They’re all of me."
-- a video that literally cuts out everything but
his own narrow view of her.
"Don't show it around too much. Needs a bit of editing."
Meanwhile, Mark’s sole conversations with Juliet are cold and distant,
until, at last, he shows up at her house uninvited
to confess his love --
“Oh, hi.”
-- again, without ever actually talking to her.
Even the actor who played Mark, Andrew Lincoln,
has said he questioned this behavior with Love Actually director
Richard Curtis, telling Vanity Fair,
“I kept saying to Richard, ‘Are you sure I’m not going to come off
as a creepy stalker?’”
"It's a self-preservation thing, you see."
And he’s far from the only one to suggest it.
In a study on media portrayals of “persistent pursuit,”
psychologist Dr. Julia Lippman found that romantic movies
where these kinds of behaviors are portrayed as part of
a regular courtship could lead to “an increase in
stalking-supportive beliefs.”
"I watched him play with his son at the beach."
"Did you talk to him?" "Couldn't do it."
And while Juliet and Mark don’t end up together,
we still see Mark being rewarded for his persistence.
Mark’s inability to move past his limerence,
even after Juliet is happily married, is troubling in itself.
But it’s even more disturbing how Love Actually normalizes
his obsessive behavior -- even turning it into
an iconic romantic gesture.
We see an even more egregious example of limerence, not love,
in the story of Colin Firth’s Jamie, who becomes infatuated
with his Portuguese housekeeper, Aurelia.
“Er, je suis, er, très heureux de vous avoir ici.”
“Unfortunately, she cannot speak French, just like you.”
Since they don’t speak the same language,
Aurelia is little more than a blank canvas for Jamie
to project his fantasies onto: He’s unable to understand Aurelia
or get to know her in any meaningful way
beyond a superficial attraction.
The film does portray their growing feelings for each other as mutual.
"It’s my favorite time of day, driving you."
Yet it’s an unlikely, if not impossible romance
based solely in longing looks -- they fall in love
with versions of each other that they’ve largely invented.
Sam’s crush on his classmate Joanna can at least be excused by his age.
"Aren't you a bit young to be in love?"
Many psychologists have noted the connection between limerence
and the absence of love from our primary caregivers
in childhood.
And in Sam’s case, this would be understandable,
seeing as he’s just lost his mom -- who, in a blatantly Freudian twist,
is also named Joanna.
"And her name's Joanna?" "Yeah, I know. Same as Mum."
Sam idealizes Joanna, to the point where he creates
a fantasy version of himself just to get her attention.
"Girls love musicians, don’t they?" "Uh-huh."
"And I thought maybe if I was in the band
and played absolutely superbly, there's a chance that she
might actually fall in love with me."
And Sam knows little about Joanna except that she’s a singer --
and he admits that she barely knows him.
Yet he still claims she’s “the one.”
"There isn't just one person for each of us."
"There was for you. And there is for me. She’s the one."
In Love Actually, it’s never too early
to develop unhealthy ideas about romance.
Of course, the film doesn’t just put women on a pedestal.
It also turns them into lust objects.
This is most evident in its story about Colin,
whose failure to woo women does not prompt some intense self-examination
of his many faults.
"I’ve just worked out why I can’t find true love."
"Why’s that?” "English girls.
They’re stuck up, you see. And I’m primarily attracted
to girls who are, you know, cooler, game for a laugh."
Rather, it inspires Colin to head to Wisconsin,
to find girls who might be attracted to his accent.
"Any bar, anywhere in America, contains ten girls more beautiful
and more likely to have sex with me than the whole of the United Kingdom."
Incredibly, Love Actually rewards his fantasy as well:
Almost immediately, Colin meets several women,
who appear to be down for exactly that.
"Wait til Carol-Anne gets here. She’s crazy about English guys."
It’s a storyline that borders on pornography --
and one that says a lot about how Love Actually views women itself.
"Hello, you must be Tony. I heard you were gorgeous."
Toxic Takeaway #2: Falling For Your Boss Is Romantic
"Any chance of a dance with the boss?"
Love Actually suggests that not only will we eventually meet The One,
there’s a pretty good chance it’ll be at the office.
The film gives us several workplace romances --
many of them between employer and employee,
and quite a few of them involving older men lusting after a younger woman.
"Watch out that he keeps his hands off you.
20 years ago, you'd have been just his type." [laughs]
They’re love stories that, as any HR department will tell you,
are professionally inappropriate.
And in a MeToo age, especially, they feel even more
like workplace sexual harassment.
The romance between Jamie and Aurelia isn’t just between a man
and his fantasy. It’s one between a boss and employee --
and again, one who’s considerably younger.
"She's ten years too young to remember there was
a footballer called Eusebio."
Beyond their age difference, Aurelia is in
a uniquely vulnerable position: Not only can she not communicate
with Jamie, she’s literally there to serve him,
leaving him with complete control over her.
The married Harry likewise lusts after his own employee, Mia.
“You're looking very pretty tonight.”
“It’s for you. It’s all for you.”
Mia is new to the office, and Harry is her direct supervisor,
meaning their affair could have dramatic consequences
for both of them.
"How you doing, Mia? You settling in fine?
Learning who to avoid?"
Yet the film suggests that this is largely a problem for Harry:
It sets up Mia as a femme fatale,
"Full of dark corners, for doing dark deeds."
whose sexy outfits and flirtations pose a threatening temptation.
"I’ll just be hanging around under the mistletoe,
hoping to be kissed."
She’s made out to be a seductive villain,
who leads the decent man astray.
"When it comes to me, you can have everything."
This imbalance is perhaps most evident in the story of the Prime Minister,
David, who actually fires his staff member Natalie,
solely because he’s attracted to her -- and after deciding that his own lust
is too much of a distraction.
"I'm sure she's a lovely girl, but I wonder if you could, erm ...
redistribute her?"
David is contrasted against the more obviously lecherous American president,
"My goodness, that's a pretty little son of a bitch right there.
Did you see those pipes?"
so we’re meant to see David as charming --
and his implicit defense of Natalie as chivalrous.
"A relationship based on the President taking what he wants
and casually ignoring all those things that really matter to, erm, Britain."
Yet he doesn’t actually address the President’s harassment directly --
and in fact, he ends up punishing her.
Natalie even feels compelled to apologize.
"I'm so sorry about that day. I mean, I came into the room,
and he slinked towards me and there was a fire
and he's the President of the United States
and nothing happened, I promise."
There is obvious romantic tension between the two.
“I’m actually yours. With love, your Natalie.”
Still, there’s no question that the power dynamic between
Natalie and David is irrevocably skewed, and he’s willing to abuse it
whenever it suits him.
"That is so inconvenient."
Toxic Takeaway #3: Repress You True Feelings
The characters in Love, Actually are connected through bloodlines
and friendships, jobs and pure circumstance.
"Does Natalie live here?" "No, she lives next door."
But the thing that most unites them is their complete inability to communicate.
Again, Jamie and Aurelia have a clear language barrier --
but at least Jamie tries learning Portuguese.
Of course, this doesn’t make his reasoning for loving her
any clearer -- or more articulate.
Still, however misguided, at least Jamie is open with Aurelia.
There’s an even more insurmountable lack of communication
between the couples who can understand each other.
Sam spends his time pining after Joanna and even learning the drums,
rather than just telling her how he feels.
“Tell her that you love her!” “No way.”
And it goes without saying that Mark, Juliet, and Peter
might have all been better off if Mark had just been honest
about his affections sooner, rather than playing mind games
with Juliet, or letting his cue cards do the talking.
This emotional repression isn’t limited to the film’s romances.
Mark, after all, isn’t exactly open
with his friend Peter.
"I know you’re Peter’s best friend, and I know you’ve never
particularly warmed to me. But I just wanted to say,
I hope that can change."
Likewise, the friendship between aging pop-star Billy Mack
and his longtime manager Joe is marked by Billy’s open disrespect --
even contempt.
"I’ll be stuck in some dingy flat with me manager Joe,
ugliest man in the world."
When Billy eventually does find himself able to confess what Joe means to him,
he masks it behind more churlish aggression.
"I’ve gone and spent most of my life with a chubby employee.
It might be that the people I love is, in fact, you."
And he immediately covers up his emotions with more macho posturing.
"Let's get pissed and watch porn."
In Love Actually, even Daniel grieving his wife
is frowned upon.
"Get a grip. People hate sissies. No one’s ever gonna shag you
if you cry all the time."
Maybe some of this can be chalked up to these characters being British --
the English are not exactly known for being open with their emotions,
after all.
But they all have a troubling aversion to vulnerability,
even with the characters they supposedly want to share their lives with.
Sarah can admit she wants marriage and babies with Karl,
but she can’t even be open with him about her own life.
Just as the two are on the verge of acting on their attraction,
they’re interrupted by a call from her mentally ill brother --
a situation that Sarah downplays to Karl,
seemingly for fear of spoiling the fantasy.
"No, it's fine. It's fine. I mean, it's not really fine,
it is what it is, and sort of there being no parents now
and us being over here, it's my job to keep an eye on him.
I mean, not my job, obviously, I'm glad to do it."
Her reluctance to tell him the truth suggests she doesn’t really trust him --
and Karl’s reaction suggests he’s not really interested
in talking about it, anyway.
“Don’t answer?”
Meanwhile, Harry’s dalliance with Mia can be chalked up
to his inability to communicate directly not only with her, but with his wife.
"Explain to me again why you're so late?"
"Oh, for heaven's sake, woman. Can't a man have any secrets?"
Their marriage seems to have reached a rather cold impasse --
and it’s clear that they’ve grown distant.
"My expectations are not that high after 13 years
of Mr. Oh-But-You-Always-Love-Scarves."
Yet rather than talk about their problems,
they hide them behind a mask of passive-aggressive digs
and deflections.
“Mia’s very pretty.” “Is she?”
“You know she is, darling. Be careful there.”
Even after Karen discovers Harry’s betrayal with Mia,
she intentionally hides her pain.
Right up to the end, they can’t seem to be direct
with each other.
"Would you stay? Knowing life would always be
a little bit worse?"
And we’re left to wonder what each of them is really feeling --
and suspect that neither will ever really know as well.
"How are you?" "I’m fine. I’m fine."
Toxic Takeaway #4: Love Is About Grand Romantic Gestures
"It’s okay, we’ll go to the airport! I know a shortcut!"
Instead of just talking to each other, most of the couples in the film
communicate through the romantic comedy staple
of the "grand romantic gesture."
"But you know the thing about romance is people only get together
right at the very end."
These showy public declarations are the logical culmination
of a film that mistakes limerence for love,
disregards communication and respect, and always puts the men in control.
Thus we have spectacles like Jamie flying to Portugal,
gathering a crowd, then bringing them with him
to Aurelia’s job to propose.
Or David tracking down Natalie, knocking on random doors
until he finds her, then sharing a first kiss
that’s literally on stage.
The film suggests that, regardless of the actual relationship
you may have with someone, you can will love into being
by simply declaring it loudly and ostentatiously enough.
"You’ve seen the films, kiddo. It ain’t over til it’s over."
These moments certainly seem romantic, but they’re missing the one thing
that makes true love possible, and that the film is largely lacking:
intimacy.
Love Actually’s romances take place in front of audiences,
in crowded airports, or from behind the protective veil
of cue cards.
Love may be everywhere, like the film says,
but it only truly develops between two people,
away from everyone and everything else -- nurtured and earned
in a way that no big, romantic gesture could ever replace.
Despite all these toxic takeaways, there are some true love stories
in Love Actually.
For all their friction, Billy Mack and Joe do share
a genuine bond.
"It’s been an honor. I feel very proud."
Perhaps its most touching relationship is the one that develops
between Daniel and Sam, as stepfather and stepson.
And if you accept the 2017 charity special Red Nose Actually
as canon, Jamie and Aurelia, David and Natalie, and Sam and Joanna
are all still very much in love -- and Mark has moved on
to another fantasy object.
As screenwriter Emma Freud suggested on Twitter,
even Harry and Karen have probably stayed together,
if only by further quashing their feelings.
Ultimately, Love Actually is a film that’s all about
the sentiments and sensations of love, rather than the truths --
and of course, that doesn’t detract from how it makes us feel inside,
or how it makes us laugh.
"There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?"
"Duh."
Like any other holiday treat, there’s nothing wrong
with indulging in it -- so long as we recognize
that Love Actually is only about love, superficially.
"If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find
that love actually is all around."
Hi everyone, I'm Susannah. I'm Debra.
And we're the creators of The Take.
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