[light piano music]
You've probably heard the old adage,
"Boys don't cry"
That sentiment has been floating around
in our culture for a very long time.
It's a curious phrase though, isn't it?
When we hear someone say
"Boys don't cry",
we know it isn't meant literally.
That is, we know that boys,
and by extension men, do, in fact, cry.
We see it all the time.
Both in real life -
and at the movies.
Even tough guy characters cry, occasionally.
So, what does that phrase really mean?
Well, "boys don't cry" is an assertion of
a cultural ideal for manhood.
Spencer: "Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry."
What most people mean is closer to,
"Boys aren't supposed to cry."
Daniel Plainview: "Stop crying, you sniveling ass! Stop your nonsense!"
But even that isn't entirely accurate.
Because there are a few situations where crying is permitted.
Ron Swanson: "Crying, acceptable at funerals, and the Grand Canyon."
So, the more accurate statement would be,
"Boys aren't supposed to cry, except under a narrow set of circumstances."
It doesn't really have the same ring to it.
Romeo: (crying) "I defy you stars!"
But it's that narrow set of circumstances that we're going to focus on
in this video.
Because those moments of vulnerability, however brief, can tell us a lot about
the construction of masculinity.
Now, I wanna be clear that the inclusion of a movie or a TV show in this video,
does not necessarily equal criticism of it.
In many of the examples we'll be looking at, the tears are entirely appropriate.
Some of the scenes are incredibly powerful,
and the actors' performances truly inspired.
Roy: "Like... tears... in rain."
As with most of my video essays, I'm primarily concerned with
examining over-arching media patterns,
and looking at how those patterns help shape social norms in our larger culture.
Darcy: "Woah."
Lloyd: "I feel like crying."
Of course, all men aren't painted with the same cinematic brush.
Chiron: "Shit, I cry so much sometimes, I feel like I'ma just turn into droplets."
Since they haven't yet entered into manhood, boys and teenager are usually
given more emotional leeway on screen.
Earl: "It's enough to make a grown man cry -
but not this man.
Get back in there, tear." [pop]
And because of hyper-masculine stereotypes about black and brown men,
the allowable window for vulnerability can be even smaller
than it is for white heroes.
Eric: "Just sick of everyone treating me like shit."
Gay men in media, meanwhile, tend to be represented as being
more emotionally expressive than their straight counterparts
Even though we all understand
that men and boys do cry,
there's still an unwritten rule that men
are only allowed to openly and sincerely cry
in a small handful of social situations.
Think of it like an emotional window,
wherein men can display a measure of vulnerability -
without jeopardizing their manhood status.
The more extreme the situation,
the more unrestrained the crying can be.
So for instance, if a male character begins to sob in a dramatic role,
audiences have learned this means
whatever is going on, it must be
really, really unthinkably bad -
like never-going-to-see-his-family-again bad,
or just-killed-a-whole-bunch-of-people bad,
Anakin: "I killed them."
or did-cannibalism bad.
Patrick: "I ate some of their brains."
Curtis: "I know what people taste like."
Frank: "Soylent Green is made out of people."
Now, admittedly, Soylent Green is on the
far end of the spectrum.
The most common set of circumstances,
where the crying window opens,
involve death.
Usually, the death of a loved one.
Forrest: "And I miss you, Jenny."
Especially if they have been victimized in some way.
[sob]
This can include tears relating to an
impending death,
or a breakdown immediately following
a near-death experience.
War, in particular, is often represented
as a setting that provides access
to those extreme situations,
when it's socially permissible to be openly vulnerable with others -
but at a tragic cost.
It's also sometimes permissible
for men to shed tears relating to personal failure.
Alfred: "You trusted me... and I failed you."
Though it has to be a great failure,
like the failure to provide or protect.
Occasionally, that can include the failure of a marriage -
but more often it's the failure
to stop a catastrophe.
The crying window also opens briefly
in another social arena.
Jimmy: "There's no crying - there's no crying in baseball!"
[woman sobbing]
Tom Hanks is a funny man,
but he is wrong in that scene -
there IS crying in baseball
And in other men's sports.
Rocky: "This is the greatest night in the history of my life!"
But notice it's only around particularly
heightened moments of competition -
like the final game of the season,
or qualifying for the playoffs.
These intense situations may be
the only time all year where a grown man
gets to cry in public
and not be ridiculed for it.
Data: "I am happy to see Spot - and I am crying."
Tears of joy are probably the rarest
acceptable type for men in media.
These are restricted to
post-traumatic reunions,
recognition for a life's work,
the birth of a child,
or a father at his daughters wedding.
Though, tellingly, very rarely
at his own wedding -
or the wedding of a son.
[man sobbing]
There are a few other fringe cases where
the crying window opens.
But notice that all of these situations are rare.
Simon: "Hey, stop crying" -
Dad: "I'm trying, (rushed) I'm trying"
So rare that they may only come around
a few times in a man's entire life.
On average we do see men crying
slightly more often in dramas
or romance stories.
[thuds]
But in order for men to cry
in action-driven media,
an almost supernatural level of trauma
is usually required.
Even when it's a tragic or miraculous event
the flow of tears can still be
noticeably constrained for male characters.
We're all familiar with the single tear cliche.
One solitary drop of emotion is allowed to fall down a man's cheek,
to let the audience know that he harbors deep inner feelings -
feelings that will likely remain unspoken.
But often we don't even get the single tear -
we just see damp, wet eyes
and the tears aren't allowed to escape.
On many occasions, while making this video,
I found myself having to pause
and zoom in on a still frame
to try to figure out if the guy was
really shedding tears or not.
Ronny: "Are you crying? - Zip: "No."
The reason why we're spending so much time
talking about men's vulnerability
is because tears are healthy -
both physiologically and emotionally.
On a biological level, crying releases stress
and helps reduce anxiety.
On a social level, the ability to cry and
be openly vulnerable in front of others,
is critical for human connection and relationship building.
Jerry: "You ... complete me."
It's difficult to built and maintain
emotionally supportive friendships without it.
Rebbeca: "There we go... there we go."
Ted: "I promise you there is something
worse out there than being sad,
and that is being alone and being sad."
With that in mind, it's instructive
to consider the wide array
of social situations that fall outside
of the permissible crying window.
Leonard: "So it's cool if I cry a little?" [laugh track] -
Penny: "Yeah, I probably wouldn't."
Men may fear losing masculinity points -
John: "You're not gonna cry, are you?" -
if they are seen crying due to things like pain -
Jack: "No, I'm fine" -
fear, heartbreak, pressure at work,
experiencing depression or anxiety,
embarrassment or hurt feelings.
George: "As a man, you are crying right now."
Ira: "I'm not crying."
George: "People are gonna think we just broke up or something, Ira,
stop doing what you're doing."
Crying is also frowned upon for men
when doing things like
watching a sappy movie
or witnessing a beautiful sunset
or even connecting on an intimate level.
Rachel: "Are you crying?" -
Peter: "I'm so sorry that I'm being so weird now."
Notice that all of these life events
are relatively common.
They're the kind of things
that are likely to happen to men
in their everyday lives.
If we do see men crying
for one of those everyday reasons in dramatic media,
it feels so remarkable, that we sit up and take notice.
Stan: "Check the, uh, check the connections please."
Like all social constructs,
the rules governing the crying window
can be bent from time to time.
But if the rules are broken,
the guy runs the risk of becoming
the objects of ridicule amongst his peers
or worse being turned into
a meme on the internet.
As should be evident by some of the clips
we've just been looking at,
when men are depicted getting emotional
outside of the permissible window,
their tears are routinely
played for comedy.
Ron: "I'm in a glass case of emotion"
This is the space Will Ferrell,
Adam Sandler and other comedic actors
build their pathetic male characters in.
Henry: "Why would you do this to me, you sick bastard?"
[Alan wailing]
It's a world where men who cry too long,
too intensely or at inconvenient times
are mocked - mercilessly.
Dylan: "I thought big people weren't supposed to cry?"
Megan: "I think it's sweet that he's crying like a little bitch."
Sara: "Megan!"
Comedy that makes fun of men for crying
consistently frames outbursts of emotion
or vulnerability as pathetic, weak -
Raj: "Oh my god, I'm crying already." -
and decidedly unmanly.
Woman: "Why don't you just put on a dress and weep like a little girl?"
The association of tears with femininity
is explicitly illustrated in the
countless jokes deriding men for
crying like a little girl.
[laugh track] Monica: "Still crying?"
Rachel: "Like a little girl."
Skinner: "Right now superintendent Chalmers is at home
crying like a little girl." [laughing]
Jeremy: "Stop crying like a little girl." -
John: "I wasn't crying like a little girl."
The insult is used to police
men's expression of emotion
while also reinforcing the sexist idea
that women are somehow overly emotional
or lack self-control.
David: "You know women. They get real emotional."
Ian: "Yeah, David, you seem emotional."
David: "Yeah, I'm kinda having a hard time."
Even though crying is a
basic human response for everyone,
regardless of their gender, it has come to
be thought of as a gendered phenomenon.
Paul: "I cried for 45 minutes. You slap a pair of tits on me, I'm a woman.
Vito: "You can act like a man,
what's the matter with you?"
Charlotte: "Oh, you can cry, it's okay."
Emerson: "It is not okay for a grown-ass man to weep in public
with a bunch of happy families enjoying pie."
This is why the social pressure for men
to put on a brave face and not cry in the presence of others is enormous.
Emerson: "If you can't hold it, you take your ass to the men's room
and cry in private on the toilet, like a man!"
As therapist Terrance Real has noted,
[quote on screen]
If men do get emotional in media,
notice where and when they do it.
Most of the time, vulnerable moments only happen in private.
It's a classic bit of cinematic sleight of hand,
because we, as the audience, get to see protagonists experiencing moments
of true vulnerability.
But they rarely share those feelings with other characters.
Since the expression of vulnerability
is so strongly coded feminine, in our culture
stories often have women acting as
conduits for men's feelings.
The emotional labor of caring for men's pain
typically falls on the women in their lives.
And, more often than not, that support only goes one way.
One of the consequences of living in a culture,
where men are taught to low the vulnerability,
is that they don't want to be around
other people who are crying.
Jerry: "What are you doing, you're crying?" -
George: "No!"
Jerry: "Just get yourself together.
I don't know if I can be friends with you anymore after this display."
George: "Oh, shut up!"
Men may be unwilling to take care of
or provide emotional support to those who are shedding tears -
Oscar: "There, there" -
because that close proximity to vulnerability
undermines their own sense of masculinity.
When in the vicinity of another man who's crying -
Vic: "Oh come on, you need a tissue? A teddy bear?
You got a blankie in the trunk, you want me to grab?"
They might pat their friend on the back -
Tony: "Hey, let's stop hugging." -
or give a quick hug before reestablishing distance.
Cliff: "Woah, woah, hey"
Rick: "I'm sorry about that... sorry about that"
Cliff: "Here put these on. Don't cry in front of Mexicans.
In fact, if caught shedding tears,
male characters will frequently deny it
Schmidt: "Are you crying?"
Nick: "I'm not crying."
and pretend everything is fine.
Ken: "Are you crying?"
David: "What's that?"
Ken: "Are you crying?"
David: "Am I crying? No, I'm not crying. You're crying!"
Raj: "Are you crying?"
Howard: "No, I have allergies."
Rusty: "You okay?"
Daniel: "Yeah, no, I just bit into a pepper." [sniff]
Jules: "Are you crying?"
Seth: "No I just have something in both my eyes."
Variations on the classic quip "I just have something in my eye."
are written to communicate to viewers
that the character does indeed have feelings
Davis: "No, no! No, No, No, it's not funny and I wasn't crying.
I wasn't crying, okay? There's a lot of debris around here."
Michaelangelo: "Are you crying?"
while also giving him a measure of plausible deniability
Raphael: "No Ding-Dong, just a little dusty out here."
Popular media frequently reinforces the belief
Patton: "Shut up!"
that men need to hide their feelings.
Patton: "Won't have a yellow bastard sitting here, crying,
in front of these brave men who have been wounded in battle!"
In the fantastic stories Hollywood tells,
feeling and action are often presented as opposites -
Private Hudson: "This can't be happening, man, this isn't happening."
as if one precludes the other.
Rocket: "Are you crying?"
Thor: "No...
yes. I feel like I'm losing it."
Rocket: "Get it together!"
Movies tell us over and over again
that if men allow themselves to feel vulnerable
they will be rendered useless.
Not only will their emotions paralyze basic motor functions,
[Troy groans]
but the whole world may fall apart around them.
Kirk: "Snap out of it. Start acting like men!"
It's not true, of course.
Crying does not preclude action.
[dramatic music]
But the myth that vulnerability is synonymous with a complete loss of control
[lion wailing]
and therefore incompatible with power
is so corrosive and so strong
[slap]
that many men have come to believe
they must kill their emotional sides in order to be useful members of society.
Montrose: "I cut out all the soft parts of myself."
(Montrose) Just to be a man."
Emotional disconnection has other even more harmful consequences.
Jimmy: "And it's really starting to piss me off Dave because I can't even cry
for her. My own little daughter and I can't even cry for her."
The process of working through hurt or loss
can be slow and painful,
but it's also necessary for emotional healing.
And yet when we do see men breaking down on screen
the moment passes quickly.
That's because the permissible crying window
only remains opens for a short time.
Even when finding the dead bodies of his family,
the tears come and go in the space of one or two minutes.
This means we very rarely see male characters
who are given the time to properly mourn.
Jed: "Don't cry! Hold it back.
Let it turn to something else"
[crying]
(Jed) Just let it turn to something else, okay?
In fact, in countless pieces of media
men's tears essentially function as a bridge to violence.
[shot]
Sometimes the transformation
from profound grief to extreme aggression
even happens within the same scene.
Far too often in media we don't see men getting sad,
we see them getting mad
and then getting even.
[shots fired]
Narrator: "He goes wild - blood drunk."
[shots fired]
In this way violent retribution
is presented as a replacement
for the normal grieving process.
This pattern then encourages men
to channel all of their feelings into aggression
[screaming]
and to use that aggression to express themselves
in nearly all situations.
[screaming]
Now anger isn't necessarily a destructive emotion.
When directed in constructive ways,
it can be an appropriate response to injustice.
The problem is that since aggressive outbursts
are in many ways the opposite of vulnerability.
Rage and anger are almost universally seen
as signs of strength for men.
Whereas prolonged grief or sadness is seen as weakness.
Or worse as a sign of instability.
This helps explain why filmmakers
will so often use men's tears
as audio-visual shorthand for a descend into madness.
Or a descend into evil
Or both.
In his book "Cracking the Armour - Power, Pain and the Lives of Men"
Micheal Kaufmann observes that
[quote on screen]
It's illuminating to consider just how often
men's emotional pain is translated as self-destruction,
in Hollywood narratives.
Howard: "I'm so sad, I’m so fucked up."
[screaming]
Just like violence directed outward,
violence directed inward is often portrayed
as an intrinsic, almost inevitable manifestation
of men's emotional pain.
Riggan: "Bang."
Rather than being critiques of
disconnected or violent masculinity
these depictions end up glamorizing
or at least mythologizing
and poetizing male characters
who almost never figure out how to deal with their feelings
in a healthy way.
So instead we are treated to images of men destroying themselves
in lovingly realized, cinematic spectacles.
In her amazing book
"The Will to Change"
bell hooks notes popular culture
very rarely presents us with alternative emotional paths for male characters.
[quote on screen]
Indeed, stories in which men break the pattern
and successfully work trough emotional pain
in transformative ways,
are few and far between.
[crying]
Sean: "It's not your fault."
"Good Will Hunting" is a rare film
in which the protagonist chooses to reject traditional patriarchal masculinity
[sobbing]
and instead chooses to follow
the more vulnerable path of emotional connection.
Joel makes a similar choice in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind",
when he decides to face his painful feelings
rather than erasing them.
In Berry Jenkins "Moonlight", Chiron also chooses to leave behind a life
hardened by isolation
and embrace the vulnerability of
emotional intimacy.
Representations like these are rightfully celebrated,
but such depictions are still remarkably rare
and remain the exception
rather than the rule.
As I said earlier,
it can be genuinely gutwrenching
when media allows us to glimpse cracks in the facade of male control.
Seeing a man finally, at long last,
letting a tear slip, a lip tremble
or, in the most extreme circumstances, being allowed a good cry
can be quite moving.
Even in scenes that are meant to be humorous.
Kayla: "Oh, dad, come on. Come on, toughen up."
Still, I think it's important to recognize
that these rare moments are seen as so powerful,
precisely because disconnection is still so highly valued
for men in our society.
Perhaps we wouldn't be as moved by
the small cracks in the dam
if we got to see the free flow of tears more often.
Movies and TV shows are much more than simple entertainment.
They also present us with, what bell hooks calls,
"the art of the possible".
Zuko: "How can you forgive me so easily? I thought you would be furious with me."
Iroh: "I was never angry with you.
I was sad because I was afraid you lost your way."
And that's why it's critical for media
to show us more than just the rare, momentary glimpse of men's vulnerability.
We need to see men crying unapologetically.
Men connecting emotionally with women
and with each other.
And ultimately, to see men healing
as they embrace the full range of their humanity.
We need the crying window always open.
[emotional music]
I hope you enjoyed this video.
Now as you might imagine these long-form video essays
take an enormous amount of time,
to write, edit and produce.
This one has something like 200 media clips
sourced from various movies and TV shows.
So if you would like to see more videos like this one
please consider going over to Patreon
and helping to back this project there.
I've also left the link to PayPal in the description below,
if you prefer.
Now I have a whole bunch of other media projects in the works
so please stay tuned for those
and I'll see you back here again next time.