- When we're 40, if neither of us are married,
what do you say you and I get together and have one?
- Why won't I be married when I'm 40?
(audience laughs)
- Oh no, no, no!
I just meant hypothetically.
- Okay hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?
(audience laughs) - No, no, no.
- No, no what is it, seriously?
Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?
(audience laughs) - Er, er...
- Well?
- Dear God, this parachute is a knapsack.
(audience laughs)
- Er, everyone this is Chandler.
- Ross.
- Oh, this is Monica.
- Hi, I'm Ross' little sister.
- Okay. (audience laughs)
- Everybody know the basic erogenous zones,
you got one, two, three, four,
five, six, and seven.
- There are seven? (audience laughs)
That's one?
- (laughs) Kind of an important one.
(audience laughs)
- Oh you know what I was looking at it upside down.
(audience laughs)
- Ha, well you know, sometimes that helps.
(audience laughs)
- Okay now start out with a little one,
a two, a one, two, three.
A three, a five, (audience laughs)
a four, a three two, two, a two four six,
two four six, four, two,
two, four seven, (audience laughs)
five seven, six seven,
seven, seven (audience laughs)
seven, seven, seven,
seven, seven, seven, seven!
(audience laughs) (audience applauds)
You are dead meat.
- I didn't know it was a big secret.
(audience laughs)
- It's not big, not at all.
You know kinda on the same lines as,
say oh I don't know, having a third nipple!
(Rachel gasps) (audience laughs)
- You have a third nipple?
- You bitch! (audience laughs)
- Would you look at that.
Never gonna find a boyfriend again.
I'm gonna die an old maid.
- You're not gonna die an old maid.
Maybe an old spinster cook.
(audience laughs)
- Thanks.
- And you know besides, worst comes to the worst,
I'll be your boyfriend.
(Monica laughs) (audience laughs)
There's a nuclear holocaust,
I'm the last man on Earth, would you go out with me?
- Ah. (audience laughs)
- You're not still upset about what that guy told you,
are ya?
- Wouldn't you be?
- Look, it's been a really emotional time you know,
and you've had a lot to drink,
and you've just gotta let that go, okay.
I mean you were the most beautiful woman
in the room tonight.
- Really?
- Are you kidding, you're the most beautiful woman
in most rooms.
(audience laughs)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on?
You and I just made out.
You and I are making out?
- Well not anymore.
- I'm getting married today.
- Yeah you are. (Ross screams)
(audience laughs)
- You think he knew I was here.
(audience cheers)
(knocking on door)
- [Joey] Hey it's me, I'm coming in.
(audience laughs)
- I've had a very long, hard day.
- Can I borrow your eyelash curler,
I think I lost mine?
- Yeah, it's in the bathroom.
(audience cheers)
(Joey yells)
- Joey can I talk to you for a second?
- Ooh, oh! - Joey, I need to talk to you.
- Oh, oh, oh!
- This is not gonna work.
- [Monica] I bet this'll work.
(audience laughs)
(Chandler laughs)
- You're so great, I love you.
(audience laughs)
- [Monica] What?
- Nothing, I said, I said you're so great,
and then I just, I just stopped talking.
(audience laughs)
- [Monica] You said you love me, I can't believe this.
- No I didn't.
- [Monica] Yes you did.
- No I didn't.
- [Monica] You love me.
- No I don't, stop it, stop it, stop it,
stop it, stop it.
(Joey screams)
- I love her, I love her.
I love you Monica.
- I love you too Chandler.
(audience cheers) (audience applauds)
- I just, I thought you guys were doing it,
I didn't know you were in love.
- I thought you were my best friend, this is my sister.
My best friend and my sister, I cannot believe this.
- Look we're not just messing around,
I love her, okay.
I'm in love with her.
- I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way.
Sorry but it's true, I love him too.
(audience laughs)
- My best friend and my sister.
I cannot believe this.
- Hey how about maroon?
- (laughs) You are so smart.
- Ah, you guys are so cute.
- I know. (audience laughs)
- Okay um,
before I met you I had really little life,
and I couldn't imagine growing old with--
- Oh my God. - I know,
but just let me say it.
- Oh my God, Richard.
- What, I'm Chandler.
(audience laughs)
Oh that's Richard.
- Apparently, I'm willing to offer her things
that you are not.
- I am willing to offer her all those things,
this was just a plan you know,
a way to throw her off course so that when I offered her
all these things she'd be surprised.
- Well if it helps it worked very well.
(audience laughs)
- It was working until you showed up, you big tree.
(audience laughs)
I mean this isn't fair, you had your chance with her,
you had your chance and you blew it.
And this is my chance and I'm not gonna blow it
because we are meant for each other,
and this has all just been one stupid mistake.
I was gonna propose tonight.
- You wanted it to be a surprise.
(audience laughs)
- Oh my God.
(audience laughs) (audience cheers)
- Chandler, in all my life,
I never thought I would be so lucky.
As to (cries) fall in love with my best...
My best...
There's a reason why girls don't do this.
- Okay, okay, okay. (audience laughs)
I'll do it.
I thought...
(cries) I can do this.
(audience laughs)
I thought that it mattered what I said,
or where I said it, then I realized
the only thing that matters is that you...
You make me happier then I ever thought I could be.
And if you let me, I will spend the rest of my life
trying to make you feel the same way.
Monica,
will you marry me?
- Yes. (audience cheers)
- Well it's just while Monica and I were dancing to them
it was the first time I knew that
you were the woman that I wanted to dance
all my dances with.
- [Audience] Aah!
- Oh crap. (audience laughs)
- Okay but I have to return it so you can't like it.
- Okay I promise I'll hate it.
- Wow you, you look hideous.
(audience laughs)
- Chandler, for so long I,
I wondered if I would ever find my prince,
my soulmate.
Then three years ago at another wedding
I turned to a friend for comfort,
and instead I found everything that I'd ever
been looking for my whole life.
And now, here we are,
with our future before us,
and I only wanna spend it with you,
my prince, my soulmate, my friend.
Unless you don't want too.
(audience laughs)
You go.
- Chandler.
- That's okay. (audience laughs)
- Monica I thought this was gonna be the most
difficult thing I ever had to do,
but when I saw you walking down that aisle
I realized how simple it was.
I love you.
Any surprises that come our way it's okay,
because I will always love you.
You are the person I was meant to spend
the rest of my life with.
You wanna know if I'm sure.
- You er, may now kiss the bride.
(audience laughs)
- What's the matter?
- I don't know it's these new shoes, they're all slippery.
- Are you going to be able to do this?
- Not well. (audience laughs)
You opened all the presents without me,
I thought we were supposed to do that together.
- You kissed another woman? (audience laughs)
- Call it even? - Okay.
(audience laughs)
- Since when are you so crazy about babies?
- I'm not crazy about babies, I'm crazy about us.
- What? (audience laughs)
- We've always talked about having babies some day,
I'm not saying it has to be right now,
but I'm starting to think that we can handle it.
We're good.
- I'm very, very upset right now.
- Oh would you say this is the most upset you could be?
- I think so.
- Well then I might as well do this.
(audience groans)
(audience laughs)
Not really sure what to do now.
(audience laughs)
- Well I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
We're already late for Phoebe's birthday dinner,
so you're going to put out that cigarette,
we're gonna put this fight on hold and go have sex.
Fine. (audience laughs)
What?
- Sex, this is the last day that I'm ovulating,
and if we don't do it now then we're gonna have to
wait 'til next month.
- You're serious?
- Oh yeah.
- All right fine, I'll do it, but no talking.
- (gasps) And no cuddling.
- And no kissing your neck.
- Oh good, I hate it when you do that.
(audience groans)
- And lots of kissing your neck.
(audience laughs)
- So I'm, I'm probably still ovulating,
do you wanna give it another try?
- So you've never had sex with a Kennedy have you?
(audience laughs)
- You're gonna go do it now?
- We don't have much time, once the egg descends
into the fallopian tube--
- (groans) Get out of here.
- Dr. Connolly just called.
- With good news?
Of course it's not good news you just said,
Dr. Connolly just called.
If it was good news you would have said,
Dr. Connolly just called.
But er, so what is it, is it erm...
Is there is a problem?
Is there a problem with me, or with you?
- Actually it's both of us.
- What?
- Apparently my sperm have low motility, and,
you have an inhospitable environment.
(audience laughs)
- Oh.
What does that mean?
- It means that my guys went get off their barcaloungers,
and you have a uterus that is prepared to kill
the ones that do. (audience laughs)
It means-- - Chandler.
- It means that we can keep trying,
but there's a good chance this may never happen for us.
- My God.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry too.
- She gave us a great report, and we are officially
on the waiting list.
- That's great.
- Now we just have to wait for a call,
and someone tells us there's a baby waiting for us.
(phone rings) (audience laughs)
- Hello.
Have you seen Joey's bat?
- Do you even know it's your birthday today, you're one.
One year old, that's little.
- One year. (Chandler gasps)
- That's my girl.
- That's how old you are.
- Did I teach her that, did I just impart wisdom?
(audience laughs)
- I want one.
- Me too.
- I love my wife more then anything in this world.
And it...
It kills me that I can't give her a baby.
I really want a kid.
And when that day finally comes,
I'll learn how to be a good dad.
But my wife, she's already there.
She's a mother,
without a baby.
Please?
You still want that baby?
(audience laughs) (audience cheers)
- Thank you so much.
- I'm really happy for you guys.
- How do you feel? - I'm tired.
- You don't have that much time to relax,
the other one will be along in a minute.
(audience gasps)
(audience cheers)
- I'm sorry, who should be along in a what now?
- Oh my God. - Welcome home.
- Oh my God.
- Hey.
- Hi. - Hey.
(gasps) (audience laughs)
- Hey so what is the big surprise?
(audience laughs)
(Joey gasps) (audience laughs)