(tambourine rattling)
♪ I made a man with eyes of coal ♪
♪ And a smile so bewitchin' ♪
♪ How was I supposed to know ♪
♪ That my mom was dead in the kitchen ♪
(audience laughing and applauding)
♪ (rattling tambourine) La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
- Partay!
- That thing is not coming in here.
- That thing?
This is how you greet guests at a party?
Let me ask you something.
If I showed up here with my new girlfriend,
she wouldn't be welcome in your home?
- I'm thinking your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate
on my coffee table.
(audience laughing)
- He was more embarrassed about that then anyone.
(audience laughing)
Okay?
And for him to have the courage to walk back in here
like nothing happened.
(audience laughing)
- All right, all right.
Just keep him away from me.
- Thank you.
Come on Marcel.
What do you say you and I do a little mingling?
(audience laughing)
All right, I'll catch up with ya later.
(audience laughing)
(monkey squeaking) - Look at him.
I'm not saying he needs to spend the whole evening with me,
but at least check in.
(audience laughing)
- Rach, these are for you.
- Wiper blades.
(audience laughing)
I don't even have a car.
- (laughs) I know, but with this new car smell,
you'll think you do. (laughs)
(audience laughing)
- Okay, Phoebes, your turn.
(audience laughing)
- Ah!
Toilet seat covers!
(audience laughing)
is that what you were doing while I was getting gas?
- Mm hm. - Uh huh.
- You guys.
(audience laughing)
- And for Ross, Mr. Sweet Tooth.
(audience laughing)
- You got me a cola drink?
- And a lemon-lime!
(audience laughing)
- (laughs) Well this, this is too much.
I feel like I should get you another sweater.
(audience laughing)
- And last buy not least.
- They're ribbed for your pleasure.
(audience laughing)
Phoebe, remember, hey,
they're just fulfilling their Christmas--
- Destiny. - Sure.
- Yeah.
- All right. - Okay.
Yikes, that one doesn't look very fulfilled.
- Oh, that's a, that's one of the old ones.
He's just takin' it to the back.
- You keep the old ones in the back?
That is so ageist.
(audience laughing)
- Well, we have to make room for the fresh ones.
- So, what happens to the old guys?
- Well, they go into the chipper.
- Why do I have a feeling that's not as happy as it sounds?
(audience laughing)
(chipper running)
(dramatic music)
- No, No!
Oh!
No!
- Hey, hey, hey!
(footsteps)
(audience laughing)
- (gasps) Oh, my God!
- [Both] Merry Christmas!
- Ah, ha, ha!!
(audience laughing) Thank you!
Yay!
Oh, God, you're the best!
- It's like "Night of the Living Dead" Christmas tree.
(audience laughing)
♪ Went to the store sat on Santa's lap ♪
♪ Asked him to bring my friends all kinds a crap ♪
(audience laughing)
♪ Said, "All you need is to write them a song" ♪
♪ They haven't heard it yet so don't try to sing along ♪
(audience laughing)
♪ So, don't sing along ♪
(audience laughing)
♪ Monica, Monica, have a happy Hanukkah ♪
(audience laughing)
♪ Saw Santa Clause ♪
♪ He said, "Hello," to Ross ♪
(audience laughing)
♪ Please tell Joey ♪
♪ Christmas will be snowing ♪
(audience laughing)
♪ And Rachel and Chandler ♪
♪ How do (mumbles) under ♪
(audience laughing)
Happy holidays everybody!
(laughing and applauding)
(ringing bell) Thank you, happy holiday.
(ringing bell)
Now, that's trash, young lady.
You can't, hey!
Stop that young lady! (bell ringing)
She donated trash!
(audience laughing)
Hey!
The charity's on fire! (bell ringing)
Help!
Thank you, I need that!
Woo!
What is this?
It's nine o'clock in the morning!
(audience laughing)
- Okay, it's no big deal.
Important thing to remember, stay cool.
- Got it!
Oh my God, it's just like I dreamed it!
(audience laughing)
Hey, I know what'll get us up on a platform.
- What?
- The routine!
When the snippy guy sees the routine,
he'll wanna build us our own platform.
(audience laughing)
- Okay, let's do it.
(audience laughing)
Five, six, seven, eight!
(loud dance music)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing and cheering)
- So, do we really need to ask
who's going up on the platform next?
- Oh, no!
You get up there and do that again, exactly like that!
- Yeah! - Ah!
(audience laughing) - Make sure and get this.
Dick will want it for the bloopers show.
(audience laughing)
- I'm the holiday armadillo!
(audience laughing)
I'm a friend of Santa's, and he sent me here
to wish you a merry Christmas!
(audience laughing)
- What happened to Santa, holiday armadillo?
(audience laughing)
- Santa was unavailable so close to Christmas!
(audience laughing)
- Wow, come in, have a seat!
You must be exhausted coming all the way from Texas!
(audience laughing)
- Texas?
- That's right, Ben!
I'm Santa's representative for all the Southern states!
(audience laughing)
And Mexico!
(audience laughing)
But Santa sent me here to give you these presents, Ben!
Maybe the lady will help me with these presents!
(audience laughing)
(thump)
(audience laughing)
(door shuts)
- Are you for Hanukkah, too, because I'm part Jewish?
- (gasps) You are?
Me, too!
- Merry Christmas!
(door shuts)
(audience laughing)
What are you doing here weird, turtle man?
(audience laughing)
- I'm the holiday armadillo, your part Jewish friend!
(audience laughing)
You sent me here to give Ben some presents, remember?
- What?
(audience laughing)
- Did you bring me any presents, Santa?
- You bet I did, Ben!
Put her there!
(small thud)
(audience laughing)
Wow!
That is a good one.
Wow, looks like a holiday card, you know,
with that tree in the middle, and the skaters,
and the snow. (laughs)
- You know, every year I say,
"I'm gonna send out holiday cards," and I never do it.
Do you wanna, do you wanna send this one out together?
(audience laughing)
- Together, like to people?
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, you know, happy holidays from Mona and Ross.
It'll be cute, okay?
- (laughs) Okay.
(audience laughing)
I don't, I'm not sure about the whole card thing.
- Really, why not?
- 'Cause it's sending out a holiday card together.
I just don't know if we're really quite there yet.
- So, can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.
- Where are we?
- Huh?
(audience laughing)
- Well, like where are we?
Where is this relationship going?
- Let's do the card!
(audience laughing)
- What? - The card!
I think we're there.
(audience laughing)
- Hi, honey!
We're all here.
We just want to wish you a merry Christmas.
- Aw, merry Christmas.
I miss you guys.
- Is it horrible?
Is everybody working really hard?
- Ah, well no, it's just me and Wendy.
- Ah, wait, is Wendy the runner-up Miss Oklahoma?
- What?
(audience laughing)
- Well, she didn't win.
(audience laughing)
- All right, well maybe I should let you
and the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma get back to work.
- Well, second prettiest that year.
I mean, of all the girls in Oklahoma, she's probably--
- No, Chandler, stop talking!
(audience laughing)
- (clicks phone down) The wife says, "Hi."
- Ah, fun conversation.
- Ah, well, she's just got this weird idea that, you know,
just because you and I are alone, something's gonna happen.
- That be so terrible?
(dramatic music)
- Woo hoo, back off missy!
- (laughing) Missy?
- I don't know, I'm not used to girls making passes at me.
Wait a minute, am I sexy in Oklahoma?
(audience laughing)
I'm married!
- So, I'm married!
- Unhappily married.
- Okay, let me ask you something.
If what you and your wife have is so great,
then why are you spending Christmas with me?
- You think it's snowing in Tulsa
where my husband's have sex on a copying machine?
(audience laughing)
- Hey!
- What are you doing here?
- I wanted to be with you.
I missed you so much.
- Hey, hey, uh, who'd you miss the most?
- Monica.
- Gotcha.
(audience laughing)