- If one of y'all says some silly ass name,
this whole class is gon' feel my wrath.
Now, De-nice.
- Do you mean Denise?
- Son of a bitch. (clipboard cracks)
♪ I want ya ♪
♪ But I don't need ya ♪ (school bell rings)
(kids chatting)
(door thuds)
- I am your substitute.
Mr. Nostrand.
But that might as well say no-nonsense,
because I do not play.
Now today will not be a day off.
In fact today, you will work harder than--
(fart squeals)
(kids laugh)
- [Male Student] Somebody call a code brown up in here.
- [Student] See you later Mr. Poop-strand.
(school bell rings)
- All right listen up y'all,
I'm y'all's substitute teacher, Mr. Garvey.
I taught school for 20 years in the inner city,
so don't even think about messin' with me.
Y'all feel me?
'Kay.
Let's take roll here.
Jay-quelin.
Where's Jay-quelin at?
No Jay-quelin here?
(clears throat)
Yeah.
- Uh, do you mean Jacqueline?
- Okay.
So that's how it's gon' be.
Y'all wanna play.
Okay, then.
I got my eye on you, Jay-quelin.
Buh-lockay.
Where is Buh-lockay at?
No Buh-lockay here today?
Yes sir.
- My name's Blake.
- Are you outta yo' goddamn mind?
Blake?
What?
Do you wanna go to war, Buh-lockay?
- No.
- 'Cause we could go to war.
- [Blake] No.
- I'm for real.
I'm for real.
So you better check yourself.
De-nice.
Is there a De-nice.
If one of y'all says some silly ass name,
this whole class is gon' feel my wrath.
Now, De-nice.
- Do you mean Denise?
- Son of a bitch. (clipboard cracks)
You say your name right, right now.
- Denise.
- [Mr. Garvey] Say it right.
- Denise. - Correctly.
Right. - Denise.
Denise. - Right.
- De-nice.
- That's better, thank you.
Now, A-A-ron.
Where are you?
Where is A-A-ron right now?
No A-A-ron, huh?
Well you better be sick, dead, or mute, A-A-ron.
- Here.
Oh, man.
- Why didn't you answer me the first time I said it, huh?
- Huh?
- I'm just, y'know, I just asking you,
I said it like four times,
so why didn't you say it the first time I said A-A-ron?
- Because it's pronounced Aaron?
- Son of a bitch!
(equipment clatters)
Ya done messed up, A-A-ron!
Now take yo' ass on down
to O-shag-hennessy's office right now,
and tell him exactly what you did.
- Who?
- O-shag-hennessy.
- Principal O'Shaughnessy?
- Get out of my goddamn classroom
before I break my foot off in your ass!
Insubordinate.
And churlish.
Tim-o-thee.
- Pre-sent.
- Thank you.
(pencil scribbling) (school bell rings)
- The right triangle's longest side
is called the hypotenuse, and it's this side here.
See, the longest one. - Hey.
I wish I were high on potenuse.
(laughing)
- I wish I was high on potenuse.
(everybody laughs)
- Okay, okay okay.
Mr. Morrison's very funny, it's very funny,
but let's get back to the lesson.
Now if you can see, the longest one,
where it goes from this point
to that point. - That was my joke.
(muffled speaking) - I know man,
that was hilarious.
- [Teacher] Of a triangle.
I've labeled them here, A, B, and C.
(muffled speaking) - No, but I mean, I said that.
I said it.
I said that.
- Please, please, Mr. Jackson,
keep your comments to yourself.
Thank you.
(sighs) Now, the hypotenuse, it--
(all laughing)
Mr. Morrison, you really got me on that one.
Ugh, so great.
Oh, oh, Principal Martel, Principal Martel,
come here, come here, come here.
Tell Principal Martel what you said, Troy.
- Oh, you, she was talkin' 'bout the hypotenuse,
and I said, I wish I was high on potenuse.
(all laughing)
I'm sorry.
He likes it.
Principal Martel's cool.
- Oh-ho-ho, that's, that's very funny.
- Principal Martel, Principal Martel, I said that.
- Mr. Jackson, that is enough.
- But I said it first.
- Oh, Mr. Iglesias, Mr. Iglesias, yes, come in, come in.
(all gasping)
- Yeah.
What's up, peoples?
- Fluffy.
- Comedian Gabriel Iglesias
is touring the local schools today
for a charity he's working on.
Tell him what you said, tell him what you said.
- Dude, um, I wish I was high on potenuse.
(all laughing)
I said it like that.
- Oh my god.
That is clever.
That is clever, very funny.
Very funny. - No, no.
- Right?
Thanks, thanks. - No, wait wait,
Mr. Iglesias, Mr. Iglesias, I'm your biggest fan.
That was my joke.
- You know, it's not really cool, buddy,
to take credit for other people's jokes.
Ay listen, funny stuff.
I'm doin' this big tour right now.
You wanna see about maybe, we could talk about you opening?
I need an opener.
- Uh, um, sure.
- What do you think, is that okay?
Yeah? - Of course, of course.
- Huh, what?
(all muttering)
- Talent, man. - Hey, it's nice to meet you,
thanks so much.
- Look like a Richard Pryor, get over here, man.
Come on.
- Richard Pryor!
- He deserved it.
All right, so across from the longest side
is a 90 degree angle.
- Good thing I've got a 90 degree dangle.
- Joe, stop it!
You will never be Troy!
- Why are you tryna be like Troy?
Dick.
- Et tu, nerdy girl?
- Heh-heh. - So, the hypotenu--
(all burst out laughing)
- What the (beep) is going on?
- I'm gonna piss my pants.
I'm gonna piss my pants right here.
Oh my god.
(pencil scribbling) (school bell rings)
- [Mr. Garvey] I'm gon' take a li'l roll here.
Jay-quelin.
- Here.
- [Mr. Garvey] You are present.
Buh-lockay.
- Right here.
- [Mr. Garvey] Uh-huh.
De-nice.
- Here.
- [Mr. Garvey] Good.
Jes-seeka.
Thank you.
- Mr. Garvey.
- What is it A-A-ron?
- Some of us need to leave a few minutes early today.
- Oh.
Oh is that so?
- Mm-hm.
- And what, pray tell,
is the reason for this premature exodus?
- Yearbook photos.
Um, we have to leave 15 minutes early
to meet up with our clubs.
(laughs)
- All right, you know what?
That might work with other substitute teachers,
but I taught in the inner city for over 20 years.
Now y'all wanna leave my class early
so y'all can go meet up at the club.
Ain't none of y'all old enough to go to the damn club!
Ridiculous.
- Mr. Garvey?
- God, son of a bitch! (clipboard cracks)
Did I st-t-t-t-t-tutter?
- Just then?
Yes.
- I'ma throw you out that goddamn window.
What, Jay-quelin?
- Mr. Garvey, we're telling the truth,
we have clubs at this school,
we have clubs for special interests.
- Okay, I see, so y'all wanna play.
Y'all wanna play, yeah okay, we gon' play little games.
Fine, I'll play.
I'm more than happy to play some games with y'all.
Anyone who's in a club, stand yo' ass up.
Uh-huh, oh yup, there it is.
There it is, the usual suspects.
What the hell club are you in, Jay-quelin?
- Future Leaders of America.
- Okay, okay.
How would you know if you gon' be a leader in the future?
Is there a Stargate in yo' bedroom?
Can you travel through time, Jay-quelin?
- No.
- Then sit the flip down!
Buh-lockay, I don't, here's the thing,
I don't even know why I'm 'bout to ask you this.
Buh-lockay, what club are you in?
- I'm part of the Spanish Club.
- Sp, this, you about as Spanish as Riahn Seacrest,
wit' ya big ass Fraggle Rock hair.
How 'bout you, De-nice?
- I'm in the Chess Club.
- Uh, I'm sorry sweetheart, you are not in the chest club.
The mosquito bite club, maybe.
- (sighs) That's hurtful.
- Truthful.
There he is.
A-A-ron.
- [Aaron] Hey.
- What club are you in?
- I'm the president of the Glee Club, why do I talk.
- The Glee Club?
(screams) (equipment clatters)
Like they gon' have a club dedicated to a TV show!
Take yo' ass to O-shag-hennessy's office right now,
before I bust a club up in ya butt.
- Okay.
- Go!
- Okay, I'm gonna go.
- Mischievous and deceitful.
Chicanerous and deplorable.
- [Principal O'Shaughnessy] This is Principal O'Shaughnessy.
Students please report to the gymnasium
for your club photos.
- Fake announcement.
Now does anybody in here have a valid reason
for leaving this classroom?
Tim-o-thee.
- I gotta go pick up my daughter.
- You're excused. (pencil scribbling)
(school bell rings)
- All right everybody just, (students muttering)
let's settle down.
Settle in, and like just totally,
let's get our math on, okay?
All right guys, so.
(kids laughing)
Yeah, oh. (laughs)
All right Jimmy, somebody's got a little extra energy
from phys ed, right?
Yeah.
- Ah.
- Jimmy, buddy, hey buddy let's, okay,
it's just, let's knock it off, okay?
(book thuds) (kids laugh)
Okay. (laughs)
(mocking speaking)
You got me, he got me, right guys?
Jimmy, dude, all right, let's take our seat.
(laughs) That's great, that's great.
That's great. - Boop beep boop,
boop bip. - Very good,
bravo, Jimmy, I'm just gonna, you guys can clap.
(goofy laughing) (students applaud)
That was awesome.
Oh, and I thank you,
I, I thank you for the entertainment, man.
- Oh. (mocking ticking)
- Jimmy. (kids laughing)
No, let's go man.
Hey buddy.
I don't wanna harsh your vibe man but--
- Ah, eureka.
- I'm gonna be honest with you,
you're really pushing my buttons now, Jimmy.
- Beep boop boop ooh ee ee ee ooh.
(kids laughing) - You're drivin' me crazy,
man.
(mocks racecar whooshing) (tongue clicking)
(voice vibrating)
That's enough.
You want me to write your name on the board?
(kids laughing)
- Ah!
(mumbling)
- Okay Jimmy, do you want me to call Principal Martel?
That would not be bitchin', would it?
(mocking biting nails)
Okay.
You know what Jimmy, you know what?
Why don't you come up and teach the class, man, hm?
Wouldn't that be awesome?
- Moi?
- Yeah, come on up.
Okay, guess, no, and then you know what I'm gonna do Jimmy?
I'll just sit here, how 'bout that Jimmy?
And then we can all watch how you're being disruptive.
(mumbling) (kids laughing)
Oh I see, that's supposed to be me.
Right.
All right Jimmy, okay, I see, I get it's supposed to be me.
It's time to be John, Jimmy.
Don't you dare Jimmy, what're you?
(scissors click)
(kids laugh)
Oh yeah?
Oh yeah? (screaming)
Well this is you Jimmy!
(scream mumbling)
I'm you Jimmy.
(yelling)
(desk clattering)
How 'bout that Jimmy, huh?
Oh, I'm gonna slap five, gimme five.
Give, gimme five.
(hands slapping)
Huh?
How 'bout that, huh?
That's you Jimmy.
I'm Jimmy, I'm Jimmy.
And I need attention.
Yeah, I'm Jimmy.
Ah, I'm Jimmy, ah, look here.
(mumbling) That's the funniest thing that ever happened
in the whole world!
I'm Jimmy, I want attention, wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy.
I'm Jimmy, I'm Jimmy.
(mocking wiggling)
- Mr. Fryer.
- Principal Martel.
No, what?
No, no no no no.
No it was Jimmy.
It was Jimmy, Principal Martel, no, Jimmy.
(grunts) It was Jimmy!
It was Jimmy!
(students cheer)
- [All] Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
(muffled chanting) (dramatic music)
(muffled cheering)