Translator: selena kim Reviewer: Peter van de Ven
How are you doing this evening?
Good? Motivated, inspired, wonderful speakers.
I bet you've not heard "Slumdog Millionaire" accent so far,
so here I bring that, right in the middle of Midwest.
So, I came to the US in 1995.
I had been in medical training for ten years before I came.
In my first year of medical school in 1984,
I witnessed one of the worst industrial disasters,
Bhopal Gas Tragedy,
where we lost, maybe, tens of thousands of people overnight.
I was a first-year medical student at that time.
Over the next eight to ten years,
I saw a lot of disasters,
a lot of challenges because of malnutrition
and infections and so on.
By the time I was preparing to come to the US in 1995,
I thought I was going to come to Disneyland.
I thought everybody here was happy.
I thought, as a child here, you grow up in Disneyland;
when you're an adult, you play slots in Las Vegas;
and you retire in Florida playing bingo.
I heard that's what, pretty much, American life is.
I was seeing too many movies.
So when I came here,
and I saw that there was almost as much stress and suffering here
as I was seeing overseas, that's what shocked me.
I had come here to become a cancer specialist.
I changed my direction, and I said I'm going to understand:
why does the human brain not know how to be happy?
Why do we struggle with that?
So I'll share with you a few pearls I have learned on that journey,
and we've sort of put together a program that we offer
to over 50,000 people every year,
at this time.
There's some neural predispositions that predispose us to suffering.
There's the external situation, of course,
but also some neural predispositions.
For example, we spend a lot of time mind wandering.
When you are doing dishes,
you know, right at that time your brain is not doing dishes;
your brain is going through all of that.
And you're not saying, "I have the most wonderful partner in the world."
"I have the best children."
"How come I have so much more money than I ever needed?"
We're focusing on all the imperfections, all the challenges.
Our mind is wandering.
An average person has about 150 undone tasks at any time.
We spend a lot of time with wandering attention.
So this is one big challenge of the human brain.
Do you want to guess what proportion of the time we are like that?
About 50 to 80 percent of the time, during the day.
Our colleagues at Mayo actually took a few patients
and tried to scan them,
and see how their brain looks at rest,
at rest, when they were doing nothing.
And this is the scan of brain at rest.
So, I know many of you don't have a degree in radiology,
but perhaps you can see that it seems like a pretty busy place.
It seems a bit like a fish market.
(Laughter)
What you are seeing is blobs of blue and red
forming and dissolving;
those are actually networks in the brain.
The way the brain operates, our brain is designed
as a giant network of about 86 to 90 billion neurons.
These networks collaborate to create two modes of the brain.
The first mode of the brain is the focused mode.
Focused mode is engaged
when you are processing something very interesting,
very novel, very meaningful.
For example, if you step out and you see a baby elephant
jaywalking in the parking lot,
that'll get your brain in the focus mode, right?
Or when you're bungee jumping,
right at that time in the middle of the air,
you don't say, "What was that email I had to answer?"
Boom. It's too late.
Playing with a little baby gets you in the focused mode.
You know, the baby is happy
with all the attention that she is getting.
So that is the first mode of the brain: the focused mode.
Our brain loves to be in this mode.
But we don't give ourselves enough doses of that.
The second mode of the brain, I realized was,
is the default mode.
Have you experienced when reading a book,
you read half a page, you say, "What was I reading?"
Where were you at that time?
You were mind wandering.
You were with all your open files,
and an average person has about 150 undone tasks at any time.
So we spend-
do you want to guess what proportion of the day we are like that
with that wandering attention?
50 to 80 percent of the time.
So right now, as we speak, two to three billion people
are walking around the planet with no idea where they are.
Because they are experiencing wandering attention.
That's the reality. It's kind of scary, isn't it?
So, I'm sure you've experienced this or not experienced this.
You tell three things to your partner,
and this is how they look, totally blank,
as if your sounds are like clicking sounds, your words.
Yeah, I can see some of you resonating with that, right?
Have you ever read a book to a child,
and have no idea what you read, and maybe tried to skip pages,
and then you get caught skipping pages?
Yes, yes, yes?
So those are the two modes.
So this is the default mode, where we spend a lot of time.
What research is showing is
that the more time we spend in default mode,
the greater our risk of anxiety, depression,
attention deficit, perhaps even dementia.
And the way the brain operates,
when you use a particular network, it becomes stronger.
So we get stuck here.
So we seesaw between these two modes all day long,
but what happens is when we have too many open files,
which everybody does-
is there anybody here who has less than twenty user IDs?
(Laughter)
Our brain didn't evolve around our need to process twenty user IDs, right?
So we were focused on safety and survival.
So that is a challenge:
Our brain evolved around safety and survival;
we want it deliver peace and happiness.
And that is why we get stuck.
So this was a first challenge, I realized,
the neural predispositions,
our tendency for our mind to wander.
The second challenge is our focus on threat and imperfection.
I have personally had multiple medical problems.
I've had several heart attacks, I've had multiple strokes,
several cancers, nearly died many times -
all in my head; none of this actually happened.
I'm imagining all these illnesses.
So I have-
yeah, I look pretty preserved for all of that, right?
One of my oncologists said that.
So, I spend a lot of time living with imaginary fears.
When you're looking at this picture,
I'm sure your attention is going to that spider, right?
Because a spider has immediate threat focus.
But let me ask you this: What is more threatening in 2015?
Is it spiders or donuts? What do you think?
How many of you think it's donuts?
So let the record show everybody's saying donuts.
So, when you go to a party,
and they're serving donuts,
and you've got twenty donuts staring at you,
shouldn't you run away, shouting,
"Oh my god, they're serving donuts! They're out to kill me!
We'll never go to Smiths again,
because they tried to kill me by feeding donuts," right?
No, but we get attracted to them
because our ancestors got attracted to calorie-dense foods.
So we've got some evolutionary predispositions
that are not really adaptive.
So this is the second challenge: negativity bias.
Another challenge is hedonic adaptation.
I'm sure you've realized this,
"Honey, I love you, but now please change."
Has that ever happened to you?
First year of marriage, it's all wonderful;
twentieth year of marriage -
and we have been married 21 years, I've said this in front of my wife -
partners become borderline boring after 20 years.
30 years, even worse.
So we get used to good.
One of my patients said, "I divorced the wife I loved."
Which is a very sad thing to hear
because what happens is we get used to the goodness
and start focusing on imperfections.
There are several other neural predispositions;
I've just shared a few of them.
So what happens is these neural predispositions
take away from enjoying life.
And that is what I realized.
So happiness has very little to do with having too much resources,
or not having malnutrition or infections.
Happiness is really that inner state. So how do we cultivate that?
I'll give you a little sample of that.
What I will do is share with you a few sprinkles,
a few practices that you can apply in your life right now;
we will do a couple of practices right here,
so that you can bring those to your life.
And I'll do what we call the "5-3-2 program."
The first skill is with five people.
When you wake up in the morning,
how long does it take for your mind to wander after you wake up?
Is it less than a few seconds, or is it minus five seconds?
Minus five seconds, right?
What should I do? What should I dread?
So here is my suggestion.
When you wake up tomorrow morning,
think about five people in your life you're grateful for
before you step on the carpet.
Let us practice this together
so I can explain what I mean by this.
Let us all sit with eyes closed for the next two minutes,
and I'll guide you through this practice,
and if you're watching it on video in a safe place,
you can please do that.
So I'll take you through this practice.
Imagine you're waking up this morning.
Notice the color of the floor where you woke up.
Think about the first person in your life you want to be grateful for.
Think of the many ways this person has touched your life.
And send your silent gratitude to this person.
Second person.
Look into the eyes of this person
and notice the color of the eyes.
And then send silent gratitude.
Third person.
Go back to the first memory of this person.
Then send your silent gratitude.
Fourth person.
And imagine this person is very happy
wherever he or she is right now.
Then send your silent gratitude.
Go back in time and look at yourself when you were eight years old.
Notice your hairstyle at that time.
And send silent gratitude to your eight-year-old self.
Think about someone who has passed away, who you loved.
Give that person a virtual hug.
Send silent gratitude to that person.
When you are ready you can open your eyes.
I didn't even know where I had reached
because my eyes were closed too.
I'm glad I was on the red carpet.
So, this is the first practice.
It will help you focus on what is most important in your life.
How many of you have someone who is worth several trillion dollars to you?
Everybody, right?
So, I invite you to focus on your maximum net worth,
what is most valuable to you.
Don't wake up thinking, "What should I do? What should I dread?"
or chasing deadlines.
And then in an afternoon at three o'clock,
you feel like you're being judged.
Anyone here struggles with being appreciated too much in life?
Like you're appreciated too much; no one judges you negatively?
That's not the challenge, right?
So when your self-esteem is low, and you are on the rumble strip,
think of three people who care about you; it brings you back to the highway.
The idea is not to not end on the rumble strip
because we will all be there.
How quickly we recover, that's the key,
so we don't end in a ditch.
So, this is the first practice.
One suggestion: take a post-it note,
write 'gratitude' on it and stick it to your mirror.
When you wake up, if you forget this exercise,
find yourself in the bathroom, see that note,
go back to bed and start over.
That's how it will become a habit.
So this is the first practice.
The second moment of intentionality is when you get back home.
Say you're with your spouse, and your high school buddy shows up.
Who will be more interesting for the next five minutes?
High school buddy. Absolutely.
Why? Because there's novelty.
Between you and your high school buddy is novelty,
between you and your spouse, I assume, is love.
See how novelty beats love?
100 percent of the time.
If you want to enjoy your personal life,
the key is to find novelty where love is.
Let's say you have not met your partner for 30 days.
Are you going to find them a little more novel after that gap, yes?
So the idea is to meet your family at the end of each day, intentionally,
as if you are meeting them after 30 days.
So what I do is -
I don't have my cell phone with me right now, assume this to be it -
the first thing I do when I am in the garage is
I look at my cell phone,
I check all my emails.
Once I am done- I don't want to be-
You know, there was a recent picture on the internet
with a husband and wife hugging each other,
and behind the shoulder they are both checking their emails.
I don't want to be doing that at home.
So I get that out of the way;
I tell myself I'm going to meet a bunch of very special people
who I haven't met for quite some time,
and for three minutes I meet them
as if I haven't seen them for a long time.
Remembering transience, because our ten-year-old daughter
will be off to college in 2000 evenings.
I have finite time. We have finite time with everything.
And third and very important
and very difficult thing to do will be:
for the first three minutes when you're with your family,
don't try to improve anybody.
That's going to be very difficult
because we have this fault-finding machine, right?
Your smile is an admission of guilt.
Two supporting ideas here.
One is to be genuinely interested in what is of interest to them,
and second is creatively praise.
Probably this is going to be my most useful line of this evening.
Whenever you're not getting your spouse's or partner's attention
remember these words.
They work 100 percent of the time.
They start with something like this:
"Honey, you were really right when you..."
and then fill anything after that.
(Laughter)
It'll work, everybody loves to hear how they were right.
You've got five minutes of undivided attention.
"Yes, yes, tell me how was I right."
We don't do that enough.
The third practice is two seconds.
And that is how we look at each other,
how we engage with each other.
Let's say you were doing barbeque in your backyard,
and this gentleman shows up.
Umm... are you going to invite him to join you?
"Come, please have my dinner. Please have me for dinner."
Or something like that.
You'll probably call 911, right?
But our ancestors didn't have 911,
so they had to make a quick judgement:
Is this person trustworthy?
Can I trust him with my cattle, my house, my family? Right?
So we develop a judgmental attention.
So when you look at this gentleman, looks perfectly fit,
but that is how long it took for you to make those five judgments.
You know, it takes 30 milliseconds
for us to decide if someone is trustworthy or not.
30 milliseconds, before we even know who that person is.
But when you look at him,
he has the same neural predispositions.
He spends a lot of time mind wandering.
He focuses on threats and imperfections.
He carries negativity bias.
He adapts to the good.
He compares, doesn't feel good about himself.
So kind attention is very simple.
When you see people, before your mind starts judging others,
for the first two seconds,
instead of seeing negatively or neutrally,
align your heart and send them a silent "I wish you well."
I wish you well. I wish you hope. I wish you healing.
This is how we need to create our world;
we keep silently wishing each other well.
You don't have to say it.
It's just a private intention.
You can consider a two-second prayer for the other person,
if you have a faith-based practice.
What happens is that your whole engagement with the world changes.
Your threat perception goes down.
Now, I don't want you to start this downtown at 2 AM in the morning
when two big shadows are coming towards you.
You want to start in a place where it feels safe, etc.
So looking at the world
the way we want the world to look at your kids.
These are all intentional sprinkle practices.
We are not meditating on emptiness or breath.
We are meditating on wisdom, and love, and relationships.
That is what we need, and we are sprinkling it.
So we are not adding more milk to your glass of milk;
we are adding chocolate powder to your milk.
So the whole life becomes better,
because they join together to lift your entire day.
The next group of practice is once your attention is in your control,
is to reframe life's challenges using higher order principles,
and these are the five principles in our life:
gratitude, compassion, acceptance, meaning, and forgiveness.
The way we've structured our program is Mondays are our days of gratitude.
On Monday be a little bit like Matthew Henry.
He was once robbed in London and he said: "I'm so grateful.
This is the first time I'm being robbed. Never been robbed before. How nice it is."
And, "I was the one robbed; not the one doing the robbing."
Tuesday is compassion.
Be kind to others.
Wednesday is acceptance.
Be creatively working with what is.
Think about: will it matter five years from now?
Thursday is higher meaning.
And Friday is forgiveness.
Note that in our program, you only have to forgive on Friday,
you don't have to forgive the entire week.
(Laughter)
This doesn't mean if you're very nerdy that on Friday you don't say,
"I can't be compassionate because compassion is only on Tuesdays."
It means to be flowing and easy.
So the idea is by applying these principles,
when science has met spirituality,
it creates a milieu for transformation.
This is wisdom, this is timeless wisdom
that sages have told us, that scientists are finding.
Science is nothing but systematic study of spirituality.
That's what I believe; science doesn't know it.
Science will know it at some point.
I believe that this is what the children of our world need.
They want us adults to be grateful, to be compassionate,
to be accepting, to live our life with meaning
and have forgiveness, and if we do that,
we will create a wonderful world for them.
Thank you.
(Applause)