hi i'm kristen bell
and i am one lucky
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seriously i've been fortunate to be a
part of so many amazing shows the good
place veronica mars
my cameo and bubble guppies and
momsplaining because being a mom is the
best
worst job in the world
and i like explaining things i've done
26 episodes of mom's planning over the
past five years and it has been such a
light in my life i even did a few
episodes with my pal andy lassner
i got a question do you know where
babies come from
the area of a woman and from
and into a family
oh
well this is going to be fun
we have procured a machine that
simulates the pain of labor contractions
now
is it supposed to hurt in my back it's
back labor yeah just
his back labor wait next we're done is
he's still going um
i don't see a baby so i don't think
we're done
daddy what sex mommy and daddy have come
out of the shower and they haven't
gotten dressed yet sometimes they hug
but here's the thing
you know uncle mike yeah and his husband
steve
they too
are in love what are the bases have you
asked your mother about this hummer i
brought along some dilators that a lot
of women don't know about you're
stretching out the entrance to the
vagina
i can't i'm sorry doctor i'm in hell
right now no this
this is something you got to deal with i
know but you could have found someone
who doesn't have the maturity level of
an eight-year-old
scared andy with this pink uterus
we're parents yeah so we've made babies
right but not
parents together no not together but
we've done baby stuff chill man we
talked about this where did the babies
come
from out of there
that's exactly right vagina so this is
to me what love is a woman with making
milk for a baby
and then the baby drinks the milk
thank you andy please tell me we're done
we are done
thank you andy you make everything
uncomfortable
now if you know me you know i never lie
that's a lie but i always try not to and
that's the truth in one episode they
even surprised me with a lie detector
test
kristen are you wearing a purple dress
yes
true
do you think a finger shaped after
dinner snack is a good description of a
cheeto yes
true
when you were in france
and you got a massage from a sexy
masseuse
was there any hanky-panky i wish
true
right
are you sick of sloths
no
july
this one is from your husband
no i i'm scared
have you ever put fingernail trimmings
on someone's active dinner plate
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it was not an active plate
he finished the meal
i was trimming my nails
i had one
i put it on the plate that he was done
with and then all of a sudden he gets
hungry again and said that's my active
dinner plate
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i told you i never lie
and i maintain that he was done eating
and i do endorse this behavior for all
moms i've had a lot of firsts on this
show lots of things i've never done
before because it's important for
parents to know they're not alone
hi i'm kristen bell mother of two human
children and i have a vagina and i had
butt worms oh had
you can do anything talk about
multitasking oh love that variation
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ooh all right my vagina needs a break
here's my i left my kid with the ipad
for five hours back i said uh in front
of my kids badge
i actually have a few of those
[Applause]
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he's not going to bite you hard but he
might be looking for milk wow
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don't settle for your parents first
offer okay
don't tell them that we told you that
but they will always go higher they'll
go a little higher okay
okay this is your vagina right thank you
very much
and this is what happens
oh my god that's poorly
and sometimes that happens and if it
does they can sit you up
that watermelon thing is not an
exaggeration
that is for real unfortunately when we
started season two of momsplaining i
said you know what's a totally normal
thing we should do we should find a
woman going into labor and help her
birth that baby
unfortunately we didn't find one we
found two
that's what doctors do
raise the bed up
listen
with them coming in my heart's racing so
fast
big push go ahead girl that's it
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hi nice to meet you
beautiful job
we did really good there i got to go
back to work we got another baby
hi how are we doing two three pushes
that's it
yeah no problem no problem
you need to touch a little bit
let's go
[Applause]
brand new parents meeting their brand
new human and leaving here a brand new
family
you are not gonna believe this but that
squished up wrinkly little earthworm is
here right now oh
you wanna go in the pool
janissa and martha please come sit down
with me
hi
martha it's so nice to see you oh
oh my goodness
oh it fell let's get it up then you want
to get it mom's more like to look at
yeah i'll watch here because i i can
drown
yes there you go
she's a water baby a water baby now
she's three a bell
i got it has anything surprised you
about being a mom the schedule the
sleeping the whole eating it's like
there's no rule book really yeah i mean
everything gets thrown out the window
they tell you you know your your mom
your mother-in-law your sister like
everyone has an input but you just have
to do things like your way and if you
know if it works it works and if it
doesn't then there's no right or wrong i
thought the same thing i read all these
parenting books got advice from everyone
and i was like i can take all this
advice and what i don't want i don't
have to use
you can't really just worry about what
other people think it's
you sound like you are an excellent mama
so thank you those are all the things i
think
are important and i'm still on a
gigantic learning curve and by the way
thank you for letting me be
in such an intimate setting with your
family how do you think i did that day
am i a doctor i was telling all my
family you know a perfect doula doctor
kristen bell was like watching your
you know yeah your nanny yeah it was
gorgeous and then this thing came out
and it got like a hundred times more
yeah i'm like you know what it that's
what the body is for like the woman's
body that's what it does so that's what
it does what would you say the best part
about being a mom is the best part
honestly would be just seeing them happy
and when they're young enough that you
know they're not yet saying that i love
you mommy just to get like yeah because
they want something yeah
do you know the last time i saw you you
were covered in goo
do you remember that
hold on i think it's probably the oh
yeah how about now do you remember me
no
how about now
push
no her memory's a little yeah a little
foggy but that's all right i think
you're gonna do great things
i mean no pressure
well if you ever decide to have another
kid i promise i will make myself
available i will even provide the kiddie
pool for a water birth because yeah i am
a dog
how many ladies oh this is mommy juice
yeah mommy's juice that's mommy's juice