("Friends" intro music)
She wants me to take responsibility for everything
that went wrong in our relationship.
I mean she goes on for five pages
about how I was unfaithful to her.
We were on a break!
(audience laughing)
Oh, my God!
If you say that one more time,
I'm gonna breakup with you.
(audience laughing)
Fine, but this breakup was not all my fault.
And she says here, "If you accept full responsibility,"
full responsibility, "I can begin to trust you again.
"Does that seem like something you can do?
"Does it?!"
(audience laughing)
No.
(audience laughing)
Hmm, there was a Geller Cup?
Yes, it was the trophy you got
if you won the game.
But our dad said, nobody won that game,
and he was sick of our fighting.
So he took the trophy...
(audience laughing)
Threw it in the lake.
(audience laughing)
And was the curse lifted?
(audience laughing)
Anyway.
That's when mom said
we were not allowed to play football again.
You know what?
I think we should play a game.
I mean, come on, it's been 12 years.
Can I see you for a second?
(audience laughing)
Wuss?
All right, we're gonna play.
(audience laughing)
Wait a minute though, how're we gonna get there?
Because my mom won't let me cross the street.
(audience laughing)
("Friends" music)
The lightning round.
- Ooh. - Ooh.
30 seconds, all the questions you can answer.
You guys are dead.
I am so good at lightning rounds!
(audience laughing)
I majored in lightning rounds,
(audience laughing) all right.
We're gonna destroy you.
Wanna bet?
I'm so confused as to what we've been doing so far?
(audience laughing)
How about we play for more money?
Say 150?
$150.
(audience laughing)
Say 200?
$200.
You're doing it again.
Excuse me.
(audience laughing)
Monica, I don't wanna lose $200.
We won't.
300.
(audience laughing)
Monica!
I'm just trying to spice it up.
Okay, so then play for some pepper.
Stop spending my money.
(audience laughing)
I got it.
How about, if we win, they have to get rid of the rooster.
Ooh, that's interesting.
(audience laughing)
Hey, hey, no way, that rooster's family.
Throw in the duck too.
What do you have against the duck,
it doesn't make any noise!
Ah, he get the other one all riled up.
(audience laughing)
- Look, we are not--
- Hold on!
If you win, we give up the birds.
(Joey gasps)
(audience laughing)
But if we win?
We get your apartment.
Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo.
- Deal. (audience laughing)
Phoebe.
Your note.
Amazing (chuckles).
Not only did no one touch my sandwich,
but people at work are actually afraid of me.
Yeah, I guy called me mental.
"Mental Geller."
Yeah. (audience laughing)
I've always wanted a cool nickname like that.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, the best you got in high school
was a Wet-pants-Geller.
It was a water fountain, okay!
(audience laughing)
Anyway, people are writing reports for me,
pushing back deadlines to fit my schedule.
I'm telling you, you get tough with people
and you can get anything you want.
Hey, Tribbiani give me that coffee.
Now!
(Ross thuds on the floor) (audience laughing)
I'm the Holiday Armadillo!
(audience laughing)
I'm a friend of Santa's,
and he sent me here to wish you a Merry Christmas.
(audience laughing)
What happened to Santa, Holiday Armadillo?
(audience laughing)
Santa was unavailable so close to Christmas.
(audience laughing)
Wow, come in have seat.
You must be exhausted coming all the way from Texas.
(audience laughing)
Look, I studied karate for a long time,
(audience laughing)
and there's a concept you should really be familiar with.
It's what the Japanese call unagi.
(audience laughing)
Isn't that a kind of sushi?
(audience laughing)
- No, it's a concept.
- Yeah, it is, it is.
It's freshwater eel.
(audience laughing)
All right, maybe it means that too.
Oh, I would kill for a salmon skin roll right now.
(audience laughing)
You know, fine, get attacked, I don't even care.
(audience laughing)
Come on Ross, we're sorry.
Please tell us what it is?
(audience laughing)
Unagi is a state of total awareness, okay.
Only by achieving true unagi can you be prepared
for any danger that may befall you.
(audience laughing)
("Friends" music)
(audience gasping)
Okay, Ross, I realize that you didn't expect to walk in
and see that.
But, let me explain, okay.
We weren't doing anything.
(audience laughing)
- Rach, he just saw us.
- Shh.
(audience laughing)
But, what you saw that is the extent of it, okay.
One kiss--
No, come on, that is a lie.
We also kissed in Barbados.
Dude, chill!
(audience laughing)
Okay, we also kissed in Barbados.
But, we didn't plan it, okay.
And the only reason that that happened
was because I saw you kissing Charlie.
Yeah, you started it.
(audience laughing)
I have go to chill.
(audience laughing)
Look, we probably should have talked to you
about this before it ever happened.
But (sighs).
Oh, we feel so terrible about this Ross.
Yeah, but it did happen, so (sighs).
(audience laughing)
Ross?
(audience laughing)
Ross?
(audience laughing)
Oh, look, there's Monica and Chandler.
Hey!
Hey, you guys!
Hey!
(audience laughing)
Oh.
(Phoebe screaming)
Chandler and Monica!
- Oh, my God.
- Chandler and Monica!
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my eyes!
My eyes!
- Phoebe, Phoebe.
It's okay.
- No, they're doing it.
- I know, I know.
I know.
- You know.
- Yes, I know.
And Joey knows, but Ross doesn't know.
So you have to stop screaming.
Oh, Phoebe.
You look great.
All right, already.
(audience laughing)
Ooh, are you gonna do magic?
(audience laughing)
That's funny.
Change.
Hang on a second, I just got in.
Look, I don't care,
it starts at 08:00.
We can't be late.
We could not, would not want to wait.
(audience laughing)
Look, our table is down in front, okay.
My boss is gonna be there.
Everyone will see if we arrive after it starts.
Has somebody been drinking my fat?
(audience laughing)
You guys, does this look like something
the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear?
I don't know.
You might be the first one.
(audience laughing)
Rach, did you check the machine?
No.
You know what?
This is the outfit that makes my calves look fat.
Never mind.
(audience laughing)
Well, Joey, I wrote a little song today.
It's called "Get up".
(audience laughing)
All right.
You can have the chair.
Really?
Oh, my, would you look at that (laughs).
(audience laughing)
I'm with somebody else.
I'm happy.
This ship has sailed.
Okay, so what are you saying.
You just gonna put away feelings or whatever the hell it was
that you felt for me.
I've been doing it since the ninth grade,
I've gotten pretty damned good at it.
All right, fine, you go ahead and do that, all right Ross.
I don't need your stupid ship.
- [Ross] Good.
- Good.
And you know what?
Now I've got closure.
(door slams)
(locks clicking)
(Rachel crying)
(footsteps thudding on the floor)
(door clicking)
(door banging)
(audience laughing)
(door banging)
(audience laughing)
Try the bottom one.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)