HEY, GUYS, GUESS WHAT?
BARRY AND MINDY ARE GETTING A DIVORCE.
( exclamations)
WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!
NO-- BARRY AND MINDY.
OH. SORRY.
I HEAR DIVORCE, I IMMEDIATELY GO TO ROSS.
WHO-WHO'S BARRY AND MINDY?
BARRY WAS THE GUY THAT I ALMOST MARRIED
AND MINDY WAS MY BEST FRIEND.
WASN'T HE CHEATING ON YOU WITH HER?
YEAH, BUT THAT JUST MEANS
THAT HE WAS FALLING ASLEEP ON TOP OF HER INSTEAD OF ME.
AH.
GOD, COULD YOU IMAGINE IF I'D ACTUALLY MARRIED HIM?
HOW DIFFERENT WOULD MY LIFE BE?
Ross: I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED HOW DIFFERENT MY LIFE WOULD BE
IF I'D NEVER GOTTEN DIVORCED.
WHICH TIME? THE FIRST TIME.
NO, SERIOUSLY, IMAGINE IF CAROL
HADN'T REALIZED SHE WAS A LESBIAN.
I CAN'T.
I KEEP SEEING IT THE GOOD WAY.
I BET I'D STILL BE DOING MY KARA-TE.
TOWARDS THE END OF OUR MARRIAGE, I WAS DOING A LOT OF KARATE
AS A WAY OF RELEASING THE TENSION
FROM, YOU KNOW, NOT DOING ANYTHING ELSE PHYSICAL.
MAYBE THE PROBLEM WAS
YOU WERE PRONOUNCING IT "KARA-TE."
WHAT IF I WAS STILL FAT?
Y-YOU WOULDN'T BE DATING ME, THAT'S FOR SURE.
SURE I WOULD.
OH, YEAH. OH, COME ON.
WHAT? YOU GUYS REALLY THINK I'M THAT SHALLOW?
NO, I JUST THINK MONICA WAS THAT FAT.
HEY, IMAGINE IF I'D NEVER GOT FIRED
OFF DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
HEY, HEY, THERE'S CAROL AGAIN.
WHAT IF I HAD HAD THE GUTS TO QUIT MY JOB?
I'D PROBABLY BE WRITING FOR THE NEW YORKER--
BEING PAID TO BE FUNNY.
BUT MY JOB'S FUN, TOO.
I MEAN... TOMORROW, I... I DON'T HAVE TO WEAR A TIE.
WHAT IF I HAD TAKEN THAT JOB AT MERRILL LYNCH?
WHAT? WHAT?
MERRILL LYNCH?
YEAH. I HAD A MASSAGE CLIENT WHO WORKED THERE
AND HE SAID I HAD A KNACK FOR STOCKS.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE THE JOB?
BECAUSE AT THAT TIME, YOU SEE
I THOUGHT THAT EVERYTHING THAT RHYMED WAS TRUE.
SO, I THOUGHT, YOU KNOW, IF I WORKED WITH STOCKS
I'D HAVE TO LIVE IN A BOX AND ONLY EAT LOX
AND HAVE A PET FOX...
HEY, DO YOU GUYS THINK IF ALL THOSE THINGS HAPPENED
WE'D STILL HANG OUT?
SO, MONICA
STILL GOING OUT WITH DR. BORING, HUH?
HE'S NOT BORING.
HE'S JUST...
HE'S JUST LOW KEY.
HERE WE GO.
ONE HAZELNUT LATTE.
THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW
THE HAZELNUT-- ACTUALLY NOT A NUT.
IT'S A SEED.
WOW.
CAN ANYONE ELSE NAME A WELL-KNOWN SEED
THAT'S BEEN MASQUERADING AS A NUT?
OH, DEAR GOD, LET ME THINK.
HEY.
Joey: HEY.
OH, NO. WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I JUST GOT ANOTHER REJECTION LETTER.
THEY SAID MY WRITING WAS FUNNY, JUST NOT "ARCHIE COMIC FUNNY."
YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY?
I GOT TO GET BACK TO THE HOSPITAL.
ALL RIGHT. MMM.
OKAY. BYE.
OH, UH...
BY THE WAY, THE ANSWER IS...
THE BRAZIL NUT.
AH.
WAS HIS QUESTION "WHAT'S MORE BORING THAN HIM?"
HEY, MAN, LOOK, SORRY ABOUT THAT ARCHIE THING.
YOU NEED ME TO GIVE YOU SOME MONEY?
HEY, I MAY HAVE NO MONEY, BUT I STILL HAVE MY PRIDE.
REALLY?
EH...
HEY, MAYBE JOEY DOESN'T HAVE TO GIVE YOU THE MONEY.
TV STARS HAVE ASSISTANTS, RIGHT?
THAT'S AN IDEA.
HEY, IF I HIRED AN ASSISTANT, WOULD YOU TAKE MONEY FROM HER?
NO, JOEY.
CHANDLER COULD BE YOUR ASSISTANT.
SEE, HE COULD ANSWER ALL YOUR FAN MAIL AND STUFF.
THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
LET'S DO THAT.
IT COULD GIVE ME TIME TO WRITE.
ALL RIGHT, GREAT. WELCOME ABOARD.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
I NEED TO USE THE BATHROOM
AND SINCE I DON'T NEED ASSISTANCE
IN THERE, TAKE A BREAK!
ALL RIGHT.
HEY.
Monica: HEY, PHOEBE.
GUESS WHAT? WHAT?
JOEY JUST HIRED CHANDLER TO BE HIS ASSISTANT.
OH, THAT'S SO SWEET.
( phone ringing)
OH, HANG ON... HANG ON!
( ringing continues)
GO.
NO. NO, NO.
I SAID SELL WHEN IT HITS 50.
FIVE-"O". IT'S A NUMBER.
IT COMES AFTER FOUR-NINE.
OH, IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.
YOU'RE ALLOWED ONE MISTAKE.
JUST KIDDING.
YOU ARE, OF COURSE, FIRED.