- The human brain is not built to deal
with more than about five to nine options.
After that, the brain just spaces out.
You choose nobody.
Hi, I'm Dr. Helen Fisher.
I'm a biological anthropologist.
I study love.
And this is Love Support.
[upbeat music]
This person calls herself Ruth Bader.
"Love at first sight is probably bull [beep], right?"
Wrong.
Love at first sight is extremely easy to explain.
This is a brain system,
it's like the fear system or the anger system,
and it can be triggered instantly.
You gotta be ready for it,
and we all carry in our head what I call a love map,
an unconscious and conscious list
of what you're looking for in a partner.
But the moment comes, you're ready to fall in love,
you see somebody from across the crowded room, or wherever,
they fit within your love map,
you go over and you speak to them,
they smile sweetly at you,
they say something that's funny or charming or interesting,
and boom, instantly triggered that brain circuitry
for romantic love.
Attachment, that other brain system, grows slowly.
You have to get to know somebody
to begin to feel attachment.
But romantic love can be instant, yes.
This is from issyleen.
"Who created love?
"This shit is too much to handle."
Well, love evolved.
For millions of years we have formed partnerships,
pair bonding, or monogamy.
Mono means one and gamy means spouse, one spouse.
That's all it means to scientists.
People are also adulterous, but they form partnerships.
97% of mammals do not pair up to rear their young.
People do. It's a hallmark of the human animal.
And along with the evolution of pair bonding
came the evolution of the human brain systems
for the sex drive, romantic love,
and feelings of deep attachment.
I and my colleagues have put 15 people into a brain scanner
who had just been rejected in love,
and the brain goes, just the wiring just goes crazy.
I mean, when you're madly in love with somebody
and you've been dumped, it's one of the worst experiences.
I mean, people pine for love, they live for love,
they kill for love, and they die for love.
And I do think that it is an addiction,
because we found activity in a particular brain region,
it's called the nucleus accumbens.
That particular brain region is active
in all of the addictions, all the substance addictions,
all the behavioral addictions like gambling,
and it becomes just as active
when you've been rejected in love.
And when this person says,
"This shit is too much to handle."
Well, we all do handle it.
The vast majority of us do get over it.
And I've been able to prove in the brain that time does heal
because it is our survival.
It is a survival mechanism.
It evolved millions of years ago,
and it will be with us millions of years from now.
Romantic love is primordial,
it's adaptable, and it's eternal.
So this shit will always be too much to handle,
but will do it anyway.
This person is skzismyuniverse.
"How to try and fall in love during a pandemic?
"Dating apps aren't really doing it."
They're doing it for a lot of people.
About 40% of singles in America
said that they met their last first date on the internet.
The two mistakes that they make,
perhaps this person is making them to.
First mistake is they binge.
The human brain is not built to deal
with more than about five to nine options.
After that, the brain just spaces out.
You choose nobody.
So the first thing that you've got to do
is after you've met nine people,
and that's what this person needs to do,
get off the internet site, get off of it,
and get to know at least one of these people better.
The more you get to know somebody,
the better you tend to like them.
So number one, don't binge.
Number two, think of reasons to say yes instead of no.
We have this big brain region linked with negativity bias.
We're built to remember the negative.
And when you have just met somebody
you know so little about them
that you overweight those few things that you know.
And so you'll say, "Oh, I don't know.
"She likes cats, I like dogs.
"Never gonna work."
Get over it.
Think of reasons to say yes.
I call it positive illusions,
the ability to overlook what you don't like about somebody
and focus on what you do.
This is from somebody called theejenbunny2.
"Can you truly be in love and cheat?"
Alas, you can.
You know, these are different brain systems.
Sex drive and romantic love or different brain systems,
and you can be mad madly in love with somebody
and also sleep around.
As a matter of fact, I do think that the brain
is unfortunately built for both.
I've looked at adultery in 40 cultures
and you see it everywhere in the world, even in places
where you could get your head chopped off for it.
We seem to have the ability to be madly in love
with some person and deeply attached to that person,
and also sneak around.
I call it a dual human reproductive strategy,
a tremendous drive to fall in love,
form a partnership, and have your babies, and also to cheat.
Next up is from rodneyjgavino.
"Google search: How does attraction work?"
Why him? Why her?
Why do you fall in love with one person rather than another?
There's all kinds of cultural reasons.
We tend to fall in love when the timing is right.
We tend to fall in love with somebody who's around.
Proximity is important.
We tend to fall in love with somebody
from the same ethnic and socioeconomic background,
somebody of the same level of education.
And there's four basic brain systems
that each one of them is associated with a constellation,
a suite, a group of personality traits:
dopamine, serotonin, testosterone, and estrogen systems.
I created a questionnaire to see to what degree
you express the traits
in all four of these basic brain systems.
It's now been taken by over 15 million people
in 40 countries, and I'm able to watch
who's naturally drawn to whom.
If you're very high on the traits in the dopamine system,
risk taking, novelty seeking, curious, creative,
you tend to be drawn to people like yourself.
If you are very high on the traits of the serotonin system,
you tend to be traditional, conventional, follow the rules,
respect, authority, detail oriented rather than theoretical.
You're also drawn to people like yourself.
So if you're very high testosterone,
you tend to be analytical, logical, direct, decisive,
good at things like math, engineering, computers, music,
music's very structural,
and you're drawn to your opposite.
High estrogen people, and this is men as well as women,
many more are women in that category,
they tend to see the big picture, they think long term,
they're very imaginative,
very good at reading posture, gesture, tone of voice.
We all express all four systems.
This is what the problem is
with most personality questionnaires today.
They put you in one bucket or another.
We express all four brain systems and the traits in each,
but we express some more than others.
Now, there's all kinds of circumstances
where people are drawn to their opposite in ways
because they had a bad love affair,
they've been running around all their lives
and now they want something more stable
so they go for the traditional
even if they're very risk taking.
That's human variety.
But the bottom line is there's patterns to culture,
there's patterns to nature,
and there's patterns to personality.
This is from sadshortfriend2.
"How does someone know if they're feeling romantic
"or platonic attraction?"
There's a real list of traits
that are associated with feelings of romantic love
and they are not associated with platonic attraction.
The first thing that happens when you fall in love
is somebody takes on special meaning.
Everything about them becomes special.
The car they drive looks different
from every other car in the parking lot.
The house that they live in, the street that they live on,
the music that they like.
When it's a platonic attraction,
not everything is special about this human being.
You like them.
I mean, you're attracted to them,
you find them amusing or funny or interesting,
but you're not obsessed with them.
But if you had to think about one, just one trait,
that is most distinctive between the two,
when you're madly in love with somebody
in a romantic attraction you are obsessed.
And in a platonic attraction
you don't think about them night and day.
This person is ReprogramCoach.
"Is online dating killing romance?"
It can't kill romance.
This is a basic brain system.
It evolved millions of years ago.
It's like hunger or thirst or anger or fear.
You can't kill romance.
My next up is from NitaBeater.
"I wonder what's actually going on through our bodies
"when we think we're in love.
"Like, what chemicals are enhanced."
I and my colleagues have put over 100 people
into a brain scanner who were madly in love.
The first group were people who were happily in love,
the second were a group of people who were rejected in love,
and the third was a group of people
who were in love long term.
So we put these people in the brain scanner,
we had them look at a photograph of their sweetheart
and also a neutral photograph
so we could compare the brain under both circumstances,
and we were able to find that everybody who's madly in love,
rejected in love, or in love long term
begins to have activity in a tiny little factory
near the base of the brain
called the ventral tegmental area.
It's way at the base of the brain.
And that brain region actually makes dopamine
and sends dopamine to many brain regions
giving you that focus, the motivation, the obsession,
the craving of intense romantic love.
And what's interesting to me is that little factory,
the VTA, lies right next to the factory
that orchestrates thirst and hunger.
Thirst and hunger keep you alive today.
Romantic love enables you to focus your mating energy
on just one individual at a time
and start the mating process
and send your DNA into tomorrow.
This is from catchmyfly.
"Do you believe in soulmates?
"If so, do you believe you can have more than one?"
Yes, and yes.
I do believe in soulmates.
I do not believe you can have more than one at a time.
So now, what is a soulmate?
I think what this person means
is somebody who it's a true love.
You're not gonna sleep with other people.
You're not thinking of going anywhere.
You might even consider dying for him or her.
It is a very deep, genuine attachment,
intense feeling of romantic love.
And I think that this is summed up best by a poet
from the 15th century in India named Kabir.
"The lane of love is narrow.
"There's room for only one."
And indeed, when you're madly in love,
it's with only one person.
I do believe you can have a soulmate.
I think that you may have a series of soulmates,
but I don't think you can have
more than one soulmate at a time.
From somebody called dancewithvoices.
"Why don't people associate love with the heart?
"Why not the penis or the sternum?"
There may be a physiological reason
why it has been associated with love,
and that is there's a lot of characteristics,
a lot of things happen when you fall madly in love,
and one of them is the heart can really pound
when you're really nervous about something.
I mean, when you're madly in love,
not only do you feel that ecstasy, euphoria, sleeplessness,
loss of appetite, obsessive thinking about the person,
craving for emotional union,
but also all kinds of physiological responses.
Weak knees maybe, a pounding heart.
It really started in the 1300s
with Giotto in a painting.
Prior to that, there were a lot of uses
of the shape of the heart.
In fact, as early as 5,000 years ago in the Indus Valley,
they were drawing things that looked like
the shape of a heart.
And at that point it was the seed
of a form of parsley plant or an ivy leaf.
But it became associated with romantic love
probably with the painting by Giotto in 1309.
This is from Jay at 53k1.
"I lust hard and lose interest quick.
"How does that work?"
Well, you're not ready to fall in love.
We've evolved three distinctly different brain systems
for mating and reproduction.
One is the sex drive linked with testosterone
in both men and women.
The second is romantic love.
We've been able to prove this is linked
with the dopamine system in both men and women.
That's what gives you the focus,
the motivation, the obsession.
And the third brain system is attachment,
that sense of calm and security
you can feel with a longterm partner.
And this individual he's in the lust stage.
He's not ready to fall in love.
You know, you have to be ready to fall in love
to actually do it,
and he's just experiencing a different brain system,
the lust system.
This question is from gertig.
It's a very interesting question.
"Any good data out there on divorce rates
"for couples that meet via online dating sites?"
Apparently if you met somebody online,
as opposed to offline, you're less likely to divorce,
just by a little, but you are less likely to divorce.
People who date online are more likely to be fully employed,
more likely to have higher education,
and more likely to be interested in a committed partnership.
This is from Raki'a Rae.
"How can you be in love with somebody and jealous of them?"
Easily.
When you're madly in love with somebody,
it's called mate guarding.
Other animals do it too.
And if you see your partner beginning to flirt
with other individuals, you could lose that partner,
you could lose your children, you could lose your house,
you could lose your friends, you could lose your money.
I mean, you know, the game of love matters.
This is from LaMattina10.
"Question of the day," this person writes.
"Couples that do the this together
"have 20% more love hormones.
"It's not dirty."
Well, I don't know what this person has in mind,
but I would say play.
When you play with somebody
you're driving up the dopamine system in the brain
and that gives you focus, motivation, energy, and optimism.
Play with somebody, stay with somebody.
Oh, that's it. That's all the questions.
I enjoyed answering them.
Thank you for joining me.
'Til next time.