-Welcome, everybody.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. [ Cheers and applause ]
That's what I'm talking about. I love it.
Well, let's get to some news. Everybody is talking about this.
The U.S. has examined recovered pieces of the Chinese
spy balloon, and today they announced that it had
technology to monitor our communications.
[ Audience oohs ]
When they heard that, Siri and Alexa were like,
"Oh, hell no, that's our job. Come on."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, they were tracking all of our communications,
including phone calls and text messages.
The balloon was like, "Based on what we've gathered,
we should invest in eggplants."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Meanwhile, AT&T told their customers, "Relax, they can't
spy on you if you can't get a signal."
You know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ]
Some more news, President Biden just said
the classified documents found at his home and office
were from the 1970s.
Yep, they were mostly about trying to determine
the exact location of Funkytown.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Some more news on the President. In a new interview ahead of
his expected re-election campaign, Biden dismissed
concerns about his age and said, "Watch me. It's all I can say."
[ Laughter ]
Then someone was like, "Sir, you're talking to a mannequin."
He's like, "Oh, I'm sorry." [ Laughter ]
Listen, I'm not saying he's old,
but Biden actually ate the original Werther's Original.
[ Laughter ]
Does that make sense?
Actually, Vice President Harris expressed her confidence
in Biden, calling him a very bold and vibrant president.
Bold and vibrant.
[ Laughter ]
Sounds like something you say when you're asked to describe
a wine but you don't know what you're talking about.
You're like, "Bold. I'm getting a lot of vibrant."
Bold and vibrant. It's always good when you
describe a president the way Sephora describes a lipstick.
[ Laughter ]
Did you guys see this? Today, a top Southwest Airlines
executive testified before Congress
over the holiday travel meltdown.
And just to mess with him, right when he showed up
for his hearing, Congress canceled it.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, he said the problem is solved,
but I'm not sure I believe him.
He flew to D.C. on JetBlue.
[ Laughter ]
Well, guys, the Super Bowl is just a few days away.
Are you guys excited about it? [ Cheers and applause ]
I'm excited.
I'm looking forward to it. As you've probably heard by now,
two brothers, Travis and Jason Kelce, are playing against
each other in this Sunday's Super Bowl.
So their mom, Donna Kelce,
has been in the news a lot this week.
And here she is right here.
I saw that -- I know. How cute.
It's like a mixed jersey. I love it.
So, I saw that Donna packed her homemade chocolate chip cookies
for her boys in Arizona and sent it to them.
Check this out. This is a photo of them.
Isn't that cute? [ Audience aws ]
She wrote their names and "love, Mom" on the Tupperware.
Yeah, classic mom move. I love that.
Well, she also sent cookies to other people as well.
-Did she really? -Yeah, first Donna sent cookies
to Tom Brady and wrote...
[ Laughter ]
-Wow! -Nice.
-Sweet, so sweet. -Then she sent cookies to
Rob Gronkowski and wrote...
[ Laughter ]
Then she sent cookies to Olivia Manning,
the mother of Peyton and Eli, and wrote...
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Wow. -Wow.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Then she sent cookies to Rihanna and wrote...
[ Laughter ] You can't. She's taken. Yeah.
And finally, she sent cookies to Patrick Mahomes and wrote...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Nice lady.
-Spicy cookies. -Well, listen to this.
King Charles just became the first monarch in British history
to be featured on postal stamps without a crown.
-Ohh! -Can we see the photo?
Yeah. There you go.
It looks like a sad dime.
[ Laughter ]
People complained he should be wearing a crown.
Charles was like, "Oh, lick me."
[ Laughter ]
"I'm a stamp. I'm a postage stamp."
Some big movie news, Disney just announced that they're working
on sequels to "Toy Story" and "Frozen."
Yeah, Prince Harry heard the words "frozen" and "woody"
and had a traumatic flashback.
[ Laughter ]
-Put a crown on it.
-Well, get this, in an effort to fill seats, I heard that
movie theaters are offering more upscale food and drink options.
It's weird when a waiter comes to your seat with nacho cheese
and is like, "Say when."
[ Laughter ]
There's even a sommelier that you can beckon over.
Like, "What wine pairs well with 'Knock at the Cabin'?"
[ Laughter ]
Something bold and vibrant.
[ Laughter ]
People are excited about this. Chick-fil-A is debuting
a new fried cauliflower sandwich.
[ Audience cheers ]
People say it really tastes like chicken if you just add
a little salt, pepper, and chicken.
[ Laughter ]
Well, guys, as I mentioned, the Super Bowl is almost here,
and it seems like everyone is looking forward to
Rihanna's halftime show.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I got to say, people online have some pretty wild thoughts
about what song she might do.
I'm sure whatever she does is going to work, work, work, work
because she's just too good of a performer.
Anyone who says different is just being rude.
Boy, girl, everyone loves her.
Yeah, I said it.
She's performing live, and she's under a lot of pressure.
I mean, sure there's a delay of about four, five seconds,
but still, anyway, make sure you get a good seat
for the halftime show where no one will disturb ya.
I'll tell you, if anyone at my party isn't paying attention,
they can shut up and drive to their own house
because the monster performance she's about to give,
she's the only girl in the world that can do it.
When you think about it, she's just what the game needed.
Me? I'm just hoping they don't stop the music.
Can you imagine if there were sound issues?
I mean, you'd send out an S.O.S. to fix that problem.
But I'm sure it will be just fine.
So from me to you, Riri, whatever you grace us with,
just know that everyone at the game will be telling each other
how you run this town.
And when you're done, take a bow.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Umbrella.
♪♪
Finally, I'm very excited about this.
Super Bowl LVII is happening this Sunday.
You have the Philadelphia Eagles...
[ Cheers and applause ]
...facing off against the Kansas City Chiefs.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now, as you know, after the game,
they give out awards like Most Valuable Player,
but they also give out awards before the game, too.
Did you know that? -No, I did not.
-Yeah, they do. I'll show you what I mean.
It's time for "Tonight Show Superlatives."
Here we go.
-♪ Tonight Show Superlatives ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Our first player is from the Chiefs.
It's their quarterback, Patrick Mahomes.
He was voted...
[ Applause ]
Next up, from the Eagles is quarterback Jalen Hurts.
He was voted...
"What's up, man? Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I guess Charlotte lives here."
Next up, from the Chiefs is Tommy Townsend.
He was voted...
Oh, is that...?
-Hey.
-Yeah, that's him.
Next up, from the Chiefs is Andrew Wylie.
He was voted...
[ Laughs ]
-Chug Lord. -Chug Lord. That's a title.
-Next up, from the Chiefs is Nick Allegretti.
He was voted...
That's very hard to do. Not easy.
Next up, from the Chiefs is Creed Humphrey.
He was voted...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next up, from the Eagles is Jake Elliott.
He was voted...
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Come on over here. He's just the cutest little thang."
And finally, from the Chiefs is Noah Gray.
He was voted...
There you have it, everybody. Those are your Superlatives.