- I don't want to be single, okay?
I just, I just, I just want to be married again.
(audience laughing)
(light upbeat music) You look pretty tonight.
- Oh thanks.
- Okay, everybody, this is Rachel,
another Lincoln High survivor.
This is everybody.
This is Chandler and Phoebe and Joey.
And you remember my brother Ross?
- Sure.
- Hey. - Hi.
(Rachel screams softly) (audience laughing)
- You know, you probably didn't know this
but back in high school, I had a major crush on you.
- I knew.
- You did?
Oh okay.
I always figured you just thought
it was Monica's geeky older brother.
- I did.
- Oh. (audience laughing)
Listen, do you think,
and try not to let my intense vulnerability
become any kind of a factor here,
but do you think it would be okay
if I asked you out sometime maybe?
- Yeah, maybe.
- Okay.
(upbeat music)
Okay, maybe I will.
(audience laughing)
- Remember when we were in high school together?
- Yeah?
- I mean, didn't you think
you were just going to meet someone,
fall in love, and that'd be it?
- See, I see a big passion in your future.
- You do? - I do.
- Oh, Ross, you're so great.
(audience laughing)
- It's never gonna happen.
- Monica is not coming,
it's just gonna be me and Rachel.
- This is a date.
You're going on a date.
- This is gonna sound really stupid
but I feel, I feel that if I can do this,
if I can actually do my own laundry,
there isn't anything I can't do.
- That does not sound stupid to me.
- Did you see that?
- You were incredible?
A brand new woman, ladies and gentlemen.
- Ross, thank you, thank you.
I could not have done this without you.
(lips smooching)
(audience laughing)
- Okay.
More clothes in the dryer?
Oh!
- Ross, I'm telling you,
she has no idea what you're thinking.
And if you don't ask her out soon,
you're gonna end up stuck in the zone forever.
- I will. I will.
I'm just, see I'm waiting for the right moment.
- So nice.
- Hey, I have a question.
- Okay. - Okay.
Here goes.
Hmm, well, for a while now I've been wanting to,
- Aw! - Yes, yes.
That's right. - Look at that little-
- What?
(Ross screaming)
- He remembered!
- Remembered what?
- It was like months ago,
we were walking by this antique store
and I saw this pin in the window
and I told him that it was just like one
my grandmother had when I was a little girl.
Oh, I can't believe he remembered!
- This must've cost him a fortune.
- I can't believe he did this.
- Come on, Ross, remember back in college,
when he fell in love with Carol
and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
- What did you just say?
(audience laughing)
- [Chandler] You're never gonna make it.
- Well, I've got to try!
- Rachel, what are you going to say to him?
- I don't know.
- [Chandler] Well, then maybe you shouldn't go.
- He's right.
'Cause if you're just gotta like break his heart,
that's the kinda thing that can wait.
- Yeah.
But if it's good news, you should tell him now.
- Look, all I know is that I cannot wait a week
until I see him.
I mean, this is just too big, you know?
I just, I just, I've just got to talk to him.
I got to, okay, I'll see you later.
- [Announcer] Beijing now arriving.
- Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Move, move, move, emergency, please!
I saw him get off that plane with her.
I really thought I just hit rock bottom.
But today, it's like there's rock bottom,
50 feet of crap,
then me.
(audience laughing)
- You got to tell Ross how you feel.
- Oh, come on!
How can I just tell him?
What about Julie?
- What about her?
They've only been going out for two weeks!
Ross has been in love with you for like 10 years.
- Rach, I got a message from you!
(audience laughing)
- Oh my God, Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone.
Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone!
(audience laughing)
- You're over me?
- Oh God!
- You're over me?
- Are you over me?
(door buzzing)
You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me.
- What?
- I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you.
- Hey, I was doing great before I found out about you.
You think it's easy for me to see you with Julie?
- Well then you should have said something before I met her.
- I didn't know then.
And how come you never said anything to me?
- There was never a good time.
- So what do you say?
You just sort of put away feelings
or whatever the hell it was that you felt for me?
- Hey, I've been doing it since the ninth grade.
I've gotten pretty damn good at it.
- All right, fine, you go ahead and you do that,
all right, Ross?
I don't need your stupid shit!
- Good. - Good!
And you know what?
Now I got closure!
(Rachel grunts)
(locks clicking)
(audience laughing)
- Try the bottom one.
(dramatic music)
- [Rachel] Ross kissed me.
At first it was really intense, you know?
And then just sort of sunk into it.
- All right, look, let's get logical about this, okay?
We'll make a list.
Rachel and Julie, pros and cons.
Okay. Let's do Julie.
What's wrong with her?
- She's not Rachel.
- What is this?
- Okay, just-
- Just a waitress?
- Rach, come up, open up.
Rach, come on, come on,
you gotta give me another chance.
- No.
- No?
- Imagine the worst things you think about yourself.
Now, how would you feel
if the one person that you trusted the most in the world
not only thinks them too,
but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you?
- But, but, see I want to be with you
in spite of all those things.
- Ross, listen to me.
I am not yours to save.
- But you are.
- What?
- You're my lobster.
(audience laughing)
What about us?
- Ross, there is no us, okay?
- No, but-
- I fell for you and I get clobbered.
You then fall for me and I, again, somehow get clobbered.
I'm tired of being clobbered, you know?
It's, it's just not worth it.
- Well, but-
- No but, Ross.
We are never gonna happen, okay?
Accept that.
I can't believe I don't get to go to my own prom.
This is so harsh!
- [Judy] Oh, are you handsome!
- [Jack] Let's show 'em.
- [Monica] Bye, don't wait up!
- [Judy] Oh dear!
Jack, how do I turn this off?
- [Jack] Press the button.
- [Jack] Which one? Which button, Jack!
- [Jack] The button, the button.
- I can't believe you did that.
- Yeah, well.
(dramatic music) (audience cheering)
- See? He's her lobster.
- Oh my God!
- Listen, I'm sorry I had to work tonight.
- Oh, it's okay.
You were worth the wait.
And I don't just mean tonight.
- You're gonna have to understand
that you're with a guy
who's not gonna stop planning his future with you
because he knows we're gonna end up together.
And if that scares you, tough!
'Cause you're gonna have to deal with that.
- Fine! I will!
- Good! 'Cause I love you!
- Oh yeah? - Yeah!
- Well, I love you too!
- Well, that's the first time we've said that!
- Yes, it is!
- Well, I'm gonna kiss you!
- Well, you better!
(audience laughing)
I told you I didn't have the time.
- Ya well, you never have the time.
I mean, I don't feel
like I even have a girlfriend anymore, Rachel.
- Ross, what do you want from me?
You want me to quit my job
so you can feel like you have a girlfriend?
- No, but it would be nice if you'd realize
that it's just a job.
- Just a job?
- Yes.
- Ross, do you realize this is the first time in my life
I'm doing something I actually care about?
This is the first time in my life
I'm doing something that I'm actually good at?
I mean, if you don't get that-
- No, hey, I get that, okay?
I get that big time and I'm happy for you,
but I'm tired of having a relationship
with your answering machine, okay?
I don't know what to do anymore.
- Well, neither do I!
- Is this about Mark?
- Oh my God! - Okay, it's not.
- Oh my God. (audience laughing)
I cannot keep having the same fight
over and over again, Ross.
No, you're making this too hard!
- Oh I'm making this too hard.
Okay, what do you want me to do?
- I don't know, I don't know.
Look, maybe we should just take a break.
- Okay, okay, fine.
You're right. Let's take a break.
Let's cool off, okay?
Let's get some frozen yogurt or something.
- No.
A break from us.
(sad dramatic music)
(door shuts)
Hi, it's me.
I've been trying to reach you all night.
I feel awful.
Please, Ross, you've got to know this whole breakup thing
is just stupid.
- [Woman] Morning!
(audience laughing)
- I love you. - I love you.
- [Rachel] And you know what?
I'm gonna, I'm gonna go to bed now
but on way to work tomorrow morning,
I'm gonna stop by around 8:30.
- Rachel!
(audience laughing)
- You got me missing-
- Oh, hey, you are right on time.
- So what do you say?
Can I be your girlfriend again?
- Yes, you can, very much.
- Yeah, you just have to make sure
she doesn't find out some other way.
Did you think about the trail?
(soft piano music)
- Rachel, come on, talk to me, please!
- [Rachel] I can't even look at you right now.
- I made a mistake, okay?
- A mistake?
What were you trying to put it in? Her purse?
Ross, you had sex with another woman.
- Oh my God.
- She meant nothing to me!
- Yet she was worth jeopardizing our relationship!
- Look, I didn't think
there was a relationship to jeopardize.
I thought we were broken up.
- We were on a break.
- That, for all I knew, could last forever.
That to me is a break up.
- You think you're gonna get out of this
on a technicality?
- Look, I'm not trying to get out of anything, okay?
I thought our relationship was dead.
- Well, you sure had a hell of a time at the wake!
(audience laughing)
- I can't imagine my life without you.
You know, without, without these arms.
Your face and your heart.
Your good heart, Rach, and...
- No.
I can't.
You're a totally different person to me now.
I used to think of you as somebody
that would never, ever hurt me ever.
I can't, it doesn't matter what you say
or what you do, Ross.
It's just changed everything.
Forever.
- But...
This can't be it.
- Then how come it is?
Do you think it's easy for me to see you with somebody else?
- Hey, you know what?
Hey, you're the one who ended it, remember?
- Yeah, because I was mad at you!
Not because I stopped loving you!
- You still love me?
- No.
(audience laughing)
You still love me.
- (stutters) Yeah, so, you love me!
- No, hmm.
What does this mean?
What are you, I mean, do you want to get back together?
- No. Maybe.
I don't know.
I still can't forgive you for what you did.
I can't, but sometimes when I'm with you,
I just, I feel, just- - What?
- I just, I feel...
I just- - What?
- [Rachel] I wrote you a letter.
- It's 5:30 in the morning.
So I better get cracking on this baby.
(audience laughing)
- So, I'll be waiting for you.
Just come up when you're done.
- I'll be up in 18 pages.
Front and back.
(audience laughing)
Very exciting.
- [Chandler] Ross, you have what you want.
You're back with Rachel.
If you bring this up now,
you're gonna wreck the best thing that ever happened to you.
- I miss you too.
- I just wish we hadn't lost those four months.
But if time was what you needed
just to gain a little perspective.
- [Ross] We were on a break!
- Coffee house? - You bet.
- And for the record,
it took two people to break up this relationship.
- Yeah, you and that girl from the coffee place,
which yesterday you took full responsibility for.
- I didn't know what I was taking responsibility for, okay?
I didn't finish the whole letter.
- What? - I fell asleep!
- You fell asleep?
- It was 5:30 in the morning
and you had rambled on for 18 pages.
Front and back!
(audience laughing)
- You know, I can't believe I even thought
of getting back together with you.
We are so over!
- (fake whimpers) Fine by me!
(audience laughing)
You want me to take some girl I've never met to the opera
so you can go to a club and flirt with some guy?
Hmm.
Yeah, that is a toughie.
- Ross, please, come on.
I thought we had moved on!
I thought we'd gotten to a place
where we could be happy for each other.
I mean, was that just me?
- All right, I'll do it. - Oh thank you!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Emily is incredible.
I mean, there are no words to describe her.
The whole weekend was like a dream.
You were so right.
- What?
- What you said about us finally being in a place
where we could really be happy for each other?
I mean, I, I admit,
I wasn't quite there, you know?
But now, but now, I'm totally there.
I'm finally where you are.
- Oh, thank goodness.
- And thank you for Emily.
- Oh, no problem.
I'm so glad I could help.
You know, I'm happy for you.
- Happy for you. - Oh no, happy for you!
(audience laughing)
- I was just telling the guys.
- Yeah, I heard.
I think it's great!
Oh, I'm so happy for you!
- [Phoebe] What do you mean you're going to London?
- Yeah, I have to tell Ross that I love him.
- Rachel, you can't go, Ross loves Emily.
- I know, I know, I know he does,
but I have to tell him how I feel.
He deserves to have all of the information
and then he can make an informed decision.
- Rachel, if you go,
then you're just gonna mess with his head
and ruin his wedding.
You know, it's too late.
You missed your chance.
- You know what?
No, it's not over until someone says I do.
- I Ross.
- Take thee Emily.
- Take thee Rachel.
(audience gasping)
Emily!
(audience laughing)
- What happened?
- My marriage is over.
- What? - Sweetie!
- Well hello! - I love Vegas!
- I'm Ross! - Good luck to ya.
- Excuse me, sir, you got a little something.
(both laughing)
- Hello, Mrs. Ross! - Well, hello, Mr. Rachel!
- Why are we in bed together?
- I don't know.
- Well, I don't remember much about last night.
It was such a blur.
- What do you mean- - Hello,
we didn't get married! - No, we didn't!
What do you mean married, that's ridiculous.
(both gasping)
(audience laughing)
- Hey, hubby!
Everything go all right with the annulment?
- Oh yeah, no problems.
It's all taken care of.
- Ross, thank you.
- You want to hear something weird?
- Always.
- I didn't get the annulment.
- What? - We're still married.
Don't tell Rachel, see ya later.
- I cannot believe that you didn't tell me
we are still married!
- Look, I was going to tell you.
- When?
After the birth of our first secret child?
- I know I divorce a lot of women,
never thought I'd be divorcing you.
- I know.
I always thought if you and I got married,
that would be the one that stuck.
- Happy Monica's night.
- Well, thank you, you too.
- Thanks.
- Do you think we're ever gonna have that?
- You mean, we, you and me?
- Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We, you with someone and me with someone.
- Oh good, you scared me a minute.
- I know, shake it off!
(audience laughing)
You were always really good at the stuff.
- I was good at the stuff, huh?
- Hmm-mm. Yeah.
I really liked your hands.
- My hands? - Yeah.
(audience laughing)
- I'm sorry, apparently I've opened the door to the past.
- I'm pregnant.
Ross?
And you're the father, by the way, but you got it.
- I want you to know
that I'm gonna be there through this whole thing.
- Seriously, breathe louder, Ross, that's great.
- You know, we should probably ask the doctor
if she even knows how to deliver a baby
that's half human, half pure evil!
(audience laughing)
- I mean, you'd think the damn jalapeno
would have cleared up your sinuses,
but no, that's not enough-
What are you doing?
- I'm getting that baby out of you!
(audience cheering)
- Oh God. - I know.
- Oh no, no.
I think my water just broke.
- I am good!
(audience laughing)
One, two, three!
Keep pushing!
(baby crying) Oh my God, she's here.
- Oh hey, you. (tender music)
- Last night after the party,
I saw Rachel kissing that jerk
from her office out on your balcony.
- So, are you gonna talk to her?
- Why? Why should I?
I mean, if she wants to move on, that's fine.
- Okay, Ross, what's going on here?
Are we just bringing strange women
back to the apartment now?
- I don't know.
Are we just kissing guys on balconies?
- Who are you to decide what messages
I should or should not get?
- Who am I? - Yes!
- I'm the guy who's taking care of our baby
while you're out at bars meeting guys.
- Oh my God, I cannot believe you.
You know, I actually came in here
hoping to have a mature conversation with you about us.
- You are the one who moved on and didn't tell anyone.
- Oh God, Ross, this is just so messed up!
- Clearly.
- We said that we would live together
as long as this makes sense.
And maybe this just doesn't make sense anymore.
- Maybe not.
(audience gasping)
(audience laughing)
I would like to make a toast to Rachel and Joey.
(sighs)
And to love.
- Dude, are you okay?
- Totally.
- Well how come Monica and Chandler could do it?
- I guess they weren't as good friends as we are.
- How did the job stuff go?
- He offered me one.
- You know what?
This calls for a bottle of Israel's finest.
- The job is in Paris.
- Are you okay with this?
- Rachel moving to another country?
Not being able to see her every day?
How could I be okay with this?
I don't get a goodbye?
Everyone gets a goodbye but me?
What do I gotta do to get a goodbye?
Huh? Be best friends with you?
Go out with you?
Have a baby with you?
Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.
I did all those things!
(audience laughing)
You know what?
After all we've been through,
I can't believe
this is how you want to leave things between us.
Have a good time in Paris.
- You really think I didn't say goodbye to you
because I don't care?
- That's what it seemed like.
- I cannot believe that after 10 years,
you do not know one thing about me.
- Fine, then why didn't you say something?
- Because it is too damn hard, Ross!
I can't even begin to explain to you
how much I am gonna miss you.
When I think about not seeing you every day,
it makes me not want to go.
Okay?
So if you think that, that I didn't say goodbye to you
because you don't mean as much to me as everybody else,
you're wrong.
It's because you mean more to me.
So there, all right, there's your goodbye!
- Rach! - What?
- You can't, you can't-
- What?
(soft music)
Last night was just wonderful.
- [Ross] It really was.
- [Rachel] I woke up today
with the biggest smile on my face.
- I know, me too.
It was, you know, it was like one of those things
you think is never gonna happen and then it does.
And it's everything you want it to be.
- It's just the perfect way to say goodbye.
- [Phoebe] So you just let her go?
- [Ross] Yeah.
- Now you can move on.
I mean, you've been trying to for so long,
maybe now that you're on different continents,
I mean, now you can actually do it.
- Yeah, that's true.
Except
I don't want to get over her.
- What?
- I don't. I want to be with her.
- Really?
- Yeah, I'm gonna go after her.
- Yeah, you are!
- Where is she? - I don't see her.
- Rachel!
- Rachel!!
- What?
What are you guys doing here?
- Don't go.
- What? - Please, please stay with me.
I am so in love with you.
Please don't go.
I love you.
I know you love me.
I know you do.
- [Man] Miss.
- I have to get on the plane.
- No, you don't. - Yes, I do.
- No, you don't. - I do,
they're waiting for me, Ross.
I can't do this right now, I'm sorry.
(machine beeps)
Ross, hi, it's me.
I just got back on the plane and I just feel awful.
That is so not how I wanted things to end with us.
It's just that I wasn't expecting to see you
and then all of a sudden you're there
and saying these things,
and now I'm just sitting here
and thinking of all the stuff I should have said
and I didn't.
I mean, I didn't even get to tell you that I love you too.
Because of course I do.
I love you.
What am I doing?
I love you.
I've got to see you.
I've got to get off this plane.
- Oh my God.
- Excuse me. - Miss, please sit down.
- [Rachel] I'm sorry, I'm really sorry,
but I need to get off the plane.
Come on, Miss,
isn't there any way that you can just let me off the-
(machine beeps)
- No, no!
Oh my God!
Did she get off the plane?
(message rewinding)
- [Rachel] I got off the plane.
(audience cheering)
- You got off the plane!
(heartwarming music)
(audience cheering)
- I do love you.
- I love you too
and I'm never letting you go again.
- Okay 'cause this is where I want to be.
Okay, no more messing around,
I don't want to mess this up again.
- Me neither, okay?
We're done being stupid.
- Okay, it's you and me, all right?
This is it. - This is it.
Unless we're on a break.
(audience laughing)
Don't make jokes now.
(audience cheering)