[doorbell rings]
- [German accent]
MY NAME IS COLONEL HANS MULLER OF THE S.S.
AS YOU KNOW, WE WERE COMBING THE AREA FOR JEWS.
BUT IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION THAT TWO NEGROES HAVE ESCAPED,
AND ARE HIDING OUT IN THIS AREA AS WELL.
YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT THIS, NOW, WOULD YOU?
- UH, NO. NO NEGROES HERE. MM-MM.
- UH, NEGROES? EW. [chuckles]
HELL NO.
- AND, UM, WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES?
- LEROY...
HEIMER.
LEROYHEIMER IS MY LAST NAME,
AND MY FIRST NAME IS VERY GERMAN,
AND THAT IS BECAUSE IT IS HEINRICH.
SO, MY NAME IS HEINRICH LEROYHEIMER.
- AND I AM BARON HELMUT...
SCHNITZELNAZI.
- WELL.
ARE YOU GOING TO INVITE ME IN?
- OF COURSE! - YEAH, COME ON IN!
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.
- PLEASE, GENTLEMEN, SIT DOWN.
NOW...
AS YOU KNOW, THE NEGRO, NOT UNLIKE THE JEW,
CAN BE A VERY TRICKY CREATURE.
OH, THAT'S FUN.
WE HAVE DEVELOPED MANY TESTS TO DETERMINE
IF AN INDIVIDUAL IS, IN FACT,
AN ACTUAL NEGRO.
IT'S VERY SCIENTIFIC.
LIKE WHEN WE THROW THE BEANS UP AGAINST THE HOMOSEXUALS
TO SEE IF THE BEANS EXPLODE.
- YEAH, UH...
WHAT KIND OF TESTS?
- IT'S INTERESTING THAT YOU WOULD ASK ME THAT.
WOULD YOU MIND IF I...
REMOVED YOUR HAT?
SO THAT I CAN MEASURE YOUR HEAD.
THE NEGRO HEAD, INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH,
ONLY COMES IN THE HALF SIZES.
IT'S ONE OF THE MANY INTERESTING THINGS ABOUT THE NEGRO HEAD.
HMM.
EVERYTHING SEEMS IN ORDER.
both: [exhale]
- WELL, NO NEGRO HEADS HERE.
- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, THOUGH.
IF A NEGRO HEAD CAME IN HERE,
IT WOULD FIND ITSELF DETACHED FROM ITS NEGRO BODY.
I'LL TELL YOU THAT, RIGHT HERE.
[chuckles] AM I RIGHT?
- THIS IS VERY, VERY GOOD.
BUT THERE ARE SO MANY EXCEPTIONS TO THE RULE,
WHICH IS WHY IT'S SO IMPORTANT
THAT WE HAVE A TEST WHICH IS FOOL-PROOF.
- UH, M-M-M-MORE TESTS?
- YOU KNOW, HUNTING THE NEGROES ALL DAY,
YOU REALLY BUILD UP AN APPETITE, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
CAN I INTEREST YOU TWO
IN SOME DELICIOUS BEETS?
INTERESTING.
THE NEGRO CANNOT RESIST THE BEET.
IT IS DRAWN TO IT LIKE FLIES TO
WELL, GENTLEMEN.
IT APPEARS I HAVE WASTED YOUR TIME.
I'LL BE ON MY WAY.
- [exhales]
- JUST ONE MORE THING.
I'M CURIOUS AS TO HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT...
THIS CAT TOY!
JIGGLEDY, JIGGLEDY!
NOTHING?
WELL, THAT'S EMBARRASSING.
I'M SORRY FOR BOTHERING YOU.
YOU TWO ARE OBVIOUSLY NOT NEGROES.
both: [laugh]
- OF COURSE WE'RE NOT NEGROES.
- THIS IS A NO-NEGRO ZONE.
- THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.
- AIN'T NO THANG.
- HERR LEROYHEIMER.
OH, THAT'S NEW.
BARON SCHNITZELNAZI.
- WHAT'S GOIN' ON? OH,
- I'LL WAIT FOR YOU HERE. THERE WE GO. ALL RIGHT.
BY THE WAY... [clears throat]
ARE YOU, BY CHANCE,
RELATED TO THE DUSSELDORF SCHNITZELNAZIS?
- YES, I AM.
- HOW'S YOUR AUNT FRIDA?
- AUNT FRIDA? SHE...
IS STILL...
FAT?
- I DON'T RECALL HER BEING FAT.
BUT WHO LOOKS LIKE THEY DID IN COLLEGE ANYWAY, AM I RIGHT?
- NOT ME. NOT ME. NOT ME. - NOT THIS ONE, EITHER.
- 'CAUSE I WAS A-- YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?
- WELL,
- OH, GUTENBERG!
[engine starts]
[car drives away]
- WHEW. MAN, THAT WAS CLOSE.
WHOO. WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE, MAN.
WE--
- HE LEFT THE CAT TOY, MAN! - UH-UH.
- HE LEFT IT! - UH-UH.
- [laughs] OH!
OH! [giggles]