Every single day, we do something that are fantastic for our confidence
and we do others that aren't so good — they drag it down and destroy it.
The problem is we can't always tell which of those is which.
And that's why in this video, I want to show you five very common behaviors —
some of which I bet you are doing — that are secretly destroying your confidence
because if you can remove these from your life, it's dramatic
how your self-esteem and your confidence will skyrocket.
So the first one that I've had a very, very first hand experience with
was staying in a situation that you really dislike.
Now, it's obvious that you're not going to want to stay in a situation you dislike
by definition but it actually destroys your self-esteem when you do that.
And I realized this back in the day when I had my first job as a consultant.
I didn't love it, it wasn't horrible but when I got up in the morning, I felt like I was faking it;
I felt like I was putting on the suit pretending to care about something that I didn't really care about.
Simultaneously, I found myself feeling less confident myself; I was starting to doubt myself.
Social situations which used to come easier
were all of a sudden a little bit more murky and rocky; I didn't know how to behave.
And I didn't put these two together until I read the book, Six Pillars of Self-Esteem
by Nathaniel Branden — absolutely fantastic but there was an exercise in that book
that made me realize that when you do an action, that implicitly says,
"I don't believe in myself," your self-esteem goes down.
So every single day when I got up in the morning, I put on that suit, and I knew
I didn't like it but I had no exit plan, I was telling myself, "I don't believe in you.
I don't think you're capable of getting a better job, I don't think you deserve one,
and I don't think that you should have a higher degree of fulfillment in your life; this is right where you belong."
And that is why my self-esteem and my confidence plummeted.
Now, weirdly enough, when I finally left that job and my money started plummeting
and I was living on my friend's floor and I didn't know how I was gonna earn living,
my confidence was through the roof socially and other areas
and that was where I had the guts to start Charisma on Command.
It was because I had taken a vote of confidence in myself; I left.
I said, "You know what? I don't know how but I believe in you to figure this out."
So I'm not saying you got to quit your job but I am saying if you're in a relationship,
whether it's romantic or with a friend, if you have a job that you really dislike,
you need an exit plan not just for your life but for your self-esteem
because if you can't bet on yourself, your body knows it and that's when your confidence tanks.
So the second thing that a lot of people don't realize that's destroying their confidence
is their intense focus on practice.
Now, people could go, "Wait a second, I need to practice. Of course, I do;
I have to be competent in order to be confident."
Now, that is absolutely true but let me give you an example of where this goes too far.
In an interview setting, I know people who will study their questions, "Tell me where you're from?"
and technical questions up until the moment that they enter that room.
And unfortunately, what happens is despite the fact that they've been practicing long,
they go in there flat, they forget what they were going to say,
and if they do remember it, it's terribly rote.
The problem is they should have taken those five to 15 minutes prior to that big moment
and instead of practicing, they should have built an internal state of positive feelings and confidence.
This is true of musical performances, any time you're on a stage, if there's a date coming up...
whatever it is, stop worrying about what you're saying or going to say five to 15 minutes before,
stop worrying about the performance and start feeling good.
Watch a YouTube video that pumps you up — it could be one of ours —
watch something funny, hang out with your friends, laugh, move,
do things that make you feel energized.
And I, again, realize this for the first time way back in the day when I would have dates
and I was so nervous before these phone calls I would think, "What am I gonna say?"
I try to plan out every line and one day I was just having fun with my friends,
I called in that moment of having a good time and it went fantastically.
And that became my go-to — rather than worrying about what I was going to say,
right before the phone call, I would have fun and that made them go so much better
moving forward which takes us to the third thing that people don't realize
is ruining their confidence — it's believing this myth that there's one person
or you need an individual to approve of you in order to be happy.
Now, we don't realize this but we unfortunately do this quite often.
When there's an interview or a job that we feel like we need this job
or there's a particular person that we'd like to be dating and we just have to get them to
like us, we get very focused in this narrow view of what could make us happy and fulfilled.
We start to give away our confidence; we feel needy and we need them to like us.
If we broaden our perspective, if prior to a job interview, you can step back
and remind yourself, "I really like this job but there's a lot of amazing jobs out there."
There's tons; there's ones I'm not even familiar with.
Same thing — I might like this guy or this girl but there's so many other fantastic people.
Weirdly enough, when you do that, you're going to have a much more
confident interaction with that person whether it's an interview or anyone else
because you're telling yourself, "I don't need you.
I would like this but I don't need it," and that inspires confidence in you.
The fourth thing people don't realize — this is the one I am most guilty of today —
is disqualifying yourself verbally prior to doing anything.
And if you see me on this channel, I did this and I do this before I talk about music.
Sometimes, I'll mention that on my Instagram @CharlieHoupert, I play music and I play
the guitar but I will say, "You know, I'm not a great singer so don't expect too much"
or "I haven't spent as much time on this one song but just take a look."
That's disqualifying; that's trying to lower the bar.
People do this prior to speeches; they get up there and they say, "I haven't really done this before this is my first time."
Sometimes, they do it in interactions. When they tell someone,
"I'm not really good with names so I might forget yours."
We think that in setting the bar low, we won't disappoint people.
But actually, what we do is we say, 'This is the level that I'm gonna play at," — really low; we destroy our confidence.
So if you're doing that like me, the solution is say nothing.
Don't preempt it, don't tell me it's gonna be good or it's gonna be bad... just go.
And in my case, that means saying if you would like to hear me sing or play guitar,
you can go to my Instagram @CharlieHoupert and you can let me know what you think
rather than having me tell you what it's going to sound like to you.
The fifth thing that people do all the time is — and this just happens to me today —
is they say, "I don't care," as if it was a kindness to someone. Now, let me be clear.
Not having to get your way all the time and have a demanding preference is a virtue.
But you've been in those situations where people are trying to figure out
where to go to eat and everyone doesn't care, "What should we do tonight?"
nobody cares, "What movie?" nobody cares... People are craving leadership —
that's the first thing so rather than saying, "I don't care," just search inside yourself
and find, "Is there a minor preference that I could voice here?"
because, one, people will appreciate the fact that they at least have a direction
and you're not going to search on Yelp for hours and hours and hours for a restaurant.
The second thing though is that people who lack confidence often are disconnected from their true desires.
It's not that they don't care, it's that they learned a long time ago to separate themselves from what they really wanted.
So getting in the practice of detecting minor preferences of which food you'd like
or what movie you'd like to watch and how you'd like to spend your evening
is telling yourself, "I believe in you. I think that your voice has value. I think your preferences are worth hearing."
It doesn't mean you're always gonna get your way or it doesn't mean you don't even
need to argue about it but simply voicing in a scenario, "I'd like to go here,"
other people can say where they'd like to go you, guys can talk about it,
and wind up in a different direction, that's going to build confidence inside of you.
It's gonna make you more decisive, a better leader,
and of course, it's gonna make you more confident.
So I hope that you guys have found those five tips helpful.
A huge and fantastic resource for these, like I said, is Six Pillars of Self-Esteem
by Nathaniel Branden and you can check that out today actually for free
courtesy of our sponsor, Audible.
So if you go to the link in the description audible.com/charisma
or if you text "Charisma" to 500=500, you can get a free 30-day trial of audible
with one free credit and you can put that towards I recommend, Six Pillars of Self-Esteem.
So the way that it works after that is it's about $15 a month
and you get access to a huge library of audiobooks.
It's continuing to grow, it's got just about everything you could ever want in there,
and if you're the type of person that is on a commute often, who is driving,
who doesn't have time to read... this is an absolutely fantastic resource
and a great first start for confidence, like I said, is Six Pillars of Self-Esteem.
And in the month of July, there's another deal for those of you who have Amazon Prime
that is you can get three months of audible for the price of one.
It's gonna cost $495 for each of the first three months and $15 after that
but same deal through the link in the description below which is
www.audible.com/charisma or you can text "charisma" to 500-500 and highly recommend Six Pillar of Self-Esteem.
I hope you guys liked this video, I look forward to seeing you in the next one which I think
is going to be a long overdue charisma breakdown from someone that has been around
for a very, very long time and it's absolutely earned it
so if you want to see who that is, make sure to click subscribe, hit the notification bell
and I look forward to seeing you in the next video.