I want you to think of a time when maybe
you were interacting with somebody who
you felt was difficult as you're sitting
there and you're talking to them maybe
getting into an argument
maybe the tensions are starting to rise
if you can feel your palms starting to
sweat you can feel your breath starting
to get shorter you can feel yourself
getting angry and at some point in time
in that conversation you decide I've had
enough of this it's time for me to walk
away you walk out you get about five
steps this way and it hits you and
you're like oh I should have said this I
would have totally got them that is a
product of our brains when we meet
somebody maybe for the first time and we
shake their hands we say hello how are
you my name is Jay nice to meet you and
something in the back of your mind is
already hitting you and going I'm not
gonna like this person well if you've
experienced that trust me you're not
alone our brain is designed for survival
what Daniel Goleman calls the low road
is something where we look at others
call it the limbic system our fear
regulation our fight-or-flight response
when we deal with difficult people
ultimately what we're doing is trying to
get past that response it's a natural
response that we have in fact it's an
important response it is the response
that stress comes into the body so we
see things like adrenaline
norepinephrine cortisol flood the system
when we're engaged with those difficult
people we're in a heightened state of
anxiety during that and our other
systems start to shut down we don't
think rationally our metabolism slows we
can even get acne from having too much
stress hormones put into the body is
that a way that we want to live our
lives conflict in the workplace between
difficult people are not difficult
people has serious impacts and
ultimately what it does is it causes
turnover absenteeism it can even cause
projects to fail
so what can we do about that
we can't change other people's behavior
I can't make somebody behave in a way
that I want them to so I guess maybe we
need to look at a different framework of
operating from internal when we look at
people one of the ways that we can start
changing this conversation with
ourselves is to look at how we label
them so we label somebody difficult or a
pain in the you-know-what we also have
these archetypes that we tend to create
so for example one of the people you
might encounter them in the office place
you walk in to have a conversation with
them and they won't lift their head up
they're just sitting there they're
texting they're playing under computer
and they're not paying any attention to
you that's the archetype of the not
listener we have other art types such as
the one-upper if you've ever been I had
a party and you tell a story and then
what happens somebody has to tell a
better story or you go and get a new
dress and somebody has to get a better
dress or something of that nature
anything that's always the one-up
archetype how about the gossip er the
person that walks around and it gossip
all about different people in the office
place it almost just to stir up trouble
what about the curmudgeon the person
that's been there and done that and
remembers the glory days of everything
that's right or wrong with your
organization now part of my framework is
behavior and I can guarantee you that at
some point in time when I was talking
about those archetypes you put a name
and a face with each one of those
individuals yeah I see the knots when we
look at that and we understand that
those are the different behaviors that
really impact us individually we know
that we need to change the simple
message is this why should we have to
change ourselves because of somebody
else's behavior because it's your heart
attack those stress homework hormones
are killers it's your heart attack so if
we can't change other people's behaviors
the only thing that we can change is our
own behaviors
let's look at a unique approach through
behavioral intelligence behavioral
intelligence really has four quadrants
to be able to explain existing behaviors
predict future behaviors influence other
people's behaviors and control our own
behaviors and we'll talk about that in
the context of difficult people so one
of the things that we want to look at is
how do we explain behaviors when we see
somebody do something that we really
just don't like and we label them maybe
they're stubborn well at the same time
couldn't we see our friend doing that
and say well they're just headstrong we
see somebody do something that we feel
like it's aggressive but on the other
side of things we look at our friend
that does the exact same behavior and we
say wow they're dedicated motivated
passionate even so some of these labels
start to infiltrate the way that we
understand the world
it's a bias that we have so we want to
look a little bit deeper and ask the
question of why why did somebody behave
that way
is it something inherent is it an
intrinsic desire that is pushing them to
behave that way now this is a tough
question because we're in a heat at the
moment one of the things that we get
really frustrated with is ourselves in
that moment we don't take the time to
actually ask we just label and continue
but again it's your heart attack
it's your organization that's suffering
so we have to look at this in a
different way
asking questions is one of the best ways
to explain behavior and I'm gonna give
you an example of a case study one of my
favorite case studies of when I was
working with two different divisions in
a management organization one division
had manager and I'm gonna rename them
Bill and Ted to protect the guilty we
had bill on one side and we had Ted on
the other and these two could not get
along in any way shape or form they were
constantly at odds with each other
causing projects to fail and ultimately
I was brought in to take a look at this
and say what behaviors are existing
that's creating this situation so I had
Bill and Ted both write out everything
that they felt about the other person I
asked them to put ever
onto paper and then I had them submit
that to me so I take a look at this I
review it and as I'm reading through it
and the value of being an objective
outside observer is something incredibly
valuable to take yourself out of a
situation is something that you can do
also as I start reading I read bills all
about Ted and Bill says Ted is
constantly coming to my office asking
questions he's bothering me he will
never leave me alone he's such a
constant contact okay
so then I read Ted's and Ted says bill
just can't be bothered with me my
manager keeps telling me to go to Bill
and ask him these questions to find out
more because all of his experience his
knowledge his value to the organization
but he just won't listen he's such a not
listener so I bring these two people in
and I put them at the table and I share
with them each other's perspective and I
swear it was just like lady in a
when all of a sudden they looked at each
other like oh my goodness I had no idea
that you valued my opinion so much and
on the other side it was oh my goodness
I can't believe that that's the way that
I'm coming off in this environment and
all of a sudden we start to look and
they were able to answer each other's
narrative that narrative that was hidden
to them because they didn't ask
questions they didn't go to why they
just labeled they labeled them difficult
once we can explain behaviors then we
can predict behaviors we can predict
what's going to happen that'll help to
reduce uncertainty uncertainty is one of
the things if you've ever gotten a phone
call from a superior saying hey can you
come down to my office immediately what
happens you don't think oh I'm going to
get a raise this is gonna be great
you start thinking yourself what did I
do oh my gosh this could be the worst
that uncertainty creates some of that
anxiety and when we bring that anxiety
into a conversation or into the
relationship that's gonna be felt by the
other person
so by being able to predict those types
of behaviors it'll actually reduce the
anxiety if you've ever been in a
situation
where you've said hey listen my friend
is probably going to say X Y or Z don't
be offended by it that's just how they
are that's a fundamental effect of
prediction we can forgive or we can be
prepared so that we were not hit with an
onslaught of anxiety influencing
behaviors we look at this and say how do
we necessarily influence that person
that is a difficult person one is by
using inclusive language when we talk
about somebody if I say your behavior is
doing X Y & Z immediately the walls
going to go up they're going to get
defensive they're gonna look for the
ways in which your behavior contributes
to it and fire back and all of a sudden
we're now in an argument and we're in a
place where we can't necessarily get out
of that difficulty versus when we start
to talk and use inclusive language like
I noticed that we're having some trouble
communicating here that key word we're
we are having trouble communicating
because communication is a two-way
street
we should probably take a look at this a
little bit more effectively and now all
of a sudden is togetherness we're
engaging the other person we're bringing
them together one of the other ways in
which we can actually influence other
people's behavior is reward and
recognition just like a child that goes
potty when they're supposed to and where
they're supposed to we give them an M&M
we never really get beyond that behavior
as adults but when we're at odds or when
we're working with somebody difficult it
is very hard for us to think that giving
them recognition or a reward would be a
value to us but if they do something
nice we can reach out to them and say
hey I thought your report today was
fantastic and all of a sudden we start
to move ourselves out of that enemy zone
and into being a friend and let me tell
you it's much more valuable in work or
anywhere else to be a friend because if
people like you they will do business
with you and if they don't like you they
will do whatever they can to usurp your
to be successful so utilizing something
like a recognition or reward scenario is
something that can actually help build
that influence and that report they're
gonna start looking to you as maybe not
necessarily the difficult person I used
to be a difficult person when I talk
about difficulty I'm sure that there is
plenty of people that still find me to
be difficult but the reality is is until
we recognize that each of us are a
difficult person for someone else we're
never going to be able to adjust our
behavior and that's where we get into
control some of the self-awareness
aspects so some of the things that we
can do to control that low-road system
that limbic system that fear that
flight-or-fight response that we have
when we're interacting with somebody who
we find to be difficult is as simple as
we learned in kindergarten first take a
deep breath when we take a deep breath
and out we flood our body with oxygen
now that system that's fight-or-flight
it doesn't know the difference between
you interacting with a difficult person
in a lion chasing you and if a Lions
chasing you are you gonna go no
absolutely not you're gonna run you're
gonna scream so when we take that deep
breath we're literally telling our
system that low-road system everything's
okay look at how we're breathing look at
how we're managing ourselves another way
is to count to ten and that doesn't mean
standing there going one two three four
five six seven eight nine ten I'm still
angry that's probably not going to be
effective in working with that difficult
person but counting to ten is as simple
to say you know what I noticed that both
of us are getting a little passionate
about this why don't we take a small
recess why don't we take a step back and
reset and in come at this with clear
heads and notice again I'm using that
inclusive language the we us together
because together we can solve the
problem
so when we look at that another way that
I love to look at difficult people is to
separate out the person from the
behavior in so many cases we label them
tough to deal with difficult bad but if
we look at it and say I dislike this
behavior that this person this human
exhibits it separates those two things
for us the label is no longer on them
it's on the behavior and then we can
carve that out and say is this the hill
we want to die on is that behavior worth
my heart attack and I would like to
think that the answer to that is no so
with all of the impacts that we see this
model of behavioral intelligence gives
us the opportunity to explain the
existing behaviors to ask those
questions of why to predict future
behaviors to reduce the uncertainty
surrounding those to influence other
people's behavior why because our
relationships matter and if we're not
engaging in those relationships well
guess what they're going to continuously
go down and we see the impact of
conflict in the workplace and on
ourselves and then we can control our
own behavior by being a little bit more
thoughtful and aware of how we are and
again why should we have to do this why
should we be the people that has to
change our behavior to deal with
difficult people ultimately because it's
your heart attack and someone else's bad
behavior should not be the cause of your
heart attack thank you very much
[Applause]