Translator: Tanya Cushman Reviewer: Peter van de Ven
Depression.
Everyone, from time to time, feels down.
Psychologists, like myself,
sometimes refer to depression as the common cold of mental illness
because it's so common.
You know and I know that a common cold can make you quite miserable.
Common colds also can develop into sinus infections, pneumonia,
so pay attention when you feel the signs of depression:
discouraged, low energy,
self-critical,
irritable with the other people.
It's important to note, "Oh," -
just as you would if you had a fever -
"something's wrong here.
I'm just not my usual me."
Once you've noticed that, what are your options?
Well, unfortunately,
all too often people assume,
"Oh, depression is a chemical disorder."
Where do you go if you have a biological disorder?
You go to your physician.
What do physicians know how to do?
They know how to write prescriptions for pills.
Now, why do I bemoan the fact
that one out of ten Americans is taking an antidepressant?
Even worse, for women in the middle years, the 40s and 50s,
one out of almost four Americans are taking antidepressant medication.
These medications are not sugar pills.
They can have detrimental impacts on your body.
They also can make you drug dependent.
Opioids make you addicted.
The drug companies say antidepressants don't make you addicted,
and that's because of the definition of addiction,
which is "includes a craving."
Nobody wakes up and says,
"Ooh, I can't wait to take my antidepressant medication."
(Laughter)
They don't give you a high; they essentially numb you.
Now, antidepressant medications do help some people.
The difficulty is, number one, there's many people that they don't help.
They only help about, maybe at best, 60% of the people who take them.
Second, there can be serious side effects.
Google "antidepressant side effects"
if you want to scare yourself a little before taking them.
(Laughter)
The good news?
There's lots of psychotherapy, talk therapy, methods,
for getting rid of a down mood.
There's lots of prescriptions, or techniques, without pills
for feeling better.
So today, the particular prescriptions that I'd like to share with you
come from my own theory
of what makes people feel good and what makes people feel bad.
When I write books about it, I call it "conflict resolution theory."
To remember it in a more easy way, let's call it "bump therapy."
Here's why.
You're walking down the road of life -
maybe you're rushing along the road of life -
and you hit a bump.
So at that bump,
which is some disturbing situation,
you scratch your head and figure out what to do about it.
If you're lucky,
you get what you want and move on,
toodling on down the rest of your road of life.
But all too often,
when we hit a disturbing circumstance,
we fold.
We give up on what we want.
Sometimes that's a good idea
because there just don't seem to be any other options
or if the other other option is to get into a fight -
mmm, may not be worth it.
Giving up in response to something you want
triggers depression.
Okay, this model, this bump model,
tells us what we need to do to feel better.
Here's the bump.
We've gone into depression.
Back up.
Identify that bump and solve the problem in a new way.
Sounds easy, but not quite so easy.
Here's why.
When you're depressed, often you don't know what the bump was.
There's something about that dark cloud that surrounds you when you're depressed
that seems to block you from knowing what you gave up,
what was the hurdle you couldn't overcome.
So prescription number one
will be a technique for pinpointing that problem.
Here's another problem with depression:
when you're depressed, you feel powerless.
When we feel small and powerless,
it's pretty hard to think of ideas of what we could do to solve the problem.
Prescription number two - pump up.
I'll show you how in a moment.
Prescription number three -
now that you know what the problem is, the bump,
and you're feeling strong enough,
now problem solve.
Here's an example.
Let's welcome in Julie.
Julie is a recent actual client in my practice -
named changed, obviously, for confidentiality.
"Julie, what brings you in here today?"
Julie said, "Well, for the last four or five months,
I've been feeling so down.
I have no energy, I feel so discouraged, I am beating myself up all the time,
and unfortunately, I'm irritable with my husband,
I'm irritable with my kids."
"Hmm, sounds like depression.
Let's get to work.
Julie,"
Julie's sitting down,
"close your eyes."
I don't recommend this technique when you're driving, by the way.
(Laughter)
"Julie, close your eyes.
Allow an image to come up on your video screen in your mind,
your visual screen,
allow an image to come up of someone or something that you might be -
someone or something that you might be mad at, irritated,
a little piqued or seriously angry."
Not yourself, because when you're depressed,
almost all these people feel mad at themselves for this and that.
"Notice what comes up on your visual screen."
Julie thought for a bit, and she realized,
"Hmm, I thought I'd see my husband because I've been barking at him so much,
but actually what came up was the conference room at work."
"Hmm, what's disturbing to you there?"
"Well, I work at a large construction company.
I actually like the company a lot,
but when we have conferences with myself and the other five project managers,
I get upset every time.
I say something;
the other five, who are all men, ignore me.
Or instead of ignoring me,
they speak to me like I'm some kind of dummy, but ...
and deprecate what I say.
They point out what's wrong.
I just hate it."
"Hmm, what do you want in that circumstance?"
"I want to be heard; I want to be taken seriously."
Ahh, odds are pretty good
we've figured out what the bump was for Julie.
Still, there's one more question that's important to ask
to verify if this is the specific bump causing depression.
"Julie, as you look again at that conference room,
who looks bigger?
You or the other five project managers?"
Julie said, "Well, that's clear.
I look like a little girl,
and they look like big, hunky football player."
Now, "In fact," Julie said, "they're just kind of ordinary guys.
They're not in reality all that big,
but when I'm thinking about them right now,
I picture them really big."
Now we know for sure
that we've identified a depressogenic, depression-causing moment.
Depression is a disorder of power,
so if you feel small
and the other people or thing or event or whatever looks big,
that's been the bump that's knocked you down.
We've done prescription number one.
We've pinpointed the problem.
Prescription number two -
"Julie, take a deep breath.
(Inhales)
(Exhales)
With each successive breath,
feel yourself growing bigger, stronger, taller, more powerful.
How big are you now, Julie?"
Julie said, "I'm almost as big as the guys."
"Good," I said.
"You're going in the right direction.
Take some more deep breaths.
Grow bigger, taller, taller, stronger."
Julie smiled.
"My head is just about to bump the ceiling."
Ahh, we've accomplished prescription number two: pump up.
Prescription number three - problem solve.
Now, when you're trying to solve any problem,
usually you'll start
by gathering information about the relevant variables.
Then, you can think of creative solutions for what to do about them.
So I asked Julie,
"From that taller position, looking down on the other guys,
what can you see that you couldn't see when you were feeling so small?"
Julie thought for a moment.
"Oh my goodness," Julie said,
"I think the guys are intimidated by me.
You know,
recently I completed a master's degree in construction management,
so when I go to those meetings,
I try to contribute by offering ideas from what I've learned.
Maybe I'm even showing off a little bit.
But when I mention new ideas,
new ways to tackle problems that have come up,
they probably feel a little insecure, a little bit threatened."
"What else do you notice?"
"I notice -
I'm kind of listening to what I say -
my voice sounds like a little girl,
the way I've been feeling.
Even worse, I end each sentence with a question mark,
like I'm looking for their approval."
"Ahh, with that additional data, Julie,
what ideas come to mind of what you could do?
What could you do
so that those conferences would be more satisfying,
so you could get what you want, which is to be heard?"
Julie thought and said,
"Well, my first impulse is to just leave the company
and go to a place that respects me more,
go to a company where they are new-idea oriented."
"Hmm, what do you see when you visualize that solution?"
"Well, I see that with these skills, I could get a job somewhere else.
But I actually like that company.
It's also very close to my house.
I have kids at home. I don't want to be spending an hour a day in the car.
So that doesn't feel like a satisfying solution."
"Okay, one of the beauties of visualization prescriptions
is you can try out solutions.
So, Julie, let's try a different solution.
What else comes to mind?"
Julie said, "Hmm,
if I did this pumping-up routine before I went into the meeting,
I could just aim to speak louder,
speak more authoritatively,
speak with confidence,
like, 'I know what I'm talking about,
and I'm trying to be helpful to you here.'"
"Visualize what happens then."
Julie chuckled.
"That guy over there, no matter what I do, he's not going to listen to me.
But from this big position, I can see that's about him.
He's doesn't listen to anyone.
I don't need to take that so personally.
The others, though, they're paying attention.
They do seem to be listening to what I say.
Also, I see I could be a little more humble and patient
and say what I'm saying with explanations
so they don't feel so threatened
that what I'm saying is something they know nothing about."
"Hmm, how do you feel, Julie, as you look at that scene?"
Julie said, "Huh!
I still feel big.
I feel brighter. I feel lighter.
It's like that dark cloud of depression lifted like a fog on a sunny day."
Prescriptions without pills.
You can use these techniques as well.
Listen back to the video
and jot down the specific questions that I asked
for each of the three prescriptions.
That's your written prescription.
When you feel down,
remember,
life is not an endurance contest;
there's no need to keep suffering.
Use your prescriptions.
Pinpoint the problem, pump up and problem solve
so you, too, can return to the light of well-being.
Thank you.
(Applause)