I often joke about tensions between me and the press, but honestly, what they say doesn’t
bother me.
I understand we’ve got an adversarial system.
I’m a mellow sort of guy.
And that’s why I invited Luther, my anger translator, to join me here tonight.
(Laughter and applause.)
[LUTHER ENTERS]
LUTHER: Hold on to your lily-white butts.
(Laughter.)
THE PRESIDENT: In our fast-changing world, traditions like the White House Correspondents’
Dinner are important.
LUTHER: I mean, really, what is this dinner?
(Laughter.)
And why am I required to come to it?
(Laughter.)
Jeb Bush, do you really want to do this?
(Laughter.)
THE PRESIDENT: Because despite our differences, we count on the press to shed light on the
most important issues of the day.
LUTHER: And we can count on Fox News to terrify old white people with some nonsense!
(Laughter.)
“Sharia law is coming to Cleveland.
Run for the damn hills!”
(Laughter.)
Y’all, it’s ridiculous.
(Laughter.)
THE PRESIDENT: We won’t always see eye to eye.
LUTHER: Oh, and CNN, thank you so much for the wall-to-wall Ebola coverage.
For two whole weeks, we were one step away from the Walking Dead.
(Laughter.)
And then you all got up and just moved on to the next day.
That was awesome.
Oh, and by the way, just if you haven’t noticed, you don’t have Ebola!
(Laughter.)
THE PRESIDENT: But I still deeply appreciate the work that you do.
LUTHER: Ya’ll remember when I had that big, old hole in the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico
and then I plugged it?
Remember that?
Which “Obama’s Katrina” was that one?
Was that 19?
Or was it 20?
Because I can’t remember.
(Laughter.)
THE PRESIDENT: Protecting our democracy is more important than ever.
For example, the Supreme Court ruled that the donor who gave Ted Cruz 6 million dollars
was just exercising free speech.
LUTHER: Yeah, that’s the kind of speech like this, “I just wasted six million dollars.”
(Laughter and applause.)
THE PRESIDENT: And it’s not just Republicans.
Hillary will have to raise huge sums of money, too.
LUTHER: Oh, yes.
She’s gonna get that money.
She’s gonna get all the money.
Khaleesi is coming to Westeros.
(Laughter and applause.)
So watch out!
(Laughter.)
THE PRESIDENT: The nonstop focus on billionaire donors creates real problems for our democracy.
LUTHER: And that’s why we’re running for a third term!
(Laughter.)
THE PRESIDENT: No, we’re not.
LUTHER: We’re not?
THE PRESIDENT: No.
LUTHER: Who the hell said that?
(Laughter.)
THE PRESIDENT: But we do need to stay focused on some big challenges, like climate change.
LUTHER: Hey, listen, ya’ll, if you haven’t noticed, California is bone dry.
(Laughter.)
It looks like a trailer for the new “Mad Max” movie up in there.
(Laughter.)
Ya’ll think that Bradley Cooper came here because he wants to talk to Chuck Todd?
(Laughter.)
He needed a glass of water.
Come on!
(Laughter and applause.)
THE PRESIDENT: The science is clear.
Nine of the ten hottest years ever came in the last decade.
LUTHER: Now, I’m not a scientist, but I do know how to count to 10.
(Laughter.)
THE PRESIDENT: Rising seas, more violent storms.
LUTHER: We’ve got mosquitos.
Sweaty people on the train, stinking it up.
It’s just nasty.
(Laughter.)
THE PRESIDENT: I mean, look at what’s happening right now.
Every serious scientist says we need to act.
The Pentagon says it’s a national security risk.
Miami floods on a sunny day, and instead of doing anything about it, we’ve got elected
officials throwing snowballs in the Senate!
LUTHER: Okay, Mr. President.
Okay, I think they’ve got it, bro.
THE PRESIDENT: It is crazy!
What about our kids?
What kind of stupid, shortsighted, irresponsible bull— (Laughter and applause.)
LUTHER: Wow!
Hey!
(Applause.)
THE PRESIDENT: What?!
LUTHER: All due respect, sir.
You don’t need an anger translator.
(Laughter.)
You need counseling.
(Laughter.)
So I’m out of here, man.
I ain’t trying to get into all this.
(Laughter.)
THE PRESIDENT: Go.
(Applause.)
LUTHER: He crazy.
(Laughter and applause.)
THE PRESIDENT: Luther, my anger translator, ladies and gentlemen.
(Applause.)