Achilles, welcome!
I’m the Sibyl of Cumae, prophetess and avid reader of leaves.
To clarify, you were just slain in the Trojan War.
Sorry about that.
It’s normal to feel mixed emotions right now.
But you will be immortalized as one of the greatest warriors ever.
And you’ll have endless distractions down here.
So, pros and cons.
It gets a bad rap, but the Underworld is actually a lovely place to “live.”
It boasts historic charm and eccentric neighbors with eternal ties to the area.
The community even has its own guard dog, Cerberus.
Heel, boy! Oh.
Sorry, I know that’s a sensitive spot.
Anyway, with Cerberus, you get three for the price of one!
He’s just not a big fan of anyone leaving.
And who would want to leave anyway?
This is the Styx— it’s like the subterranean riviera.
But you’ve been here before;
it was the source of your almost complete invulnerability, of course!
The Underworld also features four other waterways:
Acheron, the river of woe; Cocytus, river of wailing;
Lethe, river of oblivion;
and Phlegethon, river of fire, a great source of natural light.
Now, on your left, you’ll see the Mourning Fields,
inhabited by souls tormented by love.
Quite an attractive place, really,
when you’re not in the throes of endless heartbreak.
And without further ado:
Elysium, the Underworld’s exclusive VIP section—
and your permanent home.
Here, you'll join the ranks of royalty and heroes.
Cadmus over there once slayed a dragon!
And Patroclus is around here somewhere, along with lots of other friends and foes.
I'll let you two get reacquainted soon,
but our tour wouldn’t be complete without a quick whirl
through the heart of Hades: Tartarus.
Tisiphone here guards the portal.
She's one of the legendary Furies
and is particularly passionate about avenging murder.
She never sleeps.
So, if you need anything, just ask!
Tartarus is reserved for a select few who some might call
the greatest sinners of all time.
Take Ixion.
He was once a king.
When he didn’t pay his wedding dowry,
his father-in-law, Deioneus, stole his horses to get even.
In retaliation, Ixion pitched Deioneus into a pit of fire.
Ixion was banished, but Zeus miraculously took pity on him,
and invited him to a Mount Olympian feast.
There, however, it soon became clear that the disgraced king
was trying to seduce Zeus’s wife, Hera.
So, Zeus contrived a trap:
a fluffy cloud that resembled Hera exactly.
When Zeus had proof of Ixion having his way with the cumulus,
well, you could say it was all nimbus from there.
That landed Ixion on the flaming wheel.
Poor thing.
Oh, and don’t mind Tantalus here.
He was part of the first generation of mortals,
enjoying privileges like dining with the gods.
Some say Tantalus stole ambrosia from Zeus,
others that he doubted the omniscience of the gods
and cooked his own son into a stew to see if they would notice.
Naturally, they did.
And as eternal punishment, when Tantalus reaches for food,
the branches grow taller.
And when he stoops to quench his thirst, the water recedes.
And here we have the Danaids.
At their father’s order, they beheaded their husbands on their wedding night.
They must fill this basin with water.
But, the trick is, their jars are cracked, so it always... just... leaks away.
Oh, but don’t worry! No leaky appliances for you.
Finally, our last stop on the tour is one of our loveliest vistas.
From here, you can see the hill where Sisyphus pushes his boulder
day after day,
only for it to roll back down again—
all for trying to cheat death.
As you can see, Achilles, the Underworld is full of exciting amenities.
Here, you don’t have to worry about brutal wars or painful cycles of revenge.
You can finally just put your feet up and relax.