- Hey friends welcome back to the channel
in this video, we're talking about one of my favorite topics
that I get asked about all the time which is confidence.
People DM me on Instagram and Twitter and stuff and say,
hey, how are you so confident?
How are you so okay with putting yourself out there?
How did you become that way?
Were you always like that?
And it's weird because when I was younger
I was pretty shy and unconfident generally across the board
especially when it came to things like public speaking.
And I'd never once thought
that I'd be comfortable enough
to do something like make YouTube videos,
ar that kind of jazz.
But for me, this whole confidence thing
was very much a skill that I knew I wanted to improve
and I took active steps
to try and get better at being confident
to the point where I think I am now reasonably okay
at being confident.
So in this video, I'm gonna share
the nine or so tips that I've learned over the last 15 years
of like actively trying to become more confident
let's go for it.
All right, so tip number one is to appreciate
the value of confidence.
And I realized this fairly early on
in my secondary school days when I was a wee teenager,
trying to learn how to code
and play "World of Warcraft" and that kind of stuff.
And I recognize that I at the time
wasn't a particularly confident person
and I knew in the back of my mind
that this was gonna hold me back in life.
I saw other kids in my class
who were more confident
who were able to sort of be comfortable
in social situations,
who are able to have banter with the teachers.
I kind of looked at them I was like,
damn do you know I would love to have that kind of skill
because I saw that it would just make my life a lot better
if I were more confident
if I could make friends easier or if I could,
I don't know I wasn't really thinking
about business opportunities and stuff.
I was thinking if I could pitch my web design services
to people and make money, if I was more confident
that would mean I have more money
and I can buy more gadgets.
And it was this thing of realizing
that the more confident you are
the more confident we can become
the more opportunities are gonna come always.
So that's tip number one
for actually going on this path
towards becoming more confident tip.
Number two that I found helpful
was to recognize that confidence
is in some ways domain specific,
but in other ways it's domain general.
So like domain specific confidence
is like when I was 13, 14
I was very confident
when I was playing PlayStation with my friends,
we'd play "Ratchet and Clank"
I was pretty good at it.
I'd be flaming them.
You know, I had a lot of confidence.
I was pretty confident in math class
because I knew that I knew what was going on
and I knew I could get the questions right in a math test.
But when it came to more social domains
like giving a presentation in class
or talking to new people and stuff
I was less confident about that.
And over time, I kind of recognized that
the feeling of confidence I had
from doing something I was good at,
I actually could just sort of apply that
to whatever domain I wanted to
and just try my best to feel that feeling
even though I wasn't feeling the feeling
if that makes sense.
And so these days for me is pretty good
because I can turn on my YouTube persona if I need to.
And so if I'm in a situation
where I'm feeling particularly unconfident
I'll just flip that switch in my head and think,
okay let's pretend I'm doing a YouTube video
and then I will kind of sort of embody a little bit more
of that confidence and charisma
that hopefully theoretically fingers crossed
comes across on camera.
Tip number three, that I found helpful was a mindset shift.
And, there's this cliche
that when it comes to confidence
you wanna fake it until you make it.
This is actually like genuinely good advice
I'd heard this advice for ages
and I didn't find it particularly helpful
but the thing like I read this quote in a book
I can't remember which book it was
but it basically said there is no difference
to the observer between real confidence and fake confidence.
Like for the most part
when we're speaking to someone
we cannot tell whether they're actually confident
or whether they're just pretending to be confident,
real confidence and fake confidence
looks pretty much identical.
Yes, caveat.
There are some issues with someone
has a lot of bravado
you can kind of tell, oh, this person's clearly faking it
but in general 99.9% of the people that we meet
we cannot tell the difference
between real confidence and fake confidence
and therefore recognizing that we can apply it to ourselves.
And so when I'm in situations
where I am not feeling confident,
I kind of tell myself, okay
there's no difference between me pretending
or acting as if I am confident and actually being confident
therefore, I will choose to act as if I'm being confident.
I will fake it until I make it.
I kind of realized that like fake it till you make it
kind of implies that you're pretending
up until the point that you're not pretending anymore.
I think in a lot of situations
we're all pretending more than we're letting on.
Even when it comes to making a YouTube video
or giving a presentation or public speaking and stuff
even though I consider myself quite good at that stuff
I still am pretending to a degree.
I am playing a part
I'm acting a persona
this is not my real life persona
that I would be with friends,
with friends I'm a lot more low key
and kind of talk like this
and that's not very engaging
when it comes to a public speaker.
So yeah, this mindset shift of fake it till you make it
is genuinely really helpful
but that plus the thing of there is no difference
between real confidence and fake confidence.
All right, so tip number four is to take baby steps.
Now, the thing about confidence
is that usually when we think like,
oh I'm not very confident,
like these days with my part-time YouTube Academy
around half the students we have
who wanna start making YouTube videos
are uncomfortable with the idea
of putting themselves out there on the internet
talking to a camera in this kind of way.
And that makes perfect sense
it is a very weird thing to do
it takes a lot of practice to get to a point
where you're comfortable talking to a camera
and just loving the sound of your own voice.
And the thing that we tell the students who are struggling
is to take really small baby steps.
So filming a video with lights, camera, microphone,
and everything is quite intimidating,
but for example, if you took out your phone
and you sent a WhatsApp video to a friend
that's not particularly intimidating.
If you post an Instagram story
that feels a lot less intimidating for some people
if you just kind of record a video and DM it to someone
that's quite easy to do
so that's a very small baby step.
Then the next step beyond that
is to film a video with your phone
and to upload it to YouTube on your YouTube channel
but make it unlisted.
So no one's gonna see it other than you and your friends
then you send the link out to some friends.
And you're like, okay, that wasn't too bad
I upload it as unlisted.
And then the final step
is to get your phone out to film a video
and just hit the publish button
because you realized that, well,
I mean I've already done the WhatsApp video
I've done the unlisted.
It's actually not that hard now to press publish
and basically everyone in my course
all of my students who have done that
have found oh yeah,
the fear about this thing publishing a YouTube video
was so much in my head
and now that I've done it
I've realized it actually wasn't too bad.
And then they're on well on their path
to becoming decent part-time YouTubers.
It's a similar thing with
Neil Strauss's book "Rules of the Game" for example,
which is a book that sort of like an action plan
to help guys who are uncomfortable talking to girls
become more comfortable with talking to girls
also I've heard.
And in that book
there's this whole 30 day plan where a day one
you're literally just gonna go up to someone
and ask them for the time.
Don't have to be a girl, just like anyone
just ask for the time.
And you just do this like five times.
Day two, you go up to random people in the street
and you ask for directions to the nearest coffee shop
that kind of stuff.
Those are the baby steps that build up the confidence muscle
of talking to strangers
and then over time theoretically,
you can get to a point
where you're comfortable going up to anyone on the street
and just having a bit of a casual chat with them
this is something I aspire to at some point in my life.
Tip number five is another mindset shift.
The thing with confidence is that
like, yes there are some practical things that we can do
but broadly it is about kind of hacking our brains
into thinking about confidence in a different way.
And one alternative way of thinking about confidence
is that confidence is not something that you build
and confidence is not something that you acquire.
Confidence is something that you can't just have.
This kind of sounds a bit weird,
but I've been into close-up magic
for the last 10 years or so
and so I've attended a lot of lectures
and performances by other magicians
whose job it is to go around parties
and tables and stage and stuff doing magic tricks.
That takes a hell of a lot of confidence.
And yeah one way to build that confidence
is to do the baby steps
and build the confidence very, very slowly over time.
But the other way of doing it
which a few magicians talk about
is just reorienting the concept of confidence in our mind
and just recognizing that you can just be confident.
You can just choose to be confident
and just play the part of someone who is confident.
That leads us to tip number six
which is to appreciate the spotlight effect.
Now, the spotlight effect,
I've talked about a few times on the channel
is this idea that we all walk around life
thinking that there is a spotlight trained on us
and that anytime we make a mistake or a fall apart
or we stumble over our words, we do anything silly.
Loads of people around us are watching us and judging us.
And for people who really have the spotlight effect
that leads to a feeling of unconfidence
because confidence generally comes
from a sense of comfort within ourselves
a sense of being okay with taking risks
and maybe even looking like a fool.
But if we walk around life
thinking that everyone around us is judging us
that's gonna be really, really bad for our confidence.
Now when it comes to the spotlight effect
the sort of two things to keep in mind,
number one is to recognize that broadly
no one really cares.
Everyone is walking around
with their own spotlight train on them
and everyone is worrying
about what everyone else is thinking
therefore, very few people
are actually looking at us
and analyzing our actions and being like,
Oh, ha ha, that person's not very confident
that's point number one.
And point number two
is that if you are the sort of person
who goes around judging people, stop doing that.
It's a total waste of time.
Like most people are not doing that
and if you're walking around being like,
oh, what's he wearing?
Oh, what are those shoes that she's wearing?
Oh, that guy's hair looks a bit weird.
You're very, very unlikely to be a confident person
because you are literally doing the thing
that you're scared of
and you're not recognizing
that like 95% of people don't think in those ways.
So walking around life
with a judgmental attitude towards other people
it's just a terrible, terrible, terrible way to live.
So please stop doing that.
And I guarantee you will naturally become more confident
as you realize that broadly
no one actually cares about you
therefore you don't really need to care or judge
what other people are doing.
Tip number seven is one that I tell myself all the time
which is that everyone is friendly
but you have to go first.
And usually when I'm in any kind of social situation
I tell myself, I need to make the first move.
If I'm at work and there's like a new doctor
that I'm working with
I tell myself that, okay I need to make the first move
and say hello or like ask a question
or like do a bit of banter
or talk about their love life or anything like that.
And in like 99.9% of cases,
I get a positive response
because generally people are friendly.
It's just that everyone is scared of going first.
And so if you can be the person to go first
and just tell yourself that I'm just gonna go first,
if you can like take that baby step
of putting yourself up there just a little bit
it really results in a positive response for most people.
And for me the more I've done this more I've realized,
I'm actually a pretty confident guy
I just have to take that first step of going first.
It's like a lot of things in life
where getting started is the hard part
but once you're doing it's actually quite nice.
And for most of us watching this
once you're in a conversation with someone
it's probably pretty reasonable
but it's just getting into that conversation
that feels a little bit like, oh,
I don't know if I should push the boat out,
I don't know if I should like say hello
to that person who's sitting on the plane next to me
that kind of stuff.
It's just pushing through that starting point
and recognizing that starting is hard
but then continuing is easy
everyone is friendly but you have to go for it.
Tip number nine for becoming more confident
is to just practice confidence
like anything is a skill, like a skill, it can be improved.
And the more we put ourselves into uncomfortable situations
situations where we're stretching our comfort zone
the more generally we're gonna become confident
because we realize we can thrive in those settings as well.
So for me they were kind of three things
that I actively did to help improve my confidence.
Number one was that when I was in school
and recognized that I needed to become more confident
any time we'd have a class
or a lecture or presentation or anything
I would make it a point to ask a question at the end.
So throughout the whole thing, I'd be like dreading
like oh my God, I need to ask the question
what is that question gonna be?
And then I put my hand up and I would ask a question.
And then over time it just became so normal
to the point where I now have zero qualms
about asking a question,
even in a lecture theater of like 400 medical students.
Secondly, confidence was part of the reason
that I started dabbling in close up magic.
Being a magician is quite a scary thing
you have to go up to people and say,
hey you wanna see a magic trick
and you have to hope that you can perform
and that you can be entertaining
and that you can be confident.
And so I was doing shows at like hospices,
and restaurants and later at (indistinct)
parties at university.
And all of these were stretching my comfort zone
a little bit.
And now I know that if I've got a deck of cards in my hand
I'm pretty comfortable going up
to a group of people and being like, hey, hi,
you know, just kind of talking to them
maybe showing a magic trick.
It still feels a little bit scary
but the fact that I was putting myself
into those uncomfortable situations
really helped get my own confidence up.
And thirdly, when I started university
I made a point that all right,
you know, Ali, I'm not gonna be the shy unconfident dude
that was in school
I'm gonna be a legend,
I'm gonna be super charismatic.
And so I made it a point that anytime
I'd sit next to someone in a lecture at university
I would say hi, I don't think we've met yet
my name's Ali and the kind of offer shake their hand.
And that worked really well
I met lots of people that way of being that
hi, I don't think we've met yet
my name is Ali.
How's it going?
That kind of vibe.
It's sort of just realizing
that it's actually quite easy to do that
and everyone kind of wants to make friends.
And the more I did this, the more I realized,
oh, maybe I am a kind of a confident guy
and maybe this thing of oh, Ali,
you're shy and unconfident.
It was just a story that I was telling myself
that might not necessarily be true anymore.
And finally tip number nine
is above all recognizing that confidence is a skill
and it's a skill that can and should be learned.
And so if you want to improve your confidence like I did
I think honestly,
there's loads of YouTube videos these days
like the channel "Charisma on Command"
is really good YouTube channel
they've got a great book as well
which is one of the first things that I read
when I came to improve my own confidence.
But there was another book that I read
which I still read like maybe once every two years or so,
which is a really, really popular book on the subject
and that's called "How to Win Friends and Influence People"
So if you're interested in improving your own confidence
I'd really recommend giving that a read or a listened to.
And if you wanna listen to it, you can do it on audible
by kindly sponsoring this video
as you guys probably know I freaking love audible.
I listen to audible all the time
I listened to audible for like
between one and three hours every single day.
And these days I listen
to a mixture of fiction and nonfiction books.
So the fiction books
that I love in audible are fantasy books
like Brandon Sanderson's "Mistborn Saga"
If you haven't checked it out you definitely should.
And in terms of non-fiction books,
"How to Win Friends and Influence People"
is genuinely really, really good.
and it's a very inspiring listen.
Anytime I listened to it
I think, oh yeah,
and I feel this renewed sense of confidence.
Yeah, you know I can be a confident kind of person.
If you haven't tried audible by now
you're seriously missing out
head over to audible.com/aliabdaal
and you will get a 30 day free trial
with a free audio book of your choice.
If you're interested in being more confident
I'd recommend "How to Win Friends and Influence People"
Or alternatively, if you're interested
in just like a fantastic, fantastic fantasy series
you will absolutely love
the "Mistborn" series by Brandon Sanderson.
Another huge recommendation of mine on audible.
So head over to audible.com/aliabdaal
or if you're in the U.S text aliabdaal to 500-500
and you will get your free 30 day trial audible
with a free audio book.
And if you've gotten to the end of this video
and you're interested in more tips on becoming confident
you should check out this video over here
which is my top 10 tips for aspiring YouTubers.
A lot of that stuff is relevant
even if you don't actually want to be a YouTuber
but a lot of the fear of starting YouTube
is around confidence.
So you'll find some really interesting tips there hopefully.
Thank you so much for watching
and I'll see you in the next video.
Bye bye.
(soft music)