Alright, now, throughout my life
I've experienced plenty of awkward situations.
I don't know, if I'm like, some sort of awkwardness magnet or what,
but they tend to happen quite often.
And today I'd like to go over three specific awkward situations
that were a little bit more awkward than usual, if you will.
Now, this first story occurred a long time ago,
when I was driving home from work one day.
I pull up in front of my house,
and that's when I notice that there's a neighbor kid in my yard
poking a dead squirrel with a wiffle ball bat.
Now, I really didn't think this was all that weird at first,
hell, if anything, I was kind of excited for the kid.
I was like, "Oh, look at that.
A kid playing with a dead animal.
Just like the olden times when I was a child. How neat."
So I get out of my car and I yell out to this kid nonchalantly,
"Hey, what you doin' over there,
are you making a new friend?"
Now, this kid looks up at me,
and all of a sudden just starts wailing his ass off.
(Wailing as fuck)
Now, I don't know if you've ever accidentally
made a child cry openly in public,
but it's a wildly uncomfortable situation to be in.
He runs over to his dad, who's cutting the grass at the time,
and side note: I don't really know this kid's dad all that well.
I mean, we've been neighbors for years at this point,
but, well, we've only really had one actual conversation before
and that conversation went something along the lines of me being like,
"Hey there, neighbor! How's it going?"
(Engine starts, tires squeal)
"Oh, okay! Well, I'll probably go fuck myself, how about that?"
Well, this guy cuts off his lawn mover and he says to me,
how did he put it...
Oh yeah, that's right, he said...
"What the fuck did you just say to my kid?!"
Now, at first I didn't know what to say,
I mean, everything happened so fast,
I thought I just asked the kid what he was doing.
But judging by his reaction,
hell, I might've told him to go fuck himself
and that I was gonna go kill his family dog.
"Uh, I just asked if he was making a new friend."
"With a dead fucking squirrel?!"
"Uh, yeah, that's kind of weird when you put it like that."
"Don't ever talk to my kid again, you fucking pervert!
What the hell is the matter with you?!"
And just like that, that was the end of the discussion,
he went back to cutting his grass,
I'm labeled as the fucking neighborhood pervert now,
and for the rest of the years that I lived there,
I'm pretty sure slandered my ass silly to the rest of the neighborhood.
"Hey, watch out for this guy! He'll fucking...
Try to get your kid to play with dead animals!
Be on the lookout!"
So after that little instance I decided I'm just not gonna talk to people anymore.
To hell with casual conversation!
Because one minute you're asking a kid a question,
and the next minute you're on a goddamn registry of some sort.
It's stupid.
But even when I do manage to keep my mouth shut,
I still find myself in plenty of awkward situations.
Like, for example, not too long ago I was at Kroger's buying beer.
And Kroger's, for those of you that don't know,
is a grocery store in the Midwest.
You might have like an Albertsons where you live, or like a...
Winn Dixie or whatever the fuck Florida people have.
But here we have Kroger's,
a.k.a. K-rogers,
a.k.a. Kenny Rogers, that's what I call it.
So anyways, I'm at the Kenny Rogers with my case of Miller Lite,
when suddenly my wife calls me up on the phone and she's like,
"Hey, sorry to make you do this, but...
I really need you to buy me a box of tampons.
And please, for the love of God,
don't make this into a shitty little internet cartoon."
Now, I know a lot of husbands are embarrassed
to buy lady products for their wives.
They get all paranoid for whatever reason, like,
like somebody's gonna call their ass out, like,
"Oh, sick! Look, this dude's buying tampons!
Those are for women, you sick fucking pervert!"
But I don't get embarrassed, that's never been an issue for me.
Hell, if anything, I'll hoist that damn box of tampons above my head
like it's a fucking Stanley Cup.
"Attention all of Kenny Rogers!
I am a man buying tampons for my bleeding wife!"
So I'm standing in line for the cashier,
holding my case of Miller Lights and my box of Tampax Pearls.
Well, it was right about then
that I start thinking about something that I saw on TV a while back.
And that something was like an episode of 60 Minutes or some shit,
where they were doing a story about teenagers who soaked tampons in alcohol
and then they, you know... shoved them up their asses to get super drunk!
I'm not making this up,
this was a real fucking thing I've seen on TV.
The news anchor was like,
"Are your kids shoving beer-infused tampons up their assholes?
More at 11!"
Or whatever the fuck he said.
Well, now I start getting a little paranoid, because...
Now I look like the goddamn poster child of this newfangled teenage trend.
I look back at the dude behind me,
and he's giving me a look like...
he fucking seen the same episode of 60 Minutes that I did.
"Boy, looks like you quite a night planned out for yourself now, don't ya?"
So I go to check-out,
and I can tell that the cashier is totally perplexed at my choice of groceries.
He's looking at the tampons and beer,
then back at me,
and then back at the tampons and beer, and he's trying to figure out
what the fuck the correlation is between these two products.
Well, now I feel like I have to speak up and try to...
defend myself to some degree.
"Uh, look, it's really not what it looks like, okay?"
"Uh, what's not what it looks like?"
"The beer and the tampons. I'm not like... doing anything weird with them."
"Uh, why would I think that in the first place?"
"Oh, you know, because... Apparently, teenagers soak these things in alcohol,
and then they shove them up their assholes.
Ahem."
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"You know what, never mind! Forget everything I said!
I have to leave now."
And then I promptly ran out of that Kenny Rogers like the building was on fire.
And I haven't been back there since.
"Crikey! That pervert's totally jamming them things up his bum hole!"
Alright, so now, all of a sudden, I'm the neighborhood pervert,
and I'm the guy who shoves tampons up my ass.
That's quite the reputation I'm building for myself.
What can I say.
Now, thankfully, this last story has less to do with me
and more to do with a couple of friends of ours.
Now, these aren't exactly close friends, I would say,
at least not close enough for me to not tell this story to the general public.
But I will change their names in this shitty cartoon to protect their privacy,
if you will.
So this story begins with me and my wife going on a canoe trip with our friends
Jimothee and Stennifer.
Ahem.
And this wasn't a very crazy canoe trip that we took,
it was only like 4 hours or so.
You shoot your ass down the river and try not to drown.
Then they pick you up in a van and take you back to the parking lot.
Nothing awkward about that, right?
Well, after the trip's over,
we're standing there, waiting for the shuttle to pick us up.
And good old Jimothee over here
starts talking about this vacation that they took in Wisconsin.
"Dude! Wisconsin is BADASS!
There's fucking cheese, and there's cows...
And there's more cheese..."
Now, I did not give a fuck about this story to begin with, because...
Well, who the hell takes a vacation to Wisconsin in the first place?
But I try to be polite, I stand there and listen to his story.
"Oh, that's pretty neat. Wisconsin, huh? Never heard of the place."
Well, Jimothee decides to pull out his phone
to show me this Airbnb that they stayed at.
And this is where things get a little weird.
(Click!)
Now, you have to understand that all this happened in a matter of seconds.
So I'm gonna have to slow things down and do a little play-by-play.
First, Jimothee pulls out his phone.
He then pulls up his web browser.
On his web browser was a Google search, that, I'm assuming,
Jimothee googled prior to this canoe trip.
And that Google search, of course, was
Now, if you're not familiar with what pegging is,
well, my ass is not gonna tell you.
That's a version of the birds and bees
I'm not trying to fucking have with the general public, alright?
Just know that it's a very intimate activity between...
Jimothee and Jennifer... ahem, Stennifer!
And I'm sure, neither of their asses wanted me to know about it.
Well, in a fraction of the second that this all took place,
Jimothee's ass abruptly turns off his phone and he's like,
"You guys wanna talk about something else? Fuck Wisconsin!
Canoeing is fun, wasn't it? I love canoeing so much!"
Now, I don't know how you're supposed to handle a situation such as this,
but I just pretended that I didn't see what I saw,
even though I totally saw what I fucking seen.
All I can say is that van ride back was extremely awkward
and casual conversation was very difficult.
"Uh, boy, those rapids that we encountered sure were a pain in the ass, weren't they?"
"Uh, you'd fucking know, wouldn't you?"
"Huh?"
"Nothing, nothing! Ah...
Yeah, at least it was nice and calm on that last peg of the river-- ahem!
Leg of the river!"
So yeah, there you have it, there's three awkward situations that...
I really wish I wasn't a part of.
I'm sorry that two out of the three stories
had to do with things being inserted into asses,
but that's the way it goes.
Like Meat Loaf said,
And to Jimothee, if you're out there watching this,
which... there's a good chance that you are,
I'm sorry I had to slander your ass six ways to Sunday
and I wish you no hard feelings whatsoever.
Unless, of course, those hard feelings are in your asshole.
Then I wish you all the hard feelings.
All of them in the whole wide world.
The end.
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