I'm Joe Grossman I was a writer for The Late Show with David Letterman from 2004 to 2015.
so the show started in 1982 and unfortunately I missed the first probably seven or eight years
of it because I was a child I do have an earliest memory of watching Dave they were doing the show
from Las Vegas that week and they were doing a Chiron quiz where they you know kind of shoot
random footage of scenes around town and then come up with funny explanations for what you're
seeing in the footage and there was one joke that has stuck with me for about 35 years now
the scene shows hey the Magnificent spectacle at Caesar's Palace be a tourist asking advice
c a penis on network television right there it is ready for me and I remember as an 11 or 12
year old child I wasn't amused and I wasn't offended I just found it very disconcerting
it's like what is this I'm watching why are they saying these things why is that on TV and then the
monologue jokes did not make sense to a child or again too many adults kind of a crazy thing
happened I did this about once a month me and my volunteer fireman buddies get together and they'll
they come over to the place and it happened again last night we got really really drunk
and and tried to flush a ham down the toilet and I don't know it's
it at the time it was really quite funny and you know I've been a comedy writer now for almost 20
years and you know if you're trying to diagram a joke the way you would diagram a sentence
it's hard to make that joke really hold together technically it was baffling it was confounding and
it was also riveting and that's what I remember from those earliest memories one of the things I
look forward to especially was again you know Johnny Carson ends and then starts off with
that intro that opening sequence that they did you fly into the City and then you're flying through
all these abandoned places with maybe just like one or two lingering people the shot where they
fly into the apartment and there was usually a dog lying in the dog bed but they also shot an
alternate version where the dog was not in the dog bed and I would always be upset when the dog
was not in the dog bed what happened to the dog is the dog okay I know there was a dog there I
saw it last night one of my favorite moments as a viewer before I got to the show he was just an
example of how Dave could sometimes be funnier than any material the writers could ever provide
him with Dave was talking about the standards and practices at CBS and when you could or could not
show a middle finger on television from the standards and practices Department telling
me specifically you cannot give the finger on television not do that and so that means
they have to edit it somehow and I'm thinking well but what what if it was like this does it
because you know the case could be made oh look it's here we go there but then if you do that
okay so we're assuming that this configuration of a human hand is acceptable now what about that
what about that are we all right there there okay
thank you
I started writing for the show in 2004 and a couple years later the other writers started
writing me into little bits on the show which you know I never wrote myself into the show
I'm uncomfortable with any attention at all on me of course this being the Letterman show
that's something they gravitated toward oh here's someone who doesn't belong on camera
let's put them on camera when they're putting you on the show they're often going to ask you
to do things that might undermine your dignity I have two very young children they know I work in
television and someday I will have to explain to them why Daddy drank so much urine on television
Charlie Sheen agreed to take a drug test to prove that he's fit to go back to work here now with the
results of the test is Vice President of a company called Narco Tech testing Labs Dr Gil Vernon what
kind of Testa did Charlie Sheen take for your company it was a urine test urine test did you
find any Controlled Substances any illegal drugs in in the urine sample let me check okay foreign
Cryer's urine
are you sure hold on
it's definitely crier part of the reason I was put on the show was because I'm good
at maintaining no expression because I have very few human emotions the one time that I
really had a hard time with not breaking was when I was playing Ox the Wilderness
expert and what do you have in the canteen is that is that in fact urine it's urine
yeah and who who's none of my business but whose urine is that Herbie hancocks
the first time I ever had to shoot a pre-taped comedy piece with Dave was a little stressful
for me we're all setting up in there waiting for Dave to show up and making
sure the cameras and lighting and everything is set up and I'm just sitting there thinking
don't screw this up don't embarrass yourself in front of Dave so finally Dave walks into
the room and he says beautiful weather we're having today right I'm thinking
was he talking to me was he not talking to me he couldn't be talking to me because he doesn't
know me he was probably talking to someone else there's a lot of people in the room I'm going
over and over this in my mind overthinking this meanwhile the seconds are ticking by no one has
said anything so after a few seconds Dave says all right I guess I'll just go [ __ ] myself
I think so sorry I can't see that box are your box is up in the jacket probably the piece I did the
most often on the show even more than drinking urine was a bit where I come out as the lazy
idiot writer who is reading jokes from a little notebook where I'm so lazy and stupid that I've
just taken one reference and changed the name to another reference without changing the rest
of the joke Conan O'Brien's chin is so big it was just hired as the new spokesman for Jenny Craig
Conan O'Brien owns so many cars every Valentine's Day he sends a floral arrangement to his mechanic
Conan O'Brien's voice is so high pitched doctors use it to dissolve kidney stones
I know what that is those are just jokes about Jay that you put Conan's name in
now do you have a joke about Conan or not okay got one okay all right
Joe Grossman Conan O'Brien is so old every night when he finishes
taping cbs's Late Show his staff wraps him in mummy bandages and puts him into sarcophagus
there were a couple times where I would be in the Green Room pitching comedy
ideas uh one time to the Foo Fighters what about one of you appearing as Foo Ferrigno
fugasit Jr
food Diamond Phillips don't you have any ideas that aren't just terrible puns using the word Foo
hold on
got one would you be willing to box a kangafu
and one time to the Wu-Tang Clan in my Archive of things that I kept from the show I have a script
of the Wu-Tang Clan script before we'd sent it to them before we'd send it to Dave someone wrote at
the top of the script not approved by Dave not approved by Wu-Tang Clan it was just so strange
to see those two things there like okay Dave's not on board yet Wu Tang is not on board yet but
we're we're hoping for the green light from both of them you have a beverage called Wu Tang Tang
what's that like the the powdered orange drink right
yeah it's the official beverage of the hip-hop Space Program
yeah that's the one right there that's great go with that one write that one down do that one all
right Joe there you go the one that stands out most to me um after I was done with my little
bit I walk off stage and waiting in the wings there is tonight's first guest Harrison Ford
he looks at me and says that was really funny and then he says can I borrow that notebook and
Harrison Ford walks out to Dave for his interview carrying my little notebook and for the first 10
seconds or so of the interview he's doing an impression of me what a thrill always nice to
see you you're a good looking guy and great to have you here and and thank you very much yes um
so you're saying if the camera had not been there Harrison you wouldn't have signed those autographs
laughs
yeah yeah that's what he's saying uh one piece I wrote that probably no one else remembers I think
it was 2013. there was a big scandal going on up in Canada with the then mayor of Toronto Rob Ford
who was caught on video smoking crack so we did a lot of material about that for probably a month
one day he had to testify in front of the Toronto City Council about what had happened and the the
councilwoman asks Mayor Ford have you in the past 30 days use any illegal drugs and then they cut to
Rob Ford and he sits there for a good 20 seconds of pure silence nothing and then finally says
yes I have so I had this idea to have that clip reenacted by animals tonight
on animals reenact the news Toronto mayor Rob Ford testifies before the city council
laughs
thanks for watching animals running back to news one of the challenges of writing for Dave is
you're not always looking for the funniest joke or the best joke you're just looking
for the joke that hits his very strange Target of interest and
it's it's hard to predict one time I remember him genuinely laughing at something I wrote
it was a fun fact you know we used to do these fun facts every Friday night he read this one
fun fact I wrote and then he just sat there for like 10 seconds afterwards kind of laughing at it
not a huge laugh but like genuinely laughing at it and I I remember it was probably the
first time I saw Dave truly genuinely obviously clearly enjoying something I wrote in 1961 NASA
studied the viability of having Jackie Gleason punch astronauts to the Moon
oh golly and there was one other fun fact I wrote that it's the only time
actually got written confirmation that Dave liked something I wrote it was also
a fun fact and we got a memo back from the head writers saying Dave really liked this fun fact
if you all can think of more like this that would be great if you see the glass as half full you're
an optimist if you see it through lenses you prescribe for yourself you're an optometrist I
think it was 2014 there was a big fuss going on in the NBA the previous year we'd had uh retiring NBA
Commissioner David Stern on the show to do a top 10 list so I thought oh what if we have you know
here to comment on this NBA controversy tonight we have former NBA Commissioner David Stern and
we can just recycle the footage of David Stern walking out on stage so it looks like he's here
on stage but they say okay yeah Dave's on board but we need one more thing we need when Dave says
goodbye we need to see David Stern exit the stage and I said well that's a problem because when we
shot the top 10 a year ago we didn't get his exit on video and I was told we need his exit Okay you
hang up the phone and you go to the editor and say we need an exit bear with me can we just
take his entrance and play it in reverse and then you cut to Dave and he is sitting there genuinely
laughing at how stupid his show has become first of all you must be stunned and appalled by what's
been going on out there in California but tell me something give us a little insight you were
Commissioner of this league and you took it from one level to a huge global commercial entity in
all those 30 years tell us what you learned about the culture of basketball in America
moisten needle before inserting
thank you very much for dropping by David Stern ladies and gentlemen
is it me or did he walk out backwards I think he backed out yeah you might have backed out
something I enjoyed doing it was called CBS affiliate of the night where I would just look
at what the local affiliates local CBS Affiliates around the country were saying about Dave on their
newscast because you know at 11 34 PM they'd say oh uh coming up next is the late show and
sometimes they do a little small talk little bantero who's on Dave tonight and every now and
then they might say something that that was less than flattering today when you have a television
network what that is it's a family and we here in New York and the folks at CBS in California we are
like the parents of the family and making up the the children of the family and perhaps aunts and
uncles as well siblings too uh would be all of the CBS Affiliates all across the North America
Now by way of introducing this next segment it's called CBS affiliate of the night take a look
Conan has been offered 30 million dollars to walk away from his NBC contract
team Conan I do I'm team Conan Conan I do like Jay Leno as well but Conan's
just hilarious we're two Lettermen though actually yeah well I won't say anything
that's a CBS affiliate the one thing that I was involved in I wouldn't say responsible for but
involved in that got on the show more frequently more just just sheer bulk was the sneezing monkey
and I remember Dave a couple times had to explain this is not something we found someplace else
we're not digging up footage from a zoo somewhere this is something that happened in our building
under our supervision and it's the kind of thing you can't write you can't write let's make a
monkey sneeze you'll get in a lot of trouble for that I think it was Thanksgiving 2008 and during
the the lunch we would shoot some little comedy bits about silly things that happened during
the lunch you know this staffer brought his wife to the show and this staffer brought his
kids and oh this writer here he brought his pet monkey yeah look Joe Grossman brought his monkey
and then after we were done suddenly the monkey sneezes and I remember uh asking
was the camera rolling for that did we get that on video and yeah the camera's rolling we called
the head writers and said we just got video of a monkey sneezing wait a minute I think maybe we
have a special holiday treat I don't know I didn't clear this with the producers I'm not sure I think
maybe we have a special holiday treat and if we do here's what it's going to be a sneezing monkey
please stay
let me just check do we have a sneezing monkey ready to go
okay take a look and enjoy my gift to you for the holidays
is that all you want my God
and I remember one piece I wrote I don't remember what the piece was because it didn't air
um but they showed it to Dave in the dressing room and after the show the head writers told me
what Dave said about the piece and uh I haven't written down here I have to refer to my notes
Dave described watching this piece that I'd written as uh he said it was like watching
a 2x4 falling off a pickup truck in front of you and crashing through your windshield
so that piece did not air that night but yeah