-I am Lilly Singh.
I actually just changed my Instagram handle to @Lilly.
That's right. Just Lilly.
I'm famous.
[ Laughter ]
Go ahead and smash that follow button.
But don't expect me to post too much.
Because real talk --
I'm trying my best to limit my time on social media.
I know. I know. I know. It's good. I know.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's because I recently read a study
that said too much social media can impact your posture.
Yeah. It can make you look an inch or two shorter.
And I ain't trying to wear heels to make up for all of that.
[ Laughter ] Okay? Clearly.
[ Applause ]
An inch or two shorter also seems completely
counterintuitive to how most men use their phones.
[ Audience ohs ]
Yeah, y'all look real awkward right now. Don't you?
[ Laughter ]
And not only that, there was recently a study that said
that we were growing horns on the back of our necks
from looking down at our phones too much.
Again, based on some of the pics guys send me,
they're horny enough.
[ Laughter ]
Now, before you freak out too much,
it was revealed that the horn study
wasn't completely reliable. No.
But do you know why everyone thought it was?
Because it was all over social media.
[ Laughter ]
Social media has convinced us everything on it is true.
It's kind of like that kid in elementary school
who was the authority on sex because he had HBO.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, that's the thing.
Social media isn't only ruining our bodies.
It's ruining our brains.
Do you remember our brains?
They used to give us ideas.
[ Laughter ]
Now they just say, "Let's go on Twitter
and see if the world is still on fire.
Oh, it is? Cool. #Hotgirlsummer."
[ Laughter and applause ]
So dumb.
Think about life before social media.
You used to have to wait for holiday gatherings
to find out which one of your family members were racist.
[ Laughter ]
Don't you remember how sweet the world used to be?
See, I'm old enough to remember that world,
where trolls were just dolls
with bad hair instead of angry virgins.
[ Laughter ]
Now I'm sure a lot of you are -- See, look.
They love -- I said, "virgins." [ Laughs ]
Anytime I say a sexual word -- [ Laughs ]
I'm sure a lot of you are like, "That ain't me. Okay?
I'm not addicted to social media."
Well, I created a test.
Here's how you know you're using too much social media.
When you're at the grocery store and you see an eggplant
and think, "Whoa, produce section,
I don't think we're there yet" --
if that's you, you need to get your peach emoji
off social media.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, I'm guilty of being addicted to social media.
Everyone I know is guilty of this addiction.
I had a boyfriend once who was constantly on his phone.
Just swiping and swiping and swiping.
You know, it was like, "Oh, interesting.
So you do know how to use your fingers."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Hello.
[ Laughter ]
Our young brains can't handle so much social media.
So how should we expect our parents' brains to handle it?
You know what I'm saying?
Parents on social media started out as just annoying.
But now it's straight up sinister.
Before, my mom would post things on my wall,
like telling me about, "Oh, Kevin Dawson
from high school is getting married. How cute."
[ Laughter ]
Now, she's posting stuff like,
"Did you hear the Earth is flat?
Terrence Howard said so."
[ Laughter ]
Social media disease has destroyed our brain so much
that when we go see Beyoncé live,
a transformative experience, our brains tell us,
"I should pull out my phone
and post this entire concert to my stories."
[ Laughter ]
No one wants to see your shaky videos
of ant-size Beyoncé, Karen!
[ Laughter ]
God!
It's gotten so bad
that I recently read an article about social-media rehabs.
Yeah, that's a real thing.
And the worst part of social-media rehab is
you spend the first few days going through
really graphic withdrawals,
and there's no one there to livestream it.
[ Laughter ]
Pics or you didn't have a breakthrough, y'all.
[ Laughter ]
Now, I think it's incredible
that there are social-media rehabs now.
Because when I was growing up, rehab was mainly
just former Disney stars who believe in six chances.
[ Laughter ]
But if I can get real with y'all for --
[ Laughter ]
But if I can get real with y'all for a second.
I feel like life would be better
if we just all took a break from social media.
We should all just take a little bit of time each day
to log off to speak to one another face to face.
It's the only way that we can all come together
and reach an understanding as a society
that behind our profile pictures we're all real people.
That was actually taken from a Facebook status
I posted earlier today. [ Laughter ]
Yeah. It got 18,000 likes,
and so I thought that I had to share it with you.
[ Cheers and applause ]