Five, four, three, two, one
Hey, Jeff. Hi, Chip.
What are you up to this weekend, man?
What I'm up to this weekend?
Well, Chip, I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you.
I know a lot of people say that as a sort of weak attempted humor.
But I'm being serious.
I would really have to kill you
I'd have to make you disappear.
Permanently.
You might think of me as Jeff, the good-natured new guy in data processing.
But I am a deadly killer in doctrine in the ways of the assassin.
You need an example?
I can come silently at night.
Your wife and your children wouldn't hear a sound.
Your dog wouldn't even stir.
You would just be gone as if you never existed.
No trace, no clues.
The local authorities would scratch their heads in puzzlement.
"We don't even know where to start", they would exclaim.
It's as if he's disappeared into thin air.
I am not joking.
Unlike the hilarious IT guy who tells you:
"I could show you how to turn on your out-of-office assistant
but then I'd have to kill you.
And I actually watched the life fade from man's eyes.
Not once, but many
many times.
Your IT friend thinks he knows what this is like
but the 1000+ hours he's invested in Halo don't even compare.
Also after that IT guy ends up telling you how to operate your out-of-office assistant
You probably exchange pleasantries and then go your separate ways.
This is not how it'll all go down if I tell you how I'm spending my weekend.
Because as I mentioned before if I really do that I would have to kill you.
For real
And forever
It wouldn't be a choice. It would be an automatic reaction
like pulling your hand back from a hot stove.
It could be that quick too.
It might involve something as ordinary as a shoe horn
That's funny, is it?
It makes you giggle.
There are 95 things even more mundane than a shoe horn.
Things you might find even more hilarious.
And the more we talk about this
the closer I get to telling you about my weekend activities and then my friend
this game we're playing, this little dance will be over.
Once you hear about my weekend you'd better make sure you are never alone
So you always stay within the safety of a crowd.
Make sure to keep your back to the wall and your eyes on the doors and windows at all times.
And never enter a room without knowing where the exits are
Make sure someone walks you to your car
Or better yet don't use your car at all.
Make sure to test your food for poison before you eat it.
Don't trust your neighbor, your mailman, your clergyman, your pet.
What?
You don't think I can disguise myself as a pug?
You don't know the half of it.
But do your best, Chip.
Put yourself on guard 24 hours a day and seven days a week
It still won't be enough
Because it will slip your mind.
And when it does. The very moment you let your guard down
I'll be there.
It will be over
So before you ask me about my weekend again, Chip.
Maybe take a moment and go to the conference room
to have a slice of Debbie's happy Friday chocolate cake,
get another diet coke.
Weigh your words carefully.
And then tell me
Do you really wanna know?
Definitely not, man.
No
Are you kidding me?
No
You have just starred at me in silence for two and a half minutes
You're freak, dude.
No, everybody thinks that you're freak.
I was being polite.
Don't do shit like this.
Okay
Alright?
Okay