- LET'S TALK ABOUT THE BOOK,
'CAUSE YOU TALK ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS.
YOU TALK ABOUT MADONNA,
THAT THERE WAS ALMOST A HOOK-UP.
I'M SURPRISED THAT IT WASN'T A HOOK-UP,
BUT WHAT HAPPENED THAT IT WASN'T A HOOK-UP WITH MADONNA?
- YES, I LOST MY NERVE, CLEARLY. - REALLY?
- UH, NO. - THAT'S NOT THE ROB I KNOW.
- NO, IT IS NOT, 'CAUSE I'M STILL WILD!
- YEAH. - WASN'T WILD ENOUGH.
WELL, THE BOOK IS PEPPERED WITH STORIES LIKE THAT
THAT SPEAK TO LARGER THEMES, AND WHAT I--WHAT--
MADONNA WANTED ME TO COME AND DANCE WITH HER
AT THIS CRAZY DANCE THING, AND THERE WERE PEOPLE, LIKE,
TRYING TO RIP HER APART 'CAUSE SHE WAS SO FAMOUS AT THE TIME,
AND I JUST DIDN'T WANT ANY PART OF IT.
AND SHE TURNED TO ME AND SHE SAID, "I'M GONNA DO IT,
BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO LET SUCCESS 'F' UP MY FUN."
AND I'VE NEVER FORGOTTEN THAT SHE--
AND SHE DID, AND THEN THAT WAS THE END OF IT.
AND I THOUGHT THAT WAS SUCH AN INTERESTING THING TO SAY.
AND THAT'S WHY IT'S IN THE BOOK, AS LIKE,
WHAT DOES FUN REALLY MEAN? - MM-HMM.
- AND HOW COULD SUCCESS ENHANCE IT
OR BE A DETRI-- BE A PROBLEM FOR IT.
SO THAT'S WHY IT'S IN THE BOOK.
AND WE ENDED UP NOT HAVING ANY FUN BECAUSE OF IT.
- OH, NO.
AND HAVE YOU SEEN HER SINCE?
- YEAH, I'VE SEEN HER A COUPLE TIMES SINCE THEN,
AND WE ALWAYS LAUGH ABOUT IT.
- YEAH, SO SHE REMEMBERS THAT NIGHT ALSO?
- WELL, THAT PARTICULAR NIGHT...
- NO.
- IT'S A MIRACLE THAT EITHER ONE OF US DO.
LET'S--IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, AND I KNOW YOU DO.
- AND THAT'S THE THING-- AND I KNOW--
AND YOU HAVE BEEN SOBER FOR 20--HOW LONG?
MANY, MANY YEARS. - 24 YEARS IN MAY.
- 24 YEARS, SO...
[cheers and applause]
YOU LOOK REAL GOOD. - THANK YOU.
- LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE TAKEN CARE OF YOURSELF.
AND THEN THERE'S SOME MEMORABLE KISSING.
YOU'VE KISSED A LOT OF PEOPLE,
AND THERE'S ONE MEMORABLE STORY ABOUT...
- YES. - WORKING WITH SOMEONE.
- I WANTED TO--I LOVE BOOKS THAT TAKE ME BEHIND THE SCENES
OF WORLDS THAT I KNOW--
I'M NEVER GONNA BE IN A SHUTTLE TO THE MOON.
NOT EVERYBODY'S GONNA BE ABLE TO BE ON A TELEVISION SERIES,
AND SO I WANTED TO WRITE SOME STORIES
ABOUT WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ON A TV SERIES REALLY,
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY,
WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ON A TV SERIES
THAT IS CLEARLY AN UNMITIGATED DISASTER.
'CAUSE I'VE HAD THOSE AS WELL AS THE HITS.
IT'S A PARADE OF INDIGNITIES,
AND THE CULMINATING BLOW FOR ME WAS HAVING
THE ACTRESS WHO DIDN'T WANT TO KISS ME IN THE LOVE SCENE.
AND IT WAS LIKE, "THIS? AFTER ALL OF THIS,
"ALL THE STUFF WE'RE TRYING TO DO,
I NOW HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS?"
- SHE DIDN'T WANT TO KISS YOU?
- AND THAT PERSON WOULD BE JEWEL.
AND--AND--SHE DIDN'T WANT--
- NOW-- - I'M SORRY. IT'S HARD FOR ME.
IT'S HARD FOR ME. - WHY DIDN'T SHE--WHAT--
DID SHE SAY SHE DIDN'T WANT TO KISS YOU?
- UM, SHE--
WELL, WHEN WE FINALLY DID,
MY CLUE WAS HER REACTION
AFTER THE DIRECTOR SORT OF FORCED US TO DO IT
'CAUSE IT'S IN THE SCRIPT.
THE REACTION WAS-- YOU TELL ME--
I COULD'VE GOTTEN IT WRONG.
YOU TELL ME. HERE'S WHAT IT WAS--
WELL, LET'S JUST DO IT. HERE, LET'S JUST DO IT.
HERE, YOU BE JEWEL.
NO, YOU BE ME. YOU BE ME.
YOU BE ME. - I'M YOU.
- YOU'RE ME.
I-I--
[cheers and applause]
I'M JEWEL.
YOU BE ME. - I'M YOU.
- BUT WE'VE HAD SIX EPISODES OF "WILL THEY OR WON'T THEY?"
SPARKS AND FIREWORKS. - ALL RIGHT.
- AND, ACTION.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
AND THEN--AND THEN-- AND THEN!
SO THAT--THIS PART-- - OH, NO.
- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN-- THIS PART?
- SHE LIKES IT SO MUCH SHE'S MOVING IT TO THE OTHER SIDE.
- OH, OKAY. - SHE WANTS IT OVER THERE NOW.
- OKAY. - SHE WANTS IT EVERYWHERE.
- BY THE WAY, GUYS, ALL GAGS ASIDE,
THAT WAS INSANE.
I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING, THAT WAS--
THAT WAS--THAT WAS--GUYS--
OKAY.
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY. - WOW--NO KIDDING.
- ALL RIGHT, WE'LL TAKE A BREAK.
WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'RE GONNA SHOW A LITTLE TRIBUTE TO ROB.
[cheers and applause]