- You know, it's really fascinating.
One of the primary things that helps us open our hearts
and welcome love in, especially if you've been in a pattern
of you haven't been able to attract the person
that you want to attract into your life.
You haven't had that relationship.
And you look at, "Gosh, what's in the way?"
And you notice that, "You know what?
My heart might be closed.
I might have resistance to actually attracting someone
that I really like."
It's very, very fascinating that one
of the skill sets that's missing that comes up
is our willingness to both decide on
and set boundaries in a healthy way.
And so, today I'm gonna give you a beautiful framework
for how you can set a boundary that instead
of pushing the person away,
actually bonds the two of you together even more.
Check it out. (gentle music)
Hey there, my name is Matt Bogs and I'm the founder
of the Love and Relationships Division here
at the Brave Thinking Institute,
where our mission is empowering people to create
and live a life they love, and that includes your love life.
So if you like this video, I encourage you to subscribe
to this channel and click that little bell
because every week we bring you videos to empower you
in your love life.
There's something that's really fascinating
in all the coaching I've done over the last decade.
There's always this pattern
where someone who's resisting getting into a relationship.
And the way you know that is if they're not finding anyone
that they're attracted to and the people who are attracted
to them, right?
They don't have interest, but the ones
that they are attracted to don't like them back.
That's a very common pattern where someone really keeps love
at bay in a convenient way.
And the reason they do that it isn't because
there are no great guys.
It isn't because there aren't guys
they would find attractive that would like them back,
that those guys don't exist.
That's not the reason.
The reason is there's an undergirding, energetic repulsion
to letting a man really into their heart.
And when I start to ask really powerful questions that sort
of unlock why that's going on, it almost always comes down
to the fact that they've been heard in the past.
And part of the reason, part of the equation
that they were hurt in the past
is they didn't assert themselves early enough.
They saw red flags that they didn't speak about,
or they let a man cross some boundaries
that they weren't comfortable with in the beginning,
but they didn't say anything.
They didn't set their boundaries early enough, strong enough
in a way that helped keep them safe and helped keep them
out of a painful situation where a guy broke their heart.
So right now, I'm gonna give you five really powerful steps
that you can use to set boundaries in a way
that doesn't repel the guy that you like
but actually draws him in
and gives that relationship the greatest chance possible.
Number one is to make a commitment
to setting boundaries and keeping your standards.
That commitment to yourself is the foundation
of everything that you do.
It's actually the groundwork that you're saying,
"Okay, I'm gonna commit to myself
that I'm gonna be the woman who sets a boundary,
sets her standard in this relationship."
Number two is to make friends with what boundaries mean.
See, often we were raised in ways that
or maybe you've had experiences when you set a standard
or you set a boundary, you did it in such a way
that actually repelled the guy.
And so now, you've got fear of loss connected to a boundary.
So the more you like that guy
and the greater the fear of loss,
the less your willingness to stand up for yourself,
the less your willingness to state what you really want,
the less your willingness to actually assert a boundary
or a standard because you're afraid
I'm gonna lose this guy that I really, really like.
And so you gotta re-associate what setting boundaries is
in your mind so there's no resistance to it.
Instead of you losing someone who could be great,
know this setting a standard or a boundary
actually validate the greatness and the right partner
that this guy is for you.
In other words, if you set a standard or a boundary,
let's just say you're not willing to sleep
with him on the first date and he wants to sleep on
the first date, right?
And you set that standard for yourself.
If he gets angry, if he gets mad at you,
if he tries to shame you or like guilt you,
he is not the right guy for you.
Like, let that guy go.
What a great test to see.
Does this guy have the character to match
and respect your standards and boundaries?
So know this, your setting a standard is a filter
that weeds out the bad guys,
the guys who are not a good fit for you
and brings in the guys who are a great fit for you.
So that's number two, is to make friends with boundaries
because boundaries actually are a really healthy thing
that help people build respect for one another.
Number three is to decide in advance
what your boundaries are.
In other words,
what are your standards when it comes to kissing?
What are your standards when it comes to sleeping together?
What are your standards when it comes to actually
being committed and monogamous in a relationship with him?
What are your standards?
Whatever it is that you want for your love life,
along the way there are steps
of getting more and more committed,
more and more intimate in that relationship.
What are your standards for where the quality
of the relationship needs to be
in alignment with those elements of the relationship?
And if you would love help with this, if you've struggled
with knowing what are my standards, what are my boundaries
and how do I communicate that?
I'm gonna post a link for you in the comment section
and in the description because we teach a beautiful session
on this in Manifest Your Man, where we teach you exactly
how to identify what your standards are,
what your boundaries are, how do you communicate those
in a beautiful way in a relationship.
So go ahead and check that out,
see if that program feels like a fit for you
because this particular session could be really,
really powerful for you.
So, you've committed to having standards and boundaries.
You have made friends with that concept
that is actually supporting you rather than sabotaging you.
You've decided in advance what they are.
Step number four is to set your boundary immediately.
And what this means is don't wait
until he is crossed the boundary to bring it up
before it even happens.
As he's suggesting, like
as he's going in for the kiss, right?
And you're not ready to give him a kiss.
And I'll share out with you
what you can do as step number five.
But as he's doing that before he crosses the boundary,
set your boundary.
It means that you've got to be self-assertive.
There's a great book written by Nathaniel Brandon called
"The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem."
And they talked about one of the elements
that helps us grow our self-esteem.
Because self-esteem is a muscle that we have.
One of those six is self-assertiveness.
When you stand up for yourself, for something
that you believe in or a way that you would love
to be treated, naturally, your own self-esteem rises
because what you're doing, you're showing
that you value yourself.
So in a relationship on a day, you know he puts his arm
around you or he snuggles you- (laughs genuinely)
My first day with my wife, I kind of brought her
in and snuggled her, and she was okay with that.
But then I was like, "Hey, can I kiss you?
And she was like, No.
Like I don't even know you that well.
This is our first date.
Like, I like you, you're sexy, you're attractive.
But I don't kiss on the first date."
Now, there's nothing wrong with kissing on the first date.
If you love to kiss on the first date, go with it.
But it wasn't her standard.
She wanted to wait before we kissed.
And so I respected that.
And it was very interesting
whether she let me kiss on the first date or not.
I don't know how much that mattered, but what mattered to me
was that she was willing to voice her standard
and that I found sexy because that showed
that she respects herself, she values herself,
and a man wants to be with a woman who values herself.
And this brings us to step number five.
Step number five is be direct and yet affirming.
And here's what that means.
You wanna be direct in your boundary with him
but you also wanna affirm what you like about him.
Let him know that he still has a chance with you.
Because anytime you stayed a boundary,
there's this sort of pushing away effect that happens.
He wants something or wanting to take the relationship
to a stage that you're saying no or you're saying slow.
To counteract that, you wanna affirm
what you do like about him.
And whether it was on purpose,
whether it was conscious or not.
My wife did this in a brilliant way on her first date
cuz I asked her if I could give her a kiss.
And she was like, "No, you're attractive, you're sexy.
But I reserve that for someone
I've been on many more days with.
And I was like, All right."
And it didn't sting.
It didn't push me away because she just said,
she finds me attractive, she found me sexy.
Ooh, I know then that she probably wants to kiss me too.
But this is her standard.
That is so powerful and you can use that.
And so be firm in your standard, be firm in that boundary
but affirm what it is that you like about him.
Let's say you've been dating a guy for a while.
He wants to have sex and you're not quite ready yet.
And he's like, "Hey, let's making out on the couch.
You wanna go to the bedroom?
And he's like, Let's take it into the bedroom."
If you really like him, you can say something like
"You have no idea how bad I wanna do that right now.
And I'm reserving that for someone that we're
in a committed, monogamous relationship and you
and I aren't quite there yet", or whatever your standard is.
Let's say a guy wants to hang out, a guy wants to get closer
to you then you're comfortable with in that moment.
And you can say, "You know what?
You're really charming and you're really attractive
and I reserve that for someone I've been on more dates with.
Or I reserve that for someone
that we've known each other a little bit longer.
So, let's take things slow and maybe we'll get there."
That is both affirming and it's aspirational.
Now he's got a goal, something to achieve.
And here's what's great.
Men love women who are selective.
Shows they value themselves.
It shows then when he finally does get the kiss,
he does achieve whatever it is
that that standard that you've set.
Now, he feels special because he knows
that he's earned the right to have
and share that experience with you.
It's really, really beautiful.
So, take these five steps.
Let it ground what your boundaries are,
how to set those boundaries, set them early,
and affirm him as you're setting those.
And you'll find that it completely changes your ability
to open your heart and give yourself more possibilities
in love.
My question for you is what have you found works really well
when it comes to setting boundaries in your relationships?
Go and share your strategies in the comment section below.
I'm gonna love reading those.
Know this.
This is for you.
I believe in you.
The best is yet to come in your relationships.
Thanks for watching, and I'll see you soon.
(bright music)
(upbeat music)