- So can you see the regret in my eyes already?
(laughing) (bongos pattering)
Today I've decided to cut my own hair.
And I've got no idea what I'm doing.
(clippers buzzing) (ominous music)
So one of the downsides of lockdown
is everyone now has completely wild hair.
If you're watching this with an entire dog on your head,
(barking) I feel you, I'm with you,
and I've been trying to put off cutting my hair for a while,
I was like no, you know, I could just style it out.
Mullets could be cool again.
The thickness is great,
we might have a second ice age,
and it'll be nice and toasty.
A three-meter quiff
what could go wrong, mate?
But no, today's the day,
I can't handle it anymore.
In case you didn't notice I also dyed it
in preparation of doing this.
I went with blue black.
Which is just black, but when the sun hits it
you get a little tinge of Smurf coming through.
I talked about how ridiculous my hair has got on Twitter.
Eva said this is gonna be my by the end of lockdown.
See, I would love to look like a long swishy Thor,
but I would just end up looking like this,
which we have real life (laughing) evidence of.
Seth Everman told me to shave it off,
which I was into because he looks so cool.
But then Taylor replied with this.
Which has (laughing) traumatized me to the core.
At first I was just gonna do this with kitchen scissors
but then I thought no. (laughing)
If I'm gonna give myself the best shot,
I need to get some tools.
So I got a professional barber laser.
Laser? (laughing)
Razor.
With bits that you slot on
and then you can make your hair different lengths.
If I end up looking anything like the guy on the box
we're in for a winner.
And then this sexy black tool kit,
which has ultra sharp scissors
and (shouts)
I'm gonna stab my penis off.
And these crocodile-looking things
which I think are thinning scissors.
Tempted to just do that all over
and see what happens.
Also came with this brown cloth
which I'm assuming is to dab the blood off your neck.
And this random piece of metal
which I'm guessing is for stabbing your eyes out
if you hate the haircut loads.
Oh yeah I've got this hair dresser's poncho as well.
Which I should put on, is that backwards?
(laughing)
I look very much like a vampire right now.
I think this is good if you're not cutting your own hair.
(gags)
I feel like it's strangling me, no I hate it, I don't care.
I've got a big mirror here, hello,
and a monitor here.
So with all that, how can we go wrong?
I mean all my other crafting projects
have gone swimmingly.
Okay now I'm holding this in my hand,
I'm starting to panic.
I don't know what adjustment thing to put on.
What have we got?
(clippers buzzing) (shouting)
Not, not yet.
Steven.
I've got six millimeters.
That's really half a centimeter.
That seems short.
If I do 10 millimeters to start
so that way we've got more to work with.
(intense battle music)
I'm so scared. (laughing)
Why am I doing this?
Should I just grow it out?
Should I just cancel the video?
No, it's too late.
It's too late.
We're in too deep.
Right, I've got the thingy on.
(buzzing)
Oh no, oh no, oh no.
Right, I'm gonna look at myself.
Should I just do a little bit?
I'm just gonna do a little bit.
You do it like this way, right?
Like that, no do it this way.
Ah.
Oh, it's happening.
This reminds me of when I was a kid
and I was scared to get a haircut
because I thought it would hurt.
I'm feeling that vibe now. (laughing)
(intense orchestral music)
It's not immediately made me bald.
This is the aftermath of what I just did.
That is looking thinner
without too much of a disaster.
Maybe we could go thinner.
I'm getting confident now.
Right I'm trying six millimeters.
Oh, that is taking quite a lot off.
Should you have done this?
Oh no it's looking like monk hair now?
Why am I still doing it then?
Oh Christ.
Oh god, so there's a very definite line there.
I'm gonna have to even that out somehow.
It's already less bulbous. (laughing)
This side, so now I look wonky.
I'm gonna do the other side
the same length.
And pray to all of the gods out there.
This is so intense.
So much hair is falling out.
(melancholy orchestral music)
Oh this side is looking bad.
Oh no.
Oh what?
Why's it done that?
What the frick is going on there? (laughing)
it's like why is half of it blue
and half of it not?
It looks all right on the camera,
but close up. (laughing)
Mistakes are being made on this side.
What have I done?
It looks like an animal
has taken a bite out of my head there.
(laughing) What is that?
They should put that in a science book
for unusual hair phenomena.
I'm gonna power on, it's all right.
This is gonna be satisfying.
Time to die, mullet.
Oh god.
Did you see that?
That's how much of a mullet I had.
That still looks insane, what's happening?
Right I'm gonna try and...
(laughing) I'm gonna try and sort this out.
I'm making it worse.
Why isn't it doing what my hair dresser does?
I'm very stressed about this situation. (laughing)
oh what have I done?
Oh I need to do my side burns,
what's going on there?
Maybe the thinning scissors will help if I just...
Can't believe I just did that.
Oh.
Okay.
We're loosing some volume.
I'm not sure this is working.
Okay actually the dent is less now.
Bleh.
That's doing the job.
How long should I do it for?
Thin.
I've got so much hair going down my back
I should have worn to poncho.
(babbling)
Okay, progress.
Doesn't look like I've got a dent in my head anymore.
That's gone from a disaster
to just kind of bad.
Which I can deal with.
I no longer look like a monk,
I just look like someone that fell into a hedge trimmer.
So (laughing) I can deal with that.
All right let's try and thin this side.
(gasping) No.
(melancholy piano music)
I used the wrong scissors.
Why do they make them look the same?
It's like they wanted that to happen.
Let's thin this.
Are these the right ones?
Yeah, let's thin this side.
I don't know what I'm doing,
I'm just doing flourishes
and hoping it's good.
Flourish.
This side is great, I give this like a B.
This side is still a bit of a D-.
(shrieks)
Lost three toes.
Why is this side going so well
and the other side just looks like a toilet?
Okay I'm no hairdresser
but that is looking
all right. (laughing)
I was gonna say good, but I'll be honest.
Right, I'm gonna try taming these unkempt side burns now.
(intense music)
(shrieks)
Oh that's short.
Is that too short?
It's too late now.
I feel like that was too short. (laughing)
I did it on 1.5.
I thought that'd be all right,
but I've basically shaved them off.
I've given myself like a side burn fade.
The hair's completely gone.
Oh no.
Come back.
Right, let's try and shape this absence of a (laughing)
side burn.
Okay.
Nothing I can do about that.
Breathe and move on.
All right I'm over that mistake.
I'm not really but let's just keep going.
The top is so long
but I don't know if I should just take the scissors to it
or just do the thinning thing again.
All right I'm gonna do the thinning first
and see what it looks like.
Here we go. (bush whacking)
This feels so wrong.
Where are we at?
Oh so much is coming out.
Maybe I don't need the other scissors.
This is working, actually.
(intercept dial tone)
Look, it's not as long.
If I just start like snipping it like this.
(whooshing)
Oh no. (boing)
Why did I do that as an example?
Can we stop this from being so erect?
I look like freaking Dipsy from the Teletubbies.
Stop it.
What if I just chop that bit off?
(sword slicing) Oh.
It's gone, there we go. (laughing)
problem solved.
I might just chop up into this
to try and make it a less
severe line.
Oh my god that's working
kind of, not really.
But whatever.
Oh my god, look how much hair I've removed.
(dog crying)
That's just one of the clumps on my shorts.
Right, I'm gonna do the back of my head
and then we can try the quiff.
Okay, how long have I had this rat tail
at the back of my head? (laughing)
Why did no one tell me?
I'm tempted just to grow it and plait it.
It's time to die rat.
Buzzing. (gasping)
This feels incredibly wrong,
but I'm just gonna do it.
Here we go.
Oh, there's so much hair back here.
Oh god.
I've trimmed the rat.
That looks all right.
All right the thing I'm the most nervous about
is the quiff.
'Cause it's actually looking all right now.
(audio playing in slow motion)
I feel like I've done an okay job,
but this is still too big.
I'm just not sure what to do.
I think the best method actually might be to dequiff
and then maybe cut into it like this.
Oh, emotion Phil is rising,
this is a blast from the past.
I'm gonna comb it down.
Oh, I'm so nervous.
Please don't F up.
I'm pretending like I've got a method here
but I'm just randomly chopping bits off
and hoping for the best.
Oh that looks a bit severe.
Oh it's still quite long.
Please don't end badly.
Every cut is causing me physical pain.
(shrieks)
No, oh, ah.
No, okay that's all right, that's all right,
that one's all right.
Can't handle this.
(shrieks)
How much is too much?
I'm freaking out, is that okay?
Is that still too tall?
Should I snip this off?
No.
No?
Yeah?
No, ah.
Okay that's all I can handle.
(laughing) I need to leave it at that.
I've given it a trim.
It's not as short as I'd normally have it,
but I'm scared I'm gonna destroy myself
like I did my side burns.
I think that can last me another month.
And by then hopefully I'll be allowed
to have a hair cut again.
There's like an entire cat on the floor.
Look at that. (laughing)
I can't believe all of that has come off my head.
(eight bit music)
All right we've got this random super blue bit at the side
with a long bit hanging out.
The back is an unparalleled disaster.
What is going on with this patch?
Why is it so many different lengths?
I don't know what to do about that.
And I've just got this line
that goes all the way around the side.
And then this bit, hello.
I don't know how I missed that.
And then the top,
I just can't make it flatten down,
so I guess I'm stuck with this bit forever.
This side's a bit dodgy, look a bit like a monk.
Kind of fixed it with the fizzing.
Fizzing?
Thinning, blah, thinning scissors.
This side's looking quite swish.
Quiff, I was too nervous to chop more off.
Could have been a disaster, it's okay.
And I feel less like a dog is on my head.
Now it's more like a small rat.
I'm comparative there, I think it does look better,
so overall, I'm gonna give myself a C-.
Could do better.
So, give me a thumbs up (achievement noise)
if you enjoyed this.
Maybe it convinced some of you at home
to tame your manes.
I hope it goes well.
I would not recommend doing it by yourself.
Also you might have noticed my Amazing Phil shop
is now directly beneath this YouTube video.
So if you wanna grab some merch
it has never been easier,
you can just click something that you like.
Make yourself a little bit more cozy.
Right, I'm gonna go hoover this hair-pocalypse.
Thanks for joining me on this little adventure.
I hope you're all good, I hope you're healthy.
And I'll see y'all later, bye.