One day back in Middle School
I'm like 12 years old
my dad comes up to me he's like
"Get Ready, I'm taking you to the car dealership
and I'll buy you a car
cause your bout' to turn 16"
We get to the car dealership
and he's like "okay whatever car you pick
Your moms gonna drive it for the next 4 years
and then when you turn 16 ITS YOURS"
so then he tells me that my budget is $12,000
I felt like I was in a rap video
so my dad buys a car
and here's where the problem starts
'cuz in my mind now I'm thinking "that's my car I'm just letting my mom borrow it"
So one time my boy Robby comes over to spend the night and we're in my bedroom and I look at him like:
"We gotta start living our lives a quarter mile at a time
lets go downstairs
get my mom's keys
and go for a ride around the block"
and Robby's like "OKAY! TURN UPWARD!"
So my parents room is on one side of the house
and the garage is on the other side of the house.
So we wait until like 2 AM
when my parents are sleeping
we creep downstairs
we go over to the keys
and we gotta be all silent
I'm like Indiana Jones
like taking the "artifacts"
like swapping out the keys with a sand bag, right.
We go in the garage, open it, BOOM
we're cruising down the block, I'm driving for the first time.
I even burnt some songs from video games
So were like rolling around the block
listening to Grand Theft Auto soundtracks
so it feels like were IN the game
I look over at Robby and I'm like
"Robby
... get on the roof, brah"
BAM! Flying around the block at like, 30 mph
Don't try this at home though
You know we're trained video game professionals
Y'all kids if y'all try this y'all might die
Anyways, fast forward a few months
It's my birthday
every year my mom gets me a hotel room
and I invite a bunch of my boys over
Me, Robby, Paul, Josh and my boy Eric
so i get all my boys in a circle and I'm like:
"Yo tonight
when my mom and my sister go to sleep
we're gonna take my mom's keys
and we're gonna go for a ride"
and my friends are like "oh my god, oh my god bruh bruh
dude you're such a gangster"
I know right?!
So my mum and my sister fall asleep
and I just hold my hand up
And the keys fly outta my mom's purse
and fly into my hand like I'm a Jedi
We grab a room key
We get out to the car
BOOM! We out here gettin' this paper 'cus
I'm blasting Mario Kart music
And I look over at Robby and I'm like
"Raise up 'em again on these fools"
"You think they ready for level two?"
"Shooo they better get ready
we live our lives a quarter mile at a time 'cus"
Robby jumps out, jumps on the roof
everybody's like "oh my god your guys are crazy!!"
So I turn a corner, drive down
and guess what I see.
A Rent-A-Cop security guard
and it's a dead end
he looks up, I'm like:
"I did my nickel, I ain't going back"
I panic, put it in reverse
SKKKKRT vrrroooomm
So I'm not looking back, and then all of a sudden
BOOM! I hit the pole
Robby rolls off the back
Eric is like, "Robby, nooooooo"
I'm like "Eric, focus, Robby's dead!
He's off to a better place now, his problems are over
we still gotta get through this!!"
I look in the rear-view, I don't even see Robby anymore
Security guard he jumps in his golf cart
and he starts chasing after us.
Then all of a sudden the passenger door flings open
Robby's holding his side and he jumps in
I slam on the gas
everybody's freaking out, but see I'm cool
In Grand Theft Auto, I'm used to like 4 or 5 stars
this is like, maybe, half a star right now.
So theres like 7 hotel buildings
In this one complex
We pass our building because you don't want to be obvious
so we park two buildings away
right? We get out, and we hide in the bushes.
So we're getting all Tom Clancey,
jumping from bush to bush
working our way back to the building
and we see the security guard
standing next to his golf cart with his hand on his hip, he's like:
*grumbles*
Steam is coming out of his ears
we're on the other side, we sneak past
rush up the stairs to our room
BOOM! Mission complinished
Fast forward a few weeks,
My mom's taking me to school
she walks around the back of the car and she notices a dent and she's like
"What is this?!!!"
"Uh uh w-
mom you don't remember w- how we got that?!"
"No when did this happen!!
There's a line going down the back of the bumper!
There's paint missing!"
"D-uh you don't remember?!
we went grocery shopping
right? and we got hit with the
with theee
with theeeee with theeee with theeee
with theee with theee with thee with theee
the shopping cart!"
"I think I woulda remembered that."
"Yeah no no, yeha you went into
Publix and I stayed in the car...
and then a lady I-I-I- I thought I told you
oh man!
my b"
"Wait wait no.....I think
okay, no, no that sounds a little familiar
okay...ooookay
I remember now"
So yeah mom, I got a little confession
so now you know how we really got that
y'know that little ding in the back of our car
-What are you about to eat him?
Why is he wrapped up like a burrito?
-I had to put his eye medication in
awwwwwwwww
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