[TEXAS ACCENT] Welcome to my new YouTube channel:
"How Hannah Screwed Up This Week".
Hannah, you were without a doubt
the laziest person that ever lived.
When I was your age, I went to college while I was in high school,
and I still found the time to go to school
while working a job in I.T.
I would've thought that you would have learned your...
lesson when I blew away your laptop with hollow point bullets on YouTube last week.
I though that was some pretty solid parenting.
But I guess I didn't make my point because
you're still talking trash to your little friends... on your Facebook wall.
Last night while you were asleep, Hannah,
I repelled down from your bedroom ceiling, like Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible.
I hovered over your... desk while you slept.
There hidden beneath a large number of stuffed animals, which I paid for,
I found your diary that I also paid for
with money that I made at my job at I.T.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Inside you wrote:
"My dad sucks.
"Embarrassed me in front of 20 million people."
Actually, it's 26 million and counting, so that's another thing you screwed up.
Well Hannah... [CLEARS THROAT]
This here is a government issued flamethrower.
The kind that pros use.
I got my own diary entry to make.
Dear diary...
Hi, Dad. I have a couple of things to say to you.
Number one: I bet you didn't know that I have a sssss...
...sssecret computer. I stole it from the cleaning lady.
Number two:
While you was repelling down from the ceiling lookin' at my diary,
I was in your room posting a ton of child pornography picures to your Facebook wall.
I also sent it to all of your friends at your I.T. job.
[POLICE SIREN]
You hear that, Daddy? That's the F.B.I.
Have fun explaining this to all of the neighbors
when you have to go door to door to tell them
why you have such a large collection of kiddy porn.
I told you I was gonna flip shit.
Well this is me flippin' shit into your favorite hat.
Well played, Hannah. But this is my new favorite hat.
I fashioned it from toilet paper, soap, and a little saliva.
Also, I made friends with the Aryan Nation here in prison.
Though I do not agree with their principles,
or the words they post on their Facebook walls,
they do keep me safe.
I had to d- [STUTTERING]
do a few things I'm not proud of in here,
but that's part of being an adult.
Something you know nothing about.
You are looking at the new I.T. man for the Aryan Nation.
You recognize this, Hannah? It's your iPod.
Now that I'm getting affiliated,
I have contacts on the outs- ide.
This is what's called a prision shiv.
Watch closely.
[LOUD BANGING]
Do they have an app for that?
Your move, Hannah-banana.
Hi, Daddy. Imma keep this short.
I made an arrangement with the prison guards
who were gonna look the other way while the crypt shank you in the shower.
Also, do you recognize this?
This is your 45. I got it from the cleaning lady.
And now I'm gonna shoot your gun
with my gun! [CHUCKLES]
[GUNSHOTS, WHOOPING]
Hi, Hannah.
I bet you're surprised to see me alive.
Well before your boys could get to me, I faked my own death.
Then using my I.T. skills, escaped from prison.
Now I happen to have a copy of the eulogy you read at my "funeral".
"My father's heart was in the right place,
although we had our disagreements."
[SCOFFS] "Disagreements"? Let's talk about these "disagreements".
You are to wipe down the countertops. Sweep the floor. That is it!
And make the guest bed every once in a while.
You thought you was being cute? Well, I can be even cuter.
You misunderestimated me for the last time, Hannah.
You recognize this? It's your secret com- puter
that you stole from Linda, who is not the cleaning lady.
She is a close, personal friend, who provides services
when your mom has to work late, or is out of town.
Now, I bet that you didn't know that in addition to my I.T. skills,
I also have samurai warrior skills.
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto!
Take t- [WHEEZING]
[MUFFLED] Do your damn chores!
That's right, Dad. You thought you was being cute.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
What in the hell?
Hi, Hannah. This is your father.
I prerecorded this message in anticipation of my own death.
It seems you've inherited my I.T. skills and are a worthy opponent.
But as you know, I always have the last laugh.
Checkmate, Hannah.
[BEEP, EXPLOSION]
Hello, Hannah. Welcome to Hell.
Looks like we both had to die
because you're too lazy to do a simple ch- chores.
Just because you're dead, that does not mean that you're gonna sit back on your ass.
Satan won't allow it, and neither will I.
Down here, your responsibilities will include:
Cleaning up after the hell hounds who make endless piles of flaming turds,
wiping off Satan's countertops,
sweeping the floors, which are always on fire, so good luck with that,
and pushing up a giant boulder up a moutain daily
only to watch it roll back down again at the end of the day.
Don't even think about loggin' onto Facebook, 'cause they only got MySpace down here.
This is a pitchfork, Hannah.
This is your soul.
This is gonna be me all day, for eternity.
'Cause you cursed out your mother,
and insulted the cleaning lady--uh, Linda.